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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 05/01/2015 08:19

I agree it is slightly 'odd' that the children are 'allowed' to spend time with the grandparents whilst the parents are working (is this a way of saving money on childminding - although there is no mention of whether payment is involved?) but not 'allowed' the fun of a sleep over - esp. if the child has been asking to stay over night. Clearly these grandparents can't be horrible people or surely the parents wouldn't leave the children with them in the day time Confused.

It seems (from what we have been told on this thread) that it is OK for the grandparents to provide a 'service' Hmm - but not the 'pleasurable' bits of having the children to stay IYSWIM.

I also agree with a comment further up the thread, having experience of 'sleeping away from home' is a life skill and who knows when there might be a real emergency and the parents have no choice but to leave their children with a grandparent over night?

I spent a lot of time with my grandparent when I was young, in fact I lived with them 3 days/nights a week as my mother was a single parent and it fitted in with her working days better - I had the most wonderful bond with my grandparents.

MrsKoala · 05/01/2015 08:20

My ds's were both 3 months (both same reason - dh xmas do which needed a stay in a hotel). i expressed bm and also took my pump out with me.

I think if you wait till they are old enough to say no then they will be so unused to it and at a developmental stage where they will say no. ds1 is 2.4 now and stays with my mum about 2-3 nights a year. If i asked him if he wanted to go to stay at nana's while mummy and daddy don't, he would say no of course. But he loves it there and cries when we collect him.

Original poster
Zabelithe · 05/01/2015 08:23

Ragwort, rightly or wrongly, that is how we feel, that we are good to provide free childcare for GC when the parents are working but not for sleepovers.

I used to stay with my GF when a child and loved going there.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 05/01/2015 08:23

Your problem is with your DS, not your DIL. In most cases, it is natural to trust your parents more (though even though I don't have a great relationship with my ILs, they are great DGPS!) He has as much say in your grandchild staying as your DIL, so please don't place all the blame at her feet.

notagainffffffffs · 05/01/2015 08:27

Agree its because she would miss her dd over night. I would hate to be apart from dd overnight.
I think you should just focus on enjoying the time you do have rather than getting fixated on having more

mytimewillcome · 05/01/2015 08:27

I think it depends on the parents. There is no 'norm'. And as has been suggested parents who work want their children in the evenings and weekends. Also distance can also be a factor. Whatever the reason if the parent doesn't want it then you are going to have to wait until everyone wants the same thing.

MaryWestmacott · 05/01/2015 08:29

Op, you aren't seeing this from your dil's view at all. Again, can you not imagine having been away from your dcs all day you'd miss them?

Family time is more limited when both parents work (even if one is only part time). It's more precious to give up.

First weekend of the school Christmas holidays, my dc1 had a sleepover at pils house. Mil collected him at 10 on Saturday morning, returning him at lunchtime on Sunday. DH had an hour after breakfast with him on Saturday and the Sunday afternoon, then was back at work on Monday so didn't get much time at all with dc1. It's not something we do regularly, but I can easily see he'd say no if it was a regular thing because DH would miss seeing dc1.

I'm also really surprised at the view that overnight care is classed as more "quality time" and more the "fun part" than a whole day when your dgc is awake...

Original poster
Zabelithe · 05/01/2015 08:32

SpecialAgent, its DIL not son.

OP posts:
PinkSnowAndStars · 05/01/2015 08:33

About 11 months... I work shifts including nights as does my husband. He's now 3 and regularly stays out 1/2 nights a week. However needs must, and in order to get a mortgage for a bigger house and to be able to have another child we need to take both sets of parents up on their free childcare!

MrsKoala · 05/01/2015 08:33

we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

just seen this in the op. So does that mean your ds is not working? Or are they separated and you provide childcare for your dil on her days with them? Is it dil who then wont let the gcs stay over?

Original poster
Zabelithe · 05/01/2015 08:34

Mary dil only works p/t, we have our GC even when dil is not at work.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 05/01/2015 08:35

What do you think the reason is OP? In your case.

What is your sons stance here? Is he not with your GCs mother? Situations like this are all very much down to very individual circs. IMO.

