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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
Ridingthestorm · 08/01/2015 12:13

From 7 weeks old with me (DM lives 120 miles away) and from the age of 2 he has stayed for two nights on his own. Although I have to sneak away when he is napping because he is a limpet (can't go to the loo in peace and he is three).
He was 10 months when I left him with a friend but that was at home and for one night only.
I have no issues my DM looking after him. Even said if she and dad want to take him on a mini break they can do (although they are divorcing now so unlikely). DS has a wonderful relationship with DM and actually pleases me that they do.

Kittymum03 · 08/01/2015 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 13:02

"I can't believe how possessive some people are of their children - we don't own them"

I know, it's bizarre. I "borrowed" my friend's younger children so I could go and see Paddington- was that "playing mummy"?

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 13:06

Did you have them overnight hakluyt?

Jayne35 · 08/01/2015 13:09

My DD was 2 weeks old the first time she stayed at my parents. Tried similar with DS but he was a clingy mummy's boy so didn't really stay out overnight at all (If we were going out my MIL used to babysit at our house). Depends on the child really, and how you feel about it. I was confident my DM could look after DCs as I would.

DD and DM have a close relationship now and DD (now 18) still stays there occasionally - even though it's a 2 minute walk from our home.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 13:14

Yep. They made a den with my teenagers and slept in it. Then we all had bacon, pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast. Then they helped dd feed the horses and I took them home. So shoot me for a bossy, begging smotherer.......

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 13:20

Oh aren't you amazing

Kittymum03 · 08/01/2015 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 13:27

Well your friend was happy to let you have them. If she wasn't would you have had a 'talk' with her?

Flomple · 08/01/2015 13:31

But you didn't insist on having them did you? (Or maybe you did!)

If you insisted, or you badgered her on and on until she finallycrcked, yes that would be bossy or begging, no?

Flomple · 08/01/2015 13:32

*finally cracked

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 13:34

"Oh, aren't you amazing"

Nope. Just a person who thinks it's normal to have fun with other people's children.

And I don't think my friend was particularly happy or unhappy to "let me have them". I suggested it, she said hang on, I'll ask them, they said yes, so off we went.

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 13:35

"
If you insisted, or you badgered her on and on until she finallycrcked, yes that would be bossy or begging, no?"

Yes of course it would. At what point has anyone said thwt would be an acceptable thing to do?

gobbynorthernbird · 08/01/2015 13:45

Hak, and if your friend told you no? OP has been told no, but thinks it needs further discussion.

From what I can tell from the OP, there has been a reason given for the DGC to not sleep over (otherwise why ask about age?). Personally, my DC stayed at DGP much earlier, but this isn't my child or my decision to make.
Not being old enough can be shorthand for all kind of things, and the parents should be respected on this.

*Parents plural. Unless, as OP has declined to answer re her son, the DIL is a single parent for whatever reason.

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 13:48

Yes that's fine and are you saying if someone disagrees with you they aren't normal? People are allowed a difference of opinion.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2015 13:52

But you are facilitating the op badgering by bending over backwards to say it's normal

It's normal for you, it's not normal for her dil

And as one adult to another the word no should be enough

Hakluyt · 08/01/2015 14:00

If I had been told no with no explanation I would have been hurt and worried that I had done something that made my friend not trust me. But I don't actually believe anyone except on Mumsnet would do that because I don't think people that rude actually exist. If she had said no with a reason that iwasn't an issue for me, like bed wetting or something, I might have said "oh, if she doesn't mind neither do I, we still have waterproof sheets" or something like that, just show that if she was saying no because she thought it'd be too much trouble for me then she needn't worry. But obviously no more than that.

But if she had said the Mumsnet "no" as a complete sentence, I woild have had to ask her about it at some later date, because we're good friends, and I wou,d want to be sure i hadn't done something to upset her. Because I can't imagine any other reason for her being so rude.

diddl · 08/01/2015 14:06

"oh, if she doesn't mind neither do I,"

Which is often why people just say no, because any reason is fobbed off!

