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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow 18 year old DD boyfriend to stay over

233 replies

TAG30 · 04/01/2015 13:02

My daughter got her first proper boyfriend a few months ago. She is almost 19 and he is a couple of years older. She has been very honest with me about everything and prior to this boyf, she had not been sexually active but she recently booked herself an appointment at the DRs to get the contraceptive implant.
She was constantly getting cabs home from his house at 3am as i didnt want her staying over but this seemed silly on my part as she was almost staying there anyway. Therefore, she has been staying over at his house a lot recently - to the point where i never see her now.
Am i being unreasonable to not want her boyf to stay over here? My DH is absolutely against it as he would feel uncomfortable knowing they were in bed together in the room above us and to be honest, so am i. Its just that now, shes never home and spends all her time there with his family. Is this just a case of needing to let go or would you allow them to stay over?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/01/2015 21:42

'As an aside, I think the over-exclusiveness of the relationship as described sounds unhealthy. If she has given up her relationship with her parents in order to spend time with her BF after a relatively short time (a few months is not long imo), has she done similar with friends? Being so swept up in Luv that you are prepared to sacrifice other relationships is not a good thing.'

For real? C'mon. I had affairs like this lasting anywhere from a few months to erm, longer at that age that were just that: mad shagging.

TheHermitCrab · 04/01/2015 21:47

I think you are being a bit unreasonable if you are annoyed you never see her and the late taxis, no wonder she stays at his if she has to come home when you want at the age of 19.

She's an adult, so it might be about time to treat her like one unless there is reason not to?.

Your rules and your house at the end of the day but I don't think they want you to hear them have sex about as much as your daughter thinks about you an DH being in the same bed together having sex for the last 18 years of her life.

Altinkum · 04/01/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/01/2015 22:10

As for the younger siblings thing, well my 8 year old is learning that when you are 17 or 18 you may start having one really special friend who hangs out at your house a lot, is nice to you and respectful to your parents, and after a couple of months sometimes sleeps over.

I hardly think he is in moral danger.

SirChenjin · 04/01/2015 22:14

That's fine - your choice etc. Doesn't make someone else's choice not to have BFs/GFs staying over when there are younger children in the house wrong.

2015 · 04/01/2015 22:19

So far, I have liked all of my DCs partners and its been a pleasure to have them around. DD2 is 18 and has a charming and polite BF who is very supportive of her. When they are not studying they are constantly laughing and chatting. i am more than happy to 'facilitate' their relationship as long as they use contraception I like to see my DCs enjoying life as long as they are also studying hard too.
It's easy as an adult to be dismissive of teenage relationships but they can be extremely important to the teens in question?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/01/2015 22:22

I just genuinely don't understand people's logic on it Sir Chenjin. Grown ups have relationships and often share a bed with the person they are in a relationship with. Surely no little kid is going to be shocked by that? Are people afraid it will encourage sex at a younger age or something?

Bowlersarm · 04/01/2015 22:25

Totally agree Tinkly, I don't get it either.

landrover · 04/01/2015 22:25

Ewwww absolutely no boyfriends staying over in my house! They can get their own accommodation if that what they wish, but actually I don't want another person (male or female) sharing my breakfast table!

poisonedbypen · 04/01/2015 22:29

DD age18 is on her second serious boyfriend. The first one stayed over - he had stated before they were going out. That finished rather suddenly & unexpectedly and soon she met someone else. This gave us a bit of a dilemma as she is an adult but I didn't want a parade of boyfriends. This has lasted a year and they are very discreet, I would feel uncomfortable if it had turned into a procession though. It's hard, but they are adults and it means we have got to know the bf (his parents won't let her stay). Accept that dd is growing up & embrace the next stage.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2015 22:38

I don't think it's even that it may be a case of mad shagging though, Expat. It's leaving your former relationships in the dust and the extreme focus on one other person that is not healthy, whether there is mad shagging involved or not. I would be concerned to see that in a teen and I would not encourage a relationship where a teen threw other important relationships overboard like that, including the relationship with the people who pay her way in life.

