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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel sad having seen a little girl given a dummy and a great big set of headphones thenparents sat an ate in a pub

317 replies

Bearbehind · 05/01/2015 19:02

We were in a pub at the weekend and sat beside a couple with a 2/3 year old girl in a pushchair.

Her parents tried to get her to go to sleep by covering the buggy with a blanket and rocking it but she was wide awake. She wasn't crying or cranky, she was just babbling away to herself and didn't really want to stay in the pushchair so they put her on a seat, put a massive pair of 'beats' type headphones on her, stuck a dummy in and plugged her into an iPad.

I fully appreciate its none of my business but it just made me sad that this was such an automatic reaction with a little girl who just wanted to interact rather than a last resort.

OP posts:
meltedmonterayjack · 06/01/2015 16:45

Sirzy I do see your point about children not being born with a SN diagnosis.

If a parent doesn't have concerns that their toddler might have SN, then I don't agree that mealtimes should involve toys etc RedButton . Tables and high chairs are for food.

Mrsfrumble · 06/01/2015 16:55

So meltedmonterey, how do you suggest parents entertain a toddler who's verbal skills are not yet up to holding a conversation during a 20 or 30 minute wait for food to be served? I'm not being facetious. Genuinely interested!

Borka · 06/01/2015 17:17

meltedmonteray I didn't have any concerns about my DS having SN when he was 2, I thought he was just very sensitive to noise etc. It wasn't until he went to nursery that I started to think he might have ASD, and he wasn't diagnosed until he was nearly 6. I don't think I was wrong to get him ear defenders before I was specifically worried about SN.

slightlyconfused85 · 06/01/2015 17:46

Yabu. If I take 2 yo dd out for lunch I will give her an iPad while we are waiting. This gives me 5 minutes peace and stops her from being difficult while others are eating as she is hungry and a bit bored. This is not representative of how she is entertained generally...judgey op

AllTheMadmen · 06/01/2015 17:48

Tables and high chairs are for food.

Oh your child will sit in a high chair?

Lucky. One would, one would not.

meltedmonterayjack · 06/01/2015 18:29

mrsfrumble I'd do my best to not take my toddler out to eat if it meant they were miserable and fidgety. I wouldn't expect them to sit for 30 mins wait for food in a cafe or restaurant if they weren't able to wait that long.

Mrsfrumble · 06/01/2015 19:08

That's fine, meltedmonteray, if you can always predict that stuff. But you can't always predict how long a meal will take, and whether a toddler who was calm and cheerful to begin with will remain so throughout. At least I can't. Maybe I'm missing something?

On the few occasions that we have resorted to the iPad or videos / games on the phone while eating out it has been because the food had taken longer than expected to arrive, then DS, who was previously hungry and cheerful, has decided that he's had enough and will not sit still while the rest of the family finishes eating. Or else it has been while we're on holiday and we don't really have any choice about eating out and about, whether the children are in the right mood or not.

Which is why I would not judge the family that the OP witnessed; because the ideal scenario where everything is carefully planned and calibrated to suit the character and mood of the child isn't always manageable in real life.

MrsKoala · 06/01/2015 19:10

That's quite ridiculous monterayjack. There are situations where my family simply must eat out. So if that is made possible, and dare i say it, even pleasurable by ds using an ipad, then you still think we should not use one and just all go hungry till he learns the art of good conversation? Confused Good luck with that.

meltedmonterayjack · 06/01/2015 19:38

MrsKoala I'm not from a culture that involves letting kids have books/toys etc at mealtimes.

When we to eat, babies and toddlers sit on someones knee if they're fidgety/tired and upset at the thought of a high chair. Toddlers eat at the table, babies will sit in a high chair or on someones knee to feed.

At home if the toddlers finish eating before the adults (which they do), then they either sit on someone's knee and have a cuddle or play nearby, but not at or right by the table. If they are sat at the table they are eating or chatting/babbling away.

If they want to play and have finished eating they leave the table. In a restaurant where they can't do that without disturbing others, they sit on someone's knee and have a cuddle or chatter/burble. We don't put headphones over their ears and an ipad in their hands and ignore them.

If they are distressed by the noise and light of a restaurant then I'd keep that experience to a minimum, and yes, I'd do what I could to make it as ok as possible for them, if there wasn't a choice.

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2015 19:39

How is staying in better than using an ipad ?

hazeyjane · 06/01/2015 19:55

If they are distressed by the noise and light of a restaurant then I'd keep that experience to a minimum.

The trouble is days out and visits to cafés etc are unpredictable, life is unpredictable. My ds loves going to cafés, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming. A child might be perfectly happy until someone drops a tray, or a table has a baby with a loud squeal etc.

