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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
slithytove · 10/01/2015 23:13

Forgive me I'm confused, where did your mum stay when she was back?

My parents live abroad and it seems to some that I'm limiting their relationship by not allowing dc to visit alone.

Great that your mum stopped smoking, I'm really hoping pil stop before it becomes an issue, and not just for our sake. I'd like them around a long time.

DH has stopped smoking :)

PrimalLass · 10/01/2015 23:37

In her house slithy. They kept it.

PrimalLass · 10/01/2015 23:38

They were only supposed to be away 3-5 years.

slithytove · 10/01/2015 23:39

Ah see my parents have no home here now

PrimalLass · 10/01/2015 23:58

I wouldn't have sent them on their own.

PrimalLass · 11/01/2015 00:10

That must be hard for you. I hated them being away.

I had some amazing holidays though

slithytove · 11/01/2015 00:55

Same here primal :) nah I'm ok with it, mum is here loads. Sometimes I wish she did live in the same town. then she visits for a fortnight and I wish she would bugger off

I grew up in se Asia and that still feels more like my home country than here even though I was born here

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/01/2015 05:08

My DCs don't sleep over with my PILs, despite PILs looking after them both in the day because I think my DCs would be distressed by it at the moment. My PILs are lovely and my DCs love them. They have spontaneously talked to my PILs (and sometimes to random strangers!) about having a sleepover. But when I talk to them properly about it and walk through what it means they aren't actually keen. The only people I've managed to fob them off onto encourage them to stay with are their cousins, who provide plenty of distraction that even my wonderful PILs can't manage, and even that was not an entire success and they don't want to sleepover again yet.

Some children just aren't happy having some parts of their routine disrupted. And some parents (but not me!) might also have a not entirely rational attachment to aspects of a routine, like always knowing their DCs are tucked up at home at night. Even if they don't have a rational reason for it.

Although I have "denied" my PIL the joys of overnight stays so far (youngest DC is 6), I am desperately hoping this is the year I get to head off for a weekend they feel ready.

diddl · 11/01/2015 08:10

If ever I'm a GM & would like GC to stay over with me, hopefully I'll say to their parents "I'd love to have the kids overnight if ever you'd like that".

And it'll either happen at some point of not.

it will be known that the offer is there if they want to take it up.

And if it never is, no problem, no angst, no wondering why.

It just isn't something that's wanted.

Hakluyt · 11/01/2015 08:36

It's difficult. I like pil a lot, love mil, but even if the distance wasn't what it was, I wouldn't be keen on them babysitting cos of the smoking situation. But I would never say that."

Why on earth not? My pils loved having their grandchildren to stay- we told them that we wouldn't let ours stay overnight in a smoky house, and FIL gave up smoking. Win/win.

slithytove · 11/01/2015 09:06

Because mil cannot/will not give up smoking, DH won't mention it to her, and I'm not going to go against him. if/when it becomes an issue, we will reassess.

Joshuajosephspork · 11/01/2015 09:27

When my two were still very small (2 and 3ish) I was in hospital for several weeks. My husband was working shifts and the children stayed at my parents-in-law's. What was a very stressful time for all of us was made markedly less so by the fact that they were in a familiar safe place where they had stayed several times before.

Hakluyt · 11/01/2015 09:33

See, I don't think that's fair. My pils wqnted their grandchildren to stay, there was a good reason for us to say no- the smoke. If we had just said a flat no, they wouldn't have had the opportunity to make the change that made it OK.

I was amazed that PIL gave up- and delighted. And it meant that my children could share in the fun that their cousins had, and which is the basis of many happy childhood memories for them.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 11/01/2015 09:43

I hate smoking, I am an ex smoker and you don't realise how intrusive it is until your on the other side.

My DM was a heavy smoker...as were siblings....and their DH/DW.

Regularly exposing DC to smoke is one thing IE every single day and if you as a parent smoke, every time you smoke which is several times an hour all day...but GC going to PILS every month or so, or even a few times a week for s short time, isn't going to do much !!!

