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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have found FIL very rude and wanted him out of my house?

87 replies

Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 16:18

Bit of a backstory. FIL lives alone, mil passed 10 years ago and he has no other living family on his side. At christmas my DM invited him to come to hers with us so he could be with family, he agreed.
Christmas morning he text to say he doesn't want to come any more as felt a bit ill - fair enough, DM and dp were upset but life goes on.. DM had got him a book for christmas and we gave it to him Boxing Day along with our presents for him ( he had not got me or the children presents apart from dp)

He didn't even text my mum to say thank you and just took the presents. Anyway yesterday he was here and DM arrived to drop some stuff off, first time she'd seen him in a long time and they hadn't spoken (he didn't even apologise for not turning up on Xmas) she came in and asked if he liked the book she got him and he replied 'oh I gave up after a couple of pages, it was very chiche and probably for people slightly less intelligent than me'

DM stood there slightly shocked and left, AIBU to think he's very rude? Or was I over reacting? I had enough of his attitude, he can be rude to me and dp but to my DM I felt very defensive and after she left i told dp to get him out of the house. I just think he was implying DM was thick and his tone was very patronising.

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 12/01/2015 17:17

Smart lady

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 17:22

I will look out for problems but in all honesty i think he is just an asshole..

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/01/2015 17:25

He sounds awful. I would avoid him as much as possible if I were you. No more presents and he can spend Christmas alone in future.

I also wouldn't bother wasting any politeness on him. If he started telling me how intelligent he was, I'd roll my eyes and wander off, or shift focus to something else. I think I would point out rudeness too, or just say that I didn't want to discuss it with him.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2015 17:28

Sounds very rude, don't bother getting him anything, distance yourselves

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 12/01/2015 17:31

A very pointed silence can work wonders.

5Foot5 · 12/01/2015 17:34

I second the posters who say you should challenge him every time he is rude and explain why you find what he said rude, if necessary.

It sounds like nobody has ever pulled him up on this before.

He is only 59. Demetias is not impossible but in this case it sounds unlikely. More likely he is just a rude f**r who has been allowed to get away with it. Anyway, 59 is not too old to start learning some social graces if pushed.

There is no reason that "Oh Dad's just like that" should be used as an excuse. If DP says that again you could counter with "What - an ill-mannered and inconsiderate old git?" or something. Might make your DP start to see things through other people's eyes a bit more

sonjadog · 12/01/2015 17:39

I once dated a man who thought he was a genius (he said it himself). He was 28 and still doing his undergraduate degree (he started at age 18). He spent his days sitting in cafes reading poetry. He thought he was so smart that normal people and everyday life was beneath him.

He really was a wanker. Your FIL sounds like a man of the same ilk.

Italiangreyhound · 12/01/2015 17:40

YANBU but I would have made a joke of it, if it had happened to me. Maybe just raise an eye brow and say to my mum in a fake 'posh' voice "Oo err hadn't realised we were in such high brow company!"

Old people - e.g. my mum's age - (apologies to anyone old enough to me my mother who is reading this) can be quite rude! I am not sure why, (apologies again) but I do think when you get past a certain age some people just decide to say and do what they want.

I am not sure a person really needs to apologise for being ill, if it were me I would either apologise when I said I couldn't come or expect the person relaying the message along. I mean if he had just not come along because he changed his mind would be different!

Hakluyt · 12/01/2015 17:43

"Old people - e.g. my mum's age - (apologies to anyone old enough to me my mother who is reading this) can be quite rude! I am not sure why, (apologies again) but I do think when you get past a certain age some people just decide to say and do what they want."

Agggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ragwort · 12/01/2015 17:49

59 !!!! He's only two years older than me, I guess that makes me ancient. Grin I certainly know how to behave.

Skatingfastonthinice · 12/01/2015 17:51

Now now Hakluyt, don't be getting your BP up and you know that being cross about ageism makes those veins in your forehead bulge in an unfeminine fashion.
They can't help it, the young. It's as if they don't know that they'll be us one day, If they are lucky.
Have some nice Horlicks and a biscuit to dunk like a Sweet Little Old Dear.

balia · 12/01/2015 17:54

So next years gifts here and here

Sorted.

My pleasure.

Skatingfastonthinice · 12/01/2015 17:58

Oh, and Italiangreyhound my sweetling?
I think you'll find that it's all the rude and egocentric youngsters that become rude and egocentric old people.
The people who won't fold buggies on buses, park badly at school drop off, have dogs that run up to people and bounce, who emotionally abuse others, who 'say what they mean' however hurtful.
Those are the ones who become more so as they get older. But they were rude as youngsters.

minibmw2010 · 12/01/2015 18:02

You need to start saying things like 'please don't be so rude to ..., that's unfair'. If no-ones ever pulled him up on it he won't stop Hmm

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2015 18:09

What Hakluyt said.

When I got to a Certain Age (10 years ago) I decided that I would no longer put up with any crap - poor service, being ignored, talked over by shop assistants etc.