SGB - My point was that there is more to being an adult than reaching the legal threshold to have sex.
Many posters here have told the OP her DD is an adult while at the same time ignoring the fact that the DD does not support herself to the extent of paying her own way in life even to the extent of affording a bedsit, and also ignoring the fact that this relationship is a very juvenile one if it involves such intense focus on the other person (or intense need for the focus the other person has on her) that other relationships are cast aside. Why should parents facilitate this?

Muddiboots · 04/01/2015 22:42

I have two boys 18 and 21, they have both been allowed to have their girlfriends stay over and share their room, since the age of 17 . Both are long term relationships, of 4 yrs and 3 yrs now. Both gf have been on holiday with us and shared a room with respective partner. Obviously on the basis that their parents were happy about it. Ds1 has never stayed with parents of gf as they are deeply religious and that's fine, ds2 is a regular visitor at his gf house. I never thought I would be this open but by the time they get to this age, you realise that it's going to happen anyway and I would rather it happened where I know they are warm, comfortable and safe. Dd is 15 and I like to think I will have the same attitude when she is old enough, though honestly I know it will be harder ( wrong I know but being honest!)

mrsfarquhar · 04/01/2015 22:45

But they are less likely to throw the relationship overboard if they can include their boyfriend in it. If they don't feel comfortable then they will create a completely new space in their life for the boyfriend, as the OP's DD is doing. Some people prefer that, some people don't but if you don't allow them in your house and then complain that they aren't in your house its a lose lose.

As I said earlier my boyfriend was allowed to stay with fairly strict rules. It was nice, I have had a strong relationship with my parents and this was a mark of it moving onto a more adult basis.

SurlyCue · 04/01/2015 22:53

If she has given up her relationship with her parents in order to spend time with her BF after a relatively short time (a few months is not long imo), has she done similar with friends? Being so swept up in Luv that you are prepared to sacrifice other relationships is not a good thing.'

Well i dont think she has "given up her relationship with her parents" but i do think its very normal in te early stages of relationships to just want to see as much of each other as possible. However, if there is a chance she is cutting out her friends and family then all the more reason for her parents to try and encourage her back home by making her and her boyfriend welcome there.

nooka · 04/01/2015 23:22

I'd rather get to know my children's boyfriends/girlfriends in my home than have them disappear to the boyfriend/girlfriends house. I really like my children (even though they are teenagers!) and so far have mostly really liked their friends. I'd also rather see the relationship dynamics and be able to support and advise them than make them uncomfortable and drive them away.

Seems like the OP has reached a compromise, and I hope it works for them. My parents were not very welcoming to my now dh, and while we knew it was because of their values and not personal it meant that we usually stayed with his family in the holidays (university relationship) and it took many years before they became friends, which was very difficult for me stuck in the middle.

We will be playing it by ear, so far only dd has had a (short lived) girlfriend, and we decided that sleepovers should probably not be in her bedroom yet (dd is only 14, it was interesting to think about whether a girlfriend was different to a boyfriend).

duchesse · 04/01/2015 23:32

I trust my children's judgment. They are 21, 19 and 17 and are very sensible- perfectly able to decide on the direction their life is to take. I trust them to make the right choices for themselves by this age. Obviously they still need some nudges from time to time, but on the whole they have it covered.

DD1 (19yo) has had a first bf since the summer. She's known him for 3 years (but they only got together this summer), and he has stayed over along with a number of other teens over the years. I love having gangs of teens over! And it would be ridiculous to say that DD1's bf is no longer welcome now that he's a bf and not a friend. All the DC's friends are similarly pleasant and mature young people, so it's not a chore at all.

