G/Children sleepover at granny's house

[Zabelithe]

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP I don't see why you, and I mean you not your GC, are so keen to do this. You seem to have little regard for your DIL's feelings. Small children will often agree they want to do something if it is proposed. My own are very enthusiastic about most things suggested- it's just the age they are. So I don't think you can claim this is all for your GC either.

So in terms of what you are 'missing out on' with a sleepover:-
Dinner- serve a cooked lunch one day
Bath time- give them a bath, buy some bath paint/crayons, have a bath after a muddy walk, paddling pool in summer.
Stories-can do anytime
Watching them sleep-no need!
Breakfast-serve bacon sandwiches or pancakes for lunch one day instead.

The other thing that has crossed my mind is that usually your son and DIL may go say 10 hours without seeing their child.
If the child stays over this increases to 34 hours.

"OP I don't see why you, and I mean you not your GC, are so keen to do this. You seem to have little regard for your DIL's feelings."

Where on earth did you get that from? Classic Mumsnet anti mil knee jerk reaction, if you ask me!

There was one wonderfully honest poster downthread- I'll look for it.

"I used to stay with my GF when a child and loved going there."

Did you leave your son with his GPs also then, did your DIL stay with hers?

For some of us it isn't something that happened.

As for trusting own mum more than MIL.

I'm not sure if it's trust so much as just feeling more comfortable with your own mum, can ask them to do/not to do stuff more easily.

They are just the one that you would ask first if you are sorting out childcare.

If you feel that you are good enough for childcare but not sleepovers, perhaps you should stop the childcare!

My dmum has looked after my first dd overnight since about 3 weeks old tbh, dd2 not until about 3 months.

They both have a cracking relationship now they're older! However I, too would not allow them to stay over at Mil as she is very dramatic (often says she is going to kill herself to gain attention) I am sure she has no intention of the sort but I am always worried she may not give my children back if she was to look after them.

Comme ce Comme ca

Has you DS/DIL actually given a reason for not 'allowing' sleepovers, have you had a frank decision about it?

It could be that although your DGC tells you she/he would like to stay the night they don't really want to themselves so rather than your DS/DIL telling you the truth they conceal it behind 'not allowing' the sleep over.

Do they 'allow' the DC to have sleepovers elsewhere?

Like all these situations, only you and your DS/DIL know the whole truth - you have to talk to them. .

Just because your GC says to you that she wants to sleep over at your house doesn't mean she actually does when it comes down to the reality of being away from her home and parents overnight. Lots of small children will happily agree with the loving adult's suggestion because they know it will make them happy if they do.

Maybe DIL knows that her DD isn't ready yet because she's up lots in the night with her due to nightmares or she's just not a good sleeper? Or maybe DIL just doesn't see the need for her DD to sleepover yet?

It's totally down to child and the parents, there isn't a one size fits all situation, or something expected that every child should have to do, ready or willing or not.

I stayed for the first time with my beloved grandparents at six and much as I adored them I still remember sobbing for hours and the terror of being left overnight by parents. By eight it was something I loved to do.

There are probably good reasons on the parents' side, fully including 'I don't want to'. Children are not toys to expect a turn with. When the time is right it'll happen.

Incidentally for the posts about its always the mil who loses out, there are several posts here where a mum is delighted to leave a child with pil but not own parents.

FWIW I definitely don't trust my own mum more than my MIL!

This summer, aged 8 and 6. First time children were comfortable with it (im still not which is no reflection on my parents/inlaws at all).

OP can we take it GD's dad is not around, since you say you have her while mum is working? Children with 2 resident parents have childcare when they are both working.

Why are you piling this all on daughters/DIL? Surely it's something parents decide together. Unless you're determined to cast the mum as the issue, which would be somewhat ironic.

Never: I don't trust her enough.

However, my sister's kids have slept over at their granny's since eight weeks of age. She has them every other weekend.

My older 3 were all around 6ish before they showed genuine wish to stay over at my parents, even though they were familiar with being at her house during the day. We were there a couple of times a week at least. My mum never pushed the issue of sleep overs, and i never felt the 'need' to have the kids out of the house all night when they were little. If (X)DH and i wanted to go out GPs would come to ours and sit. I think they slept at my mums a maximum of 3 times in their life.

With the ILs, (now outlaws) the kids showed 0 interest in being at their house much at all, probably because the ILs showed 0 interest in having them their. ILs youngest sons DCs were the 'golden' grand-children and the other GCs (not just mine) were just background noise, very sadly.

My parents and the ILs were within walking distance. This is years ago - older 3DDs are teens and 20s now.

With my 2nd (and current) DH - his parents are very hands-on with their daughters kids (because she uses them for child-care) with sleepovers every week or so. However their sons DD has only slept round there once in 3 years. It was a bit of an emergency which prompted it and i seem to remember it didn't go well and hasn't happened again.