I am now just older than the OP's FiL. None of the above means that I am rude to perfectly nice people who are kind enough to buy me a present and invite me over for Christmas.

He is an arse.

Icimoi · 12/01/2015 18:14

Another one seconding or thirding Hakluyt's cries of frustration re the perception of "old people." You do realise, Italian, that at 59 most "old people" tend to be still in work where being rude certainly won't be tolerated? IME rude people will be rude, whatever their age. I strongly suspect OP's FIL has spent his whole life telling people how clever he is and how that means he is entitled to treat them however he likes.

Skatingfastonthinice · 12/01/2015 18:15

The evidence for that being that the OP's DH thinks it's perfectly normal, because his dad is soooo clever.

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 12/01/2015 18:20

I must remember to watch out for signs of incipient dementia in my 59-year-old husband. He did forget to put the washing out last week but he has never been abominably rude to anyone, so maybe he's safe for the time being. Hmm

LaLyra · 12/01/2015 18:22

I would use the "Oh that was rude" or "Did you mean to be that rude?" anytime it happens.

I find that rude people are only rude in settings where they get away with it. My BIL is beyond rude to his parents (imo) and siblings. It was always explained with a 'Oh that's just Y, he's blunt like that...' but he has a job which means he can't be rude so he can be polite when he wants. I picked him up on it every time and as a result he's not rude to me, my family or the children. PIL still let him speak to them like shit, but that's their decision.

I wouldn't accept him being rude to you or your DM. That's not on.

Original poster
Manyproblemsinthishouse · 12/01/2015 19:00

I strongly believe he has been like that his whole life, the way dp is around him and always saying things like 'oh my dad will know'. He has a PHD in science and is clever, he's also full of shit allot of the time and guesses allot when asked something!
I think I'll need to grow some a backbone and go with the MN classic of 'did you mean to be so rude' or just walk away every time I want to hit him!!!

OP posts:
fishinabarrell · 12/01/2015 21:16

Sounds like people pander him just because he happens to have a PhD. I know shit loads of people at work with PhDs- one even has three!- they are nicest people while your fil sounds like he has a big ego which has always been stroked and a stick up his arse.

does he make your dh feel insecure? Could that be why the pandering or bad hero worship?

Quangle · 12/01/2015 21:23

It this was a MIL thread everyone would be saying she's a toxic bitch and your DP should give her what for. But because this is a FIL none of the usual stuff is rolled out. Oh but he is old so probably has dementia [boggling]. At 59.

OP he sounds like a toxic FIL.

KatieKaye · 12/01/2015 21:40

What a silly man he sounds. He might be intelligent, but he seems to personify ignorance.
Does he have any friends, or has he managed to alienate them?

You know, if he's going to try to demean you and your family, I'd be tempted to lob the verbal ball right back into his court:

"that book does demand a certain level of emotional intelligence"
"crawling at four months would involved a degree of hyper-accelerated development not yet documented in humans"

It's probably best not to say things like that though! Do talk to DH about how his father's rudeness impacts negatively on the way people perceive him and that consequently you and your DM don't want to spend time with him. If FIL is so smart then he will realise that he has to think before he speaks. Otherwise he's just a petty little an taking out his frustrations on those around him, in which case the PA "raised eyebrows + slight shake of head + pitying smile + slightly exasperated sigh" is the only way to go.

KurriKurri · 12/01/2015 21:46

He sounds like a nob.
Being clever isn't a license to be rude.
My Dad was extremely clever, - a consultant physicist and mathematician, he wouldn't have dreamt of being rude to someone like that - he was unfailingly polite and kind.

(In fact on year an elderly next door neighbour decided to give my Dad Christmas present - it was crimplene ladies top in turquoise and yellow - she was losing it slightly ! - and he thanked her most politely and said it was very nice).

I would say 'don't be rude' to your FIL and I would say things like 'if you are so intelligent why are you unable to learn basic mannerrs'.
If he says ' there;s no point inexplaining you wouldn;t understand' I;d say ' I'd haveno problem understanding, but if you think you sren't clever enough to communicate an explanation, then never mind, I'll find someone brighter who can'

I would also discourage him from visiting unless he can learn some manners (although I wouldn;t cut him off completely from his grandchildren or them from him) but I'd make it conditional on good behaviour on his part.

mysteryfairy · 12/01/2015 21:48

He does sound obnoxious. However it's not beyond the bounds of possibility for someone of his age to have their behaviour effected by a health problem. Happened to both my FIL (brain tumour) and MIL (Parkinson's related).

Am I the only one who is curious to know what the book was though? I have given forthright opinions to the people who recommended The DaVinci Code, 50 Shades of Grey and Danielle Steele novels to me though none of those were actually given as gifts. Someone gave me Five People You Meet in Heaven as a birthday present once and I was tempted to give an honest opinion to avoid any future abominations, but restrained myself.