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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not being all humble and respectful and all that.(abortion related)

600 replies

IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 16:09

I have had the contraceptive injection twice now obviously I had it done on time and followed all instructions given to me I also usually use condoms I have 3 occasions where condom use has not been optimum all in the same weekend.

I have recently to my horror discovered that I am pregnant, POAS because I feel like crap and it felt like HG not expecting it to be the case but these things happen. Due to the amount of children I have one being tiny the nature of the relationship with my sexual partner and a quite serious history of HG and SPD(all but 1 previous pregnancy) I have booked in to have a TOP on Tuesday.

I'm quite comfortable with my decision and in general tend to be quite matter of fact about things.

My closest friend has gone very weird on me I declined an invitation for Tuesday from her and disclosed why. Ever since she has been upset because I'm not being sad enough she feels I'm being flippant about human life and not respectful.

I'm not entirely sure what she means by this and she has tried to be sympathetic not that it is needed but has mentioned this on a few occasions.

So am I meant to be sad and stuff or is it acceptable to feel positive towards the decision?

OP posts:
lemisscared · 04/01/2015 19:10

if you don't have the abortion. the baby that is growing inside you will be your son or daughter.

I would be saddened if someone really felt nothing about that.

i am not questioning your decision at all. thst is fine but please respect thst your friend may have reason to feel sad about it - it may be triggering for her.

mytartanscarf · 04/01/2015 19:14

But they aren't.

They become your son and daughter when you deliver them and love them.

pommedeterre · 04/01/2015 19:14

lemisscared - why does the op need to respect her friend feeling sad about her abortion about when disxussing her own body and abortion? If the friend decides to project then that's the friends look out?

Tapirbackrider · 04/01/2015 19:17

I'd respect a friends right to feel how they wished about abortion, but I would not and do not respect their right to project those feelings onto me, and have them berate or deride me for not feeling the 'correct' way.

lemisscared · 04/01/2015 19:18

mytatrtan, please read my post properly.

pomme - it might be that the op's friend has has a miscarriage and that is why its triggering for her.

i am not pro-life i just don't think it isok to be blase about abortion.

i do not think the op is being blase. just that she should consider WHY her friend wouldbe upset.

lemisscared · 04/01/2015 19:20

also given the op's circumstances id do exactly the same.

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 19:22

I just think it's odd, ESPECIALLY in OP's case. This pregnancy's an imminent threat to her life! If she'd told her friend: I'm going to have a life-saving medical procedure - but I recently found out I'm pregnant, and the procedure will mean I can't continue the pregnancy - would the friend's reaction have been different, I wonder? Would yours, posters who sympathise with friend?

pommedeterre · 04/01/2015 19:23

I struggle to understand why a conversation about ops abortion would involve her friends womb at any point.

mytartanscarf · 04/01/2015 19:24

I'm not sure what you feel I haven't read properly lemissscared

windchime · 04/01/2015 19:25

I have worked bank shifts in a private termination clinic and I have nursed a woman who was having her 9th abortion. She didn't feel sad and didn't need counselling. Some women do view it as a form of contraception whether you agree with that or not.

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 19:27

I agree, pomme. A friend of mine refrained from telling me about her abortion when I'd had a recent stillbirth. It was considerate of her, but she needn't have bothered making assumptions about my feelings. Her foetus was not my foetus (I'd say obviously, but it seems not to be so obvious Grin)

fuzerelli · 04/01/2015 19:28

if I conceived tomorrow and carried the pregnancy to term, then I would have a son or daughter. This is extremely unlikely as I am not TTC. Should I be sad then about not having this potential son or daughter?

juneandjuly · 04/01/2015 19:29

This is why sometimes it's not a good idea to talk about personal issues, even to a very close friend. This is obvously a subject people have strong feelings about. We've already seen on this thread one woman saying that she would not be able to look at someone in the same way if they were "ANTI abortion" and another saying exactly the same about someone who was "pro life". If you bring up issues like that within a friendship, you're running a real risk of that friendship ending or becoming severely compromised.

