For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

[Homemadewhine]

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

[Skatingfastonthinice]

I agree livegoldrings, and when things calm down a bit I'm sure that's what will happen.
Considering some of the dreadful, nasty and manipulative things I've read on MN that involve parents and their children, this is a very minor incident. Especially if the norm is that the parents get on and all is usually peaceful and consistent.

[BathtimeFunkster]

I agree with you, OP, that a seven year old needs to understand that her words have the power to upset people and that her mother has feelings that can be hurt.

I don't at all think that is "guilt tripping" her.

And it is not the case that she "didn't do anything wrong". She was extremely nasty to her own mother.

That is not OK, and she needs to learn that.

Understanding that your parents have feelings is not beyond a 7 year old.

I would have similar conversations with my 6 year old, and it has nothing to do with my "emotional neediness".

She's my child, I know her, and I think it is part of good parenting.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You do sound very upset still, OP.

I think this was an ill-conceived 'prank' by your husband. I don't believe for a minute that he would attempt to get the car washed in the rain and He could have done any number of things to amuse the children while you were in the chemists. If he thought you were going to be longer, he should have asked one of the children to nip in and see how long you were going to be and then sent them back in again to say they were going to drive for that length of time - and be back for you. Chemist was only 10m away, wasn't it?

I think he meant to jibe you and so he did. He's made excuses then to cover it up. That 'mummy's cross' now is a mean thing to do, he was trying to deflect your anger in front of the children so that you'd modify your 'fire' and be all calm by the time you got home.

I think your 7 year old needs reigning in and it sounds like you do a good job of that. Your husband should be supporting you in the 30 minutes that he has the children each day. Your daughter does sound a bit rude and knowing and her behaviour needs stepping on. I do think that you gave her too much information so I agree with other posters on that. She's 7 and immature and she doesn't need to know that you need love and comfort, she just needs reassurance that she is loved and that you were annoyed by her behaviour (spell it out) and instruct not to do that again or she will be punished. Goodnight kiss, lights out.

Is your son alright? Does your daughter compete with him for time and attention of her father? Maybe that's why she was showing off (and she was).

I hope your husband does properly apologise to you. Do not feel embarrassed for the way you feel but maybe acknowledge to yourself privately what those feelings are. It seems a little bit strong to say that you were abandoned by your family but that's obviously how you felt at the time. I'm sorry that your nice day out was spoiled.

[diddl]

if this ever happened to us, the very first thing that my husband would say would be "I'm so sorry I thought i'd have time to get the car washed"

easy enough to find out if they really did wash the car!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

GnomeDePlume Sat 03-Jan-15 19:40:51
An expression Ilearned from MiL which might be useful for your DD:
'I love you but right now I dont like you very much.'

Absolutely agree with this from GnomeDePlume.

The posters critiquing OP's parenting should really shut up. It's one thing to say that you'd do it differently but Amantes, your post at 1943 is several steps too far and who made you the patron saint of parents? I'd rather have 'St Jude' guiding me.

[Homemadewhine]

DH cannot see what he did was wrong. He wants to know if I'm sorry for kicking his car and throwing things at him. Tbf I'd totally forgotten about that. I also know that I lifted my foot and told him I'd kick his car if he didn't leave me alone, but I did throw my key at him to make him go away. I am ashamed I did that, I must have been really angry by then. He just wouldn't leave me alone. I have walked away from him now because I'm just getting upset again and he obviously believes I'm overreacting.

I am very sorry my children saw this. They never have before and I won't let it happen again. I NEVER belittle my children's feelings though. If they are honestly upset, we hug and work through it. We don't do the 'stop being silly and get in the car', it's not my parenting style. Ds is a quiet soul. Dd gets almost all of the attention. I have to remind her to let ds speak or get some attention as I am worried about his behaviour growing up, so I doubt she'd feel in competition with him.

There is nothing in my way of parenting that means dd thinks my love is conditional. She knows I love her, and I tell her always that it is her behaviour I do not like. However if the snapshot I gave you makes you think that then fair enough. I can't argue that perception you have, and I will consider it further.

I agree it's a storm in a tea up, but for some reason my feelings seem unimportant, and I don't know why.

Wrt the control element: I said it in the hope I could lighten the mood of the thread later on, to show what happened when I stepped out of my life for 30 minutes. It was utter chaos, and maybe in a while, once I've sorted my gran out, I shall tell you all. DH was out of control with the children tonight. Which is why I stepped back in. To have gone to a pub to stew would not have been my style at all. I expected this to all blow over :(

[IrianofWay]

He made an error of judgement. You overreacted a bit and upset your DD. You should have got in the car and found out what had happened before getting narky

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

Well that's a massive drip feed

[Homemadewhine]

Dd's best friend comes from a separated family unit, dd has only just realised her friends dad isn't "at work" when she visits, and I guess this bothers her. Yes I totally agree that she was trying to smooth things over, but her unkindness, and it was unkindness, was the final straw for me today.

