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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
StackladysMorphicResonator · 05/01/2015 12:17

OP, I think it all boils down to the fact that your GC is not your child - you've had your turn to play 'mum', now you need to respect the boundaries that the child's parents have put in place. What's 'fair' is not applicable here, the child is not a commodity that should be shared out equally, the child has parents who have the right to make their own decisions about what's best for them and their child.

That's not to say you're not being a lovely grandparent, and I'm sure your help is much appreciated, but you're not entitled to sleepovers because you perceive it as 'fair'.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 05/01/2015 12:24

My DC stayed over at my mums as soon as they slept through, but she always helped us with childcare one afternoon a week so they knew her well. My mum has also been very careful about doing things how we want them done, so we have a huge amount of trust.

But the DC have never slept over at PILs because they have never been invited and we didn't feel we could ask as they have never offered any kind of help (live 20 minutes away). They have spent one day with our kids in about 7 years. But still write gushing prose about them in their annual Xmas letter as if they were loving/involved GPs. Sad

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 12:39

She doesn't want to "play mum"- that's an awful thing to say- and I think sums up the bizarre reluctance some people on here have to let their children have close relationships with their grandparents. She wants to be a grandmother! Why on earth does she have to sit back and be grateful for being allowed to be useful?

3bunnies · 05/01/2015 12:41

Does she stay over on her own at the other GP house? If so then maybe you are right to question it but it may just be that it is not the norm in your DIL's family. I never stayed with my GP alone. They all died when I was quite young. All the dc's grandparents are too ill to even babysit now. Under different circumstances I might consider it but it would not be something that would come naturally. My dc started havingsleepoverswith friends around age 7, I was much older before I went on sleepovers. 4.5 would seem young to me, but again that is only because that is what I am used to. I think that you need to discuss with your son if possible what he thinks the reasons might be but don't push it too much it might just be different expectations.

Did your ds go on sleepovers with his GP?

MonstrousRatbag · 05/01/2015 12:43

Maybe it isn't about issues. Maybe your son and DIL just feel you already get plenty of time with your GC, and that as they work they want to keep evenings and weekend as a time for their nuclear family. It might not be a negative thing about you at all.

That is certainly how I would feel. If my parents and PIL had been close enough I would have let my two stay over by age 4, but it would have been rationed. Because by Friday evening after a full week at work, I miss my children so much I just can't tell you.

MonstrousPippin · 05/01/2015 13:02

OP, it sounds like you get on well with your DIL in general and have lots of contact with your GC.

What has your DIL said when you've asked to have GC stay overnight? Perhaps if you can find out what her concerns are, you can work towards reassuring her so that she feels more comfortable to let the GC stay over. There must be reasons why she feels unsure/reluctant.

As other posters have said, it could be all about her own issues where she feels she might miss her child as opposed to any objections towards you. Perhaps you could work together to sort out a way of doing it that will help make it easier e.g. GC phones DIL before bed to say goodnight, you keep her updated about what fun you're having etc. ? After she's got through it once, she might feel happier about future overnight trips.

APipkinOfPepper · 05/01/2015 13:15

Ours haven't ever stayed overnight at grandparents, mainly because DC1 didn't reliably sleep through till after DC2 was born, and it wouldn't be fair on the GPs to expect them to get up in the night. Also, DC1 is not yet happy to consider sleeping elsewhere without me, and DC2 is not yet sleeping through. I would be happy for DC1 to stay with either set of grandparents if they expressed a wish to (DC or GPS).

For us, another consideration is that DM does childcare one day a week. It would feel really cheeky to ask her to have the children overnight on top of this - I feel bad about asking for occasional babysitting at ours!

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 13:21

We still don't know exactly what has been said to the Op about why the children can't stay overnight. Please Op, can you let us know and then maybe we can make some more constructive comments than just giving our own experiences. Grin

Actually I do think Hakluyt that the DIL/DS does sound a bit unreasonable from what the Op has told us on this thread - but there are obviously two sides to every story.

Earsareconstantlyringing · 05/01/2015 13:28

Oh goodness, I would swoon in gratitude if members of our family would offer to ever have our children. I have three - aged 13, 4 and 2.5. My lovely mum has my youngest (aged 2.5) one day a week, and other than that, no one ever has them, even for an hour or two. If we want to go out in the evening, we have to pay for a babysitter which often means it makes more sense to stay in. Neither set of parents has ever invited them for a sleepover (an overnight break would be beyond glorious) and my sister likes to see them now and then but isn't interested in being more hands on, which is fair enough.

What makes it worse for me is that I'm surrounded by friends whose families are desperate to be involved with the little ones, asking if they can take them to play places, parks, farms and so on, and it makes me a little sad that none of our families would ever see that as something lovely to do. Hey ho.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/01/2015 13:42

Hakluyt fair enough, maybe she wasn't asking for opinions after rereading. I actually don't think she's being entirely unreasonable but I think we'd need much more info to make a decision. OP hasn't told us what DIL has said, if her DS is involved, etc etc. I would love to have family near enough and reliable enough to have my DD overnight but as I said, DM takes industrial strength sleeping tablets and DD drinks far far too much to be responsible. I would let her stay at the IL's without hesitation but unfortunately they moved abroad when I was pregnant.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/01/2015 13:49

Ps I stayed at my paternal grandparents every Saturday night from around 4 I think. Never stayed at paternal grandmothers as she worked shifts as a paediatric nurse until I was around 13. Had a fab relationship with both (sadly paternal grandparents now deceased).

