G/Children sleepover at granny's house

[Zabelithe]

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

And actually this thread makes me think GP's should have more rights.

"You can have MY child on MY terms when IM at work ....."

And posters on here think parents can just turn around and say no without giving an explanation?!!

I agree. But this would be a very different discussion if there wasn't a mil/Dil involved. Because they are, it has become DIL must be right regardless, mil must be wrong. Because that's how it goes on mumsnet. Paternal grandparents are only allowed relationships with their grandchildren mediated through their dils. And it stinks.

Imagine the thread about the grandma who looks after her grandchild for her son, who loves and cares for her but is not allowed ever to have her to stay the night with no explanation. Just a 'no'. Imagine how the child's father's behaviour would be challenged and questioned. But because it's a dil she is above any criticism.

what is the point of asking for or giving a reason? my reason would be hard to express, i just feel strongly that my kids are not going to be sleeping anywhere without me/dh while young. end of. not up for discussion. our child/our rules.

How do you explain that to your children?

And if I made any decision which I could only justify with "my child, my rules end of" I would be asking myself some pretty searching questions about whose best interests I was serving.

Hakluyt *Paternal grandparents are only allowed relationships with their grandchildren mediated through their dils. And it stinks.

Imagine the thread about the grandma who looks after her grandchild for her son, who loves and cares for her but is not allowed ever to have her to stay the night with no explanation. Just a 'no'. Imagine how the child's father's behaviour would be challenged and questioned. But because it's a dil she is above any criticism.*

Sigh. I get the impression that your 2nd paragraph is exactly what this thread is, but the dad's role is being written out and the DiL demonised. Unless the "both" who will be sat down include the 4 year old. And again, where is the evidence of no explanation having been given? (AdmitI might have missed a bit in 13 pages.)

It's late, I give up. PILs should have shared residency in exchange for childcare, DILs are all vindictive, dads don't exist.

Paternal grandparents are only allowed relationships with their grandchildren mediated through their dils.

I think it's more accurate to say that men often leave family stuff to their partners whether that is organising childcare or remembering birthdays.

Involved fathers in equal relationships don't tend to be sidelined.

I strongly disagree that my children's relationship with my in laws is only facilitated through me! My DH is not a cipher, he is a very involved parent and we make these kind of decisions together always.

My PILs I suspect would naturally tend to assume that any 'no' answers come from me, when actually that is not the case. It's probably just easier to imagine it's not your own child saying no to you.

We bend over backwards to facilitate a close relationship with both sets of GPs but overnight stays aren't necessary to a close bond. I was extremely close to my own GPs, neither set of whom ever looked after me overnight and in fact only very rarely looked after me without my parents present.

It is worth considering that children will often say to a Grandparent'yes' to please them and then tell their parents quietly later that they really don't want to.

Finally, there is no 'power balance' as someone mentioned earlier. My DH and I decide together what is best for our children.

We do try very hard to make sure everyone feels good about our decisions and avoid hurt. I love and respect my in laws and DPs and very much appreciate anything they do for us, but that doesn't mean they get to override our parenting decisions if they happen to disagree with them - neither set would dream of doing so btw.

Actually last time my mum and stepdad were at ours I asked if they would consider having DD for a couple of nights, she's never slept away from home (almost 3) and adores them BUT she does tend to be a bit clingy. They live on the coast about an hour and a half's drive away so I'm not sure whether or not we should book a hotel and have a weekend break so at least we're within driving distance if she really drives them round the bend.

I cant believe a simple question could evoke such anger in people. If this is what Mumsnet is about, I'm out of here. I dont need it.

Zabilithe - I agree that some of the responses on this thread have been quite extraordinary, but please don't leave MN as a result. There just seems to be something about MiL that presses the collective MN "button" creating disproportionately hostile responses.

Don't post in AIbu if you don't expect a reaction. This is for debate, try parenting or other sections.

You haven't really helped the questioning as you havent given any details about the situation so people have for carried away with their own situations.