Plus if you have more than one child then you can't restrict everything you do to the needs of one child - we go on holiday, to the beach, to the fair, to restaurants, to the supermarket...all these things can be difficult for ds, but we are a family and we have a life and want to get on with our lives, sometimes in order to get on with it we have to provide ds with ways that he won't be overwhelmed - sitting in his buggy, wearing his earphones, playing his iPad.

...and yes, I'd do what I could to make it as ok as possible for them, if there wasn't a choice. like playing an iPad?

Mrsfrumble · 06/01/2015 19:55

And what if a child doesn't want to sit on someone's lap and be cuddled either? Are active and determined toddlers are unique to Britain and the USA?

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/01/2015 20:00

DD2 can still be funny about sitting on laps.

She also is a but behind In her speech. A conversation wouldn't last that long. She's four and better than she was. She does also enjoy eating out. But hasn't got huge amounts of patience if food takes a long time to arrive.

It wasn't til she went to pre school she started talking actual sentences. Wtf I was supposed to do with regards to engaging her In conversation the entire time.

She was/is also quite heavy handed and clumsy so crayons got dropped or broken. or eaten

ipad or iPhone e kept everyone happy and she still engaged with us

Strictlyison · 06/01/2015 20:06

Oh well I couldn't afford to take my kids to restaurants weekly so that they can get used to the distractions/noise/waiting for food/sit down for a two course meal. There was a period when I couldn't take all three out it was embarrassing, the noise they were making... Now they are older, lovely company, love going out, and I've saved hundred of pounds by not eating in restaurants - or just going to local caf where nobody judges you! Oh yes, ilovelamp, if you'd had three kids all 18 months apart, I can tell you that you would have a different view.

treaclesoda · 06/01/2015 20:12

My three year old would go nuts if I tried to make him sit on my knee if he didn't want to. Then we'd be the sort of parents who get tutted at because their child has disturbed everyone in the restaurant. I had no idea that we were terrible parents because we sometimes like to eat out. I find the thought of sitting at home, never able to go on holidays or a day out, until he has mastered the art of sitting at the dinner table debating with us to be a pretty depressing prospect. I naively thought that as long as we paid for our food and didnt disturb the other customers that all was well with the world. Oh well. You live and learn.

Borka · 06/01/2015 22:39

I agree completely, treaclesoda.

Making sure your child has what they need to make being in the restaurant a pleasant experience for them and for everyone else in the restaurant isn't lazy parenting, it's good parenting!

Hurr1cane · 07/01/2015 10:11

Yesterday we went to Pizza Hut, it was very very quiet so DS didn't need his massive headphones but his ipad was there next to him on silent, he engaged with us, did a jigsaw on the iPad, said "please food" to the waitress, commented on what he was doing and showed us, did some colouring in on the iPad while we all talked about it and helped him, did some spelling and number recognition games on it with us and did some fantastic learning.

He couldn't use the crayons they gave him because of his disabilities. How is what he did any less than colouring in with the crayons they gave us? I'd say it was a lot better, more communication from it, much more learning, the waitress commented on how lovely his manners and behaviour was.

babybarrister · 07/01/2015 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/01/2015 10:21

Why are other small toys superior to an iPad with learning games on it

Hurr1cane · 07/01/2015 10:28

I don't know fanjo but the last thing I wanted to do when waitressing was to step on a small car with plates full of hot food Confused or be rammed by a child pushing its dolls around.

lambsie · 07/01/2015 11:00

My son eats playdough and crayons, can't use a pencil and small cars are for throwing. The toys he plays with all involve noise so I either get a noisy toy out or let him make his own noise (which he will probably do anyway). If headphones and an ipad worked then I would be doing that.

SeeChooJimmy · 07/01/2015 12:29

Dd3 2 as i type this is sitting dummy in mouth, disney priness dress on, watching her own tab 3 with her dads headphones on (solos by 50cent not beats though) she often takes it up to the dinner table but still fully interacts in conersation with us, really dont think shes being ignored in anyway or needs pittyGrin

To feel sad having seen a little girl given a dummy and a great big set of headphones thenparents sat an ate in a pub
treaclesoda · 07/01/2015 12:52

I find some of the attitudes here depressing too. I find it depressing that so many people are so convinced that any parent who does things differently to how they do things is somehow neglectful or lazy.

If a child is loved by his/her parents, cuddled, cherished, made to feel valued and they are supported and encouraged through their education and beyond, I really really don't care if said parents let them use an iPad for five minutes on Christmas and birthdays, five minutes a day, five hours a day, only when they have a long wait in a restaurant or never under any circumstances.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/01/2015 13:01

In my book anyone who a) cares for their child and b) does their best to think about other people are doing a sterling job

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/01/2015 13:07
  • babybarrister Wed 07-Jan-15 10:19:54

Because.......maybe.....the child has just been to a play group and spent the last two hours playing with small cars and toys and doing craft and is due a nap and down time?