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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 09/01/2015 00:20

Completely agree with the above. This could easily turn into a battle won and a war lost.

Theboodythatrocked · 09/01/2015 00:32

Never and they are now 24,22,16'14.

Absolutely fantastic inlaws. Who had 5 kids, and my parents never asked.

But not for us.

Will be interesting to see if ours ask us to have theirs overnight. Grin

Can't see why it's such an issue.

mytimewillcome · 09/01/2015 00:36

2rebecca hakluyt has said she is not a GP or a MIL. I actually do not believe her. She is basically a wind up merchant that has been making people angry for 20 pages. I agree with you completely about working parents and I am in a very similar position to you. Hakluyt on the other hand cannot grasp any other point of view other than her own. I've seen her sort once before in my life. It was my ex-mil.

Theboodythatrocked · 09/01/2015 00:53

See I don't get this.

If ours ask us to have future GC overnight, if needed, we would to help out just like we feed the various grand cats Grin but we had ours youngish and have our own busy lives.

Can't in a million years understand volunteering to be awake at 5am to watch ceebeebies. Bollocks to that. Been there.

CheerfulYank · 09/01/2015 03:45

My SIL won't let her DC come to.mine to play after school. I'd love to know why, but she said no and that's that.

Of course she is an extreme control freak :o

Erzsebet · 09/01/2015 05:05

Mine stayed at GP's overnight from months old (my DM mostly). At aunts (my sis from about just over 1 yr) dps sis from about 3yrs. These aunties live at least 150 miles away so they were always weekend stops. In holidays they stayed up to a week and youngest may have been 3ish. My DM took them away for weekends on trips and my DS has taken them abroad Disney&Spain that sort of thing each from about 5/6 yo. They both slept over at their closest school friends from about 8/9 and have been away for holidays with the same best friend families from about 11/12 in uk. We've had the same friends from about 10 come on holiday with us without their parents for a week.

I am not a 'slack mum'. I've never left my DC for even 30 minutes with someone I wouldn't trust them with because anything awful that can happen, can happen at anytime.
Children do benefit from independence from their parents. Social skills, self sufficiency, communication and assertiveness. Flexibility and understanding that not everyone does things the way you do at home or eats the same food, watches the same telly etc is invaluable. What better way to support their development than letting them find their own way in trusted environments.

I was taken seriously and suddenly very ill when youngest was 8. In hospital 20 miles away. 2 DC in schools in different towns. My DP, DM & siblings at my bedside. The DC being picked up/sleeping over at best friends in week/ the aunties at weekends. We were thankful it wasn't a new experience as it would have been additional trauma for them and stress for us during a dreadful time.

2rebecca · 09/01/2015 06:43

I think if you want your kids to stay overnight that's great, but don't think everyone has to do the same thing. My kids are fairly independent from spending time with childminders when young, going between their dad and I since we got divorced and because their dad and I are fairly independent active people.
I think if your parents work and are separated spending time with your parents is more important than spending time with other people. I suspect if we'd had convenient relatives they may have stayed overnight with them but I don't think they missed out because they didn't.
I grew up independent with distant extended family.
I think you just have to accept different people do things differently but that the parents get to decide stuff like this.
Agree with theboodythatrocked about not seeing the attraction of 5am tellytubbies and think spending time with grandkids during the day when you can do fun things like outings and park visits sounds more appealing than overnights. I can see why some grandparents might want overnight stays though even if I'd only do it if asked, but not why they keep pestering once the parents have said they don't want to do it.

PoppyFleur · 09/01/2015 07:06

DS stayed with my DM overnight from 5 mths old. I am very grateful to my mum for her support & DS bond with my mum is so loving, it's very endearing to watch them together, they are practically best friends!

PIL are great with all their grandchildren but have no interest in looking after any of them overnight which I completely respect.

Ragwort · 09/01/2015 07:19

Agree with Erzsebet - those of you who don't want your children to stay overnight with GPs (or anyone else for that matter) - with no genuine reason ie: special needs, serious bed wetting/sleep problems - how on earth do you think your children will cope in a real emergency? I know statistically it is probably not very likely to happen but your or your DH might be rushed into hospital, another child might be hospitalised and you need to be with them or you might have to rush to be with a dying relative? If your child has never slept away from home won't it then be so much worse than the knowledge that they are going to stay with a loving granny/auntie for a few nights? Hmm

I agree with Hakyult's comments, of course it is OK not to want your child to stay overnight with someone, but to allow the same person to provide quite a bit of free childcare and then just give no 'reason' but a blank 'no' to the request for the child to stay over night is rude.

A lot of the people who are saying their children would never stay over night with a GP have parents/in-laws who live miles away - in this particular case the GM lives nearby and the child is already spending a lot of day time with them, all the more reason for having the good manners to give some sort of explanation.

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 07:40

As soon as I had finished breast feeding.
I think those who won't are a bit short sighted- if you were suddenly rushed to hospital with an emergency appendicitis your children would find it hard.
I preferred mine to have a 'home from home' and think a supports network is essential. It all appears to be head in the sand thinking 'it happens to other people and not to me'.

