For the first time in forever I am angry. And DH thinks iabu

[Homemadewhine]

I should tell you at we have been married for 9 years, have a 7yr old dd, and a 2 yr old ds. We rarely argue. I do most things around the home, and am even tempered. I also control the issues in our family, be they children's tantrums, knowing when ds needs to use the potty, sorting out dinner etc. DH is a lovely husband and father.

Today we were coming back from an afternoon out, and on the way back through town we needed to stop off whilst DH first posted a parcel, and then at a chemist for me to pick up a prescription for my gran who is staying with us for a few weeks.

We stopped in the carpark of the chemist, I nipped in to pick up the prescription, and when I came out DH and the car (and children) were gone. I had no coat, it was raining, and it's about 15 minutes walk to home. No one had indicated that they were going anywhere.

I walked around the carpark and looked behind buildings in case they were playing a joke on me, then started my walk home. About 300m from home dh pulled up. I told him I was upset and didn't want to get in the car with him.

The children were shouting to me out of the window and I skied and waved at them. DH kerb crawled beside me until we got home saying things to the children like "mummy's REALLY angry this time you can tell by her walk, and the way she swings her arms" dd was shouting at me to "stop being silly and just get in"

Dd then got out of the car and shouted at me, telling me I was silly to care about being left, that I was an adult and could get home so what was the problem. When I told her I was upset she told me that we didn't want me to be her mummy any more. I admit to losing my cool at this point and telling her to leave me alone. I didn't shout this, but I did say it loudly and firmly. DH then tried to get me to engage in what we were sorting everyone outfor tea. I got it all out of the freezer and said I was going upstairs.

Dd was upset with me being angry at DH, and still cannot understand why I am upset, she cannot stop crying and DH did nothing to comfort her.

I have calmed her down, and brought her down for dinner as DH felt it was my issue to resolve. I was annoyed at this too, as at 7 dd should really understand that her words have an effect, and she cannot say upsetting things to people when they are already upset, and then expect that person to be there for them when they need them.

DH still feels I am being unreasonable. He has apologised reluctantly. I am surprisingly tearful over this.

I feel as though I give all of myself to others, make agoodjob of communicating my thoughts, intentions and feelings and am completely abandoned by my family because they fancied doing something better.

Aibu? I am able to take criticism, like I say I am rarely upset or emotional about things.

[slithytove]

Yes, you don't sound like a team. I really do believe your reaction was disproportionate to his crime.

Until one assumes that you do everything and resent it. The favours you do for others, the waiting that you did for DH parcel but he wouldn't wait for you. Dare I suggest you martyr yourself to parenthood/wife hood and its all getting a bit much?

Do you get any time for yourself? Do others in the family make the same effort you do?

[slithytove]

Maybe he can't understand how you feel. I'm not sure you do yourself.

Was his apology an "I'm sorry but" as stated upthread by pp? Or was it an "I don't understand but I'm sorry I hurt and upset you"?

[Tanith]

HerefordMum, your question was answered ages ago. Perhaps you might like to go back and read it and then give it a rest

Op, you've had an awful day where you acted out of character because you were pushed. It must seem like a bad dream. See how you feel after a good night's sleep - it'll be different tomorrow - but make sure you don't allow it to be brushed under the carpet because your feelings are important.

[Icimoi]

The problem is, Hereford, that you also are minimising the husband's conduct. This isn't just a matter of him driving off and miscalculating his timing versus her throwing keys and kicking at the car; the most important aspect is his conduct when he caught up with her. The appropriate reaction would have been to apologise sincerely and explain what happened. Instead he chose to kerb crawl, make inflammatory mocking comments, and wind up the 7 year old till she joined him.

So yes, if roles were reversed, I would certainly condemn that behaviour if the wife had exhibited it.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

This incident sounds like 'the straw that broke the camels back'. From your other posts, things really don't sound that wonderful. You say yourself that you do the bulk of the housework and childcare, and that it's down to you to pacify him when you argue. He was probably waiting upstairs for you to get on with that. Read through these comments and have a good think about what you have shared here. Are you genuinely happy most of the time?

And why are people equating kicking the car with domestic violence? I threw a fork into the cutlery tray from across the room this evening. Do I need to turn myself in?

[BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney]

sounds like this was a final straw.

there seems to be several references to him not considering your feelings.

saying "get out, get out..."

driving off with no consideration of the fact you had no coat, in the rain in winter with an up hill walk. he would have seen you had no coat as you got out the car. he knows you have no phone as it is broken?

he knew you were angry... after all he said to dd you were angry

he would not leave you alone when you asked.

he does not apologise generally and you fix the arguments.

he puts his mum's feelings and considerations in front of yours on a regular basis.

he takes no responsibility for his part in the upset of your dd.

he goads you when you are already upset in front of your dcs

he allows/does not discipline dd when she mouths off at you.

he tells you off for something that although you had a part in he inflamed and contributed to greatly.

from what your dd said, I suspect he had told her you were an adult and could manage to get yourself home... but that is just a guess.

sounds like you do everything to keep the whole show on the road and people have forgotten that you are a human being with feelings and a limit to the amount you can take on. someone somewhere needs to lighten the load and responsibilities need to be shared out a bit more. I also think that you are not getting the emotional support you need.