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/01/2015 13:49

Urgh I mean never stayed at maternal grandmothers.

Sixgeese · 05/01/2015 13:56

2 weeks old for DS, but then he was bottle fed and I was in hospital hemoraging at the time, he spent the night with DM while DH and I were waiting for my operation to stop the bleeding, he came in to join us afterwards.

It seemed unreasonable to say no after that.

DMIL on the other hand has never offered to have the D.C. overnight and DH doesn't want to ask her if she wants to have them.

CPtart · 05/01/2015 13:59

DS1 was 12 months old, only because we had a planned wedding in London to go to. He is now 12 and never been asked again. DS2 (9) has never slept over. Unfortunately.

mytimewillcome · 05/01/2015 14:02

I would agree it also depends on what the parent is used to. If the parent, in this case the DIL, didn't stay over at grandparents then she wouldn't even think it necessary.

mrsm16 · 05/01/2015 14:22

Ds stayed with mil at around 5 weeks so we could go to my brothers 21st, stayed with my mam a few weeks later. He's 2 now and would stay with mil on the rare occassion we get to go out and my mam every 6 weeks or so as she provides childcare!

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 14:33

"I would agree it also depends on what the parent is used to. If the parent, in this case the DIL, didn't stay over at grandparents then she wouldn't even think it necessary."

But why in those circumstances would she say no if asked? And it's not about necessary! It's about something that would be fun for grandparent and child.

Sallystyle · 05/01/2015 14:51

I forumla fed so didn't have to worry about feeding.. I think most of them slept over at around 6-8 weeks old when I wanted the odd night out and a lie in.

My youngest two were having regular sleep overs about 4 months old.

I loved the break and knew they were in good hands.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/01/2015 15:01

If the DiL doesn't want to, that's kind of the end of the discussion?

Several posts here implying that if PiL look after the child during the day - which is wonderful, who better than family and obviously reflects a great relationship - then the price of that should be overnights whether or not you think it's the right time and are happy with it. Get over it and share your child nicely.

Er, no. And if that care is coming with strings and expectations attached I'd be a bit uncomfortable about it and be looking for nurseries.

The phrasing of as 'not allowed' and 'good enough for day time' and specifying that it's the DiL not your DS suggests OP that you're not a huge fan of your DiL. That's probably not a great starting point for persuading her to do something you want but she clearly doesn't want to do at the moment.

NickyEds · 05/01/2015 15:51

DS slept over at my sister's when he was four months old. He was mix fed so between ebm, formula and pumping we managed and at that point he slept through. It was great and my sister loved it. DS sleeps over around once every 5/6 weeks(he's one). I took care of hers overnight when they were little and it really helped form a wonderful bond with them (still there now they're older teenagers).
It will be a while before he'll stay with my ILs though as they live over a hour away and he simply doesn't really know them.
I can see why you might feels a bit put out that you take care of your GC only when it suits your DS&DIL but I really wouldn't push it. As pp said the addition of strings would have me looking at nurseries too. I also have friends who rely on their parents for daytime childcare and they don't want to put on them further in the evenings/overnight.

Faithless · 05/01/2015 16:11

Occasional sleepovers from about 3 months old for DD due to circumstances and DS was about 6 months, his sister 2 and a half when they stayed over together. My ds is now 15 and still loves to go to stay at his Grandma's to get spoilt.
The more people who love and care for my DCs the better for them as far as I'm concerned.
I hope your GD is "allowed" to come and stay and that you both enjoy your time together.

A relevant aside: I think the nucelar family is overrated and can be insular and stifling. There can be a role for the whole of the extended family in bringing up children.

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 16:15

Jesus. So you would take your child out of the care of a loving grandparent and put her in a nursery if that grandparent had the temerity to ask if the child could stay over night?

People really expect grandparent-bots, don't they? Units that have no wishes or opinions of their own and just wait patiently in a cupboard until required.....

RiverTam · 05/01/2015 16:20

if MIL lived closer then DD would definitely have had a sleepover at hers by now (just turned 5) but as she's at best a 2 hour drive away we haven't done it, the logistics would be a nightmare. But we certainly will in the future, in fact, when she's old enough she'll be spending a week of the summer hols at MIL's and a week at BIL's by the sea Grin.

My mum - well, she's sort of local so no real need, but also I don't think she'd want to (DM, I mean, but I don't think DD would be keen either) and they don't have the closest relationship.

If we were close enough to MIL that she could look after DD then we would for sure, they absolutely adore each other and I would totally trust MIL.

MurderonthetopCs · 05/01/2015 17:05

My granddaughter spent her first solo night with me (Grandma) at 7 months.....

funkyfoam · 05/01/2015 17:27

When my SIl was diagnosed with cancer, her children were three and five. In an intolerable situation it helped that they were used to staying away with family. The fact that they had spent nights away from home also helped when they had to be left( often suddenly) overnight with local friends.I am intensely proud of my nieces who lost their mother 7 years later. They are independent sociable girls. For all those of you saying there no need for your children to stay away, that its unnecessary , that it's not something you do or that you just don't want them to- well we too were shocked and frightened when tragedy and illness dared to affect our family, but it did. I repeat my point made much earlier in the thread that sleeping away from home is a life skill and one that, if your children have the opportunity to practise, can be useful.