You haven't really answered any of posters questions either

Any chance before you go you can clarify what dad is doing while mum works and you provide childcare to allow that

This is a frustrating thread.
My reasons for my Dcs not staying over with my Dm are very unlikely to bear any relation to the Op's situation.
And I don't have a DMIL, so that's a fair reason for not staying with her. Imho.
My ds is 4yo. If he had a close relationship with a GP He, I and Dh would have happily "allowed" an overnight stay from when he was about 3.5 because that was when he seemed able to manage that iyswim.
DD is not yet 2. She still wakes up at night.
You can take her for the night for Gp time if you like
So, what is happening for you? For your Gc/ DS and DDIl?

yes i suppose i havent really thought about it but actually my kids didnt do earlier sleepovers as well because they didnt want to, which is why i never had to explain to them etc.

and there is no family culture in my family or dhs of babies/toddlers sleeping apart from parents, so noone ever asked either. my face would have been if they had, and it would have been an 'err no, -are you mental-' but then theirs would have been as well!

actually, if the dad had had great sleepovers from an early age with his gparents, i would have thought he would be keen to repeat it for his children?
maybe he didnt have sleepovers?
or maybe he didnt enjoy them?
worth reminding him of all the fun he had overnight with his paternal gparents?

Nobody needs AIBU Be grateful for all the interest and take something from the debate. You asked the question 'at what age did you let your DC sleep over at grannys', but you introduced debate when you added despite the fact that you have looked after them during the day.

AIBU is a place to post to garner opinion. AIBU is like a room full of people all muttering and talking freely about the subject you walked into and bought up. Lots of other parenting sites would have produced nowt but tumble-weed to your question. Or 2 or 3 bland answers.

Further more, as a poster up-thread said, much of this thread is conversation between posters due to the lack of detail.

As for sitting your son and daughter in law down and asking them why you cant have the kids overnight - maybe a less intense and confrontational approach would be better. Just a casual chat with your son, perhaps?

My son first slept at my mum's house aged about 3.5 I think, and was fine (my mum doesn't live far away so he sees her a lot).

This thread is so odd. Grandparents can't just be told no? Huh? They should have more rights if not allowed to have them overnight. really? How very, very odd.

Mine went as soon as they were sleeping through the night.

It's not just grandparents that can't be "just told no". Nobody should be, in a normal, amicable relationship, unless it's something unacceptable or damaging. That's not how things work. I don't just say "no" to my children, or my partner or my family. I give an explanation. Why is it OK to be rude to grandparents?

I had a fantastic relationship with my grandparents but hated staying over with them as I was a clingy child and really missed my mum.

I have friends who leave their children regularly with gp for weekends away and love having time to themselves and I also have friends who have never left their children overnight. It is such a personal thing and what would you say if your DIL said she would just miss her child too much and not be separated at the moment? She is not being not being unreasonable to think this. Some people are comfortable leaving their children, others not.

OP - you seem to have taken the hump and described as "anger" people simply telling you things that you don't want to hear when you asked people for their views and experiences!

Someone, whether its your son, your daughter in law, or your grandchildren themselves, obviously isn't comfortable with them staying overnight at your house - that's a matter for them, not you. It is not up to you to decide things like this- you aren't in charge of these children and you don't have a right to have them stay with you overnight.

if you resent providing childcare then just say you can't/don't want to do it anymore - that's a totally separate issue. It doesn't give you a right to overnight stays (although you seem to think it does).

The fact is that most DILs won't view the relationship with their ILs as being the same as their own parents and won't necessarily be comfortable with overnight stays etc. That's just your lot in life as a MIL. Some people have very close relationships with their inlaws but in my experience most people have some difficulties/issues in the relationship from time to time - your attitude is just going to cause problems and alienate your DIL.

PS I love the fact that the OP thinks she looks after her grandchildren whilst "mum works". What is dad doing during this time? In a house with two working parents, any childcare is to facilitate both parents being at work, not just one of them!
I agree with the poster further up who said that they would make alternative arrangements rather than have child care from ILs with strings attached.

Hakluyt you are taking this all VERY seriously - presumably there is a back story there....I am glad you aren't my MIL!