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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with M&S Bra assistant, want to complain..

226 replies

CalicoBlue · 11/01/2015 16:41

I took DD 13 to M&S this afternoon. She has been wearing bra's for a year or so now, we wanted to check if she needed a bigger size. We don't ask the assistants for help, we usually get a range of sizes and I help her try them on and we work out what is right for her.

Today we selected a few styles and her current size and a size up, plus different back size. We went into the changing room and handed them to the assistant saying I had five items. First she started saying that they were the junior range looking at me, then noticed my daughter. She asked how old DD was, I said 13. She went on the say that DD should not be wearing wired bra's as they were bad for her breast tissue, showing me by pointing to her own breasts. There were people waiting and DD was mortified. I started to say that I was happy with our choice and she wanted to try them on, we did not like the non wired range. DD dragged me away pink in the face. She refused to go back and says she will never go bra shopping there again.

I am furious, we did not ask for advice or help with sizing. I was about to tell her that it was none of her business what bra's I chose for DD. Now I will have to find somewhere else to buy her bra's.

I am planning to write to the store manager.

OP posts:
Inthedarkaboutfashion · 11/01/2015 17:03

I am obviously wrong then.

engeika · 11/01/2015 17:03

YABU - she gave good advice. She wasn't rude. You were in a bra changing room not the middle of a restaurant or on a bus FFS.

You would be better dealing with your DDs ability to handle buying a bra. (And yes I have done it)

OnlyLovers · 11/01/2015 17:04

Genuine question, which I'm sure someone will shout me down for: what do people feel about instilling in teenage girls that it's not shameful to have breasts or wear bras?

I say this in response to the OP's comment about there being men around. Why (again, genuine question) should that be a problem? Presumably most men know that most women have breasts and buy and wear bras?

I remember my teenage years and yes, any public discussion of anything like breasts would have mortified me, but I wonder if, had my mum been more supportive and not treated bras like something to be a bit ashamed of (sending my dad away while she and I went to look at them etc), I'd have grown up feeling a bit less embarrassed about it.

Original poster
CalicoBlue · 11/01/2015 17:05

I think I am so cross because I am going to have a problem getting her bra's now. She won't go back to M&S.

Rockin thanks I will try New Look, there is one near us.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 11/01/2015 17:07

I'm just wondering how the letter will go.

Dear M&S

I was recently offered advice on buying bras by one of the people in your stores who are employed for the purpose of giving advice to people buying bras. I am absolutley FURIOUS. This is an outrage.^

The whole situation was made worse by this woman pointing at her own breasts. Clearly, any reference to breasts, especailly third party breasts, is totally inappropriate in a bra purchasing scenario. I will now be boycotting your bras and buying them from somewhere which does feel the spurious need to discuss breasts in the context of bras.

notagainffffffffs · 11/01/2015 17:07

Calico I do feel for her I would have veen the same at 13! The assistant was forthright but correct I'm afraid. I would order a whole bunch from newlook and take back what waant suitable

christmaspies · 11/01/2015 17:08

yabu but go ahead and make a complaint. However the next person might be very grateful for the advice.
The daughter is likely to have been embarrassed but all teenagers get embarrassed about various things which are totally normal.

Saki5000 · 11/01/2015 17:08

I can't see the issue. Why are bras embarrassing and why is the fact that the advice was unsolicited such a big deal? It's not as if anyone was going to force you to take the advice. They were just trying to be helpful Hmm

RockinHippy · 11/01/2015 17:09

Inthedarkaboutfashion
I am obviously wrong then

Afraid so, I was like you, with a similar upbringing & thought the same, that my being more open etc would mean she wouldn't be so embarrassed -maher dad is the same, but nope, she is just mortified instead - many of our friends have older DDs & they ALL went through this stage, but for most it will pass - fingers crossed it does for ours as I find it quite a difficult phase as I am very open & frequently embarrass her without meaning to - shopping is fun not

swampytiggaa · 11/01/2015 17:10

My daughter is 11 and currently wearing a 30C

I refused to take her to m&s for bra fitting as they are (IMHO) shit.

I found a nice independent bra shop and took her there. The owner had fitted me well previously so I was confident DD would have a good experience.

