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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to consider writing to every man in the world

686 replies

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/01/2015 13:50

To inform them all (probably leave Dh out of the round robin) that I do not want to have sex with them unless and until further formal notice from me?

As it seems that there is such confusion among so many people about the nature of consent I want to avoid putting any of them in the terribly awkward position of wondering whether simply being in the same room as them means they are invited to stick their dick in me.
So is that an unreasonable proposition?

OP posts:
PetulaGordino · 11/01/2015 23:50

It is supposed to be ridiculous and unworkable

That is the whole point

This is what rape apologists' comments have led the op to think they would need to see happen in order for women to be believed. The op does not think she should need to do this for women to be believed

GallicIsCharlie · 12/01/2015 00:16

I prefer my surrealism to be properly out there. All this looks-like-rational-prose-but-is-quite-insane stuff makes me roll my eyes & gurn a lot, like this:
Confused Hmm Confused Confused Hmm Confused Hmm Hmm Confused Confused

The Daffy Posts Award for this thread goes to Micksy Crown Congrats, the competition was intense.

GallicIsCharlie · 12/01/2015 00:17

Why would you see such a letter as an accusation?

Yes! WHY???? Why would you, for pete's sake?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/01/2015 00:48

Ever seen a thread where a woman's come online and described her sexual assault and rape, looking to offload, for advice, for comfort? And then seen a bunch of replies from both men and women questioning the victim as to how hard she objected, how many ways she tried to communicate that she wasn't consenting, suggesting that there was possibly confusion on the attacker's part as to whether there was consent or not? And then, ever thought about sending a letter to all the men in the world, letting them know in advance of you attempting to go about your life without being raped, that you do not give consent- so they are forearmed with definitive absence of consent and that no one needs to worry on their behalf whether they could have been confused?

Well I have. OP yanbu

And who in the hell thinks it's flattering to be raped, that it can be taken as affirmation of your sexual attractiveness? Like, woohoo the internet thinks I'm attractive enough to incite rape?

2015... Quite depressing.

ItsNotUnusualToBe · 12/01/2015 00:49

Great thread OP.

Consent is pretty straightforward generally. If you're struggling with the concept, it's a bit of a worry really.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/01/2015 01:46

Some of the replies from here are quite literally terrifying. I am increasingly saddened and concerned.
Firstly, that anyone could be so mind numbingly stupid to think that proposing a default of non consent is some kind of come-on, or accusation.
And secondly that a man is openly suggesting that a woman verbalising 'the wrong' message about rape invites the problem to continue.
I weep. I weep for my sisters and my daughter and for me.

'Get the message right or remain to walk the streets at night'. Thanks.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/01/2015 01:48

Get the message right or remain afraid to walk the streets at night.'

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 12/01/2015 02:29

If non-consent can be binding years into the future, on men you only meet then, that would imply a world in which the same could be true for consent. I have no particular scenario in mind for that, but I suspect there must be one you wouldn't like.
The above extract from an earlier post is pretty disturbing I think

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/01/2015 02:36

Really?
Really?

I need to start writing. I will add all your names.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/01/2015 02:38

And no. It implies no such thing.
That is the point really.

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 12/01/2015 02:41

Yes really! Was on 9/01 at 23.23

TheCowThatLaughs · 12/01/2015 02:42

No it doesn't but the threat is "don't try and be logical, women, or you'll argue yourselves into getting raped Angry

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/01/2015 02:57

Yes. Its actually depressing.

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/01/2015 03:30

Your no needs to have a specified time limit otherwise any unspoken or not declareds must default to a position of permanent yes. You can't possibly mean a universal and continuous no.

YonicSleighdriver · 12/01/2015 06:59

That poster never came back after I pointed out his blatant logical inconsistency.

Weird.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/01/2015 07:53

Yes, funny that.

OP posts:
HouseWhereNobodyLives · 12/01/2015 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 12/01/2015 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 12/01/2015 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notauniquename · 12/01/2015 09:21

Life that accepts men grab women's bums & boobs in crowded social situations.
I can't recall the last time I saw a man just reach out and grab a woman, (maybe it happens so often I'm blind to it) I can recall the last time a woman reached out and grabbed my bum. (Ironically enough it was on Friday, when I went out after posting on this thread.)

Sexual assault, from what most people have (wrongly) learned to deal with as mundane grabbing and groping, to full out rape because a person does not consent, or cannot consent is not only a problem that is something that men do to women.

The article linked earlier kareningalasmith.com/2014/12/23/feminism-nope-its-still-neither-for-nor-about-men/ has two things (which I see as) wrong:
a, A woman can't just tell a man how he should behave and expect him to listen and follow instruction, that's no more right than a man telling a woman what to do. (it does not speak of equal quality) (race to the top vs. race to the bottom)

b, The article talks about Domestic violence and say how the real problem is male violence towards women and children.
"Men need to see male violence against women as the problem, not create women’s violence against men" - as someone who has suffered domestic violence from a woman -and over a period of years rather than some isolated incident where she just snapped (it was a long time ago I don't need pity now) I can say that it's not just created at all, it's not something that's made up by men trying to get out of the basic human obligation to not be a massive cunt. I stopped reading at that point, it's clear that the author either does not know or chooses to ignore that 1 in five domestic violence arrests is women attacking men (and yes through societies ills of teaching "men to be men" most domestic violence against men is not reported), or that many times if a man calls a domestic abuse helpline his calls are treated as if it were a joke (he is questioned and not believed), or that 67% of DV cases against children are committed by women. (but yeah, it's a male violence problem)

It's a shame, because it may have been a good article, but it's so completely wrong, riddled with factual errors, that I didn't even get halfway through before closing the window, the fact that it's held up as something that should be read and understood by men, and everyone then pats themselves on the back whilst ignoring the fact that the article is wrong is just as troubling as people who suggest that the best way to not consent is an ankle length skirt.

Sure women don't need men to tell them how to organise a successfully movement, women can organise feminism on their own. however the article points out that men shouldn't have access to feminist spaces. roughly 12% of rape victims are men (yeah actual old fashion had a dick stuck in your kind of rape), a disproportionately low amount of funds to help rape victims (only 10%) is spent on male causes, men should have and do need access to traditionally feminist spaces (such as meetings for survivors of rape.)

You are a man, spread the word.
This.
Whether through patriarchy, arrogance, or bad teaching, boys will listen to other boys more readily, boys won't listen to women feminists who are perceived as nagging them.

TheCowThatLaughs · 12/01/2015 09:24

Sorry Yoric I should have said you had challenged the poster at the time Blush
That poster wasn't a troll though was he? Just a regular poster who thinks it's ok to say that asking not to be raped will be punished by rape

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 12/01/2015 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCowThatLaughs · 12/01/2015 09:35

Men need access to female spaces?
Does what women need matter at all?

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 12/01/2015 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YonicSleighdriver · 12/01/2015 09:50

No, he's not a troll. I don't think he was trying to be threatening, just coming up with some theory.