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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask who pays for bridesmaids dresses?

154 replies

jemima1988 · 11/01/2015 12:15

I'm just watching a TV show about weddings

the bride is expecting the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses?!? I was under the impression this was included in the cost of the wedding?

am i wrong?

OP posts:
SconeRhymesWithGone · 16/01/2015 19:52

The one I had to sew myself was for a medieval themed wedding; it wasn't actually all that ugly and was fun to make, but needless to say, opportunities to wear it again were few and far between.

Hushabyelullaby · 16/01/2015 19:54

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, shoes and jewellery. It didn't even cross my mind that I wouldn't be paying for them.

KERALA1 · 16/01/2015 20:00

Easy - bride and groom pay unless bm can wear what they like. Anything else breathtakingly rude. Was horrified when sil told me one of her bm was refusing to pay for her dress. Bm stepped down friendship over. Hope that was worth the £80 odd saved.

DamselNotInHerDress · 16/01/2015 20:08

I'm being a bridesmaid in 3 months. Bride paid for the 2 bridesmaids dresses but the other lady and I both decided to put the money in an envelope and send it back to her. She has decide to put it towards hen night meal, so everyone is happy :)
It was a nice thing to do as we could both afford it and it means that the booze bill may be at least partially paid for!
Have paid for my own shoes, bride is paying for hair, makeup, jewellery, some kind of pashmina thingy, and hotel room and treatment of some kind the night before the wedding.
So the bride did pay, but we paid her back entirely through our own choice.

mickeyfartpants · 16/01/2015 20:08

Sorry, this may have been mentioned already but is it traditional that the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses? I don't think so.

I thought that the traditional reasoning behind having bridesmaids at all is that they are younger members of the brides family or close friends who are not married themselves, hence the brides family use the day show them off to potential suitors for matches of their own?

That's why you never used to get married bridesmaids. They are matrons of honour. It all comes under the brides family's fee. Not the bridesmaid herself!

Hulababy · 16/01/2015 20:16

It has varied in all the weddings I have been to/involved in.

When my DD was a bridesmaid for my sister, we bought her dress. We offered to and we got ful choice in style etc of wht we got. We just knew a rough colour scheme based on my sister's dress.

In the past when I was little and was a bridesmaid - then the dress was made for me by a relative, and the cost was picked up by the bride's family - but I had no say is sty;e or colour.

These days it seems to be mixed but those where people buy their own dress appear to get a big say in what it looks like, where it comes from, etc. Where it has been paid for my the bride, the bridesmaid never seem to have any say at all. I know which i would prefer!

Hulababy · 16/01/2015 20:20

Oh - and generally when the bridesmaids pay, the bride is happy to have co-ordinating but not matching bridesmaid dresses - similar colour scheme, but not same dress for example. Many of the younger people's weddings I have seen have been along these lines over recent years.

rollonthesummer · 16/01/2015 20:21

Oh! Traditionally the bridesmaids pay for their own

Says who?!

rollonthesummer · 16/01/2015 20:26

Easy - bride and groom pay unless bm can wear what they like. Anything else breathtakingly rude. Was horrified when sil told me one of her bm was refusing to pay for her dress. Bm stepped down friendship over. Hope that was worth the £80 odd saved.

I'm a bit confused-what does 'Bm stepped down friendship over' mean?

Hulababy · 16/01/2015 20:27

Vinomcstephens Sun 11-Jan-15

Oh, and every time I read "I wanted to pay but my bridesmaids absolutely insisted smile" I'm afraid I call bullshit.

---

Rubbish! I insisted on paying for DD's bridesmaid dress. Couldn't see why my sister should pay for it - DD would have needed a new dress for a wedding anyway, we were having full choice over the dress, we were buying it where we live so miles from my sister so practically it made more sense - and we were earning far more than my sister too, so why shouldn't we?

I know lots of people who have offered to pay for their own bridesmaid dresses.

Hulababy · 16/01/2015 20:33

Just googled traditions - and even online it seems to vary. I did however find this gem:

Traditionally, bridesmaids were used to help ward off evil spirits, dressing similarly to the bride.

Nice!

gincamelbak · 16/01/2015 20:42

When I got married, my mum chose and paid for the bridesmaid dresses. It was a control thing... I paid for hair and makeup for them and me. I didn't care about shoes so said they could wear what they wanted, being comfortable was the important thing.

When I was bridesmaid, there were 6 of us. We were told the colour but had to buy our own dress and shoes. We were all in different styles which probably looked better in the bride's imagination than reality. Bride was going to organise hair and makeup but only pay for herself, none of us could afford the extortionate prices (even the bride) so we did our own.