There is no point in looking for an 'average' situation, in the hopes that it gives sway to your argument, and then blaming 'DIL's in general. Every woman with a child is a daughter in law. It's a sweeping statement to brand them generally unfair.

rookiemere · 05/01/2015 08:38

Some parents just aren't that bothered about having a child free night - can't quite understand it myself as even if we just stayed at home, when DS was young I remember that glorious feeling of just having to think about myself for a short window of time and both of us being able to sleep in.

Have you spoken to your DS about it - apologies if you have mentioned this up thread.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 05/01/2015 08:39

I meant that the OP's DS (grandchild's father) has an equal say here so not all blame should be placed on DIL, OP should talk to her son about it.

Sorry I was not clear.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/01/2015 08:39

OP why are you piling all of this onto your DIL? Presumably these children's father is your son. Why aren't you questioning why he wont allow the dc to sleep over? Why is it all DIL?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/01/2015 08:40

Oops xpost

tilliebob · 05/01/2015 08:41

Soon as I stopped breast feeding - just over a year. Then again my parents are less than 2 minutes walk away from me Grin. However my youngest dc has never stayed - combination of my dad being ill and dc3 always wanting to be "in my own house" Grin

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/01/2015 08:43

How do you know it's your DIL, OP? Your son might be telling her one thing (agreeibg with her) and you another (agreeibg with you).

GlitzAndGigglesx · 05/01/2015 08:44

My dd was under 1 when she first stayed. She's been a pretty good sleeper from a few months old and as she is mil'a first GC she was asking to have her. DD is 3 now and stays there for a few nights every couple of months. She loves going and often asks to stay there. They're very close and have the energy for one another Grin

merrymouse · 05/01/2015 08:55

Ragwort, rightly or wrongly, that is how we feel, that we are good to provide free childcare for GC when the parents are working but not for sleepovers.

For all we know there could be a perfectly good reason for this. In the end parents have the final say on what they are comfortable with and what is suitable for their child.

This thread could reach 1000 posts and that would still be the case. There are situations where there is a right or wrong answer e.g. Wearing seat belts, but there is no set age when a child can or should stay away from their parents. It will always depend on the child and the situation. Nobody on this thread is in a position to question your DIL's judgement - we don't have all the relevant information and we are not her child's parent.

Fizzyplonk · 05/01/2015 08:57

My SIL's children regularly (weekly/fortnightly) stay with both sets of their grandparents.
It causes issues as the children go to bed much later so are tired and grumpy the next day when returned. This can impact on school for Monday too.
They also share a bed with grandparents which isn't helpful when they return home.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/01/2015 08:59

DD is nearly 14 months. I wouldn't let her stay with my DM (takes sleeping tablets every night and wouldn't wake up to her) or my DF (drinks too much). I would let her stay with my IL's but they live abroad so it probably won't happen until she's much older. DC2 is due in July and I would rather send her to stay with a friend than my parents when I'm in labour.

Charitybelle · 05/01/2015 08:59

I have two dc - 2yo and 8 weeks, neither have spent a night apart from either me or DH yet, although they are quite young still.
I have no problem with the idea of it in principle, but in reality I don't see the need for it. Agree with pp who said that surely the quality time is during the day when GC are awake? Confused
Sometimes (not always admittedly) I feel like the sleepover at GPs thing is an exercise in control between the adults and not really about the children at all, which is a shame.

DeWee · 05/01/2015 09:01

I think it depends very much on the child, and also how far away you live. Plus a little bit of the confidence that you will, for example, be happy to phone mum if they're getting upset and not settling.

Ragwort it's not necessarily as simple as that. For example at 4yo they frequently woke and would come through to our bed during the night. Our room was opposite his, so he would stagger across the landing holding his toy. Other than Grandma would not have been too impressed by this, my other concern was that the room she would have given them was directly opposite the top of the stairs, so in a half asleep fuddle there would be a good chance he would go directly head over heels downstairs. And no, Grandma would not have put a safetygate up or anything.

For mine: Dd1 stayed over at 5yo, but was not ready at 4yo.
Dd2 stayed over at 4yo.
Ds is 7yo and hasn't stayed over yet. He thinks he might, but not today thank you. He did a sleepover at school last year which was a big step for him. But there's a huge difference between 5 minutes up the road and two hours away.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/01/2015 09:02

Surely you wouldn't be spending any time with GC when she's asleep anyway?!