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 19:30

Some women do view it as a form of contraception - Fair enough, though expensive! Some women can't use reliable contraceptives for medical reasons. Some women get pregnant despite layered contraception. I'm sure there are other reasons why a woman might wait until she is pregnant before taking action. Their right.

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 19:30

Grin fuzerelli

fuzerelli · 04/01/2015 19:31

my Q was for LEM, by the way.

lemisscared · 04/01/2015 19:44

fuzerelli - i would be yes. i have two children from unplanned pregnancies.

i have given this some thought and actually erring more towards yanbu and have asked for my post to be deleted.

it seems to me that the op really doesn't have any choice. in those circumstances i think it would be pretty self destructive to allow herself to feel anything other than positive actually. she says herself she is matter of fact. maybe her friend sees that as uncaring and that isnt fair.

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 19:49

I am truly great full that I live in England.

If I lived in Ireland I would be genuinely with good reason concerned that I may not live.

HG is not an unusual pregnancy related illness granted my understanding is that in most circumstances it is fairly easy to manage but from chatting to others on here who have also experienced it leads me to believe that it might not be that easy to manage and it may just be Dr's not being quite as realistic as they could be.

We hear about Irish women sneaking over to England for treatment that they are denied at home to the point that many abortion services offer them discounted rates as obviously it occurs additional costs for them.

Over there I would have a choice disclose the pregnancy and obtain early treatment for HG and possibly be prevented from traveling or attempt to travel hope I don't become really ill before I'm closer to England than there.or risk being incapacitated or possibly dying.

leo that's an example of a place where my current choice does not exist. I like my friends even the ones who piss me off. I wouldn't wish that on even my worst enemy

OP posts:
OopsButItWasntMe · 04/01/2015 19:52

Moomin and Gallic Are you saying you only support the idea of abortion at 40 weeks because you don't think it would ever happen?

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 19:56

Enormouse

Thank you very much for your contribution.I'm glad this thread has helped you and wish you the best of luck for your appointment.

OP posts:
bananaramadramallama · 04/01/2015 19:56

I have had 2 terminations, one at 19 & one at 23.

My first one was a surgical one, I was scared out of my wits and away from home; my second was a medical one and my boyfriend at the time was alongside me.
I felt relief each time - I had some lingering sadness over the first, none over the second - I talk about them very matter of factly.

I do not mourn either as a 'what if?' or as a 'life not realised'. They were a mistake, they were unwanted and I was not in a position to be a halfway decent mother at those times.

I do not judge or question or demand certain reactions from others, and I similarly wouldn't welcome the same demanded of me - each termination is different, as is each woman - there is no 'right' or 'wrong' response.

Original poster
IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 20:01

I'd respect a friends right to feel how they wished about abortion, but I would not and do not respect their right to project those feelings onto me, and have them berate or deride me for not feeling the 'correct' way

Exactly this.

Why do some people think it is acceptable for her to share her thoughts about my feelings with me but it wouldn't be ok for me to tell her I think her thoughts are a bit shit really.

OP posts:
Meerka · 04/01/2015 20:01

could you ask your friend not to mention it again? next time she raises it something on the lines of "please could we not mention this again?" and if she keeps on after that, avoid her for a bit.

I personally quite understand your decision - first son was born after 2 forms of contraception failed. After 2 HG pregnancies I'm booking in in the next weeks to be steralized. Too stomach chillingly afraid to DTD until after that's done. People don't get HG unless they've had it.

Smartleatherbag · 04/01/2015 20:02

OP, you are doing the right thing.
I've had hg and would not go through it again. It is utter hell. And that's before you even consider the whole bringing an unwanted life into the world.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 04/01/2015 20:02

Oops No, I support it on the off-chance that it might happen. I support the right of women to have an abortion at any stage in their pregnancy. I am not, as some people on the thread seem to believe, waving flags that say 'Yay Abortion of a Full-Term Baby!".