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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
ASunnyTiger · 08/01/2015 22:32

I'm genuinely quite stunned that you'd bet that Hak, why do you think the DIL would hide it from the DS? It seems quite presumptuous and derogatory toward the DIL to make an assumption like that when there really hasn't been anything said to support it. I mentioned how my in-laws blame me for everything DH says or does that they don't like, well they'd make exactly that sort of assumption too. The reality is I discuss most things with DH, I quite like to talk to him as it happens and try to involve him as much as possible for any decisions we need to make (sometimes against his will). Even if I made what I considered quite a benign decision about something I'd still be quite likely to mention it - we talk, I actually quite like to discuss things with my husband. I don't think I'm peculiar in this, don't most people in a relationship discuss things with one another? This isn't the picture my in-laws would paint though. Everything is down to me (except the good stuff obviously, that's DH...). If DH says no to something it's because of me, if DH declines an invitation somewhere it's because I wouldn't let him out. It goes on and on, some people just treat their relatives partner as a scape goat and it's really destructive. There have been times when something DH has said has been turned into 'something Sunny said,' made all the more ridiculous because they were speaking to DH on the phone at the time and presumably know his voice!

I really can't see how a presumption that the DIL was keeping the decision from the DS can be justified based on what we know. I also don't think just assuming that it was the DIL's decision alone is justified either. In fact I think both are quite horrible, there really is.no need for it.

WyrdByrd · 08/01/2015 22:34

DD had her first overnighter with my parents at 5 weeks, 5 days (it was DH's birthday and the '6 weeks' was up Grin)!

It was a fair bit longer before she stayed with the IL's but around the age of 1 IIRC.

Tbh I'm generally happier with her staying at my parent's, but that is more about personality than simply the fact they are my IL's. MIL is quite old-fashioned/strict about certain things (although she's mellowed over the years) which I feel makes DD a bit less comfortable round there, although now she's older (10) that's much less of an issue.

I find it a bit hard to gauge 'normal' too as far as this is concerned as my grans were quite elderly, not local & both died by the time I was 7 so I never had solo sleepovers with them and have no frame of reference.

I do wonder if in your situation your DIL is maybe not as happy as she appears to be about working & therefore is a bit protective of the time she does have with her DC's. I know there have been times when both sets of DD's GPs have put on the pressure to have her at weekends and it's made me very cross & resentful as we don't get that much family time during the week.

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 22:37

Distinct feeling of déjà vu here. Weren't you flogging the same point a few pages back hakluyt? And didn't we come to the conclusion that you have 'issues' with rudeness?

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 22:39

We've mentioned working parents and family time but apparently time with grandparents is more important.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 22:41

No from DIL = exceptionally rude
No from Son = perfectly acceptable
Yes from both = overexcited granny time

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 22:42

It's the classic matriarchal battleground where granny is ousted by DIL and granny can't bear it

RigglinJigglin · 08/01/2015 22:48

I'm with NotEntirely on this one.

MIL asked to have DD, I said 'no thanks'. Offered no explanation and that's the end of it, and did exactly the same to DM when she asked.

DD is at nursery as I work FT so does DH, we have limited time with DD - sobas far as I'm concerned it's all ours. I don't give a fuck if that makes me selfish / possessive or any of the other tripe I've just had the misfortune to trawl through.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 22:52

Nope. No with no explanation exceptionally rude from anyone- unless the grandparent concerned is not capable/suitable/safe.

What would you do if you and/or your partner were ill and couldn't look after your children for a while? Or if one of your childre was in hospital? Might you then regret telling the "village" to fuck off?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 22:55

Well Hak for those of us with no family or in laws that behave like chocolate teapots or living thousands of miles away, what you do in these situations is just plain old cope

Some people don't need a village to run their life for then or to enable their survival, some people just get on with it

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 22:58

I would personally find your type of grand parenting overbearing, into world no means no, you can dress it up or you can dress it down, it still means the same thing... And your the type that won't let it lie, like you said about pestering your friend about her bed wetting son after she said no to you

Now that to be is exceptionally rude, badgering someone into an uncomfortable corner

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 22:58

To me*

RigglinJigglin · 08/01/2015 23:00

I don't really care if it's perceived as rude, it's still a no.

I find the village mentality attitude to raising children oppressive and interfering. Differnt strokes for different folks and all that.

NotEntirelyWhelmed · 08/01/2015 23:05

Grandparents nagging is rude. Grandparents expecting to have tiny babies overnight is bizarre.

IMO grasping grannies are the reason so many breastfeeding relationships die before their times. "Are you sure she's getting enough?" "You look exhausted. Why don't you give him a bottle and leave him with me?" It all translates to: I lack boundaries and have the urge to revisit my baby days.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 23:07

Notentirely - and there's the crux of it!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 23:13

I keep hearing this over and over in my head...

It takes a village to raise an idiot

That's not how it goes is it?!

ASunnyTiger · 08/01/2015 23:20

I was raised on an isolated island, with trips to the mainland every few years. My daughter is only 2.6 and already seen her GPS more than I have in my entire life. MN is the first place I've come across that claims child raising is a collaborative effort between multiple factions of the extended family. I find this sentiment really weird.

ASunnyTiger · 08/01/2015 23:23

Darn, posted too soon!

Anyway, if people want to raise their children in the "village" of their extended family that's up to them. Whilst I try to nurture a relationship between my DC and their extended family it feels very clear to me that DH and I are the ones raising them, not any one else.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 23:27

"And your the type that won't let it lie, like you said about pestering your friend about her bed wetting son after she said no to you"

You are, actually, making that up! I said that if somebody gave the reason that their child couldn't come on a sleepover was that they sometimes wet the bed, I would make sure that they knew I was happy to deal with that, so that if the child wanted to come they still could. No pestering involved.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 23:28

"Grandparents nagging is rude. Grandparents expecting to have tiny babies overnight is bizarre."

Agreed.

StrawberryMouse · 08/01/2015 23:33

A few months old I think. Both sets of parents live very close to us now and are very hands on and involved with both our dc. I like it. Lots wouldnt.

slithytove · 08/01/2015 23:51

I do think if someone says 'no because of xyz', and someone then finds a way round that xyz, it puts the first person in a difficult position having to say no again.

Hakluyt · 09/01/2015 00:07

Only if it's a fake reason! Which means, if you're going to make up a fake reason, make sure it's an insurmountable one!

DixieNormas · 09/01/2015 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 09/01/2015 00:16

No, even if it's a real reason. E.g. I might be happy to say that DS wets the bed, but not that he gets upset about it. To have to say no again or to explain that would be difficult for me.

Saying no once is hard enough, to say it again is so so hard.

2rebecca · 09/01/2015 00:17

Why should your reason have to be unsurmountable though? If you ask me if I want to do something and I say no why isn't no enough? Especially if I give a reason and you start "yes but"ing it like you did with the mum forced to tell you about her child's bedwetting.
I agree with others who've said that if you're close to someone then you'll probably know them well enough to understand their reasons anyway. The reasons for not wanting a young child to stay overnight away from home can be thought up by anyone with a bit of empathy and imagination. It really isn't difficult.
Concentrate on enjoying time you have with the grandchildren and keeping a good relationship with the child's parents and you'll have a good relationship with them long term. This is much more important than trying to win a power battle over overnight stays with working parents who want to spend time with their child.