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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
Summeblaze · 06/01/2015 15:48

From about 2-3 months for all 3 of mine. They never got a chance to find it "different" so grandma or grandad were just as good as mum and dad when I wasn't there.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/01/2015 15:54

Hakluyt if you read other Mil/Dil type posts you will see that just about every response is trying to get the DH/son to negotiate with his parents instead of it being down to the DIL. Mil/Dil conflict often stems from the fact that the DH/son just can't be bothered to get involved so Dil gets it in the neck.

And I am another mother who does not feel obliged to explain my decisions to the kids, GPs or anyone else. I don't see why I have to spend my life justifying my decisions/choices to other people. Life is too short. The kids are my responsibility alone, not the GPs. The buck stops with me and that's fine.

Hakluyt · 06/01/2015 18:22

Mil "Mary, I was wondering if Magenta could come and spend the night with us on Thursday. She's with us on Friday afternoon anyway. I thought we might go out for breakfast on Friday and I'll bring her home on Friday lunchtime"

Mary "No"

Mil "oh, are you busy? Maybe next week?"

Mary "No. End of."

On what planet is that an acceptable conversation?

atotalshambles · 06/01/2015 18:51

Or

MIL: Mary, I was wondering if Magenta would like to spend the night with us etc..

Mary: MIL, that's really kind but I don't feel comfortable letting Magenta have sleepovers at the moment but it's really kind of you to offer and I'll let you know/if when the situation changes.

Some parents are happy with sleepovers from a young age/others not for various reasons - both are equally valid opinions !!. Not totally sure what the problem is ??

mytimewillcome · 06/01/2015 18:58

Hakluyt the parents don't want their child to stay the night with the op. The most obvious reason is that they value their family time at weekends as they are working parents. Yes they should have explained their reasons but they didn't. Ultimately they said no and the grandparent has to accept it. The child is too young to make decisions for herself. That's what her parents are there for. There are two parents (not three) and it looks like they agree. Not a lot she can do really. She can sit down and talk to them but it is almost definitely going to go against her because she is questioning their decision. As said before there are lots of different parents some let their children stay at a very young age; others don't let them at all. Different strokes for different folks.

Hakluyt · 06/01/2015 19:02

That would be fine, atotalshamles. This thread has been about, among other things, that the parents don't have to explain themselves in any way or say more than "No" and the grandmother has no reason to expect anything else. And is being unreasonable to expect any sort of explanation.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 06/01/2015 19:04

Never and never will because it's not a necessity nor something I ever did as a child, it's become the fashion hasn't it

And in answer to those who say how do you have a second, how do you cope with the birth and childcare... You do what millions of women before you did, birth alone, it won't kill you, it's actually quite an experience

Hakluyt · 06/01/2015 19:07

As a side question, why do people not allow their children to go on sleepovers? Assuming child wants to, no bed wetting or sleeping issues, no worries about the people they are staying with and so on? What do people see as the problem?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 06/01/2015 19:08

No problem no necessity

What's to gain from it, personally my children don't feel they are missing out on sleeping in someone's spare room in a strange house, when they have a perfectly good bed at home

Just so granny can play at mummy

Hakluyt · 06/01/2015 19:09

Why not, Iamusually? Don't your children ever do anything you didn't do? Or things which aren't necessary- just fun?

Hakluyt · 06/01/2015 19:10

But isn't the granny being a granny, rather than "playing at being mummy?" (That really is a horrid thing to say, by the way. And you could say it about anything- pushing on the swings, reading stories........)

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 06/01/2015 19:11

Hak of course that's not the conversation. We'd politely dermur and give some nice politely vague reason.

I think (although I may be wrong) that this hasn't been enough for the OP (or you). The OP wants to sit down and have an in depth conversation about why not, having the parents justify their reasons. That is a conversation I wouldn't recommend as it may not end well.

BTW OP I wasn't clear if you were including me in your 'angry' comment? I'm not in the least angry...

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 06/01/2015 19:14

My children have fun of all kinds when they are awake, with or without me, bedtimes for sleeping not placating granny's needs and desires

Wotsitsareafterme · 06/01/2015 19:37

Dc1 went at just 5. She could have gone ages ago but it wasn't offered. Now dm has seen how easy she is she wants to have her again. Dc1 has been doing sleepovers with a friends family for 2 years though. She loves it.

I used to stay the night at my gm with my cousins regularly when I was about 7 upward. We loved it. I would have gone earlier but we didn't live locally

CheerfulYank · 06/01/2015 19:53

I would have loved to stay at my grandparents, but we lived a thousand miles away. I remember it when I was very small though and it was a blast.

Mine love staying over when they get the chance I don't really understand why you wouldn't let them...but I totally support parents' rights to make what they feel is the best choice for their children.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/01/2015 20:08

So let's assume DIL and (optimistically) the son explain their reasons. What's next?

