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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out and leave dh to it?

252 replies

whininganddining · 02/01/2015 23:12

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 04/01/2015 17:26

The thing about the 'no one expects her to get the house ready' is that every other time they have visited OP HAS got the house ready. Has BIL or DH actually experienced a visit where the house isn't prepared? It's easy to say they're easy going and laid back and don't care if i's never been something to deal with. If everyone is so laid back and doesn't mind it's not so bloody difficult to tell OP so she doesn't feel stressed.

UptheChimney · 04/01/2015 17:37

By WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK is it op and not her dp, who should be changing beds and getting a little bit of extra shopping in?

My thoughts exacly, Minty

diddl · 04/01/2015 17:40

"asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc."

maybe Op wants to do it?

but really it's simple, isn't it?

No notice, nothing gets done by OP?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/01/2015 18:11

Planners and players-by-ear often grate each other the wrong way. I have a LOT of experience with this Grin but am not yet divorced so I think we are working through our differences Grin

At the same time it should not be up to A Wife to cater to, prepare for and wait on A Husband or his family. Wifework indeed.

MrBisinbother · 04/01/2015 18:23

Perhaps we should call the coastguards Grin

TiggyD · 04/01/2015 19:31

Let's just assume OP is dead and move on.

Mintyy · 04/01/2015 20:33

NO!!! I want to hear about the dog walking and the fish and chips, and what bil and dp were up to when she got home. I don't just want it, I demand it!

mix56 · 05/01/2015 07:55

I want to know how it went too
1, when she got back she had to run around like an idiot getting bed made etc
2, everyone had gone out on a walk/pub/cinema & she was left flummoxed
3, O so cool OH went off on hissy fit/sulk/
4, everyone smiled & said how was your day ?

I expect it was option 1.

Jengnr · 05/01/2015 08:07

I think she was bang out of order. She knew she had guests coming but because she didn't have the exact time early enough she threw her toys out and made alternative plans. Not on at all.

I'd be furious if I was your partner and would never behave like that towards mine.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/01/2015 08:18

But this isn't a one-off. This had been going on for years and her husband has repeatedly chosen to ignore her requests to get earlier notice about when the guests will be arriving. His actions show complete disregard toward his wife and that he doesn't care how she feels about descending guests. That says a lot about how he sees their relationship or how he views his wife.

The OP definitely did the right thing - she's showing him that she won't tolerate it anymore. She has obviously spoken to her husband about it numerous times over the years but he had chosen to simply ignore her. I would have done the exact same thing on her position to show DH I wasn't a mug and I was fed up with him being so selfish.

SaucyMare · 05/01/2015 12:41

but why do her wishes trump his, why is her desire for more notice more important than his desire NOT for notice?

Bonsoir · 05/01/2015 12:57

Because it is polite to give people notice and rude not to do so. People need to be able to make plans, not just wait around for others to pitch up as and when.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/01/2015 12:57

Because, Saucy, one of the wishes is rude and inconvenuient (his) one is not.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2015 13:02

I get extremely cross when men expect catering/hosting/housework associated with visitors to be magicked out of thin air either before or after the event at extremely short notice. It is a particularly insidious form of sexism.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/01/2015 13:49

I completely agree with Bonsoir.

People who are all 'oh I'm so laid back I can't possibly make plans', only manage to live their lives because somebody somewhere isn't being laid back and is facilitating their attitude. Mostly it is women who are doing the facilitating.

SaucyMare · 05/01/2015 14:19

no they aren't Alibaba, my my OH and i survived quite well not planning for many years (before kids).

neither of use were the planners so i know nobody was picking up the slack.

BakewellSlice · 05/01/2015 14:20

When I visit my sister bil might be out. It's not a problem as long as someone's in!

If it makes OP happier to get out of an irritating (to her) situation, the in-laws won't be bothered.. unless they do expect "hosting".

Pyjamaramadrama · 05/01/2015 14:26

Late to this thread so sorry if. This has been said.

I think it depends whether your dh expects you to play hostess.

It's his brother so he can change the bed, hoover and sort out the food. Unless nobody really cares about that stuff but you.

TheFriar · 05/01/2015 14:32

I agree with Bonsoir. It's just rude.

The difference between arriving at 10.00am or at 2.00pm is that in one case lunch needs to be ready, in the other it doesn't.
If they are arriving at 4.00pm, I can do some errants in the afternoon. If I don't know, I have to stay at home 'just in case'.

Of course, you can be very laid back and not planning. Esaier wo kids than with them.
But it would only be working if the BIL AND his gf are laid back too, happy not to have clean bed sheets (I thought that was a big fat No-NO in MN terms), happy to wait for the OP's DH to rush to do some shipping or to pay for a restaurant throughout the weekend.
And it also only works if the OP and her DH are as laid back.
As we have no idea if they are as laid back as that and we DO knolw that the OP isn't that laid back, then it's only polite to let her know.

I'm Confused as to why it would be rude to ask the BIL for his plans though....

minipie · 05/01/2015 15:20

I agree with Bonsoir IF and only IF the DH and/or guests are in fact (consciously or subconsciously) expecting the housework and food to be magicked up by OP.

Perhaps they genuinely wouldn't care if nothing was done? perhaps they are like the DH and wouldn't mind if the house wasnt vacuumed and sheets not changed, and if they had take away for every meal?

I think the OP should take DH at his word, do no preparation whatsoever, leave all meal/bedding arrangements during the visit to DH, and see how DH takes it. (but going out for the day is a bit rude if you know you have guests coming).

minipie · 05/01/2015 15:22

The difference between arriving at 10.00am or at 2.00pm is that in one case lunch needs to be ready, in the other it doesn't. If they are arriving at 4.00pm, I can do some errants in the afternoon. If I don't know, I have to stay at home 'just in case'.

If BIL and GF have given no details, and DH has refused to ask them, then the solution is that the OP doesn't prepare lunch and doesn't stay home. If DH is embarrassed to have no lunch to give them then maybe he'll understand next time why notice is required...

SaucyMare · 05/01/2015 15:33

But as he doesn't ask obv. he is okay to do the waiting, last min prep. so like everyone else i would just leave him to it (for the first time i expect).

I just get annoyed that people are not being equal in their expectations, that her feelings are more important than his. When she has always fussed about doing what she thinks everyone expects without actually checking this out.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 05/01/2015 15:56

SaucyMare The difference in expectations are not because it's her against his, it's because the level of imposition you place on Three people is greater than the level placed on the one. It doesn't matter if you don't know what time they arrive until the day before, it doesn't impact you at all. And you don't need to know where you're eating until you're eating!

Whereas forcing the others to know does impact them - they need to make all the other arrangements to ensure that is the time they arrive, and removes the ability for them to actually decide what they want to eat based on the journey or other things.

The level of imposition is what decides it here, not him vs her.

YouTheCat · 05/01/2015 16:15

Saucy, she did leave him to it. She went out. I suspect she did this because she knew if she stayed in she'd be the one sorting the bedding and running the hoover round whilst he sat on his arse awaiting instructions.

Sadly, it doesn't look like we'll be getting an update though.

DustBunnyFarmer · 05/01/2015 16:35

This thread has been an eye-opener for me in terms of what possibly goes on in my flaky sis's head. Her lack of consideration for other people drives me nuts, but she probably thinks I'm a real pissy knickers about planning. I'm still in the right, of course. Wink

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