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 07:42

I also think it a shame for the children if they don't get time away from you overnight occasionally.

diddl · 09/01/2015 08:00

If i was suddenly ill, then GPs would have come to us to look after the kids.

they saw my parents every week, ILs not so much, but they weren't strangers such that it would have been terrifying to have been left with them!

"I also think it a shame for the children if they don't get time away from you overnight occasionally."

my kids did/do, just not with GPs!

fasterkillpussycat · 09/01/2015 08:20

During my pregnancy, my mother announced that she would need to purchase a travel cot, which genuinely threw me as I had not thought about my child staying with her without us as a young baby. She also told me that she was going to give up work to look after her grandchild whilst I was at work and that she would do what I wanted most of the time. Whilst I agree that it is important for her to have a relationship with her grandchild, I felt that this was quite full on. Also impractical given that we lived an hour away. Perhaps I and the DIL (and the son) are being overly precious but staying overnight at GP as a baby without parents was not something that I had contemplated. Not to say that it will never happen and certainly not a criticism of those who do it. I appreciate that the OP's grandchild is not a baby now but we dont have the details of what has been discussed. A longwinded way of saying that I can understand a reluctance to have overnight stays. I rather expected to find a full nursery at my mother's house with her waiting for me to drop off her new baby. I am not saying that the OP is the same but sometimes backing off a little and waiting for things to develop by themselves is a better approach than having a big discussion. She might find that her grandchild asks to stay at some point, which would achieve her aim without the need for a potentially awkward discussion.

Hakluyt · 09/01/2015 08:20

"2rebecca hakluyt has said she is not a GP or a MIL. I actually do not believe her. She is basically a wind up merchant that has been making people angry for 20 pages."

I think if my very mild comments are making you angry, then you ought to look to your blood pressure!

I am neither a grandparent nor a mil. However, if I were, the things that people have said about grandparents and MILs on here would have made me very angry, then very sad. They've made me sad enough as it is- I can't imagine how it must feel to discover that there are people who think a simple request to have your grandchild stay overnight is bullying, bossy and wanting to "play mummy".

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 08:27

I think that what goes around comes around and those jealous, controlling, parents will get children who are the same and will cut them out when they are grandparents - or the children get away as soon as possible.

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 08:30

I started with grandparents staying in our house. It was lovely as both sets could just arrive, knew how things worked and we could just go out without issuing instructions. Going to their houses was then just home from home. DS2 had never been in his own without his elder brother and so his huge wish was to stay with granny in his own.

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 08:30

That was when he was 2 yrs- he was desperate to stay on his own!

NotEntirelyWhelmed · 09/01/2015 09:00

Fasterkill my MIL told me she was buying a travel cot for when my first daughter came to stay. I told her that it would be excellent for SIL's baby. And it was. My children never needed it.

sanfairyanne · 09/01/2015 09:02

Mehitabel6, i certainly think there will be a 'family tradition'
which is why it is surprising the op's son does not want his child to sleep at grannys

i suspect either

  • he didnt enjoy his sleelovers
or
  • his mother (the op) didnt allow them
2rebecca · 09/01/2015 09:18

It's not jealous and controlling to want to see your children on an evening and weekend because you work during the day.
If my kids decide when they have kids that they don't want me to have their kids overnight then I will be happy to respect their wishes. I suspect like me they will move for their job and live miles away anyway so when we visit each other we will visit each other as families. I will want to see my kids as much if not more than my grandchildren.
I will still be working for another 15 or so years anyway and hope to still have hobbies so won't be frantically pestering them because I'm at a loose end.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 09/01/2015 09:21

Here here 2Rebecca Grin

mytimewillcome · 09/01/2015 09:24

Hakluyt your comments have not been mild and in fact a number of people have described them as strong. I've seen numerous people also get upset by them but of course people like you are oblivious. I also have seen a number of people say that they despair for your future DIL. You are on the road to not having a good relationship with your DIL and not having your future grandchildren around. I would take
notice of what people are saying because there are a lot of Dils on here and putting your own view ahead of a potential Dils spells disaster for you. Especially as you love having children staying at tir house so much. It's not rocket science.

mytimewillcome · 09/01/2015 09:28

Of course it's not jealous and controlling to want to see your children evenings and weekends! After work and school all week I bet mum, dad and children just want to be together. And that is a great thing to want and do.

Hakluyt · 09/01/2015 09:29

Mytime- please C&P a "strong" comment from me. Or an example of anything upsetting I have said.

ASunnyTiger · 09/01/2015 09:31

My MIL told me when I was pregnant with DC1 that her and SIL had decided she'd be having DC1 to stay overnight once a month. She similarly made comments about how she could give up her job and all of us pay her to look after our children (she has 4 GC in total, 2 of which are mine). That would be very convenient for her but I actually wanted to raise my kids myself, I switched to nights specifically so I could be there in the day to look after my children. I definitely had no intention of paying her to do it. Some GPs are more than a bit full on.

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