For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

[Homemadewhine]

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

Your DH should have apologised. Does he ever apologise? As he may be hiding upstairs because he doesn't like to back down and can't admit he has been wrong.

An inability to say you're sorry and make the first move to fix a row is so fundamental to any relationship.

It sounds like you have been manoeuvred into the position of being the fixer, and the organiser, the responsible one.

You have to be that person because of his refusal to take on his share of the emotional load.

I think you should stop being so determined to see your relationship as perfect.

If he never says sorry and causes chaos whenever he is in charge, then he is not your "best friend" and he manifestly doesn't "have your back".

How about you start a separate thread for hypothetical situations with reversed genders and let the rest of us talk to the actual woman whose husband left her in a carpark with no coat and sees nothing at all wrong with that?

"I think you feel betrayed because their behaviour says you are not allowed your feelings, that you are not a real person, but just there to be the butt of family jokes even when you're upset"

Yep.

And your DH's refusal to acknowledge that you had a right to your feelings (even if you expressed them badly) long after the event when everything has calmed down, does rather bear that out.

I think you're minimsing some of the bad things in your relationship tbh. That thing of being the one who carries all the emotional work of the family, is really exhausting and isolating. Your DH isn't stepping up to the plate with regards to that and I think you need to try and change it.

HerefordMum I've already explained my stance in previous posts.

If this was reversed and a woman talked about blatantly disregarding her husband's feelings, everyone would be telling her the same thing. He was unreasonable for throwing things, but she certainly is acting like a grade A twat to continue antagonizing him.

No one here is saying it's acceptable to throw things. But just because she threw something doesn't mean that her husband is automatically the good guy who's done no wrong either.

Bathtimefunkster. Firstly I acknowledge that tbe husband made an error of judgment by leaving her, however this is mitigated by his believing that the prescription might be issued in enough time to get back. If this turned out not to be the case then it is an innocent if not understable mistake on his part. However the physical reaction by the OP remains an issue, which if roles were reversed, would lead to calls of divorce and criminal action on these very boards. Regardless of your attmpts to gloss over it.

I ask you the same question - if a man threw keys at his wife and kicked out at her car, regardless of a chemist / carwash mix up, would it be acceptable?

"I can see how for dd this was frightening."

Can she seen how frightening this might have been for you?

Have you asked her: "Suppose you wanted to drop a Birthday present off to a friend, and we agreed to drive you to her house. But after you'd given it to her, and walked back to the road, we had driven off. Without mentioning it in advance. With your coat and phone in the car. And it was raining. Would you be OK with that?" ??

Both your DD and your DH have a dismaying lack of empathy.

She said her DH apologised in the op. She also said later on he was trying to apologise.

Sounds like she doesn't want to accept it to me. Why should he bother again.

Really you need to take your made up scenarios and ideological musings to another thread.

A person is sad and confused about something that happened in her family that made her feel worthless and overlooked

That's the focus here.

These things happen, a misunderstanding compounded by someone making a joke about it. Yes perhaps you were overreacting s bit but we all do that occasionally and hope not to be vilified relentlessly for it. It's a real shame he has wound the kids up rather than doing the opposite and telling them "kids, calm down, mum's a bit upset because we missed her at the chemist".

Yanbu but if you have a good relationship I'm sure you will be able to talk it through when you both feel calm. Your Dd will recover. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her seeing you have the odd strop, it's human.

was trying to down play it in front of the kids.

If you've wronged someone, and instead of apologising and explaining, then try to force them to pretend nothing serious has happened, don't be surprised if they get twice as angry.

The kerb-crawling thing was him pretending/really believing (it doesn't really matter which) that she had no reason to be angry, and she should admit this by forgiving him enough to get in the car. He was effectively trying to bully her into pretending there wasn't a problem. She doesn't have to calm down, just because he doesn't like her being angry.

Perhaps my 'musings' might give some perspective to the OP (and maybe even you bathtimefunkster) on whether or not she has been unreasonable. Which I believe is the very topic of this thread.

