For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

[Homemadewhine]

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

I say this because it is an over reaction unless something else is going on. So if DH did this to me, I'd be cross then we would laugh about it. Then forget about it. It feels like it represents something more to you.

Oh gosh no! I'm very forthright, and tell DH often how he's fucking up. I'm no shy retiring lady! And I don't walk on eggshells. I do however have to keep dd in tight control as she is a handful, and ds is a baby and potty training. We also have animals, my gran here for a short while, I have my own business, and DH works full time. So we'rebusy, and life could be chaotic if I didn't stay on top of it all. That's what I meant

Surely, for the crime of driving off and leaving you (thoughtless rather than nasty?) you refusing to get into the car in front of your children is a massive overreaction?

I think if a disagreement plus resolution is going to occur, then fine, do it in front of the kids. If not, then you need to postpone it and deal with it later.

What was wrong with crying in the car and telling the kids you were sad cos you thought you had been left? Surely better than being violent and making DD think you are leaving her dad?

Which incidentally is a huge reaction to the first argument she has ever seen you have, and quite worrying that she seemingly isn't secure in her family stability.

I think DH messed up. But I'm afraid IMO the minute you refused to get in the car, it's you who behaved badly, and I think you owe a few apologies of your own.

There is something I am not getting here. Even if you were wet and annoyed, why did you not get in the car and ask what on earth had happened? Why did you end up throwing things? You say your feelings are not being understood, but I think it might help to be clear about what those feelings are. What are they?

I have just remembered a massive upset I had with DH where I had been waiting for him outside a cafe at a theme park with friends and their DC moved over the other side to play, so we were waiting on the other side of the door. He did not look that way and flipped out because we were not standing in the same place. He did not understand we had drifted over as the DC did and then refused to spend the rest of the day with our friends and all the DC as we were not taking into consideration what he wanted to do. From my perspective, our friends and their DC had travelled several hours to be with us, so the main thing was to patch things up and enjoy time with them. It did not happen; he stomped off. It was excruciatingly embarrassing and seemed to hinge on the fact that we had been waiting on the other side of the door than he expected. At that point, his reactions went beyond anything I could understand. I still think that upset was very little to do with me and my friend moving three foot to the other side of a door.

I don't want to psycho analyze you OP but I am going to anyway

You say you don't feel angry often. You also say that as a child you remember a "fear of arguments." Did you grow up in a home where anger was a taboo emotion? Or where people were displaying anger in inappropriate/violent ways?

Anger is just a feeling like all the others. Apologies if I have misjudged this.

They wouldn't have seen me kicking out, but they may well have seen me throw the door key at DH. I think it was thrown with the words "go away!, or leave me alone!" I wouldn't have sworn, he could have said "mummy's being silly" but he didn't. He said to dd, 'stop saying that (I can't remember what) I think mummy is really angry'

I have no real insight as to why i was so angry, except I just feel totally worthless I think. Like 'mummy won't mind' without actually wondering if indeed I will?

I think this chimes with me, not as an adult, but from my childhood memories.

I can't imagine this happening with DH, but I can totally imagine it with my parents.

Although if it had been my Dad it probably would have been done as a joke, and if my mum had had no coat on and had managed to walk all the way home before we found her, that would have been oversight.

He would even have done the kerb crawling thing, and probably encouraged us to lower our windows and tease her too.

But the moment he realised she was genuinely upset, he would have backed right off. He would have driven home and explained to us on the way back that our Mum was upset and that he had made a mistake and the joke wasn't funny.

And if I (and I might have, I was mouth almighty too :) ) had said something mean to my mother, I would have had HIM to deal with.

I think you feel betrayed because their behaviour says you are not allowed your feelings, that you are not a real person, but just there to be the butt of family jokes even when you're upset.

He made a mistake leaving you alone in the rain with no coat and no idea where they were.

He should have apologised straight away.

It doesn't take a genius to see why you are upset and that the people who love you should help you feel better and apologise for their part in that.

Can't read the whole thread but why did our dh drive off in the first place only to re-appear? It's odd even if you do live nearb, especially as the weather was crap. Your dh acted immaturely imho. Who goads kids like he did? You can tell mummy is angry because...blah, blah, blah. He sounds like a bit of a div. Your dd reacted the way she did in large because of your husband's inappropriate comments.

DH might well be a knob. Its hard to tell tbh.
But I don't think, that driving alongside your dW asking her to get in the car is actually "kerb crawling"
Lots of stress here. And a bit of denial I would say.

