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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out and leave dh to it?

252 replies

whininganddining · 02/01/2015 23:12

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 03/01/2015 11:24

fredfred, everyone knows that things go wrong on long journeys, but that doesn't prevent most people from giving at least an approximate arrival time, especially if it's a journey they're used to. It's easy enough to phone if it turns out you're delayed by bad traffic or whatever. And I don't see how it can possibly be an imposition to be expected to let your hosts know if you're going to be out for a meal, it's simple good manners as otherwise they will expect to cater for you.

hoobypickypicky · 03/01/2015 11:27

"Is there a reason why you can't call BIL yourself?"

Is there a reason why she should, Janet? Hmm

Whining YABU insofar that you didn't go to the coast with your friend and the dog the first time your DH tried to pull this stunt.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 03/01/2015 11:27

Icimoi They have - it's midday! Mentioned in the first post.

paperlace · 03/01/2015 11:34

God what a load of rubbish posters are talking - they should both get the house ready for two people to stay since they are presumably wanted guests and family! OP doesn't have kids so house won't get messed up again. Takes two hours absolute tops to do shopping and sheets and run hoover round. What a fuss about feck all.

Inertia · 03/01/2015 11:38

As it's feck all then it'll be no trouble for her DH to do it this morning , before visitors arrive .

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 03/01/2015 11:39

I agree with Fred. I think the op is over reacting and should leave more of this to her husband.

But planning a trip out is a little petty (I never did find the answer to the question if she had booked it up after the ILs planned to visit or not. If its after, that's rude.)

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 03/01/2015 11:40

I read it that the OP never knows whether the BIL will arrive Fri/Sat/Sun until about 30 mins before .
She cant make any plans at all for that weekend.
ie Bil is arriving Sat evening for dinner - she can then relax or go out with friends on Saturday for lunch, pick up drinks and nibbles etc.
I would be very peed off if my DH deliberately didn't ask when someone was arriving ( rough estimate) .
It smacks of everyone elses time is more important than yours and Im not sure why your DH is doing this.
Im sure your going out is going to end in a row but from now on I would just carry on as normal and leave everything to your DH.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/01/2015 11:42

I find the idea that you (and your DH presumably) automatically assume that you will be the one doing the shopping, cooking and housework the most worrying part of the whole thing to be honest

hoobypickypicky · 03/01/2015 11:45

Rude is not giving sufficient advance notice of a visit. Rude is not asking when a visit will take place regardless of being aware that not knowing causes your partner inconvenience and unwanted work. Rude is leaving the preparing of the house/food/bedlinen for your guests to your partner because you're too lazy/selfish/thoughtless to do it yourself.

Deciding to go out for the day rather than be treated like the bloody servant isn't rude. It's justified.

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 03/01/2015 11:46

No one is asking her to be treated like a servant, from what I am reading.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 03/01/2015 11:47

Julia, you've won this thread with your comment. Wine
If H and his B don't like planning in advance, they can't get cross if OP makes her own, alternative plans.

No reason for OP to do anything to facilitate this visit. Either bil can pitch in or H can do it.

hoobypickypicky · 03/01/2015 11:53

Well if I were a servant in Edwardian "Upstairs Downstairs" I might accept being told at 8pm that overnight guests are due the following lunchtime (ish), Shipwrecked.

But I'm not. And I'd expect more notice from my partner. I'd expect him to be doing the cleaning/bedlinen/shopping/cooking for his guests too, unless we'd specifically agreed otherwise and I'd been given time enough to do it. Anything else is acting like the OP is the servant imo.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 03/01/2015 12:02

Shouldn't be a problem for the OP's DH to do it then should it?

If he wants to be spontaneous that's his choice but it's then up to him to make sure that there's food in the house/beds are made up/house is hoovered.

The DH likes to be spontaneous. The OP likes a bit more notice. Why should his way always take precedence unless he is prepared to do any preparation needed?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2015 12:04

whininhanddining. I hope you're having a nice time at the beach! Enjoy those hot chips!

Icimoi · 03/01/2015 12:24

Fredfred, if they can tell OP's DH what time they're arriving the preceding day, why on earth can't they tell him that two days earlier?

hooby, there's no particular reason why OP should have to contact BiL to find out his plans. It's just that it seems to offer an easy way of resolving the issue; there may well be a good reason for not doing it, but it's reasonable to raise the question with OP.

redexpat · 03/01/2015 12:25

Have a lovely day at the seaside!

And yes, if he wants to do it his way, let DH do it his way, including all the prep. Do you feel embarrassed if things aren't just so when others come to stay? If so I really get where you're coming from, and 6 times a year sounds quite a lot to me.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 03/01/2015 12:37

Shipwrecked yes OP did answer that question - he told her, it kissed her off and she sent a text to her friend inviting her to the beach.

As a one off that would definitely be U. But after years and years of last minute visits six times a year, and the last two years her begging her DH to please just ask and please could she have some notice, and him refusing to avoid stressing her out by a) finding out or b) doing all the prep himself, I think it's understandable. As other PP have said, if it's all so go-with-the-flow, then it doesn't matter if she isn't around anyway, and hasn't done anything to prep for them. Why shouldn't she go out and leave her DH to do it?

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 03/01/2015 12:38

(Pissed not kissed off, obviously - autocorrect doesn't approve of swearing it seems!)

MadamG · 03/01/2015 12:42

Op please let us know what happens today. I hope you enjoy your day by the sea and you and your DH resolve this issue.

herintheredskirt · 03/01/2015 12:43

I can see why you were frustrated. It does sound rude of him to let you know so late.

I think you need to try and detach and just let them get on with it.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 03/01/2015 12:51

op does your DH really like his brother and wish he came over more often? If so, I suspect he doesn't want to 'pester' his brother for fear that the current situation might cease. So it's not disrespect to you, per se, but over-respect for his brother.

The best way to counter it, therefore, may be for you to ask BIL for more notice as your DH is unlikely to do it. I think it can be done tactfully and with no bad feeling from BIL, as it is a reasonable request.

Hope you're enjoying your day at the seaside Grin

Beachcomber · 03/01/2015 13:00

Hope you are enjoying your day out OP.

If you are anything like me, I would feel rude if I didn't get things organised for guests so I would have to go out in order to be leaving them to it. I would struggle to not make up the bed/do shopping/etc in the morning and I would hate having guests arrive and it be apparent that we hadn't been arsed to get ready for them (even if they rudely gave really short notice). If my DH was a bit flaky/tended to leave things for me to do, I too would go out. Then it is entirely up to him what things are like when his family arrive.

Mmm fancy some chips now....

Bakeoffcakes · 03/01/2015 13:04

I hope you're having a lovley day at the seasideXmas Smile

I think, in future, you just need to let your DH sort everything. Give him a list of what he will have ot do, unless he gives you lots of notice-clean sheets, quick Hoover and dust, get some snacks and drinks they like etc.

Then you can relax.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 03/01/2015 14:14

Beachcomber exactly - I would have to go out in order to feel I didn't have to do it/be rude.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 03/01/2015 14:15

Yanbu. Why do those who love to 'go with the flow' always take precedence? My 'flow' means I like to know when people are coming. Hope it's a lovely day, OP.