Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need some perspective

481 replies

babynamechange · 11/01/2015 23:25

There's a huge backstory to this...but basically I'm asking the question so Im sure I'm not overreacting before I do anything...
To cut a very long story short I have had concerns about my DS having contact with his father due inappropriate touching and emotional abuse etc. DS is currently being seen by a SW about this. It has been a huge struggle to actually get someone to listen, but someone is now seeing him, although i don't know when he will be spoken to again.

DS has just come in to tell me he wants to tell me something but doesn't want to say it. Anyway he said his dad has been taking photos of him while he's on the toilet (he doesn't normally take photos generally). DS said he really didn't like this. I know he would have been really upset as he doesn't like anyone even in the vicinity when he's doing a poo. He's six.

I know or rather I think I must be asking the blatantly obvious, but is this in any world ok :( x

OP posts:
Original poster
babynamechange · 02/02/2015 18:42

I think she's getting the measure of him x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/02/2015 18:45

Yes I think so, don't believe anything he says, unless it comes through official channels. The fact it has been assigned to a new person, they will need to read all the notes, and take further evidence, collate it. No, he's bluffing you

Aeroflotgirl · 02/02/2015 18:47

No all this evidence gathering, investigating can take a lot of time, they also have to look at his phone and computer. No NO no baby please try not to worry. Have some Brew Cake and a Biscuit

Aeroflotgirl · 02/02/2015 19:09

sorry I am repeating myself again Blush

LucyBabs · 02/02/2015 21:23

Don't believe a word he says baby

Stick to facts from the sw and the police.

Hopefully he has tripped himself up and as a pp said lying to the sw won't look good for him.

How is your ds today baby ?

Original poster
babynamechange · 02/02/2015 21:33

I really hope so Flowers
I just can't see the police coming to a decision that quickly when the investigating officer is sick and without consulting with SS?

OP posts:
Original poster
babynamechange · 02/02/2015 21:33

He's ok x

OP posts:
LucyBabs · 02/02/2015 21:46

I hope you are OK too. I can't imagine how you must feel but please know you're doing everything possible to help your ds.

Sleep well tonight x

Original poster
babynamechange · 02/02/2015 21:56

Thanks Lucy x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 08:09

Hope you find out more information today, but try not to worry, he is manipulating the SW and the situation for his own gain.

Original poster
babynamechange · 03/02/2015 09:21

I hope so. I'm trying not to worry as I know that's the worst thing I can do. I'll let you know what happens x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 09:57

Yes that's wonderful Smile. This is what he wants to do to you. You only have his word. That would be taken with a massive mountain of salt. If it had been dropped, tge official people such as sS would have been informed and yoyrself.

Original poster
babynamechange · 03/02/2015 11:28

I've heard back from the police, apparently it doesn't meet the threshold criminally but it's still of concern so they are putting it back with SS. I've told the SW and she's going to try and find out some more.
But I feel we've just been lumped back in no mans land :( :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
babynamechange · 03/02/2015 11:44

Just spoke to the police again. Apparently he flatly denies taking any photos....
So I said but would no one take his phone? He said because it doesn't meet the threshold they have no powers to do that. But the thing is, if it's so innocent then why is he denying it? And no one thinks DS is lying. It doesn't make any sense

And without a criminal offence then the SW powers are limited

OP posts:
Andro · 03/02/2015 11:48

That's disappointing, but not the end of the road. The behaviour is still a child protection concern and ss can go through their processes, which they couldn't do until the police had finished their job.

It's a shame that the criminality threshold wasn't met, but it's very much on record and the police concerns about your ex and his conduct are on record. Your son is now being recognised as a reliable witness and any more disclosures will only increase the evidence of a pattern of abuse.

The situation is still awful though!

Original poster
babynamechange · 03/02/2015 11:55

Thanks Andro Flowers I know you're right. But I don't think that SS have the powers to stop contact if there's no police investigation. The police seemed to think that SS's options were go and see him and get him to sign something to say he won't do it again, or just monitor the situation, or do nothing and not a lot more?
So what do I do about this weekend? DS will be gutted if he has to go. It's also sending a message up him that being brave and telling people about what's going on counts for nothing :(

OP posts:
Andro · 03/02/2015 12:01

At this point you take your lead from your sw, that's who suspended contact and that's who removes the suspension - explicitly and in writing!

I would also request that your sw is the one to explain why he has to go, why you have no choice but to make him and why nothing is being done about his father.

What you do is reinforce how brave he was to tell you his concerns, be clear that new can ALWAYS tell you if he's not happy and give lots of hugs.

I hope your sw has better than anticipated news.

Original poster
babynamechange · 03/02/2015 12:04

Thanks Andro, I'll do that.
Yes me too x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 12:35

Oh Baby Sad. Andro offers some great advice. How awful, so the Police are burying their heads in the sand. How gutting, that the Police are not taking this seriously. The people who are supposed to be protecting him are not. Flowers.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 12:37

Of course he will deny it, its their blooming job to investigate it. Why not find out from the Police what threshold they us. The Police may not investigate it, but does not mean that abuse is not going on, that there is no child protection issue. I would contact the SW and find out what is happening, and how they are going to proceed. How they are going to protect ds from being abused as his voice doesnet seem to be heard.

Original poster
babynamechange · 03/02/2015 12:38

My biggest worry is it actually leaves us worse off than before. DS will undoubtedly 'get it' for speaking up if he goes at the weekend, and I'm being taken back to court for residency ??

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 12:42

That is bloody awful, I would arrange to speak to the SW with your concerns. Try not to worry about the residency, the judge has already said that ds is happy and safe with you. Him refusing extra contact, and delivering him early does not exactly help ex case.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2015 12:45

So ds confesses to being touched inappropriately and pictures being taken, he is reliable and consistant, so next port of call is to ask SS how they are going to protect ds. Just because Police do not want to investigate, does not mean abuse is not taking place. Really massive hugs to you Baby and your little ds, he has been fantastic. The people who are supposed to be protecting him are not. I hope your contact with SS is going to be ongoing, so that ds can continue to talk to them about what dad is doing to him. I would also go to Police Complaints and lodge a complaint against the Police.

Andro · 03/02/2015 12:53

Unfortunately Aero, there are limits as to what the police can do. When you think of many situations where there is no 'obvious' harm - things like harassment, verbal bullying as a form of DV even the early stages of stalking - it takes time to build the 'pile' high enough that the pattern itself becomes the crime. I am in no way suggesting that what has happened, or indeed that verbal abuse/harassment etc, are not harmful...just that the harm is not visible to the nasked eye if you see what I mean.

The police clearly consider this to be an issue, otherwise they wouldn't consider it to merit ss review...it does however illustrate that the police need more latitude to check phones in child protection situations (without the investigation being made public - cp investigations should not themselves be a weapon!).

Andro · 03/02/2015 12:54

The truly crappy thing is that the previous issues were so badly handled that the pattern isn't being treated seriously enough.