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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have found FIL very rude and wanted him out of my house?

87 replies

Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:18

Bit of a backstory. FIL lives alone, mil passed 10 years ago and he has no other living family on his side. At christmas my DM invited him to come to hers with us so he could be with family, he agreed.
Christmas morning he text to say he doesn't want to come any more as felt a bit ill - fair enough, DM and dp were upset but life goes on.. DM had got him a book for christmas and we gave it to him Boxing Day along with our presents for him ( he had not got me or the children presents apart from dp)

He didn't even text my mum to say thank you and just took the presents. Anyway yesterday he was here and DM arrived to drop some stuff off, first time she'd seen him in a long time and they hadn't spoken (he didn't even apologise for not turning up on Xmas) she came in and asked if he liked the book she got him and he replied 'oh I gave up after a couple of pages, it was very chiche and probably for people slightly less intelligent than me'

DM stood there slightly shocked and left, AIBU to think he's very rude? Or was I over reacting? I had enough of his attitude, he can be rude to me and dp but to my DM I felt very defensive and after she left i told dp to get him out of the house. I just think he was implying DM was thick and his tone was very patronising.

OP posts:

FrancesNiadova · 12/01/2015 21:56

I agree with the,"did you mean to be so rude," classic or, if he mentions his cleverness suggest that he studies to develop his emotional intelligence & social interactions.

emotionsecho · 12/01/2015 22:16

This from KurriKurri sounds perfect:

if you are so intelligent why are you unable to learn basic mannerrs'.
If he says ' there;s no point inexplaining you wouldn;t understand' I;d say ' I'd haveno problem understanding, but if you think you sren't clever enough to communicate an explanation, then never mind, I'll find someone brighter who can

I'd bet my last penny he was one of those who when young was just "telling it like it is/I say what I think" types. Rude people are rude people irrespective of their age and whilst everyone is afraid to challenge them or worships at the altar of their superiority they will never change.

The look on their faces when you prick their bubble of pomposity is priceless.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2015 22:41

I agree with the,"did you mean to be so rude," classic

I don't. Because I should think that he did mean to be so rude.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/01/2015 22:52

I'd worry if my DH thought rudeness was acceptable though. Men often turn into their fathers

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2015 01:31

Oh dear MY BAD I have just come back and realise I have unintentionally upset a few people and I do apologise and did not mean to.

Hakluyt what does 8Agggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* mean? Does it mean I can't think old people are sometimes rude?

I am not saying all old people are rude. I am not saying all young people are not rude. My mum is in her 80s and has dementia and she may well be rude unintentionally because she has dementia.

Yes, Skatingfastonthinice (I rather like the term 'sweetling'), I did say something ageist, for which I apologise.

I am nearly 50, I am not young.

But the thread is about a father-in-law who lives alone, has been widowed for 10 years and I thought all his relatives were no longer around. So I presumed (wrongly) he was quite old, as my father in law is nearly 80 (and not a bit rude)! I did not see he was only 59! APOLOGIES one and all!

Coyoacan · 13/01/2015 02:21

I have a friend who is a university professor here in Mexico City and she says a lot of her colleagues have appalling manners and think they are the bee's knees. From what I can see of people who have doctorates, they have all my respect for the self-discipline required to get one, but that is generally all that distinguishes them from the general populace in terms of intelligence.

Suefla62 · 13/01/2015 06:50

We always say, at the school where I teach, that the last class people take before they get their PhD is the how to turn into an asshole class.

fishinabarrell · 13/01/2015 08:25

Wow you workin a shit place sue, the.only people who are arseholes where I work are those who were wankers long before the PhD. Kind you the PhDs here are science related so largely people are dreamers and debaters.

I too would be worried op with your dhs pandering and excusing, would worry he will become another fil

Catsize · 13/01/2015 09:12

Is it just me who wants to know what the book was?