Sapph1e · 11/01/2015 17:10

I have a 13 yr old DD and I would have appreciated the advice and taken the embarrassment away from my DD by dealing with the woman myself.
No need to be self conscious and if it happens - tough it out. No one is going to think any the less of you!

DoItTooJulia · 11/01/2015 17:12

Oh, I feel for your dd. not the start she needs, eh?

There are lots of other places to buy bras, or you could order on line and return? Until her confidence is back up.

You could start a thread in style and beauty asking for advice, the ladies over there are dead knowledgeable.

Best of luck Flowers

Purplepumpkins · 11/01/2015 17:12

She was just being helpful and doing her job, an she's right about wire bras.

You plan to write to the manager and complain that his employe was performing her job.....

Pagwatch · 11/01/2015 17:14

To be honest I do think she needs to get over herself a bit.

My DD is 12 and we are having similar conversations that she copes with on a scale of 'quite relaxed' through to 'kill me now'

But being embarrassed in a situation is understandable - refusing to go shopping for bras again is bloody silly.
I would be having an 'I'm sorry, I know you were embarrassed but you really need to grow up. No one within a three mile radius will ever even remember that conversation so we are going shopping'

TooHasty · 11/01/2015 17:15

I took DD13 to buy some new bras today.She is only 34B, but there were no underwired at all in her size at the department store we went to.

TooHasty · 11/01/2015 17:15

YABU though .She is hired to give advice on bra fitting and that is what she did!

goodasitgets · 11/01/2015 17:16

She wasn't a bra fitter though - she was simply meant to take them to the changing rooms!
What's next? "Sorry that dress will be far too small for you?"
I don't want bra advice, I complained when I asked for my bra size in a shop and got laughed at in disbelief

KurriKurri · 11/01/2015 17:18

I don't get this faux 'right on' attitude about 'we should be free and easy talking about our bodies any time any where, there nothing shameful about it' crap.

Of course bodies aren't shameful, or embarrassing but they are private and they are ours to decide who and when we talk about them with. That's the lesson we should be teaching our children. And no - I wouldn't want to discuss my underwear in front of strange men or women - I consider it private, not shameful or embarrassing. I have no problem talking about such things with friends.
Just not men I have never met.

And if you are in the business of selling personal items to teenagers, thenget your act together and have abit of tact, otherw ise you are undertrained and a complaint might save another teenagers from being embarrased.

TooHasty · 11/01/2015 17:18

The Op describes her as a 'bra assisitant'
I don't think she said anything that would be embarrassing to a normal person.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/01/2015 17:19

I'm another one who says YABU. The assistant was quite right to give that advice, and both you are your DD are being a bit precious about the awfulness of talking about breasts in the context of bra-buying.

ShootTheMoon · 11/01/2015 17:19

Where oh where are the bra interventionists?

OP and other people, do take a look at the Better Bra Campaign. Amazing advice on fitting and your daughters can measure their own size. Then you can just try a few styles in the right size (or order online) which minimises the fuss!

Young teens are quite likely to have small back measurements compared to adults (depending on build of course) and quite large sounding cup sizes, but as someone who has gone from wearing a 36A to a 32E without actually changing boob size - it's brilliant! And soooo much more comfortable.

Pagwatch · 11/01/2015 17:19

Goodasitgets

I used to be in charge of a changing room and sometimes wanted to say 'seriously, don't do it'

susiedaisy · 11/01/2015 17:20

Underwired bras aren't suitable for developing boobs it can damage the breast tissue so the assistant was correct IMO, however she didn't need to blurt that out in front of other customers she should of waited until you were at the cubicle and then said something.

Original poster
CalicoBlue · 11/01/2015 17:21

It's not as if anyone was going to force you to take the advice

She took the bra's that we wanted to try on away from me.

I asked DD why she walked off, she said there were people listening and she knew I was going to argue with the assistant. So boobs and her mother are embarrassing.

OP posts:
Pastamancer · 11/01/2015 17:21

Too are you sure your dd is a 34B? Most teens would need a smaller band than that, I'm a size 20 and fit a 36 band.