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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out and leave dh to it?

252 replies

whininganddining · 02/01/2015 23:12

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/01/2015 10:17

Diddl, I haven't got the impression that BIL expects OP to keep all her weekends free in case they turn up that particular weekend. That would be a crazy demand and completely unreasonable. But that is not what's happening here. I'm reading it as the OP wants an exact itinerary to do with their visit, and that no-one else wants to work like that/CAN work like that.

But seeing as the OP hasn't been back to update us we won't know what has happened. I'm starting to wonder if this is one of those very clever troll posts - OP posts an AIBU and puts it in such a way that he/she knows will get opposing answers, and then leaves us all to argue amongst ourselves about which is "right" while he/she fails to provide enough info/updates to clarify pertinent details.

So on that note, I'm not bothering anymore. Wonder how long this thread will carry on going round and round in circles for?!

UptheChimney · 04/01/2015 10:19

What is the fecking problem?!?!! Not one person on here has made me think that you have a point

Wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work, wife work.

CinnabarRed · 04/01/2015 10:24

But there's nothing in OP's posts that suggest that her DH is expecting her to get on with the Wifework of the BIL's visit. Quite the opposite - he's be quite happy to sort it all once they've arrived. It's the OP who's making it into a big deal because she's the only one who actually gives two hoots about it. She happens to be female, but I don't see anything to suggest this is a gender issue.

BadtzMaru · 04/01/2015 10:38

I know how you feel OP, my PILs have a habit of making loose plans to visit us and then ringing to say they are actually on the way, last time a day earlier than expected. I had kept the following evening free for them but had plans for the one when they arrived so I did the same as you and went out anyway leaving DH to deal with feeding them etc while also looking after DD.

diddl · 04/01/2015 12:00

"Diddl, I haven't got the impression that BIL expects OP to keep all her weekends free in case they turn up that particular weekend."

Neither have I!

If someone said to me "I'll see you next weekend & stay a night", I'd want to know when so that I could plan what to do for the rest of the weekend.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 04/01/2015 12:17

Precisely diddl but apparently thats unreasonable to some.

I do wonder how anyone on MN ever meets friends, goes out for lunch or has family gatherings given its so unreasonable to ask someone what day/ time they will be arriving Confused Grin

Anyway hands up who is guest-ready ! Grin

justmyview · 04/01/2015 12:21

Has OP disappeared ...........?

TheWordFactory · 04/01/2015 12:34

Who but OP expects the house to be 'guest ready' ? Certainly not her DH or BIL.

There's no suggestion that anyone expects anything other than to see one another.

Bonsoir · 04/01/2015 13:16

I'm with the OP - few things annoy me more than people wandering in and out of my home (that I am given the responsibility of managing...) without my being properly consulted or given useful advance warning. It is colossally rude and inconsiderate and a major invasion of personal space.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/01/2015 13:45

I got the impression that BIL does expect it to be "guest-ready" - arriving with shirt on hanger and flowers. Different families do things differently but in mine we definitely get the house guest-ready even if it's "only" my DF - I change the sheets only just before he comes (cats/hairy duvet otherwise),
put a clean towel on his bed, a glass and water bottle next to the bed, that kind of thing. Given that our "spare" room is actually the kids' playroom it takes a while to get it something approximating a bedroom too! But that's not what would wind me up, so much as not knowing which day/weekend until almost the last minute. My life is too busy for that to be a regular thing.

CinnabarRed · 04/01/2015 13:48

But she did know the day and weekend weeks in advance, she said so! She just didn't know the exact time.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/01/2015 13:56

I'd like her to come back and clarify that TBH as the OP is a bit unclear - her beef seems to be that it's more like he's bought an option on several weekends and then confirms which one at the very last minute. I agree it's not so bad if she does know which one, just not what exact time (with a long journey by car you'd be lucky to get a time right anyway!)

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/01/2015 13:57

Here's the bit that makes me think that: "So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives"

I know she also says "so they're coming this weekend" etc but it maybe she means they only just confirmed that it was this weekend iYSWIM. That's how I took it anyway.

