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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask who pays for bridesmaids dresses?

154 replies

jemima1988 · 11/01/2015 12:15

I'm just watching a TV show about weddings

the bride is expecting the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses?!? I was under the impression this was included in the cost of the wedding?

am i wrong?

OP posts:
Nishky · 11/01/2015 16:30

For your information vino I did insist on paying for my dress when my brother got married-I knew that DH and sil were on low incomes with two dc -I was single on a good wage.

So good luck 'calling bullshit' because I have a perfect recollection of the sequence of events.

Nomama · 11/01/2015 16:33

missmorse, don't think that the bride always pays in the UK. I am in the UK, many others who have said their bridesmaids paid are also in the UK.

It may be that we are also of a certain age, or may be more Northern, or we may be more working class, or some other as yet unknown common denominator. But in my UK based family and friends, bridesmaids pay for their dresses. The only exceptions were the brides that had a need for an OTT theme and truly one off dresses. In those cases (2 or 3 of them) the brides picked up the tab.

Then again, I don't know anyone who had foreign holidays masquerading as hen/stag do's either!

ByTheWishingWell · 11/01/2015 16:36

I don't think it's 'if you can't afford them don't have bridesmaids'. Rather, if you can't afford a wedding with a big bridal party in matching expensive dresses, shoes, jewellery and hairstyles, then scale back your plans to suit your budget, instead of expecting other people to pick up the tab.
Whether that is by having less bridesmaids, buying cheaper outfits, cutting costs elsewhere or letting bridesmaids wear clothes they already own.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/01/2015 16:40

I've only been one once and I paid for my own dress, I chose it and was able to wear it again, didn't have a problem with that.

Only1scoop · 11/01/2015 17:00

Cut your coat ....or bridesmaid dresses.... According to your cloth....

You can't go wrong then Smile

ConceptionZilla · 11/01/2015 17:32

My bridesmaid in the UK paid for her dress, we chose it together. MIL paid for the flower girls dress as she chose it (complicated family dynamics I had to have a flower girl from DH family so they paid her costs). When I was a BM to SIL I paid my own costs, didn't have a choice of dress but was happy to pay as it was family and I knew we are all on tight budgets, I didn't buy them a wedding present though. Had I asked friends to be BM or been asked by friends I'd expect the bride to pay.

42bunnytails · 11/01/2015 17:41

The bride both times the DDs have been bridesmaids.

Fist time they were very small so I bought them ordinary summer sandals and did their hair.

Second time they were teens and the bright bought them heels and they had their hair and makeup done with her.

However, I wouldn't have been surprised if my university flatmate paid (at least in part) when she was a bridesmaid for her sister, because she choose the dress to be suitable for our graduation ball as well.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/01/2015 17:45

How do brides tell the bridesmaids they have to pay for their own dresses??

When I was told the bride said to me, "I'm getting married and I would love you to be bridesmaid!! However, you need to pay for your own dress if you want to be one though."

Shock

I was too stunned to to anything but nod in agreement Grin

There's a huge difference between a bridesmaid offering to pay and a bride dictating that they have to.

In hindsight I wish I'd told my friend to p*ss off and declined her offer Grin

Wonkyparsnip · 11/01/2015 17:51

My bridesmaids paid for their own dresses. When I asked them I said we were on a tight budget and couldn't afford dresses and I completely understood if they didn't want to be a bridesmaid. They could wear what they wanted I just gave them a vague colour. It was either have no bridesmaids or that . I've always offered to pay for my dresses when I've been a bridesmaid too. I don't really get why it's tacky??? If my parents have me £20000 for a wedding Id have paid for their dresses but they didn't and we only had a budget of £10 per person. I think it's tacky to judge other people because of what they can afford.

flowery · 11/01/2015 17:51

I've never come across a bride in the UK expecting bridesmaids to help fund her wedding.

I'm sure it happens, and there are a few UK brides on this thread who did that, but it's definitely not normal or (imo) acceptable.

Stinkle · 11/01/2015 17:53

I think it depends on the wedding/how much control the bride wants over the dresses/etc.

When I was last a bridesmaid, it was very informal and relaxed, on a tight budget and the bride really didn't care what we wore - we all had simple, summer dresses that we could wear again and again so we paid for them - most of us got them from H&M for about 15 quid!