AmberLav · 08/01/2015 14:09

DS stayed over at GPs at 17 months, and has stayed over at my sister's since 3 years. He's a good sleeper, so never been worried... But I grew up going to relative's and friends regularly, and I always had a great time...

Ladybird20 · 08/01/2015 14:09

I don't see what relevance hak borrowing her friend's kids has?
It's an individual's or couple's choice as to where their child(ren) sleeps. If they are happy with them staying with that person and the child is safe then great. But if a parent, for whatever reason, doesn't want their child to sleep somewhere then it doesn't happen and that decision needs to be respected.

As parents we don't own them, but we are the ones who have the right to make a final decision (with the other parent), and our decisions should not be challenged.

Grandparents have a right to a relationship with their grandchildren but they don't have an automatic right to sleepovers.
Eg my PIL's smoke in the house, they think by opening the windows to let it out 10 mins before we arrive it makes it all ok.
It doesn't, it stinks. You come away stinking, as soon as I get home I get DC clothes changed.
I don't like that she feeds DC food that I wouldn't give to my dog.
I don't actually think that anything is going to happen to dc but I don't want them staying there.
But I don't want to offend by explaining my reasons.

mytimewillcome · 08/01/2015 14:14

Why is it being rude to say that they don't want their child staying with you? Just because you ask doesn't automatically mean you will get a yes!

CrapBag · 08/01/2015 14:16

My oldest stayed with my GPs when he was 2 and a half because me and DH went to see my brother pass out of the army and it was some distance. After that they had him now and again which the both enjoy.

DD was 3 when she started going there but they take in turns and it's not too often.

I admit now they are getting older and at school or about to start I am reluctant for them to spend weekends away from me as I feel we don't get quality family time as it is. I am happy for them to go to my GPs though as they are getting on and won't be around for ever plus they have a great relationship with my children.

MIL, no they don't stay with her and never have. She has never offered. She used to have DS for few hours occasionally but when I was pregnant with DD, she was continuously told to stop rubbing my belly as I didn't like it. Finally I had to firm say "stop I don't like it" and she never had DS again and never offered for DD. She doesn't like being told something that doesn't suit her which is why I think she stopped. When she does visit she barely pays the children any attention, she'd rather talk to the adults and have the children playing near but not interfering in her conversation. Someone like that is not going to spend more time with my children. Although she is retiring soon and made a comment recently which has got me thinking she may try to (she only works 15 hours a week and always has done but the way she talks about work you would think she does a 60 hour week every week).

Sorry OP but any DILs do see their inlaws differently, whether people like it or not. I'don't guess that could be what is going on here or they may not be good sleepers or your DIL may have anxiety a day not want her children away overnight. You just don't know but you have to respect her wishes and decision.

awfulomission · 08/01/2015 14:24

DILs may see their ILs differently but I don't think the DCs discriminate. My two see more of my DM but are far happier to go for a sleepover at DMIL's. It may have something to do with the fact she has Sky.

I couldn't wait for mine to spend the night away. Don't get me wrong, it was a bit of a heartache once they were gone and I did really miss them but I knew they were having a good time and I could get on with what I needed to do.

There's nowt you can do about it OP. Just enjoy the time you have with them!

slithytove · 08/01/2015 14:52

"Would the kids like to stay over"

"No thanks" (thinking, DS is a bed wetter and gets very upset and embarrassed and needs me)

--------

"Would the kids like to stay over"

"No thanks, ds is a bed wetter"

"Oh if he doesn't mind neither do I, we still have waterproof sheets"

... (Crap, I don't want to have to say no again, but ds gets so upset, why didn't I just say no in the first place)

.......................................................

First is far far easier.

slithytove · 08/01/2015 14:56

And I really, really like my inlaws. But they smoke loads and it's only controlled when I stay there.

I just don't trust that if the kids were there a week, that they would be able to stop smoking. And I don't know how mil would facilitate watching kids and smoking outside safely/washing up after. House isn't childproofed (which I'm fine with) meaning they can't be left alone as they can at my house.

And the smoking is a huge issue, both kids have asthma, ds was prem and dd has just had severe bronchilitis and we don't know if it has done any damage yet.