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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
Grittzio · 07/01/2015 19:22

Never happens, never offered, only live 5 mins away, excuse is they don't have room, they have a spare room! they are really good in other ways though and pick up from school once a week and they have GC every Monday in hols but Mondays is an early start for our household! In the hols it would be so nice if they slept over on a Sunday eve but don't feel I can ask as they do enough in my book.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 07/01/2015 20:21

Hakyult - I think the difference between being grandma and playing mummy is plain old grandma is happy not to overstep the mark or manipulate to get her own way, granny playing mummy is on a mission to get her second coming at the cost if the relationship with her son and dil

CheerfulYank · 07/01/2015 20:43

Granny I'm sure they don't.

I love my MIL and tell anyone that if it comes up.

She is a very reserved woman and when DH and I were dating I was, tbh, a bit frightened of her. She isn't the "warm" type. However, I came to appreciate this so much when I had the DC. She adores them and but never gives unsolicited advice, never. It's just not her. Whereas my mum is...less reserved, shall we say, and has an opinion about everything to do with my kids, and is more than happy to share it with me.

MIL lives in the same town as me and has DS on Wednesdays after religion class (along with his two cousins). She loves that, loves making dinner for a crowd again etc.

She's never been anything but kind to my kids and she's great. We're not "friends" but I love her and we get on well.

merrymouse · 08/01/2015 05:15

I would describe 'playing mummy'as

  • ignoring the wishes of parents
  • prioritising your relationship with your biddable, cute young grandchild over your relationship with your own adult child, particularly when that relationship needs work.
  • treating a child as a doll rather than a complex human being.

I am not saying this had anything to do with the OP or that most grandparents do this or that it has anything to do with most GP 'sleepovers'.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 06:50

"I would describe 'playing mummy'as

  • ignoring the wishes of parents
  • prioritising your relationship with your biddable, cute young grandchild over your relationship with your own adult child, particularly when that relationship needs work.
  • treating a child as a doll rather than a complex human being."

Yes, well, all those would be bad things to do. Not sure how wanting your grandchildren to stay overnight with you occasionally qualifies. On Mumsnet "playing mummy" seems to mean "having fun with your grandchildren"

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 08:13

It does qualify if it's against the parents wishes!!!

embracethemuffintop · 08/01/2015 08:22

Mine have never stayed at GP's house. DCs are 4, 6, 13 and 14. DD 14 has a very very close friend who lives around the corner and she stays the night occasionally. DS 13 went to a sleepover at a friends once and we had to come collect him at 10 as he wanted to come home. He has never done it again - doesn't want to. Didn't realise it was such a common thing for kids to stay out overnight all the time.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 08:32

But some people on here have said that's the only reason for a grandparent wanting a grandchild to stay the night. And that a grandparent would be unreasonable not to just accept a "no" with no explanation.

Of course parents have the ultimate yay or nay. And there are lots of good reasons not to allow sleepovers. But they are being unreasonable and unfair if they deny something that both grandparent and grandchild would enjoy for some of the reasons- or non reasons stated on here. Such as "well, I never did this, so my child isn't going to either" or even, as somebody said, because they were jealous of the relationship with grandparents. Children wren't possessions- as someone said, they are complex human beings who need lots of loving relationships. Just because you don't particularly get on with somebody doesn't mean your child shouldn't/wouldn't.

ASunnyTiger · 08/01/2015 08:33

Never with GPS, but DD did stay overnight at my sister's whilst we were having DS. She was 2.3 at the time.

I never stayed overnight at my GPGPS and tbh don't really see the need. I'm not opposed to my mum or even my FIL having the DC overnight at some point, though do feel they're to young for that just yet. I never want them to stay overnight at MIL's though, she's an emotionally abusive alcoholic who thinks it's fine to discipline young children by hitting and threatening them. No way is she being left alone with my DC!

