Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have found FIL very rude and wanted him out of my house?

87 replies

Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:18

Bit of a backstory. FIL lives alone, mil passed 10 years ago and he has no other living family on his side. At christmas my DM invited him to come to hers with us so he could be with family, he agreed.
Christmas morning he text to say he doesn't want to come any more as felt a bit ill - fair enough, DM and dp were upset but life goes on.. DM had got him a book for christmas and we gave it to him Boxing Day along with our presents for him ( he had not got me or the children presents apart from dp)

He didn't even text my mum to say thank you and just took the presents. Anyway yesterday he was here and DM arrived to drop some stuff off, first time she'd seen him in a long time and they hadn't spoken (he didn't even apologise for not turning up on Xmas) she came in and asked if he liked the book she got him and he replied 'oh I gave up after a couple of pages, it was very chiche and probably for people slightly less intelligent than me'

DM stood there slightly shocked and left, AIBU to think he's very rude? Or was I over reacting? I had enough of his attitude, he can be rude to me and dp but to my DM I felt very defensive and after she left i told dp to get him out of the house. I just think he was implying DM was thick and his tone was very patronising.

OP posts:
momb · 12/01/2015 16:20

YANBU. Is he starting to show signs of dementia? First signs in my family were uncharacteristic rudeness.

LadyLuck10 · 12/01/2015 16:24

I think it would be even ruder to kick him out of your houseConfused.

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:24

I've known him 2 years and always found him very rude, so it's not a new thing for me atleast. DP doesn't see it and worships the ground he walks on so I doubt he would notice any difference.. But will keep a closer eye to see!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 12/01/2015 16:25

Sounds like he was a bit rude, but something of an over reaction to tell dp to get him out of the house.
Could have just gone with the MN classic of "Did you mean to be so rude?"

morethanpotatoprints · 12/01/2015 16:30

Ah, bless him he sounds like he is losing it a bit or maybe he could be like this as it can happen to older people without dementia.
He is your dps Dad at the end of the day and whilst he is rude there isn't a lot you can do about it other than grit your teeth.
Talk to your mum about his rudeness and tell her you are happy your dp didn't turn out to be rude.
I know its hard, my own father was a bit like this in later life, we grinned and got on with it.
I'm so glad we did too as he is no longer with us Sad

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:37

I think he's just one of those people the day I met him the first thing he said when I asked about his job was 'there's no point explaining it to you as you wouldn't understand'

He had also spent that whole visit telling me I don't 'stimulate' dd enough, and that she should be crawling by now (she's 4mo) so my patience was running thin!

But I do understand I may have been over reacting by wanting him gone! He is dps dad so i do put up with visits every every week!

OP posts:
annielouisa · 12/01/2015 16:44

How old is FIL is there a possibility of early stage dementia? It seems half of the country was ill over Christmas and the NY with bugs and cough and he could have been ill and did let you know.

Christmas is not for everyone especially if it reinforces how alone they are i.e. widowed.

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:46

FIL is 59! He was fine Boxing Day but I'm sure he was ill Xmas day, I had a bug over Xmas as well!

OP posts:
squoosh · 12/01/2015 16:48

Ask your partner if he's always been 'blunt' aka a rude git, or whether it's a new development.

squoosh · 12/01/2015 16:48

59? Chances are he's just a rude git then.

Aherdofmims · 12/01/2015 16:49

I think he sounds like a nob so yanbu.

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:56

Haha! Any advice as to what to say/do? He's driving me nuts and it's getting harder to bite my tongue

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 12/01/2015 16:58

Sign of dementia? Maybe. But he's 59 and he's been like it for years, so it sounds like he's just a wanker.

trufflesnout · 12/01/2015 17:00

Any advice as to what to say/do?

I'd start pulling him up on it & stop letting things slide. Might require bravery at first! I'd be daunted, but he's your FIL not your DF so you have a bit of detachment - use that to your advantage.

squoosh · 12/01/2015 17:00

I'd just say 'oh, that's a bit rude' and glare at him every time he made remarks similar to the one he made to your mother.

Icimoi · 12/01/2015 17:01

Does your DP seriously not see how rude his father is? Did he hear what his father said to your mother? If so, how could he possibly think that wasn't rude?

morethanpotatoprints · 12/01/2015 17:03

Please don't call him a wanker, there may be a reasonable explanation for his rude behaviour.
Some people are just like this because they haven't learned to be any different, and it takes all sorts.

OP, he sounds very hard work and you are lovely to put up with this every week.
Could you not alternate every other week visit, maybe tell him you have something on, permanently every other week. Then at least you get some time away from him.

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 17:04

When I've pulled dp up on it he just says 'well he's really clever so he knows what's best' and 'oh dad's just like that' I think he's grown up being told to 'worship his dad' and still lived with him till I met him!

OP posts:
squoosh · 12/01/2015 17:06

Oh dear. Well maybe the more you highlight his lack of manners the more your DP will begin to realise that his father is just being an arse. And there's nothing clever about being a rude arse.

Mabelface · 12/01/2015 17:07

Don't bite your tongue. Challenge him every time. Tell him not to be so bloody rude.

trufflesnout · 12/01/2015 17:09

Please don't call him a wanker, there may be a reasonable explanation for his rude behaviour.

But there doesn't appear to be. Beside, reason or no reason, being rude and belittling people's intelligence makes you a wanker.

goshdarnit · 12/01/2015 17:13

My late FIL was 'blunt' aka a rude fucker. He told my Mum her house was too small and the decorative plates she had on the wall were 'cheap' (Mum was very attached to them for sentimental reasons, and couldn't give a fig about their financial worth)
He told MIL's family he was 'Marrying beneath himself..! Shock
I dealt with it by thinking what a rude, insignificant little man he was who didn't feel good about himself unless he was belittling others, therefore bigging himself up. I did ask him a couple of times if he meant to sound so rude, it took 15 years for me to work up to that though!

Thankfully dh does not have this trait.

bonzo77 · 12/01/2015 17:13

You don't need to be ancient to have dementia. There are plenty of types that are early onset. Being only 59 is no protection from dementia. And if his behaviour is getting worse, it could be dementia. Or Parkinson's. Or Huntingdon's. But chances are he's just a total arse that had never been told.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 12/01/2015 17:16

If he's really clever, then it should be no problem for him to apply his intelligence to learning social norms, like manners, and put them into practice.

It won't happen though. I suspect his problem is one of superiority, so he won't deign to be polite to us lesser mortals. Can you tell I've come across people like this before?

squoosh · 12/01/2015 17:16

I bet his wife really faked her death and is now living the high life somewhere free from his criticism.