In answer some questions : I am happy yes :) not now, of course, but DH is my best friend and I feel one of the lucky ones.

I witnessed no violence growing up. Stable family life with no separation.

Dd is always wondering if we will split up. I remember feeling the same about my parents. It's something she has just learnt about, and realises it happens to friends etc. I think this is more why she worries, though I accept today's behaviour won't have helped.

I wouldn't get into a car to be driven 300 metres, even if I was not in need of some time to calm down.

I'm a bit perplexed that there are multiple people that think not obeying her husband's command to get into the car when she didn't want was unreasonable in any way.

Why would children think anything of that if their Dad hadn't keep on at her?

Bathtimefunkster, again. Thank you for understanding . I'm happy to hear I behaved badly. I accept I did, but I still like to find others who understand how this might have come about.

Look op, I think you sound like an amazing parent who takes care of everyone all of the time. You said that it is you who 'controls' (manages is maybe a more appropriate word) everyone's moods, tantrums etc. I know exactly what you mean by this and get the feeling that your dh gets an easy ride here (he is probably super busy at work and relaxes at home?). I think you need a break and you need to not always put up with everything. Your dh needs to also learn to detangle emotional situations in the family although I know guys are often not that great at it.

This situation on it's own may be a proverbial storm in a cup but it happened for a erase and I get the sense that you feel not cared for whilst you care for everyone (including granny) all of the time. You are emotionally exhausted and need to refuel holidays do that to us.

and to chill out! then start recharging emotionally.

I hope your dh gets the idea and shows you some love and care. X

How can you say you are happy but at the same time feel abandoned when someone is not where you expect; feel your feelings are not listened to and you feel worthless over one incident (doesn't add up to me); plus you need to do everything or it would be chaos... ..

Sounds like a total over reaction on your part op. Your husband might have been thoughtless but you lost it and threw things at him in such a bad mood that you blocked it from your memory?

I think you over reacted, your dh is an arse and should have not only calmed your dd down but explained how she was out of order to say what she did.
I also can't help thinking something else is wrong here, sorry. for you, hope you work it out.

Romney, it's just how my life is at the moment. As the dc grow up it won't be such chaos. Right now I feel my feelings are not listened to, and earlier I felt abandoned. These feelings are transient, and I rarely feel all of them at the same time.

Right now (if DH would say sorry and understand how I feel - I'm considering showing him this thread), I'd be happy again.

My moods fluctuate, and I am a positive person. I do not stay in a mood when I am upset, though I appreciate not everyone is like me.

Going off on a complete tangent from everyone else ... if this is the first time you have been angry in a long time, is your Grandmother staying relevant? It seems significant to me. Is she annoying, does she repress you?

Op, does your husband think that he told you that he was going to the car wash?

It just shows how different everyone is, doesn't it?

Op didn't know where anyone was, had to walk home & her husband was goading her!

I'd be furious & certainly wouldn't get into the bloody car!

Does he have form for "jokes"?

Are you going to apologise to DH?

I think there is very little which justifies you throwing things at someone.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

This especially seems like a huge overreaction to this situation unless something else is going on.

He doesn't sound like much of a best friend.

He made you really upset and angry.

When you do that to your best friend, particularly a best friend who is slow to anger, you just fucking apologise.

Why didn't he just leave you to walk home alone?

Why publicly harass you and make a scene in front of your children when the entire situation was of his making?

He sounds really unkind.

I have no real insight as to why i was so angry, except I just feel totally worthless I think.

OP, we all have a breaking point. It does sound like there is something else going on and tbh, your life does sound incredibly stressful. You can't even leave dh in charge for half an hour, without chaos ensuing? I'd find that incredibly frustrating! Stressfull too. Try to find some time out for yourself. We all need it, sometimes.

I have no real insight as to why i was so angry, except I just feel totally worthless I think.

OP, we all have a breaking point. It does sound like there is something else going on and tbh, your life does sound incredibly stressful. You can't even leave dh in charge for half an hour, without chaos ensuing? I'd find that incredibly frustrating! Stressfull too. Try to find some time out for yourself. We all need it, sometimes.

You shouted, cried, refused to get in the car and, and this is the worst, kicked the car and threw a key at him, in front of your children.

And instead of resolving this like adults, you and your DH ignored each other, you then told your daughter you were going to remain hurt by her to the end of the day!

You really need to sort this out properly. No matter what I had done, if my DH acted like that (and threw a sharp object at me in front of the DC) and I posted about it....well you can imagine can't you?!