That said, both DD and her BF are mature, sensible and polite (the BF is way more polite than DD here!!). It's like having another child of our own here- he does chores and takes part in everything we do and it generally a credit to his upbringing. However, I suspect that if we didn't like him as much as we do, we wouldn't be as keen on him staying over. So guess that it depends on the personality of the DC and the SO involved, and especially if they are actually significant (and I believe that DD1 wouldn't have done this if she hadn't considered it carefully). I don't believe that at her age it is my place to intervene other than to offer advice where required.

DixieNormas · 05/01/2015 03:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2015 06:25

It's not a case of this BF not being allowed in the house. He is not permitted to have sex with the DD in the house.

If he cared about anything but sex with the DD then he would be happy to visit her parents in their home and get to know them, and they would all see the DD and no relationship would be sacrificed for another. That is 'relationship' in its fullest sense, and not just in the sense of sex.

Iggi999 · 05/01/2015 06:44

At 35 my (now) inlaws still put us in separate rooms when we visited. I thought it was barmy but it was their house.
I'm sure most people posting on this thread were never allowed to have a boyfriend sleep over (unless you are younger than I think you are!)

CatCushion · 05/01/2015 07:29

Mathanxiety, I've been trying to find the right words to express that particular niggle. I agree with that. DD prefers to stay at her bf's place because there's a double bed there, and just a single bed in her room here, with a pull out matress for guests. They are allowed to stay here, its just not as comfortable for them and less private. They're both here a lot for meals, homework, etc and I've been able to get to know her bf.

I think if a bf/gf doesn't want to meet parents at all, can't look us the eye, and avoids staying the night here altogether, that is significant, too!

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 08:45

One of the issues is when the first 'serious' relationship ends and then if you have agreed to let a bf/gf stay over what happens next time ........... are you happy if it is just a series of one night stands? What time span constitutes a 'serious' relationship?

Years ago my SIL was being 'cool' and bought a double bed for her DD and allowed the bf to stay over however when that relationship ended she found a series of young men staying over (not all at once Grin) and then found it difficult to introduce 'stricter' rules. She also commented how she hated having being seen in her dressing gown first thing in the morning or having to queue for her own bathroom Grin.

Iagree with SirChinjen - I would not be comfortable with my teenage DS having a girl friend to stay ........... I would never have bought a BF home to stay the night and I think making your home too comfortable for young adults is one of the reasons so many never leave home.

TheLovelyBoots · 05/01/2015 08:54

I agree with MathAnxiety. I hope that my chidren bring their girlfriends over so that we can get to know them, particularly as they get older and the girlfriends become prospective wives.

A lot of posters have mentioned the housing crisis as a factor in their decision. In the absence of this, would you feel differently? I think that the priviledge of bringing home a shag or a long-term boy/girlfriend (or anything inbetween) is the preserve of the fully employed, bill-paying, independent 20-something.

NewYearNewBrie · 05/01/2015 08:56

I stillcant ' understand why my mother thinks its acceptable to not let my DP stay over. she says "well I was never allowed". Yes, mum, you were never allowed because you come from an Army family - no sleeping over until you're married.
I've been with DP 2 years this year, but I have a single bed and there's no room. She's let him stay over before - when she was out of the city - but not while she's in the house? It means that Dp never sees my parents. He can't be affording to come down that far for a few hours onlyto go back.
Me and DP just bought our first bed. Hardly a "fling" my mother needs to loosen up a bit. I bet she'll let my baby sister have her boyfriends staying round before she's 20. it's easy to see who the favourite is.
But I would like my DP to be with my family sometimes. Mum's strict rules don't let that happen.

Ragwort · 05/01/2015 09:25

NewYear- why can't your BF sleep on the sofa if he wants to meet your family? Or could you share with your sister and let him have your room? That might make the situation more comfortable for your mother. I would think it a bit odd if if my DS didn't bring a GF of two years to meet me just because they couldn't share a room Hmm.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2015 09:25

I didn't have a double bed, either. So waited till my folks were out and shagged my boyfriends there. Also the living room, the kitchen table. There is no real way to stop people from having sex.