Not very fair their H but great they gave up.

Wherehasmysleepgone · 11/01/2015 09:46

My ds was 4 months mum was happy to help out and I needed a rest Smile he is 9.5 months now and stays every Monday night as she has him Tuesday's whilst I work! Means I get a nice rest Monday evening every week! Wouldn't have considered him not staying there until he was older, however my dsil won't allow her girls to stay with nanny sadly! But for me and dp it's been a welcome break to see friends go out for dinner or just rest and sleep Wink

slithytove · 11/01/2015 10:10

Maybe the day they ask, the day the kids are old enough (4 hours travel time) we will mention it.

Like I said, it's not an issue yet.

slithytove · 11/01/2015 10:12

but GC going to PILS every month or so, or even a few times a week for s short time, isn't going to do much !!!

Dc can't do the above anyway but since they have asthma and DS was a preemie, can I have dispensation from the occasional smoke filled house?

Starlight9 · 11/01/2015 13:01

: slithytove That's really wonderful that you will not allow your child to have sleepovers with their grandparents but I'm not interested.. There is nothing wrong with my daughter having sleepovers at her Grandparents, why are you lot so defensive?

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 11/01/2015 15:37

I know Star I noticed that too.

If people are so confident and comfortable in what they do then why feel the need to be defensive.

I have said before that giving my DC sleepovers with GPs from 6 months old in my opinion has been one of the wonderful gifts I could have given both my DC and my parents.

Pengyquin · 11/01/2015 15:40

I don't see why some grandparents make such a big deal out of it??

Why is it so important that your grandchildren stay over without their parents? Odd.

FWIW, I doubt mine ever will. We live over 5 hrs away, so we will always be there with our kids.

Wherehasmysleepgone · 11/01/2015 15:54

Why is it odd? I wld be upset if my ds thought it odd when he is old enough to have kids that I wanted to look after them! My parents enjoy looking after him and are happy to give us the break, nothing odd about that!?

drudgetrudy · 11/01/2015 16:01

Okay a grandmother here. If my grandchildren don't want to stay over or their parents don't want them to that's fine.
I'm willing to help out if they do want to stay.
I enjoy having 1 or 2 grandchildren on their own without their parents simply for the reason that I can focus on giving them total 1-1 attention-reading the stories they want, playing the games they choose and chatting about what the child wants to chat about i.e. -letting them take the lead. It is not because I have some weird hidden agenda and wish to undermine the parents-I follow their parent's guidance on food, bedtimes etc.

I hope the kids get something positive from it.
There is some real nastiness on here "Old people who smell funny" "playing mummy"-NO my role is different
"Spending the night with old people for the gratification of the old people is not about the child".
I disagree with grandparents insisting on anything but, God you're nasty.
Hope you don't start smelling too bad too soon!-Tempted to report for ageism.

atotalshambles · 11/01/2015 16:45

I haven't seen anything about 'old people smelling funny' except about grandparents smoking and not wanting to stay over because of that. I have seen some 'playing mummy' talk but there are tons of threads on mumsnet about overbearing grandparents who do seem to want to 'play mummy' and the posters wanting help. In the same way that there are threads from grandparents who have overbearing children who don't let them near their grandchildren.

I'm sure everyone would agree that kind, well-balanced, helpful grandparents are wonderful. Isn't it just that not all grandparents are like that? Not all people are kind and nice and want the best for you. When you become a parent you want to surround your children with positive influences and which in most cases that would involve your family, I am sure in a few cases it may not.

drudgetrudy · 11/01/2015 16:52

"Old people who smell funny" was a direct quote from a post.
I quite agree that people often have good reasons for not wanting children to spend time with particular family members and that is perfectly fair-however the above offensive comments have all been made if you look back through the thread.
Substitute "gay" or "black" people for "old" people and see how offensive they are. Generalisation and stereotyping of the worse kind.

drudgetrudy · 11/01/2015 16:55

Also "WTF would a grandparent want to spend time alone with a grandchild-weird!"

Assuming the worst motives then?