AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

[TAG30]

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

18?? Are you kidding?!!!!

Surely if you're happy for them to have sex, her stay at his etc then you don't have moral or religious objections. Personally I'd be more worried about making her travel alone at 3am. This seems weird to me but I have boys (and they're only little) so who am I to say.

Well, I'm 46 and my parents definitely allowed my boyfriends to stay over. But then I'm Dutch and we don't tend to have quite so many hangups about that sort of thing.

My DDs already have double beds at ages 11 and 13...

Your house your rules.
Personally I'd rather they stay at my house than his, travelling home at 3am is probably not the safest option.
At least she is being reasonably safe with contraceptives.
If it makes you feel any better I used to lie to my mum about where I stayed and that was at 16. At 18 going on 19 she is probably old enough to make her own decisions but it is your house so if you'd rather she stayed at his than yours then that's your call.
She sounds more mature than I was at that age!

I think you need to treat her as an adult but do lay down ground rules about what is acceptable in your house as there are younger siblings.

I'm 42 and my parents let my boyfriend stay over in my bedroom at 19 but then they'd lived together for a year before they were married back in the late 60s so had no issue with no sex before marriage etc. My boyfriend's parents were very welcoming but insisted on separate bedrooms until we were actually living together 4 years later. Not a big surprise that we chose to spend far more time at my parent's house than his.

I'm 50 and I was 18 and at Uni before I had my first serious boyfriend. He slept in my room when he came to stay in the holidays, and my parents weren't particularly "cool".

Interestingly for people who think letting one partner stay over is going to lead to a parade of randomers at the breakfast table, well it hasn't happened in our house because we laid down the ground rules at the start.

Our 18YO DD was allowed to have her BF stay over from the age of 17 in our small house. If he's here on a sunday morning I get dressed and don't slob around. He never tidies his plates away, which is irritating, but DD is probably the same when he's at his family home. They have usually been discreet and I enjoy having him sat at the dinner table with us. Our bedroom is next to DDs but I haven't been aware of any 'sounds' (except for one weekday afternoon when I had to turn on both radios ). I do feel a bit uncomfortable and try to avoid bumping into him en route to the bathroom etc, but I'm pleased for DD being in a sexual relationship that makes her happy with a nice lad. It's one of life's pleasures. Lucky her I say.

Your house, your rules.

If she doesn't like it then she stays at his as she is doing.

As for not seeing her, isn't that what growing up is. The thought of kids still loving here in the late 20's and 30's doesn't appeal to me. I was gone at 18 and never lived at parents again. I don't like this new trend of kids staying at home forever.

Living!!

sick - I also find it odd. A good friend of mine lived with his parents until he was 29! He had been working as a teacher for the last 9 years so it was hardly like he couldn't afford to move out. He had a long time GF (they have been together for 10 years and she is now his wife) and I think they were quite enjoying the easy life of living with his parents, paying some small amount of rent each month and having no responsibilities The only reason he eventually moved out was because they were getting married.

Another guy I know is very comfortable financially, he's on a very good wage but he's still with his parents at the age of 34, yes 34!!!!

17yo DD2's BF stays over most weekends, and has spent all but 4 days of the Christmas holidays with us. I've got to know him really well, and he is lovely, kind, respectful, plainly adores DD. They've been seeing each other for over 6 months now, if you'd asked me this a year ago, I'd have said no, but I would have missed out on getting to know him, and seeing just how adorable they are together.

It's your house, but your DD is an adult, will be having adult relationships, and you will have to come to terms with that. Personally, I'd rather my children felt comfortable enough in their home to know their partners are going to me made very welcome. And I have the advantage of seeing how he treats my daughter first hand.

rag they've met! loads of times, there's just no point in him coming round - also no to sofa. still won't let him!
My parents never see me anymore. I spend 2 days at home and the rest at his, as we can't afford to move out yet. I didn't see my dad for three weeks! DP can't afford to come down on buses just to go back home, he only has a PT job. I work FT so more money to not be at home.
I just wish my DM would loosen up a bit. DF isn't bothered!

I'm 50+ and my 'normal' parents let my BF stay over when we were both 16. We went out for a few years - I have happy memories of our relationship and can see no negatives in it at all. We were nice, polite and hardworking teens.

I'm 27 and live with my parents but I'm a student so it's for financial reasons. They offered to let me stay, I wasn't sure at first as I did leave at 18 and didn't want to feel like a teenager again but my parents treat me like an equal and I get on well with them and enjoy their company. I appreciate that I'm very lucky and that a lot of parents wouldn't have offered and I'm intending on going as soon I'm finished and earning money. I do know someone who's 35 who has never moved out which I do find odd as she's worked full time for the past 14 years so must have some money. Her parents treat her like she's a 5 year old though and I can kind of see how it's easy to get stuck in a rut and think oh well I'm safe here with mum and dad, especially if you have parents who are the type to fuss over you. You never know what other issues are going on though, my ex boyfriend was abused as a child and he told me that he had to be around people who were close to him all the time and couldn't stand to be on his own. He did briefly live with a girlfriend but he went back to his parents as soon as they split up and he's still there in his 30s. I won't be surprised if he doesn't end up living with them forever which is really sad.

