to go out and leave dh to it?

[whininganddining]

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc.

..........but surely you don't need to know weeks in advance what their plans are?

It's hardly unreasonable to want to know well in advance, not least because OP might like to make other plans well in advance - e.g to book theatre or concert tickets, or see other people. It simply cannot hurt either OP's husband or his brother to make a decision at least a week beforehand.

So, if they sit around without a plan, you can at least make that decision. When they start asking what to do and where should we go, tell them you have made reservations at 'whereever YOU want' at whatever suits you o'clock.

Does BIL bring the same GF round, or a new one? Cause if it is the same, maybe you and her should takeover the organizing of these visits. She probably hates suddenly finding out she is going on an overnight trip as much as you hate suddenly finding out you are hosting one.

The other option is to do what you have done this time, but more so. They want spontenaity, let them have it. Let them show up on short notice without you having done anything. If the house is a tip, it just is. Oops, no good beer in, offer tap water or glasses of this wine that you opened days ago. Hand them the pile of guest bed sheets when they go up to bed, you didnt have time, but surely they wont mind spontaneously doing it themselves. Get up and eat your breakfast but if there isnt anything but stale cornflakes for them, too bad, they can make a spontaneous grocery run.

*I think, in future, you just need to let your DH sort everything. Give him a list of what he will have ot do, unless he gives you lots of notice-clean sheets, quick Hoover and dust, get some snacks and drinks they like etc.

Then you can relax*

WTF? Because a grown man can't see for himself that his guests need a clean bed to sleep in and some food to eat?

This thread is seriously depressing, the number of women who seem to think that it is somehow the OPs duty to facilitate the relationship between her DH and his brother.

Enjoy your chips OP!

But it's not an entirely unannounced visit, is it? She's known for weeks that they're coming at some point today, just not exactly when.

I am a bit like op

But when dh invites friend then last minutecsaid 'you better throw a spud on for friends gf as she's coming' I did get a bit pissed off

It was not then I realised dh could cook and I automatically think of everything

I think this is more to do with the wife work attitude

YANBU I frequently have people come to stay with me and they are always welcome.

I have no problem at all with people just popping in to see me, if they do they take me as they find me, but when people come to stay I need a bit of notice, I like to have the house and their room nice with fresh clean bedding, clean bathroom and food and drink they like in, I want them to feel comfortable and welcome in my home and to me all of the above are part of making them welcome.

The OP's DH knows how the OP feels, she has made it clear to him on many occasions so for him to ignore him is showing a lack of respect and consideration for her feelings

enjoy your day at the beach, I hope in future your DH will be more considerate

justmyview Sat 03-Jan-15 09:44:07

I think YAbitU to impose your standards / expectations on other people.

Oh my god have I walked into a parallel universe??

Seriously...Give guest stale cornflakes, manky sheets and water because her dh failed to give an exact time for them coming??

They are FAMILY. There are TWO of them. OP and DH have NO KIDS. It is a doddle to get ready for.

OK yes tell dh to spring into action and get sheets done and shopping in. THEY HAD SINCE 8PM LAST NIGHT TIL TODAY LUNCHTIME TO GET READY WHICH WILL PROBABLY NOT EVEN INCLUDE COOKING A MEAL AS THEY 'LIKE TO GO OUT TO EAT' SO WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?????

The thing about wanting to at least know is that otherwise she can make other plans - her OP says that until the last minute it's just a rough idea that he might show one weekend.

MIL does this to us all the time - we invite her, she says yes, and all three of the times we've arranged it in the last six months she has cancelled the day before. Infuriating, as I have various friends who have also been trying arrange to see us who then of course are busy. For DDs first communion we invited her for the weekend, and told all the godparents they couldn't come as granny was coming, and then hey presto, she cancelled again (just came for the day).

A one off isn't so bad, but if it's every time, for me at least (I like to plan!) it's not on.

And yes I agree it's a wife work thing - the DH can do it for a change, why not? Why should she have been worrying about it anyway? Especially when she's repeatedly asked to have more notice, and explained clearly that it doesn't work for her as a regular thing.

paperlace a one off isn't a problem I agree - it's having to do it every time. I like OP would prefer to have sorted it out beforehand so that I can enjoy my weekend eg see a friend that morning if they aren't coming until later. Rather than rushing around last minute. And I prefer to shop online too, which obviously one can't do so last minute.

YANBU ! good plan to go out, after all you are being laid back !
Why not mention it to BIL when you see him this pm, "Sorry I was out, it would be SO much easier if I had an approx idea of your days here..."
Its probably your OH who just can't be bothered to ask him.
Hopefully he won't get the hump, he is after all so very chilled,
Shouldn't be a problem

I would bet that although the OP and her DH don't have advance notice of these visits, the BIL isn't that spontaneous and knows when he's planning on visiting and could easily give more advanced notice.

I don't blame OP at all, she's asked previously for some consideration by being given advance notice, but it all seems to be on the DH's "spontaneous" terms; he's not considering her at all.

I feel a bit divided about this one!

The OP did know which weekend she was having guests, what day they're arriving and that they're staying for one night. But she still made a last-minute plan to spend the day with someone else - bit like accepting a party invite then ditching it for a better offer. That's rude, and will probably deserve the row she's likely to get. And then the weekend will be tense.