If Mil doesn't like their reasons, is she entitled to say so and start a discussion/argument? Does expecting an explanation achieve anything?
(genuine question - not being snide)

grannytomine · 06/01/2015 20:21

People get really het up about this. I've never asked for my GC to stay over but they are always welcome. I see plenty of them, I think I would still have a close relationship with them if they didn't sleep over. For us it started with DILs bad PND, all sorts went on including Social Worker calling to see if the baby was safe with us. Grannies can be useful, MILs aren't all dragons. Things can happen, illness mental or physical, and anyone might need a granny to leave their children with.

I have good relationships with my sons and their wives.

marshmallowpies · 06/01/2015 23:29

I'm not sure an explanation would help an already fraught situation, unless it was something quite understandable - child is having night terrors, is going through a very clingy phase, etc - those I hope a sensitive grandparent would understand.

But every time I see grumbles about MILs I think of my poor mum who never intended or wanted to fall out with her DIL but somehow it happened.

My mums own mother died young so she never lived to be a grandparent or even see her children get married, so for my mum, who has also survived cancer, being a grandparent has been very precious, having this experience she was never able to share with her own mother. I think that's why she made sure we were close to our other granny, even though she struggled with her herself, and why I want her to be the kind of grandparent she'd like to be.

I don't think having GCs overnight is 'playing at mummy' and yes of course they don't do much while they're asleep - but presumably part of the fun is putting them to bed, bedtime stories and having breakfast with them the next morning. My granny had special china she got out just for us, and cooked our favourite dinners - we loved staying with her.

Having said that, though, if a parent has genuine concerns about safeguarding or whether a GP is capable of coping with a child, that's a different matter. My FIL is not in great health and I'd never leave a child alone with him - he'd never pick up a child for a cuddle or change a nappy for instance, and it isn't expected of him. If those boundaries are clear, you know where you stand. (I don't think he's yearning to look after DD alone, though he's fine to be around her when MIL is there too, and she's great with kids so have no worries there).

atotalshambles · 07/01/2015 12:22

I agree marshmallow. My dad is getting a bit doddery - he ran over DS's foot with the lawnmower and almost took it off, his driving is a bit dodgy and he can't cope with looking after baby DD for more than 10 mins! I would not feel happy leaving him overnight with DS but I would never want to tell him the reason why as I wouldn't want to upset him (not that he would ever ask!).

I do however think that some MILs do want want to 'play mummy' by having their gc overnight by looking after them without any influence from their parents. In the same way some parents do not want any overnight stays as they want to 'control' who influences their children.

People can be crazy - just look at some of the threads here.

Hakluyt · 07/01/2015 17:09

What's difference between "playing mummy" and "being a grandma"?

CalicoBlue · 07/01/2015 17:24

My DS stayed with my mother and mil from about 2. We live about 1.5 hours drive so it would have been when we were away for the weekend.

When I had my second, my mother could not cope with two little ones, so it only happened once or twice, or she would have one at a time. She lived on a farm and the kids loved riding the donkeys, feeding the chickens and watching the lambs etc.

Now my Dd is a teen and still loves her half term holidays with her Granny. Though sadly no farm anymore.

atotalshambles · 07/01/2015 18:45

Parents make the rules regarding the bringing up of their children as they have ultimate responsibility, and grandparents are expected to follow them which I am guessing is hard having once been the parent and having made the decisions themselves. Hence threads from gps saying my DIL says no sleepovers is this unreasonable etc...

I would imagine the popularity of sleepovers is to break a few rules/do things their way without mummy/daddy being there.

loiner45 · 07/01/2015 19:01

never with my dps as they lived many miles away and my mother was never really into children but dc1 stayed with my MIL for 4 days when she was about 18 months as I went away for work and my dh couldn't get the time off work.

All of my dc stayed with my PIL throughout their childhood and have the most wonderful relationship with my MIL now that they are adults - first thing they do when they come home to visit is arrange a time to go out with grandma. They often invite me along but i generally decline, I think they all enjoy their time without me or their df there - and as grandma is now not in the best of health they should be free to enjoy each others company while they can. I get to see a lot of my (now ex) MIL anyway. She's fab. I am eternally grateful for all her help with the dc when they were growing up. Couldn't have asked for a better MIL.

grannytomine · 07/01/2015 19:13

loiner45, what a lovely post. You give a MIL hope, I mean that I think my DILs feel the same about me but reading some threads on here can make me a bit paranoid that they are going round telling everyone I am a nightmare. I don't think I am, fingers crossed.

mytimewillcome · 07/01/2015 19:13

Well said atotalshambles. Why do GPs want to spend time on their own with GC and not want their own son or daughter present? You can't just say that you want GC overnight and over rule the parents and expect to get what you want. Everyone thinks independently and has different opinions and just because you want something it's not necessarily going to happen. I don't get everything I want in life. That's life.

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