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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
Groovee · 08/01/2015 10:37

Dd was 8 weeks old and I was really unwell and was worried about passing it on. Ds was 4 weeks old. We had a night out planned and dd was with him, I'd planned to go for a couple of hours, but MIL said she would have him over night.

She regularly had Ds as he always slept through for her but not for us.

BsshBosh · 08/01/2015 10:44

MIL has looked after DD three times over 5-10 days in our house whilst DH and I went abroad; since DD was 10 months old. Then DD started staying over at MIL's house (4 hours away) during half terms since she was 5yo. They have a terrific relationship; DD has always settled well with MIL since birth really (MIL was always able to settle her to sleep, no problems).

I miss DD when she's at MIL's but DD has such a fantastic time there(and loads of new experiences) that we let her go there regularly.

NotEntirelyWhelmed · 08/01/2015 10:46

If my PIL asked why my children aren't allowed to stay at their place, I would point out that they lie to the children and promise them things that they will never fulfil, like trips to Disneyland. My children need to spend time with people who tell them the truth as a bare minimum.

Also they are stupid, FIL is seledom sober and MIL is a stupid bitch.

OTOH I never ask for or accept babysitting or any other assistance from them so I'm not a hypocrite.

I tend to think grandparents are a bit overrated TBH.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:07

"If my PIL asked why my children aren't allowed to stay at their place, I would point out that they lie to the children and promise them things that they will never fulfil, like trips to Disneyland. My children need to spend time with people who tell them the truth as a bare minimum. "

Absolutely. Excellent reason. Of course you wouldn't want your children to spend any time with people who regularly lie to them.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 08/01/2015 11:16

It's hard though, as I said mum takes strong sleeping tablets. In her mind this wouldn't be a reason for her not to have DD overnight (I think she was taking them when I was a baby too). If I was to give that as a reason it would cause massive issues, my mother is very oversensitive and an absolute drama queen, if she perceives she has been criticised in any way she will go off the radar for weeks and tell everyone how hard done by she is and that no one loves her. It's not worth the hassle. So if she was to ask to have DD overnight I would probably be pretty non committal and say something like 'not this weekend she's not sleeping well' or 'she wakes up in the night so it wouldn't be fair on you'. In fact I have used those excuses. I'm sure she thinks I'm being very unreasonable.

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 11:21

The parents want to see their child at weekends because they don't see her enough during the week. Is that not a good enough reason??

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:27

Nobody said it was the weekend. And I would have thought they could spare the child for the occasional night!

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:29

Gotobe- I would just tell her. Might be the incentive she needs to get off them. Worked with my FIL and cigarettes......

atotalshambles · 08/01/2015 11:31

Hi hakluyt. Are you a granny? Do you have sleepovers with your gc? You seem to have strong views on the subject!!!

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 11:32

Well maybe they want to see her at the end of the day for a couple of hours after she has been with MIL for the whole day? I know that after a long day at work all I want to do is see my children.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:41

No, not a granny and I hope not to be one for ages. Just someone who believes it's important for children to have strong relationships with suitable other adults. I don't think my children are my personal property, and I also don't think that them having fun with other people or other people having fun with them in any way diminishes my relationship with them.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 11:41

Spare her?!

She's a child

Honestly, never heard such selfishness in my life

Did you spare your children when they were little, did you spare them? You may well have done, but they were your children so your choice

Definitely glad I don't have to contend with you bossing and begging for a second chance to (s)mother my children

And why is it sooo important, they will be sleeping, be honest, it's so you can do all the things the parents have said no to, and probably for good reason

Get a hobby for gawds sake rather than wasting your time wanting to watch a sleeping child

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:44

Where on earth did bossing and begging and smothering come from? How very bizarre!

momb · 08/01/2015 11:46

I'm going to admit to only reading to p9.

My DCs do stay over at exPIL, their grandparents because I go to great lengths to facilitate this. It isn't easy or fun for my YD though: we of course can't say anything to offend GPs but there is something in the bedroom (I suspect mould) that exacerbates YDs asthma so she sleeps really badly there. exFIL is deaf and ex military and my girls perceive that he is shouting at exMIL which scares them/makes them uncomfortable.

If I wasn't divorced from their son and this was the only way for them to have a relationship (ie we saw them otherwise) there would be no way that my dds would stay there, in spite of them being lovely people. Daytimes less of an issue because going home at the end of the day is like a release valve. If they smoked or had a cat then there would be no sleepovers and the relationship would end to all intents and purposes.
It may be nothing to do with you as a person OP, and something in the environment, or something that your GC doesn't talk to you about but tells their Mum. Up-thread someone said that their DC said yes to GPs and came home every time saying no. This may be a similar situation. You say that you have spoken to your DC, have you spoken to DIL face to face about it rather than using GC as an intermediary?

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 11:48

The GC sees her GP several times a week while the parents are working. She has a relationship with her GPs and whole days to have fun. No one is stopping that. I think the Mil is lucky to see her as much as she does.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:49

Because bath and bed time and stories is fun. Because having breakfast together is fun.

Because staying with grandma often features in people's happy memories. If the children don't enjoy it, then don't do it. But if they do, why wouldn't you?

Alibalibumblebee · 08/01/2015 11:53

My grandchildren all came home to my house with their mum from the hospital so they could all be looked after and when they all went home I would have the babies from a very very young age either at my house or their own home so mum could get a rest. I dont think we've ever not done sleepovers if a sleepover is a wee one staying the night at nanas.

We kind of share all the children anyway as a family but they know for sure who their parents are.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 11:53

Yes bathtime and bedtime is fun

That's probably why her working parents like to do it

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 11:54

Grandparents are not lucky to have a relationship with their grandchildren! It's how families are supposed to work- and it's sad and unlucky if they don't.

But that does rather sum it up. The MIL is lucky to be allowed to provide free childcare, and should do that, then go back in her box until required again.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 11:56

Well if she does offer she shouldn't play the martyr

She can always withdraw it if it's a bother

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 11:59

And some families don't operate in each other's pockets

Perhaps her dil for one doesn't operate like that, and that's not abnormal either, that's just another type of family

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 11:59

She is lucky! Especially as she is going to question the decision of the child's parents. I wonder how much longer it will continue if she does have a sit down conversation with her DIL? She will then realise she should have been happy with the status quo.

DixieNormas · 08/01/2015 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladybird20 · 08/01/2015 12:07

My DM has had both of mine over night from about 6 weeks old. I trust my DM 100%, she knows their routines etc.
DMIL had DD for a sleep over once when she was about 6 months but she cried most of the night and never done it since. TBH I don't really feel comfortable with MIL having my DC, she ignores my requests or wishes and seems to think that she knows best about everything. I no longer use her for childcare and she makes very little effort to see us or DC, only sees us if we go to her. A bit annoying really.

catsrus · 08/01/2015 12:09

I can't believe how possessive some people are of their children - we don't own them. I think my job as a parent is to help my children move to full adult independence - the occasional night away from home can be part of that process. Of course you wouldn't let your children stay with people who are likely to do them harm, or not care for them properly, or people they did not know well or like. That is not the case here as the GPs have the child during the day.

As a child I only ever stayed overnight a couple of times with anyone other than my parents - and it was with my paternal GM who I adored. My own children had sleepovers with friends as well as staying with the PIL. Sometimes my youngest had to be collected early from friends as she could get anxious - but we fully supported her whenever she wanted to have another go at it. She is now at Uni, very happy, after a gap year travelling and is full of confidence.

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