Still awaiting a response to whether or not IBU reasonable for a man to act the same way. Your silence on the subject speaks volumes BTW.

Having a big explosion of anger like this is not ideal but I think we can cut the OP some slack as someone who never usually loses their temper. What has happened is that a lot of stress and pressure has built up, maybe she is not in top form physically too, then something bad happens and all that pressure blows up. If she had been relatively unstressed and really healthy she would probably still have been upset but would have handled it better. Yes she needs to take this as a wake up call to manage her stress levels better and sort out her life problems if possible, but that doesn't mean she is wrong to feel her DH behaved badly. But it seems like a good chat when they have both calmed down might sort things out.

Bathtimefunkster: what would the focus be if a man had acted this way to his wife? Would the focus be on the poor wet cold husband or the wife and kids who had had objects thrown at them and their car kicked?

He was effectively trying to bully her into pretending there wasn't a problem. She doesn't have to calm down, just because he doesn't like her being angry.

Yy Theoretician, that's exactly it.

Hereford kicking a car and throwing a key aren't great, no. But it's a rather big leap to suggest divorce and criminal action would reasonably be advised .

She said her DH apologised in the op. She also said later on he was trying to apologise.

Sounds like she doesn't want to accept it to me. Why should he bother again.

Doesn't sound like much of an apology:-

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly

It sounds like he has very little understanding of her experience. If he's incapable of understanding, his apologies are worthless. He's not sorry for what he did, as he can't see what he did wrong, his apology is merely an attempt to manipulate her emotions so that he doesn't suffer the consequences.

Littlebearpad - I agree it is a great leap. But one taken repeatedly when men display such behaviour to their frmale spouses as demonstrated in many posts on MN.

Baghtimefunkster: Are you aware of what bullying actually is? How was he bullying the OP? Was her response proportionate or even legal? P.S im still awaiting a reply to my earlier question.

feel v sorry for u r dd tbh. You seem to be really piling on the guilt there.

"I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc"

So you wouldn't say that your a team then?

You seriously kicked a car and forgot about it? how old are you?

I think you've got the gist of this yourself OP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back because you are always the fixer, the coper, and you've finally reached your limit for being expected to calmly absorb every single issue in life, big or small.

I would not see the conversation you had with your DD as wrong. She unleashed the big gun (worryingly) and needed to know that has consequences. Far from putting 'conditions' on your love for her, I would see it as a chance to do the opposite and say that whatever she did you would never, ever say you didn't want her to be your DD because you love her no matter what, and that's why her saying it was so upsetting to you. (You may well have done this anyway.)

Could you take a break tomorrow and go and see a friend for the day, or for a long drive out even? I think something needs to change in relation to you always being there for everyone else and, consequently, now feeling like you are bottom of everyone's list.

"Forgiving him enouugh to get into the car"

And that's where we differ. I don't think getting into a car takes forgiveness. She could have still had her say, displayed her anger, even by getting into the car. Plus it would avoid the conflict in front of the kids.

Are they old enough to know it was a safe scenario for their mum to not get in the car? Can they differentiate when they display the same behaviour when something upsets them? I think it was a bad thing to teach a child.

Op, if the relationship is good, I'd accept DH apology, make your own, and have a nice Sunday tm.

If not, then I don't think its just about this.

Which doesn't make it the correct advice on those threads either Hereford

HerefordMum - in this context I would not consider the kicking of the car and throwing keys to be LTB worthy for either a man or a woman. There's one answer to your question, which you're getting quite obsessive about. Incidentally, what is your 'was OP's response proportionate or even legal?' comment about? Question the proportionality, maybe, but is kicking a car now illegal?

"I'm sorry, but..." is not an apology.

He essentially gave a non-apology, "I'm sorry you feel like I upset you".

In any case, it's getting a bit silly in this thread. Reverse hypothetical situations are all well and good, but it didn't happen like that.

I'd start focusing more on you make your DH start helping out a bit more. He isn't showing you much respect at the moment.