When I was a bridesmaid a couple of years before, I certainly wasn't going to pay for the very expensive monstrosities the bride insisted we wore!

When I got married, I didn't have any bridesmaids

flowery · 11/01/2015 17:57

No one is judging people for not being able to afford the wedding they want. People are being judged for expecting others to pay for the wedding they want rather than having the wedding they can afford.

londonrach · 11/01/2015 18:01

I paid for my bridesmaid so did my sister for her wedding, its rude not too!!!

muminhants · 11/01/2015 18:08

I paid for my adult bridesmaid's dress.

I had two child bridesmaids as well and they had off-the-shelf dresses from BHS. As neither of them lived locally, they both bought their own. I don't remember about my husband's niece, but my cousin had ummed and ahed about coming to the wedding and then about 2-3 weeks before said that he would and could his 9 year old be bridesmaid. So I think my aunt paid for the dress, at that stage I gratefully accepted her offer to pay.

This was in 1998.

Polyethyl · 11/01/2015 18:09

On the two occassions I was an adult bridesmaid I had to pay for my dresses ( one of which was VERY expensive) and I had no choice or say in what style. (To be fair though both dresses were nice.

When I was a Bride I asked my best friends to decide amongst themselves what they wanted to wear. Indecision and procrastination resulted. In the end I had to choose for them - and they insisted I pay.

So for me bridesmaid dresses have been very expensive - both as a bridesmaid myself and then as a Bride.

nooka · 11/01/2015 18:10

I've never heard of bridesmaids paying, although it might explain how my not very well off friends dd had ten of them! We moved to Canada and I'm not sure what the tradition is here, but in the UK I have never heard of bridesmaids paying for their outfits, so I really can't see how someone can declare that it is 'traditional' to do so in such an absolute way. There might well be different traditions in different parts of the country, different classes, even different families of course. Certainly it sounds as if the role is quite different (and much more expensive!) in the States. When I was growing up bridesmaids were mostly little girls whose only job was to look sweet!

myfallingstar · 11/01/2015 18:12

If you want to have complete control over what they are wearing then you pay

If you ask them to pay or pay some them you have to let them have a say

I wanted my vision so I paid

MiddleAgedandConfused · 11/01/2015 18:13

I have been a BM three times in the UK and had to pay for my own dress each time.

Confused

ChickenMe · 11/01/2015 18:14

I paid for the bm dress when I was bm for my best mate. The upside was I chose a dress I loved and have worn the dress numerous times since. She had to approve of the dress of course but luckily we have similar taste. Another upside is that when I get married I can say to her "right, the colour theme is x, go and choose a load of dresses you like and come back to me". Saves a lot of bother!

Reekypear · 11/01/2015 19:29

The bride without doubt.

pilates · 11/01/2015 19:46

Def the bride. You then have control of colour, style, etc.

Frikadellen · 11/01/2015 20:34

Oh, and every time I read "I wanted to pay but my bridesmaids absolutely insisted smile" I'm afraid I call bullshit. Absolute bullshit. No bridesmaid in the history of the world has insisted on paying to be part of the bridal party but if it makes you feel better to tell the lie to complete strangers then fill your boots smile*

Seriously You call bullshit to this?

My aunt paid for fabric for BOTH my bridesmaid dresses (my mother sewed them) and YES she insisted -she btw was NOT a bridesmaid her dd was, so perhaps that doesn't count?

I was with my friend when her bridesmaid insisted on paying for the dress (I was not bm to her at the time we had not known one another a long time)

I have no problem believing some people really are THAT generous.

I find it quite sad you do.

102030 · 11/01/2015 20:55

The bride and groom should pay for the dress and any other expenses.

The only exception should be if the bridesmaids are allowed to wear whatever they want.

stickingpoint2 · 11/01/2015 21:58

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times. On one of those occasions the bride paid (the rest were a mix of parents / me age dependent).
I have married twice and have had 7 (!) Bridesmaids. I paid for all of them.
Not one of those situations caused me any cause to wonder if that was OK.

stickingpoint2 · 11/01/2015 22:00

Oh. And when my DD's were asked to be flowergirls I absolutely insisted on paying for those dresses.

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