I haven't heard of anyone else making the bridesmaid pay for their own dress.

ThereMustAndShallBeTea · 16/01/2015 20:50

Grin at the controlling thing - when I was a bm as a child (along with my cousins), my grandmother, an incredibly controlling narcissist, bought a couple of bolts of fabric for the dresses, shoes and hats and presented the whole lot to the bride (her niece) as a fait accompli.

gincamelbak · 16/01/2015 21:09

shallbetea I told my mum that I was looking for heather purple and promised one bridesmaid I wouldn't choose strapless dresses as neither she nor my sister (the other bm) liked them.

Mum demanded green strapless dresses, once she had got over me and the bms refusing to contemplate full length corseted dresses with matching tiaras.

I'm slightly in awe of the brass neck of your gran!

MissBattleaxe · 16/01/2015 21:11

The bride should definitely pay unless the bridesmaid is going to wear something she already owns.

To ask someone to be a bridesmaid as if its a great honour, and then bill them is unspeakably rude and inconsiderate. A couple's wedding should not put any guest or member of the wedding party in any state of financial penury, and that rule should apply to all aspects of the wedding and hen/stag do.

mickeyfartpants · 16/01/2015 21:31

FWIW, I was a bridesmaid twice last year. The first time I paid for my dress but was heavily involved in choice. I still didn't really like the colour but it did look nice on the day and I might wear it again. Plus the day was a total breeze despite some huge hiccups. Great wedding.

The second time I had hair, make up, dress, shoes paid for. No input from me whatsoever. I was at the whims of a frantic bridezilla the whole time. My hair was to be as she said, my face, everything. So I much preferred the day where I coughed up but had some free choice!

MsVestibule · 16/01/2015 23:06

My older sister asked me to be her BM 20 years ago, with the words "Do you want to be a bridesmaid? It's up to you whether you buy or hire your dress." Hmm. She also told me how I had to do my hair, then made me pay for it.

My younger sister said "I'd love you to be my BM. I'm really sorry to ask, but would you mind paying for your dress?"

Guess which sister I get on better with?!

KERALA1 · 17/01/2015 00:20

Rollsonsummer sil asked bridesmaid to pay for (hideous) dress. Bm refused. Bride upset. Bm said fine I won't be your bm. Bride hurt but didn't offer to pay for dress. Bm wouldn't pay for dress either. Bm wasn't bm nor attended wedding. Neither have have spoken since. Sort of a lesson in how not to do it - everyone upset and aggrieved.

WiiUnfit · 17/01/2015 07:45

My bridesmaids had everything (dress, shoes, hair, make up, flowers, even a hotel room the night before) paid for by us & PiLs. One was very grateful, one was a vicious little bitch not so much, she's no longer in our life Grin

BringMeTea · 17/01/2015 09:09

I have been a bm 5 times and have never paid for the dress. I am from the North and working class so don't think it's that nomama. Personally I think bride and groom should pay and should budget for their wedding accordingly.

paperlace · 17/01/2015 09:30

I offerred to pay for my BM dress - but my SIL wouldn't have any of it (despite being pretty strapped for cash) because she's gorgeous and generous and one of my best friends now Smile

ethelb · 17/01/2015 09:44

In my bitter experience bridesmaid pays as other trust funded rah bridesmaid insists. Despite several sit down chats by the bride about people's respective incomes with other bridesmaid, bride does eventually send you the bill after promising not to, for posh frock other bridesmaid chose.

WiiUnfit · 17/01/2015 09:46

BringMeTea has hit the nail on the head. If you can't afford 6 bm dresses, don't have 6 bm! The financial help we were kindly given towards our wedding was completely unexpected, we had budgeted for us paying for everything and the money we then didn't spend ourselves went into our savings, which is exactly what our "helpers" wanted.

ShumbTucker · 17/01/2015 15:11

I laughed at SIL when she asked me for the money for DHs best man attire. I told her she could have the suit back no problem but she wasn't getting the money. Smile

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 17/01/2015 16:11

I was a BM at an amazing wedding in the summer the total wedding party was bride and groom, 4 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen. Bride and groom paid for everything except the men's suits and shoes since they were all things the groomsmen had anyway. It was a nice dress and a fun day, but I would never have picked that dress, make up, shoes, bag, shrug, so I would have been annoyed to pay for it. Some of the stories here really shock me, but a pp hit it on the head - obviously some couples expect you to be so honoured that you've been chosen that you obviously will want to pay for exactly what they want.