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 09:16

Hakuyt, why do GPs want to spend time with their GCs without their own children there? Surely they can still spend time with them even with the GPs own children there or is it because your own children no longer need a mummy so they cease to be of any interest to you? In that sense then there is a case for a MIL playing mummy to the GC isn't there? The people who have 'allowed' their children to stay overnight with GPs have wanted to do so. The OPs DIL does not want to. That is the big difference here. I suspect that you are on here because you have major DIL issues and it's no wonder really is it?

2rebecca · 08/01/2015 09:25

Our kids rarely stayed at gps without us. They live at least a couple of hours away so if we visited a parent would be visiting too. Same when my ex and I were young. We had distant gps too. I was surprised on mumsnet by how much time some kids spend with gps. As a working mum and divorced mum I wouldn't have wanted to see less of my kids so am glad there wasn't another adult fighting for contact

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 09:34

I'm sorry but no same human would send off a very young child to stay with someone they don't get on with for the sake of a grand parenting whim

Have you heard yourself?!

Would you go and stay at someone's house overnight, that someone being someone you don't get on with?

No

And also a 3 year old doesn't know what it wants in terms of sleeping arrangements!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 09:36

Only on Mumsnet!!

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 09:41

And it is fighting for contact isn't it? The OP already has the GC several times a week and now wants weekends as well.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 09:46

Jesus wept!

The occasional night with grandma- "fighting for contact"????

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 09:50

The mother doesn't want it! Yes Jesus did weep. It's grandparents rights gone mad!

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 09:54

You are purposely looking away from the real issues here which are that the parents don't want it and the grandparents see the child plenty.

2rebecca · 08/01/2015 09:59

If the gp has the kids during the week because the parents are working then maybe the parents want to spend time with their kids at the weekend and on the evenings.
When I'm a grandparent if my kids live near by then I will offer to have the kids whenever its convenient but I won't be pushing to have them overnight or so many days a week. I expect to be still working for a while yet anyway.
When my kids were young 3 of the 4 grandparents were still working full time, I'm amazed at all these grandparents with so much time on their hands.
My kids do go away for weekends or weeks with their grandparents without us now they are older but when they were little it was never a sensible option to have them spending nights away from their parents. We wanted to see them.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 10:00

No, the real issue is that anyone thinks it's OK to say "No, end of" to a perfectly reasonable, normal request made by anyone. Obviously if there are real problems you say no. But if you trust someone to look after your child during the day, and if your child wants to stay over night, then I just can't see why you would say no. And certainly not because it wasn't something you did as a child........

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 10:05

I bet they weren't so rude! The OP has given very little detail of what was said. A parent's word is the last word and you can argue till you are blue in the face about it. All it's going to do is make them dig their heels in more. Good luck with your DIL Hakuyt. You are going to need it.

Kittymum03 · 08/01/2015 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flomple · 08/01/2015 10:21

Imagine this: parents ask GPs to babysit. GP decline. Parents come on MN to rant because they feel that GPs should babysit their children unless they can fully justify their refusal with a convincing excuse reason.

What would the reaction on here be? Screams of "entitled"! Hakluyt would you side with the parents in that case?

I think sometimes there are double standards and grandparents struggle to move on to an adult-adult relationship in which they give as much respect as they get.

Flomple · 08/01/2015 10:22

Sorry last sentence was garbled. I meant with their adult children.

2rebecca · 08/01/2015 10:30

To me the reason why a parent wouldn't want a young child to stay away from home is obvious, they enjoy being with the child and the child is in a routine and happy. Plus if the child stayed elsewhere there would be packing etc.
I don't see what giving a reason would add to the situation as the reasons you wouldn't want to do it are so obvious.
Some people just see reasons as things they can then try and argue round with a "yes but" approach.

diddl · 08/01/2015 10:32

"No, the real issue is that anyone thinks it's OK to say "No, end of" to a perfectly reasonable, normal request made by anyone."

When my kids were younger & I was making the decisions, I said no to what I wanted to say no to!