For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

[Homemadewhine]

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

[diddl]

I thought that he did do this sort of thing as this is in the op; "I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me,"

[Icimoi]

AussieMum, she did wait, inasmuch as she walked around the car park and looked behind buildings - given that she also had to wait for the prescription, there was more than enough time for something like a child's visit to the loo.

Soup dragon, whilst I accept that the husband clearly isn't a nasty git, he was to say the least thoughtless. He had no reason to believe OP thought he was getting the car washed since he hadn't mentioned it, and if he didn't realise that kerb crawling and making arsey comments to the children about Mummy being angry would wind her up he's pretty dim.

[Starlightbright1]

I have read this thread..It sounds like your DH was thoughtless when he went to wash the car ..in the rain ..why I don't know... However you lost the moral high ground when you threw stuff at the car and kicked it when DC were in the car.

[jamdonut]

Seriously, have none of you ever washed a car when its raining???? I don't really see a problem with that.

I think he was thoughtless to go off without telling you.
I would have been furious, and very upset. But , it wouldn't have stopped me getting in the car, I feel that was a very petulant thing to do. So I guess I think you were being a little bit unreasonable.
To be fair that wouldn't happen to me, because my DH doesn't drive...I am the sole taxi driver in our family, so I empathise with how you feel about being the person who seems to do everything for everyone else.

[Rinoachicken]

I think you sound like you like to be in control of things, the home, the kids, your emotions.

In this instance, you lost control of yourself in response to what was admittedly an ill-thought out change of plan by your DH. But I think your response to it was very disproportionate.

I think it's this loss of control of yourself which is bothering you more tbh, and I think the fact that you slipped into such a rage that you later couldn't even remember doing things is something you need to think about, along with why it is that you feel it is important to repress anger all the time, which is not healthy.

If you have never shown anger before then it's not very surprising that your DP was at a bit of a loss how to react and you have said yourself he was trying to defuse it by telling your DD not to say things because you were upset.

I also think that your perception of his response may be slightly distorted by your anger here if, as you say, he's normally a caring and considerate husband and you have a happy marriage. There have been 'clarifications' of your OP in this thread so you'll have I forgive me for thinking that just maybe your DH is being misrepresented here (although yes he was a bit shortsighted).

I think your disproportionate anger reaction, the length of time you are holding into his anger and your idea that anger is something that should be repressed are the real problems here.

[Rinoachicken]

holding onto this

[Bakeoffcakes]

He was thoughtless to leave you in the rain, he should have told you where he was. However I'm sure he didn't do it maliciously as you say he's usually a lovely H.

I can understand why you were initially very peed off, as you walked home in the rain, but to start kicking the car, to throw a key at someone is waaaaaay over the top.

I don't think there is ever any excuse for violence against someone else. Especially infront of children.

I really think you need to apologise to each other and to tell your children.

[XiCi]

The way you describe your relationship contradicts the actual examples and events you describe which makes me wonder how clearly you see your life and whether you just brush things under the carpet and close your eyes to them

You say you never argue but then later say it is always up to you to apologise for any bickering. So you do argue, it's just that you choose to call it bickering.

You say he is your best friend but his actions do not support this. What he did was awful and cruel. To knowingly leave you in the rain to walk home then taunt you with arsehole comments are not the actions of someone who loves you. I can't think of a single person in my life that would do this to me. If my DH had made the mistake of mistiming a car wash he would be so apologetic. And fwiw from your account I dont think it was a mistake. He just sounds like he doesn't give a shiny shit about your feelings.

I think you need to start being honest with yourself about your relationship. You have every right to be furious with him and the fact he refuses to apologise knowing how upset he made you speaks volumes

[petalsandstars]

I would have absolutely flipped in your situation too and think his unwillingness to understand means that actually he does get it - but if he says so he'll have to admit that he is in the wrong.

No way could I let it go as that shows a basic lack of respect. Hopefully he's come to his senses today.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I think you sound like you like to be in control of things, the home, the kids, your emotions.

There is nothing wrong with being in control; and reacting badly when someone abandons you, without coat, phone or notice when five minutes earlier all was sweet and light. Unless the OP is a mindreader, or has sonar capabilities or a fantastic resistance to the cold and rain, it's no wonder she flipped to be honest. And then to taunt her, and wind her up, is still as I first said , cuntish behaviour.

[slithytove]

I think XiCi has it right

[Silkchiffon]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in control as long as you accept that you can't always have that control and, more to the point in op's case, that your whole sense of self isn't bound up in having other people's respect and approval.

[TendonQueen]

I think it sounds like other people expect the OP to be in control. To the point where she is now regarded as some kind of robot who doesn't have feelings, or is being troublesome if she shows any.

[IHeartChristmasMoomies]

I have read the full thread and OP YANBU. Your DH sounds thoughtless. He can't even bring himself to say he's 'sorry you feel like that' can he?

I agree with XiCi here. My DH just wouldn't do this. And if he did, it would be a clear misunderstanding and he would apologise. I wouldn't have to break down in tears for him to still ignore I was upset!

[MrsMcColl]

Another vote here for XiCi's analysis.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

"I think it sounds like other people expect the OP to be in control"

As Tendon said.

[Silkchiffon]

Other people expect the op to be in control because she has always taken control. This is a trap a lot of people fall into in relationships - they take charge of the home and family because it suits their need to control and to be a bit of a martyr but they, and their OH, don't realise there's a price to be paid.

As long as everyone is giving back gratitude the 'control' person will be happy to suck up any amount of work and responsibility but when they slip the person will feel used and wonder what the hell it's all been for.

[IrianofWay]

silk - I concur. That is me. Sadly. I have only just begun to understand all this.

[Coyoacan]

I think Silkchiffon has probably hit the nail on the head.

[duplodon]

I think people need to be careful about crying 'martyr' when talking about a woman who is playing a pretty socially accepted role of managing certain elements of the domestic sphere suddenly questioning that set up. Women are programmed more or less from birth even now to be people-pleasing, efficient domestically, putting others first, yet step out of role and they will be termed 'controlling martyrs' for taking that moment's pause to take a look at what they've fallen into and think, wtaf?

[Romeyroo]

I also agree with XiCi; there is a disconnect between the happy couple who never argue/great husband and father picture and the details of OPs posts which suggest she does and resolves everything

fWIW, and I am not applying this necessarily to OP, it is just a thought -if you do everything and the expectation is that you will do everything, whilst being sweetness and light, then I think you can end up with things quite highly controlled, because it is like a house of cards- if you remove one card, the whole lots falls; or a better analogy, keeping several plates spinning, you can't take your eyes off them or the whole lot crashes.

I also think there may be something in that keeping the plates spinning may be one part of an unconscious bargain; the other half being in return I get, and believe come heaven and high water that I have, a great marriage and husband.

[Romeyroo]

Come hell and high water, of course

[TendonQueen]

Good point duplodon & quietbat. The husband's reaction was that of someone who expects the other person to crack first and make everything ok again and can't countenance anything upsetting that pattern.

[Coyoacan]

I think people need to be careful about crying 'martyr' I understand what you are saying and personally hate professional martyrs, but I don't think Silkchiffon meant it in that sense. At least, I identified so readily with the OP's angry walk in the cold rain, and that resentment is most likely based on a feeling of martyrdom. And when you get that feeling it probably means you are doing more than you are really happy to do.