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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

G/Children sleepover at granny's house

719 replies

Zabelithe · 04/01/2015 20:00

I'd be interested to hear at what age most of you mums let your DD and DS sleep at granny's house. I ask because our GD who is 4 and a half has still not been allowed to stay at ours despite the fact we have looked after her during the day while mum was working.

OP posts:
Pifflepants · 05/01/2015 20:00

Why do you need to sit them down OP? You've already asked and been told 'no', you could just respect their/her parenting decision.

Stealthpolarbear · 05/01/2015 20:15

But in tht case whotook the op is providing childcare for both the parents. YEt she says clearly it's so the mum can work

notnaice · 05/01/2015 20:16

I loved staying with one set.
I would have hated staying at the other. They weren't very child friendly although I had a great relationship with them as an adult.

duplodon · 05/01/2015 20:17

Could it be you're not answering where your ds is as he is also at work but you feel you are providing childcare for your dil as she is a woman? Can you conceive of the fact that maybe your ds doesn't want them to stay at yours and this is not about your dil at all?

Stealthpolarbear · 05/01/2015 20:19

Maybe I'm being overly pedantic, but it's this sort of casual sexism that reinforces that a mans place is in the workforce. A woman's is too, as long as she can sort out childcare for the children that are her responsibility.

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 20:22

Not even allowed to ask why, pifflepants? Just get back in the cupboard with the household appliances til she's next needed?

magpieginglebells · 05/01/2015 20:40

Yes, this kind of sexism really annoys me too and I get the same from my mil. She can't grasp why my husband and I chose a nursery convenient to both our workplaces because he's surely too busy doing important man stuff to worry about childcare.

CheerfulYank · 05/01/2015 20:57

I think Piffle is right on this one Hak. If the GM already asked and received a firm no, what good will sitting them down do?

FWIW my two stay with my parents every few months. Not often with my ILs because they (the ILs) would prefer not to, plus we see them often anyway.

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 20:58

Not sure about the sitting down- but why can't she ask why?

CheerfulYank · 05/01/2015 20:59

And I'm not suggesting this is the case with the OP, but my mother is very keen on having my children to herself and it's annoying. I understand she adores them and wants a relationship with them outside of me, etc, but we're talking things like telling me that DH and I were not allowed to come on a boat ride and picnic with them when they took DS. Sigh.

Stealthpolarbear · 05/01/2015 21:15

Guess I'll never know

Thudercatsrule · 05/01/2015 21:23

My DS1 was maybe 2-3wks old? DS2 same sort of age, that was with my mum. MIL 9-12mths old maybe? They stay with DM 1-2 times a month and MIL once every 4-6 weeks, they are 7 and 8 now. They would stay more if I let them!

Whotookallthegoodnames · 05/01/2015 21:25

Ah ok, point taken stealth

MuffinMcLay23 · 05/01/2015 21:29

If my mother in law "sat down" with us to ask for an explanation of why dc weren't staying with her overnight it would really alienate me. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Pifflepants · 05/01/2015 21:31

Of course she can ask Hakluyt, but she has already done so and been told 'no', or she wouldn't have phrased it as 'GD's mum won't let me...'. Your comment about putting her back in the cupboard is unfair. This thread is full of reasons why some children don't sleep over with some grandparents. OP's son and DIL may have some of those reasons or an entirely different one, but either way those reasons aren't going to evaporate because OP sits them down for a big chat. Possibly the real reason is one they don't want to share for fear of hurting her, I've no idea.

I admit the casual sexism, or possibly a lifetime of my parents telling me what I should do/think, may be affecting my judgement.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 05/01/2015 21:31

But Hak there doesn't have to be a 'good' reason why.

My in laws are lovely, but we quietly arranged things so that they never took our children out on their own until they were nearly 5 years old. They babysat them at our house and went on lots and lots of day trips with us as a family.

They (thankfully) never asked why not, which is just as well as they'd have been upset/angry/hurt at our reasons. Our reasons were perfectly justified (and sensible) but they wouldn't have agreed.

However as parents it's our job to risk assess and make other judgements about what happens with our children.

If I say 'no' to something, I'd be annoyed at being forced to justify my reasons. And you might not like the answer.