Anyway, I think it's a difficult one as at nearly 19 you can't expect your daughter not to want a sexual relationship with her boyfriend but equally she's an adult staying in your home and you're entitled to set some ground rules. I never had a boyfriend at that age but my sister's boyfriend used to stay at ours every other weekend when she was 19 and she was in the room next to my parents, so they obviously weren't bothered by it. Maybe invite him over to stay one weekend night every few weeks as a compromise and see how it goes and if it doesn't work out, well at least you tried. If not, then I think you will have to accept that you won't be seeing much of your daughter for however long their relationship lasts.

I may have a slightly different take on this.

My parents didn't let any of my boyfriends sleep in the same bed as me in their house until I got engaged in my mid 20s. Boyfriends had to sleep on the sofa downstairs if they were allowed to sleep over at all.

Their reason for this was that any sexual or intimate relationship I had was my business and until I made a formal declaration, they would not formally recognise it -- for the good of everyone concerned. They were always pleasant enough to anyone that came over, of course, but there was a line.

My mum told me that the reason they took this approach was that their early courtship had been made very awkward and difficult by my GP's relationship with my father's ex-girlfriend, who, while my dad was working away, had developed a very close relationship with them... sleeping over, having regular meals with them, going out for the day etc. When my dad didn't want to see her anymore, my GPs put an enormous amount of emotional pressure on my dad and refused to accept my mum, a situation that lasted for nigh on twenty years.

I do think that parents need to be careful not to get too involved in DC's lives and relationships. My aunt allowed my cousin to have her boyfriend stay over in her room when she was 18, and I can't help feeling that it made the relationship seem a lot more serious to my cousin than it really was. When he dumped her in a very nasty way, she was devastated, and my aunt felt horrendously gutted that she had been so accepting and kind towards the lad in her home, which she felt should be a sanctuary for my cousin from the nastiness of other people.

So Stratters and those of you like me whose older DC have their partners stay over does it work the other way? DS1 has been with his GF for 10 months. First proper relationship for both of them. If he goes to her house he always comes home but if she comes here she stays. I haven't asked why but they are both over 18.

I can't get over all the comments about sharing a breakfast table. I don't know a teenager who gets up before I am thinking about lunch

I told both my DSs that I would consider letting a GF stay over if it was a serious relationship. Both have had double beds since they were about ten so it's comfortable. Having said that DS and GF share a single when they visit each other at un.

'My aunt allowed my cousin to have her boyfriend stay over in her room when she was 18, and I can't help feeling that it made the relationship seem a lot more serious to my cousin than it really was. '

I agree with this angle -- the relationship as described is a very new relationship and it is very immature.

With DD2 it's slightly difficult in that respect, as her BF's parents live in a 2 bed house, and he shares a room with his brother. She has always been made very welcome though, and is included in family events. Got a lovely stocking from his mum for Christmas

First relationships are very often intense though: I can't imagine that imposing some forbidden fruit, Romeo and Juliet scenario on your kids would make them any less so.

And so what if they split up? Then you help them to pick themselves up, dust themselves down and move on. It is all part of becoming an adult. Clinging on to the ex is patently ridiculous, but really, how many parents would do that?

I agree with your points Mathanxiety.

I definitely believe from our experience with our daughter that permitting her bf to stay over so regularly increased the intensity of her relationship with him at the time, at the expense of other friendships. Even she came to see it.

I can see why it doesn't seem a problematic issue if you are a young mum with young kids. Definitely I saw it that way myself. Because I saw it at that stage as a daughter and not as a mother, in reality.

I don't anymore, and I think there are a lot more complexities around the whole issue than whether or not your young adult teens are having sex.

What worksallhours said.
My parents didn't let boyfriends stay over, for which I am profoundly grateful.

I didn't like the level of friendship they had with my exH and would have hated it if they had known my ex boyfriends well enough for them still to be friends when I wanted well rid.

I also echo what worksallhours says, it's not just about the sex, it's about the intensity of serious relationships at a such a young age. I have a few close relatives who were practically in 'live in' relationships by their mid teens ie: spending all their time together at either parents' house. It's just not what I would want for my child. And it's not necessarily true that you see more of your child because these teenagers were just shut in their bedroom all day with their bf/gf/

I was never allowed to have boyfriends stay over - of course I managed to have sex but isn't that part of growing up shagging behind the bike shed ?

Tinkly, I think it's the job of parents to maintain a sense of reality for the teens' own good. It's not turning sex with the BF into forbidden fruit to point out that a teenager has a family, and friends, or that a hot relationship with a certain BF is not all that the world has to offer, and if it is not possible for the teens to get a grip, and sex turns into forbidden fruit when parents remind them of reality (i.e. that other people exist) then the parties involved in the relationship are indeed too immature to be having a relationship on that level.

But you can do all that without forbidding overnight stays - and you can't really have conversations with your child if your child isn't in your house because they are at the more welcoming family's place instead.

My parents making my now dh stay in the spare room didn't help my relationship with them, I listened to them less as a result because I thought they were being moralistic and annoying. And we had sex anyway so it was a bit pointless really.

I agree that very intense relationships at a young age aren't a great idea, but the OP's dd is almost 19, which is when relationships do become more important than family to most young adults. Isn't that just part of growing up?