[Coyoacan]

Sorry, nothing new to say her, but OP you have my entire sympathy. The idea of such a long walk in the January rain without a coat... I too would have felt extremely sorry for myself and seen red when I saw my husband nice and smug in the car. But I am naturally more peevish than you seem to be.

I hope the car and keys are not going to sue you.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I have to agree I would have been really pissed off if my dh had done this.
I hope today is better OP.

[Aussiemum78]

My dh frequently does the "nip to get petrol while AM shops". It's in a quest for efficiency lol. I just wait or keep shopping - he's never far away. 10 minutes maybe. I wouldn't walk home in the rain though, seems petulant to me. You could have asked the store to call home for you, got a taxi, called a friend and said there was a mixup and you got separated.

I think that you got so angry immediately and chose the worst option for you (walking home in cold) is really like some martyr self hatred.

And he also got cranky after coming back and searching for you? Then when he finds you, before you even know what happened you get angry?

It all seems silly. For all you knew, there was some kind of emergency, or a traffic officer or just a plain mix up.

[herintheredskirt]

I think it's the minimizing that is the really hurtful thing here. Individually, none of the elements of what happened are too bad, but put all together with your husband taunting and then blaming you, it is quite horrible.

[SoupDragon]

Didn't take my phone into the chemist with me! I wasn't expecting to need it.

It's not relevant really, but I don't have a phone at the moment.

Makes me wonder what other things are misrepresented.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ah, if only he had said he would get the car washed.
But maybe it just seemed like madness to wait outside the chemist for 10-15 minutes with two children in the car. My toddler would not have coped well with that tbh.
So when op said that she would have to wait it might have sounded like an invitation to go and do something to fill the time.

[Mrsstarlord]

Haven't RTFT but picked up a general gist. OP YABU, the way you have described your behaviour reminds me of a very cringeworthy paddy I had whilst a drunken teenager - still embarrassing over 20 years later. Difference being you did it in front of your kids. Kicking the car and throwing keys - and then coming on MN to complain about your DH? (Who incidentally was a bit unreasonable but you really trumped him in that department!

[Skatingfastonthinice]

'My dh frequently does the "nip to get petrol while AM shops". It's in a quest for efficiency lol. I just wait or keep shopping - he's never far away. '

So you expect him to, it's not a surprise. If I mislay my DH he's usually in a bookshop wth his phone turned off, but after 30 years I expect that.
My children are adults now, and they have learned that if you upset someone without meaning to, the first thing you do is apologise and then later you might explain and say you think they over-reacted. But you apologise first, because you didn't mean them to be distressed.
People who are upset often behave out-of-character, and at 7 and confident and opinionated, the OP's daughter should be able to understand that when everything calms down.

[Theoretician]

I just wait or keep shopping

You seem to have missed that she had no reason to think he was coming back. Given this was in walking distance of home, the most likely explanation for him not being there was that he'd gone home without her, leaving her to walk home in rain and cold without a coat.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He sounds like a nasty git.

[Ebony69]

'Nasty git' - It's amazing how the husband's whole character can be judged on this one scenario. I find this often on MN. The OP has indicated that overall, he's a good husband and that this is not the sort of thing he's ever done before. She also accepts that her aggression in front of their daughter was inappropriate. As such, I wouldn't label her as violent. A cliche, I know, but good people do bad things sometimes. This has been blown out of all proportion.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He does sound like a nasty git.

[SoupDragon]

Given this was in walking distance of home, the most likely explanation for him not being there was that he'd gone home without her, leaving her to walk home in rain and cold without a coat.

That is only the most likely explanation if the OPs marriage is shit. She claims they are like best friends and never argue.

[SoupDragon]

He does sound like a nasty git.

No, he sounds like someone who didn't think.
He sounds like someone who thought the Op knew he was getting the car washed
He sounds like someone who didn't think she would stomp off home and throw things at the car.

They all sound like a lot of things but it is impossible to tell really.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Well I think he sounds like a nasty git.

[paperlace]

Do you think he sounds like a nasty git, JohnFarley?

[Ebony69]

JFR - outside of this example ( and I think you've chosen to ignore the finer details provided by the OP which give more perspective) what other evidence do you have for your assessment of the OP's husband's character? I know I've taken one particular action in my life that I'm not proud of which I'm glad my DH has not chosen to charcterise me by because he can put it into context with my general attitude and behaviour .

[Aussiemum78]

Why, unless he's a jerk, would the op jump to the assumption he abandoned her in the rain? Why not wait a while in case he took a child to the toilet, or another unforeseen scenario?

Unless he regularly does this to hurt you, then he is a jerk!

[Ebony69]

But that's my point, Aussie. The OP has stated that he does not do this kind of thing. Obviously if it was a pattern of behaviour, then I would agree that he is a 'jerk'.