CinnabarRed · 04/01/2015 13:58

Yes, agreed.

UptheChimney · 04/01/2015 14:27

I change the sheets only just before he comes (cats/hairy duvet otherwise),
put a clean towel on his bed, a glass and water bottle next to the bed, that kind of thing

Indeed. And this takes time, and more than that, thought: that is the "wife work" the OP's Dh seems to expect her to do. Will the OP's DH do this for his brother?

What about the thread in here a few days ago where the OP was asking wheter she WBU to expect that she would have clean sheets when staying at her in-laws?

TiggyD · 04/01/2015 15:52

You better come back OP and tell us what happened!

Mintyy · 04/01/2015 16:04

Most shocking thing about this thread is the number of posters who think op is making a fuss over nothing and it takes no time at all to get a house ready for guests.

Actually, its probably true that having easy-going guests like op's bil, takes very little time to prepare for.

By WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK is it op and not her dp, who should be changing beds and getting a little bit of extra shopping in?

I sometimes cannot believe my eyes when I read these domestic responsibilities threads on Mumsnet.

Hope you've had a cracking day op.

RandomNPC · 04/01/2015 16:17

I think OP ate too many chips and fell in the sea, she's not been back.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/01/2015 16:17

Totally agree Mintyy. I'm a terrible one for making wife work for myself (sending out class Christmas cards on behalf of all the DC and the like) but at least my DH would totally do all this kind of stuff, especially if it were his own brother and it were last minute (in fact, last summer his DB did come last minute to stay and DH just did it all - I was going out and he just got on with it, no discussion).

But the feeling I get from the "is it OK just to leave DH to it", is that her DH doesn't/wouldn't. Anyway I am getting far too over-invested in this one (resonates for me as MIL is terrible at last-minute shilly shallying causing needless complications) - hoping OP might come back and clarify and let us know how she got on!

prettywhiteguitar · 04/01/2015 16:44

Yup leave the dh to sort his brother out, they sound like a couple of teenagers

HicDraconis · 04/01/2015 16:44

Thing is, OP knew they were coming this weekend. Not exactly when, but knowing they'll arrive at some point on the Saturday, stay over and leave at some point on the Sunday.

What difference does it make knowing they'll arrive at 10am, 2pm, etc? They'll still need snacks / wine if that's what she feels they should have in, they'll still need clean sheets on the bed, they'll still need dinner that night or a table booking somewhere, breakfast things the next morning etc etc. I honestly don't see what the issue is.

And it's beyond rude to know that you have guests that weekend and then decide to go and do something else with someone else just because you're pissed off with how it was or wasn't organised.

Mintyy · 04/01/2015 16:46

"What difference does it make knowing they'll arrive at 10am, 2pm, etc? They'll still need snacks / wine if that's what she feels they should have in, they'll still need clean sheets on the bed, they'll still need dinner that night or a table booking somewhere, breakfast things the next morning etc etc. I honestly don't see what the issue is."

The issue is is that OP wants her dh to make all those things happen and has gone out to leave him to it.

HicDraconis · 04/01/2015 16:48

She didn't need to go out though, did she? She knew people were visiting and decided to go out somewhere else which in my book is rude.

All she needed to do was stay home and do nothing. Be smiley, chatty and when DH says "where are the XYZ dear?" say "oh, didn't you get any? better pick some up on the way home from dinner then" or words to that effect.

Mintyy · 04/01/2015 16:52

In my book it isn't rude. If its all as casual and laidback as everyone is suggesting, and there are no formal plans in place, she isn't being rude by not being in at the time of the great arrival. She is just making sure that her dh does any entertaining/catering without assuming she'll do it.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 04/01/2015 16:56

Why is it rude? Just because OP lacks a Y chromosome that doesn't make her the default host responsible for being nice to everyone. If she wants to go out with similarly short notice and leave her DH to his social duties she should.