As I have just explained to DH, I went to do a favour for someone today. When I came out I was alone, with no explanation. I walked home wondering wtf was going on, then he pulled up and told me to get in the car, which I declined. I was then teased unmercifully for 300m, and whilst that is only a tiny drive, and barely worth getting in the car for, it is a long way if you're getting jibes from those you love, and who you thought loved you. I was then attacked further by dd, which DH must have been aware of (she's not quiet about planning what she wants to say), and made to feel unreasonable. Even when I went upstairs to get away I was told off by DH for causing dd to be upset, and told I should deal with it.

I of course did, she's my daughter, but I don't see why he, who caused this whole upset in the first place, couldn't ave taken some control and explained why I might have been upset, but then...liven that he still doesn't understand it, maybe he couldn't speculate.

[Cornettoninja]

I do think it's been blown out of proportion, and while I appreciate where your coming from wrt your daughter I do feel sorry for her. I agree it sounds like it was a much bigger deal from her perspective and beyond her abilities to intervene. I might be projecting but I well remember that awful twist in the pit of my stomach when my parents argued. I know it's good for children to see arguments resolved but in practice they don't always get to see that bit till some time has passed. That wait can be excruciating and truthfully it doesn't sound like she's seen any adult resolution yet.

Ywnbu to be pissed off and annoyed op, but nows the time to take back some control and remind both yourself and your dh that you have an audience now and the pettiness can't be drawn out. He can be sorry for for an unintended consequence as you can be for losing your cool and kicking his car.

Neither of you behaved well and point scoring is only prolonging things surely?

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you say this is the first time you've been really angry. Have you wanted to show your anger in the past, but repressed it?

[Cornettoninja]

Oh and maybe child locks on in the car eh?

[Homemadewhine]

Not a drip feed yesidid; I'd honestly not remembered doing this, and it is totally out of character for me. I don't react like that to anything, he must have been really going for it to make me lose my temper, as opposed to just being cross. I posted here telling you exactly as it is, so you can reevaluate your judgements of the situation in the light of this information. Maybe DH is right that I'm overreacting. I honestly don't know anymore. It all feels like something and nothing, but I can't understand why I feel so upset and betrayed.

I didn't get in the car because I was close to home, and because by then it was obvious there was no emergency like I'd imagined, nor was there an apology for not being in the carpark waiting for me.

[littleleftie]

I would be really upset and angry too - he was taking the piss out of you. He won't even apologise. He sounds like a total bastard to me.

[maddy68]

I don't know. You indicated you would be a while, he nipped to get the car washed. He probably thought he would be back before you came out.


He should have told you , but no intention of being a bastard I don't think

[2minsofyourtime]

Honestly op, I don't understand how you dh thought he would:-

Not bother to tell you beforehand that he was going to wash the car, he must have had the intention to do this before you got out the car, even if he just had the idea could he not have popped in the chemist to tell you.

2) how on earth did he think he would have enough time to wash a car whilst you waited for a prescription. Surely he would have to have driven some where to wash it and then driven back.

Yanbu to be upset

[Homemadewhine]

No imperial, , I honestly don't get massively angry. I get irritated or annoyed, but anger isn't something I feel often. Maybe it's because I have some kind of block to stop this happening, or maybe it's because I'm not often in situations where I could get angry. I don't know.

I can see how for dd this was frightening. I can, and I remember the fear of arguments as a child. At the same time though, to intervene and generally join in with being mean was not acceptable in my book. And maybe we disagree with parenting, but I will NOT allow my child to speak to anyone like that, particularly when they are already upset. That is not a behaviour trait I want her to think is ever acceptable,

[ChasedByBees]

I think it was utterly thoughtless and I would also be very upset. I'm surprised your DH doesn't get it. It shows an utter lack of consideration or thought for you.

[Iggly]

It sounds like there's simmering resentment - you keep the calm, uou do most of the parenting I bet etc etc but don't let your DH. All to keep the peace.

Are you really happy?

[MinceSpy]

Your husband was wrong and abusive to leave you to walk home. You were wrong to upset your children it's not their fault their father is a prick.
Is he normally so horrible and do you really want to stay with him? What was his excuse for his shit behaviour.

[2minsofyourtime]

I second iggly do you not argue because you are always trying to keep the peace and walk on eggshells

[Homemadewhine]

He has apologised in part. He didn't mean to leave me there. He thought I knew because when I was talking to him about whether he was coming n with me etc, he was saying 'get out, get out, get out' in jokey way. he then drove off. He thought I'd noticed. But I hadn't. And even if I had, I'd have been just as upset at that point, as I would not have been expecting it.

He also didn't realise i was upset later when he did the kerb crawling. Whilst I accept this to be true initially, I obviously didn't hide it later on, and yet he continued all the way home. That hurts.

He has still failed to understand this. And yes, now I'm really upset. He is a wanker tonight.

[diddl]

So if he thought he would have time to wash the car, why didn't he say so when he found OP?

Why take the piss/crawl alongside telling her to get in when she had said no?

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

OP, did your DC see you throwing things at your dh and kicking out? Maybe your dh was trying to minimise your behaviour 'silly mummy' etc, to protect your DC from what sounds to be a highly unusual outburst of anger and aggression?