DH and i have an 11 month old together, who wont be sleeping at my mums ever probably, because my dear dad has passed on and mum is rather frail now. DD4 may stay at her other grans some day, but as they live 2 hours away it will have to be for a good reason, really, and be when she is older and much more familiar with them than she is now. At the mo they only see her once a month and she is very shy with them.

But that's life - every family is different.

That was long!

There's a few reasons why they don't stay at IL's

They dont see them very often so the kids wouldn't be comfortable there.
Issues with the house/food.
DH gets a really bad vibe about MIL's partner. Can't put his finger on it but he absolutely doesn't want the kids staying overnight. One of his sisters feels the same way but his other two siblings often leave their kids to stay with them.

FIL lives with BIL and his family and they've never stayed there either. DH isn't their biggest fan but I'd be happy for the kids to sleep over there, they'd be happy too I think as there would be their 5 cousins to play with.

Whoa is it always so aggressive here?

It does make me laugh that people don't seem to realize that their own lovely reliable mother is their brother's wife's MIL from hell...............

My GD is just two years, She stays with us at least once a month. DD would happily let het stay more but I do have a life.

She was two weeks when I first had her overnight. We have a very close bond, I think encouraging a good close relationship between GP and GC is one of the most special things you can do for your child.

I don't think anyone is being aggressive, you asked for a range of opinions and you've got them .

It always makes me laugh that usually people fail to grasp that a mother in law and DIl relationship is already fraught with many problems even in good ones.

A woman, a person, a human is many different things to many different people.

A MIL is going to be, look up and act very differently with her DIL than her daughter or best friend.

A mother and daughter may have the most beautiful perfect relationship and her mother is a true angle, but ...that same mother as a MIL may have jealously issues that she cannot reign in over her son, and may be a different kettle of fish to her dil.

In a true loving relationship the daughter should be able to point this out to her mother...for the benefit of all the family and defend her brother and his wife and smooth things over.
Unfortuntly we see time and time again, the DIL being marginalized and picked on, and petty natures ganging up on her.

Seems to me a lot of mums will use their parents for the convenience of free childcare - but are very selective regarding when/if DC can sleep over (because something could happen in the night that is impossible to happen in the day... )

& others who won't consider DCs sleeping over at PILs but have no such qualms when it comes to DCs sleeping over at their own mums

Left to get on with things in their own way I suppose. God forbid they should ever go through the same in later life and land on here going on about the DIL from hell...!

OP, surely it is up to mum and dad if they want their young children to stay overnight? I understand how you feel, that you are good enough to look after your gc during the day but not overnight but coming from a new mum who never had sleepovers with her own GP, leaving my young baby for a few hours when I really need to I.e medical appointment is about all I find necessary at the moment. I imagine as ds grows up I'll relax on this. I think it's a shame when parents are pushed into things because that's what is expected by GPs.

anyway op, i never had a sleep over with GP and see it as not needed.

if you get it grreat but its not odd to not want your dc to sleep at home.

Hayluyt - I agree with you - my own DM has 'issues' with her DIL (my SIL) and I am sure my SIL feels the same way - we don't discuss it but there are huge tensions when we meet up as a family which is as rarely as possible.

I can see both sides and there are things I put up with in my mother's behaviour because obviously I love her and have been around for ever. I do try and gently point out some unreasonable behaviour to her - but it's not always easy. .

Zab - have you actually been given a reason why you are not allowed to have the GC overnight?

"I don't think anyone is being aggressive, you asked for a range of opinions and you've got them smile."

I don't think she did, really. Most of the replies are the usual "paternal grandparents should expect only to have a relationship with their grandchildren if it is entirely mediated by their dil, and have no business having any sort of opinion" mumsnet rubbish. There isn't a single post even considering the possibility that the Dil in question might be being even slightly unreasonable, but lots stating unequivocally that the OP is.........

My children have never asked to stay at their grandparents and the grandparents have never offered. My Dad is no longer with us and was in poor health before he died, my mum is not young anymore and doesn't have the room anyway. My il's are young and have the room and I'm sure if we wanted a child free weekend and asked them to have the children they would probably agree but I don't think it would occur to them to offer otherwise. They have never had any of their other gc to stay either.

It's not something that happens in every family. If my inlaws did ask if they could have the children overnight I would agree to the eldest going but my youngest still sleeps with me so he isn't ready yet. I just can't imagine my inlaws asking though I think they are happy with daytime visits which is fair enough.

My DD stayed at my moms when she was about 15m my mom is very hands on with DD and they adore each other. However I wouldn't dream of letting my DD stay or be alone with XMIL but she was abusive to DD so a very good reason