E.g. My in laws (who I do love) would I suspect like to take our DCs away on holiday without us. We'd say no, and would prefer not to hurt their feelings with a reason why.

We are very happy for them to babysit for an afternoon or evening though, however if one became contingent on the other I'd quietly make other arrangements.

Baliali31 · 05/01/2015 21:33

If my MIL 'sat me down' to know why my young child couldn't stay over I would feel very uncomfortable (and miffed)!

sanfairyanne · 05/01/2015 21:40

cant remember but maybe age 7 or so? mostly we all stay over as a family a kids only sleepover is a rare thing. no way any of mine were sleeping over as babies/toddlers/young children though - not my kind of thing at all

Slongette · 05/01/2015 21:42

DS (14 months) is currently at my parents - we have an early hospital apointment tomorrow and it's easier to get on with him out if the way! He's slept over a couple of times since about 10 months!

I'd love my MIL to have him but she's in another country and when we went out there to see them, she did not offer to babysit once Sad

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 21:42

I think the idea of a "big chat" is bonkers.

But I loathe the "no is a complete sentence Mumsnet meme. Why on earth shouldn't she expect a reason. Even if the reason is "I'm sorry, i can't bear the idea of her sleeping anywhere but near me yet"

I can't think of a single other relationship except a Mumsnet MIL/DIL which is friendly and amicable where an unqualified "no" is an acceptable response to a reasonable request. it's rude, it's disrespectful and designed to reinforce the power balance. "I control this child- what you or even she wants is immaterial compared to what I want. And I am going to make that perfectly clear before you start getting ideas above your station"

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 22:28

Agree with Hakluyt - I do think the OP is owed an explanation as to why the GC cannot stay over night - the parents are more than happy for the OP to provide childcare during the daytime, so a gentle explanation would be a courtesy to the GPs who would clearly like to offer the child a 'sleepover'.

Is that really too much to expect? Hmm Obviously the OP will then have to accept the reason, whether she agrees with it or not but at least she will know and yes, it might just be 'we don't want our DC sleeping away from us at night at the moment'.

MaryWestmacott · 05/01/2015 22:42

Well, unless the explaination is simply "I don't want her to." and as a parent, isn't it ok to just say no to things you don't want to do?

It's not like this is a granny who's not getting to see her DGD, she gets to spend a lot of time with her. She does get 'quality time' because she gets the DGD in the day while she's awake, alert, they can do stuff that takes a bit of time etc.

And what is the OP going to do with her answer? Try to work a way round it? I'm uncomfortable with explaining parenting decisions beyond "because we do/don't want X" to extended family because then you've given them something to argue round.

The OP has made it clear she's happy to have her DGD overnight, she's made it clear not only would she do it as a favour to the DIL and her DS, but because she wants to have her DGD (so it doesn't need to be for a reason like they have a wedding to go to etc), the parents have declined the offer politely.

Trying to find ways to get them to change their minds isn't going to end well, and pushing will probably end up with the OP getting less time with her DGD not more.

Hakluyt · 05/01/2015 22:52

But what about the child's wishes? Unless there's a real reason for saying no, surely the child has a say in this? In my experience, 5 year olds can express their preferences pretty clearly.......

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 05/01/2015 23:14

Agree with Hak.

"No" is rude. Just plain rude.

Especially as she is providing childcare.

It's a 2 way street I'm afraid.

Pifflepants · 05/01/2015 23:16

But did OP say the 'no' was unqualified? I don't think she's ever said 'DIL doesn't allow it, all I want is a reason why." The OP doesn't even ask for reasons why not from us, it just asks at what age 'mums' allowed it. I read that as a clear request for evidence of how other 'mums' allowed sleeping over at younger ages. And it is open to interpretation, but I take "I will sit them both down" as "i've gathered my evidence, some children sleep over from 2 weeks, I'm going to ask again" rather than "I now understand my adult children may be right on this but I just want an explanation".

And Hakluyt I continue to loathe the reference to MIL/DIL issues. You and OP insist on seeing this through that prism despite several of us pointing out that the dad does, y'know, exist. And have a job. And contribute to or possibly even lead parenting decisions that concern his own child and parents.

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