Whilst it might be frustrating not to know exactly what the plans are, it's not like the BIL just decided with less than 12 hours notice that he was coming to stay and bringing his girlfriend. THAT would have been rude, and an imposition. But expecting guests on a weekend and them not giving an arrival time until the night before is just a little irritating, no more, no less.

On the other hand, the catering/food thing is annoying, and it's reasonable for OP to want to plan ahead about who's eating what meals where if she's usually the one in charge of cooking and shopping. But I'd say it's actually the host's decision about what's happening while the guests stay - OP could just get the food in, tell them that's what's happening and that's that. No need to faff over decisions. Or decide in advance that they'll all be eating out, or getting a takeaway or whatever.

Sorry, OP, I do think you're being a bit U overall. Hope you enjoyed the day by the sea - sounds great, and fine in principle if arranged in advance and then unexpected visitors drop by, but not really cool that you did it when you already knew they were expected.

YABU.
From the op I gather that the guests were expected today but their time of arrival wasn't confirmed.
I can see that some ppl like things well-planned but in this situation it seems ott to insist on times and plans and then piss off when you don't get them.
Why do you need them to tell you what they are eating and when? It seems perfectly reasonable to discuss that when they arrive.

Your DH seems very insecure about it all. I think that if you've made it clear that all this doesn't suit you, it's fair enough to bow out. It would have been more effective though if you'd let your DH think that you'd already arranged to be out that day - that's the message you're trying to get across, no? That him not pinning BIL down even a bit makes it more awkward for you - you might have clashes, you won't be able to book things in advance etc.

By the way, does it occur to your DH that he's making the two of you look a bit loserish, NOT all 'cool and spontaneous'? I don't get that bit. He's giving BIL the impression that you two aren't going to be doing anything - no possibility of you being out/seeing other friends/ wanting to go somewhere popular so wanting to book etc. No, you'll just be In The House waiting for him to arrive and give you something to do!! Have you pointed that out to him?! Ha!

Haven't read the whole thread, but, why does dh think it's rude to ask what time they're coming ffs?! Very odd.

Did you have your chips op?

Speaking personally, I love having people over, especially when I don't have to cook!

We would say to each other, right, I'll Hoover, you change the bed, then we'll nip to shops for some snacks shall we?

No drama necessary, but that's just me, you're obviously more comfortable with a timetable op, and I don't understand why your dh can't just fucking ask what time they're arriving.

I think YAB a bit U. My dp is a billion times worse than this. He invites various friends and family quite regularly at the drop of a hat, and we have had rows about it, but I think in your situation if was hi brother for one night every now and then I wouldn't bat an eyelid, especially if I didn't have kids.

BUT my dp doesn't expect me to change my plans or be there. I don't make the beds, he cooks, and I just carry on with whatever I'm doing and he's fine with that. If your dh expects you to stand on ceremony and do the work the HIBU.

If you read the OP's first couple of posts carefully they strongly give the impression that she only found out last night that the BIL was coming at all this weekend. Because she says that the house needed a once over and they needed to shop. If it was just a matter of the precise time of the actual arrival I doubt the OP would have posted that. I strongly get the impression that she didn't know which weekend they were coming, not just exactly when they are arriving.

Who wants to be told on a Friday evening when they are chilling in their not prepared for guests house that they have overnight guests arriving tomorrow lunchtime and that there isn't any concrete plan for that lunchtime? There is just no need for it other than what sounds like a couple of immature men not caring how rude they are.

I really hope that the OP stuck to her guns and left them to it and that her DH doesn't dare even thinking about having a row over it. She has repeatedly asked not to have this happen and he keeps doing it. There is no earthly reason for her to put up with this every couple of months.

Well I had the impression that BiL was expected this weekend. Today. And that Op was unaware of the time of arrival a d plans for the meal.
I don't understand tbh. Why would one expect to be told what the plans are? Surely you involve yourself in these plans, not just passively tagging along at the last minute.
I mist admit that fish and chips are lovely. But, unless I am missing something vital this sounds like quite controlling behaviour.
Sorry.

I don't think they were expected. The OP says in her third post that if she had just been told yesterday she could have got wine in and shopped. She also says that the house needs a bit of a clean and the spare bed needs made up and that her DH is not at all likely to do these things and that she will feel embarrassed by that. I think the OP sounds like a considerate hospitable person who is fed up with last minute overnight stays that could be planned in advance and that her DH doesn't do his fair share of getting ready for even though it is his family who are visiting.

Can you imagine many women having family arrive like that but doing fuck all to get ready for them because they imagine their DH will do their best fairy impression and quickly shop, clean,tidy, make up a bed, etc?

OP says nil and his gf are coming tomorrow and that OP asked her DG weeks ago to find out precisely what time and if they wanted to eat in or out. So it was only details that needed to be sorted. Obviously the bed needed to be made, the rose bought (why would you not just keep a couple of bottles in the rack) and the hoovering done.

OP was simply taking the opportunity to make a stupid point and flounce.

YAB massively U.

I don't get it.
Why wait to be told?
Just make plans (thT involve everyone)
Then when they arrive (and you know they are arriving on a particular day) just say "hey, we're off to the theatre/ thai/ kebab shop"

Op please come back.