Original poster

Manyproblemsinthishouse · 13/01/2015 11:22

I have said to him about not becoming his father but dp is nothing like him - the opposite at the moment so hoping that doesn't change!
FIL loves top gear and often talks to my American step father about how good it is so my Mum got him the top gear book! It may well be beneath him but faking a Thankyou doesn't tAke much!

OP posts:

FannyFanakapan · 13/01/2015 11:33

Id confront him gently....

"Bill, we've noticed that you are becoming more and more rude and not really able to cope in social situations...given your age, Im worried that you might be suffering early signs of dementia. Maybe a visit to the GP? I'm going to keep an eye on you - are you finding things difficult to remember? Having trouble keeping track of things? " Head tilt, sympathetic smile.

Then every time he is rude "Oh dont mind Bills rudeness...(whisper Dementia "

Hakluyt · 13/01/2015 12:12

"Hakluyt what does 8Agggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* mean? Does it mean I can't think old people are sometimes rude?"

Just go back and re read your post. I'm sure you'll see where you went wrong.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 13/01/2015 12:16

'Not clever enough to show some manners though, are you?!' would be an appropriate response.

Catsize · 13/01/2015 12:43

Sounds like a very thoughtful gift.
Next time, a model of a stately home perhaps.
'Last Christmas, you seemed to be lacking in manners, so I bought you one' (the spelling of manor/manner completely irrelevant to the ear)

FryOneFatManic · 13/01/2015 12:53

I know plenty of people who have PhDs. A PhD doesn't necessarily indicate anything other than the dedication to study a specialist subject to an advanced level.

There are many other people without PhDs, who are equally as clever but who have made other choices in life than to study.

I doubt the FIL is that clever, but he certainly sounds like a rude opinionated arsehole.

QuintlessShadows · 13/01/2015 13:04

It is perfectly possible to be both clever, ignorant and rude, but in my opinion, intelligence encompasses both knowledge, manners, and the state of keeping oneself well informed and with a perspective.

But I dont have a Phd.

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2015 13:05

Hakluyt I am sorry I offended you, it was not intentional.

I thought the father in law was a lot older and some older people have medical conditions that can make them very self absorbed. I was not intending to judge old people in general and I am sorry if it came across that way.

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2015 13:06

I also realise I did not mention dementia in my earlier post and I am sorry I was thinking of it as my mum has it and is in her 80s.

Anyway, I am sorry. It was thoughtless.

Summerisle1 · 13/01/2015 13:09

I am now just older than the OP's FiL. None of the above means that I am rude to perfectly nice people who are kind enough to buy me a present and invite me over for Christmas.

Same here. In fact, I am a couple of years older than the OP's FIL. At no point has it occurred to me that I am now entitled to be bloody rude to people.

I suspect your FIL has been bloody rude all his life, OP. Probably because he's got away with it too. At only 59 he's not immune to being told that actually, his rudeness isn't acceptable.

DidoTheDodo · 13/01/2015 13:10

Some people get dementia in their 40s or even earlier. Don't necessarily discount it. (Although don't assume it's that either)

Asperger's?

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2015 13:12

I've asked for my post to be pulled as I don't want people to be offended by it.

Hakluyt · 13/01/2015 13:15

You didn't offend me. However your post was offensive. However much you now backtrack about dementia, what you actually said was " but I do think when you get past a certain age some people just decide to say and do what they want." Which is just pure ageism.

motheroftwoboys · 13/01/2015 13:26

My FIL, now 84, is and always has been like this. I am pretty sure he has ADD which means he very often can say things, totally without thinking and not realising they are rude or hurtful. My DH is similar but not nearly so bad. However underneath both of them have hearts of gold. If it is a condition that your FIL has - and has always had - then I am afraid you will just have to learn to live with it but understand that it really, really doesn't mean anything. Just concentrate on his good points. I am sure he must have some as your DH loves him so much. Strangely ADD often does go hand in hand with high intelligence.

HappyHippyChick · 13/01/2015 13:29

BoredChurch · 13/01/2015 13:30

Hacklut. Italian apologised and clearly didn't mean to offend anyone, there is no need to be so shirty with her.

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