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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out and leave dh to it?

252 replies

whininganddining · 02/01/2015 23:12

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 03/01/2015 18:04

I wouldn't get worked up about it tnh. I'm always loose with arrangements myself. Just change beds and get a takeaway really low maintenance

YouTheCat · 03/01/2015 18:40

The fact that some posters wouldn't get worked up about it is totally irrelevant. You are spectacularly missing the point in the same way as the OP's dh is. OP does mind. OP has asked for a little consideration (being as she's the one left to make arrangements and make sure there's enough shopping in). All she is asking for is a bit more notice, not a vague 'oh they might come this weekend or something', so she can make her own plans.

It would not put OP's dh out to ask for some kind of confirmation of date and rough idea of time with more than a few hours notice.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 03/01/2015 19:18

Its very rude of the BIL not to let the OP know what his intentions are.
Really its her that's BU ???
You would all happily wait until an hour before to find out what time the BIL intends to arrive ?
Bullshit !

I wonder if the BIL is a bit unskilled socially or the DH isn't telling her for some reason Sad

RandomNPC · 03/01/2015 19:52

Personally, I'm with the OP here. I hope she had a fab day at the seaside.

faitaccompli · 03/01/2015 19:58

I HATE not know things in advance. I have more exciting things to do in my life than prepare the house for visitors on the off chance they may or may not come.

If the OP has requested the information and it is not forthcoming (for no valid reason) then let hubby deal with his brother on his own.

If hubby does not recognise that he is being rude in not telling the OP when the brother and gf are coming, then surely the OP is not being rude in deciding to go out for the day.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 03/01/2015 20:05

Fait I think you have hit the nail on the head -there is no valid reason for not letting your hosts know what time you will arrive and your expectations.
Its either deliberate or lack of manners.

mix56 · 03/01/2015 20:21

So OP was finally given a RDV for their arrival the day before ???
I would be totally pissed off waiting all day to discover BIL on the doorstep after stopping for pub pie & chips at 10pm...... PLUS My spare room is also the office... I need time to sort out my stuff.
Its a lot of bollox for nothing.
You need to be told the day & approx ETA. Or ... The door is open, you help yourself, you don't give a shit about clean bathroom, pet goat sleeping on the bed, or any other crap that may be lying around.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/01/2015 20:40

But she was told the ETA the day before.
And the date was already arranged. It was the time and the meal arrangements that were unconfirmed.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/01/2015 20:46

If my DB was expected to arrive on Saturday and my DH made arrangements to go out with a friend directly after I informed him of the ETA for this planned visit just because 16 hours' notice of the ETA wasn't good enough I would be pissed off and think he had taken leave of his senses.
I like to plan tbh. And I have two small Dcs to consider, but it would be common practice to hear from family en route about their ETA and we might well discuss meals after they arrived.

waithorse · 03/01/2015 21:01

I'm on the side of the op, hope she had a lovely day.

YouTheCat · 03/01/2015 21:03

She was told one night over one weekend - which night wasn't specified until 8pm the night before and who can be bothered starting to wash sheets and go shopping at that time of night.

Last week I went to visit my brothers. I asked them a good few weeks in advance when would be a good time for them in case they had plans or other commitments. Once that was sorted I booked tickets and let them know what time I'd be arriving and leaving so they had an idea for planning meals etc. To just land on them with little warning would be very disrespectful.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/01/2015 21:21

Well one night over the weekend (and lets face it, we all knew it was today) offers limited options.
Why would you wait until hearing the eta to wash the fucking sheets?
Even then, its no bother.
Unless it actually is a bother having these ppl to stay. And you're maybe not ever so keen.
Which is what I think is the issue.

Icimoi · 03/01/2015 21:36

I think it's pretty clear that OP didn't know till last night. Prior to that she simply knew that BiL's next visit was looming sometime, but not when. That's what she was asking her OP to clarify.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 03/01/2015 21:40

Well the Op has had years of this nonsense and has had a bit of a huff (really cant blame her)
Its rude/thoughtless* to keep your hosts guessing what day/time you will grace them with your presence .
Delete as appropriate.

I still wonder whether the Bil tells the DH and he keeps schtum just to piss her off Hmm

Thymeout · 03/01/2015 21:47

The reason Op doesn't already have wine/beer/nibbles/something in the fridge for breakfast is because she's being passive aggressive about making her point. Equally about the bed needing to be changed, housework done etc etc.

She KNEW they were coming this weekend. The details were confirmed the day before. They'd be arriving at midday. Hardly the crack of dawn. I'd guess it would be embarrassing for her dh to insist on his brother telling him his ETA 'weeks ago'. He doesn't want his db to think he's married to an control freak.

So, when OP finds out, she texts her friend. She's not going to tell her DH, but sneak out early in the morning, because she wants to avoid a row.

Passive aggressive again. And very rude to guests, who will surely think she's avoiding them, as nobody could behave that way just to make a point. Could they?

Good luck in avoiding the row, OP.

AnneofCheese · 03/01/2015 22:09

Yeah thymeout it's all down to the woman to have nibbles and clean sheets at the ready. What a load of fucking shite you've just spoken.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/01/2015 22:22

Yep, good luck in avoiding the row.

I think I'm in some kind of wierd parallel universe. I keep re-reading the OP to try and understand why she's so pissed off.

" I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here."

What is the fecking problem?!?!! Not one person on here has made me think that you have a point. Are these People turning up on the doorstep with no prior warning? Nope. Do they expect you to cancel your plans to run round after them? Nope. (You admit you made your plans AFTER you knew the EXACT time they were coming!)

What I actually suspect is that your house is a bit of a shit tip and nowhere near "guest-ready", that you are embarrassed by it and know that it will be a massive hassle to get it to a decent standard in an evening and a morning. So you are leavig DH to do it. An hour last night and a whole morning today if you hadn't already had any other plans would be PLENTY of time in a normal household without kids to have a quick tidy, give the bathroom a quick clean, put clean sheets on the bed and send DH for food and/or to book a table at a restaurant/get a takeaway menu.

There has to be a massive back story here. Has to be. There IS a plan of what to do, you say that they're going to decide what to do wen they get there. That is a plan in itself!

I am flabbergasted at the amount of inflexible people on this thread! No-one has even considered the fact that BIL's job may mean he doesn't know till quite late on when he has free time to travel (dh's job used to be like that - our families knew that and made allowances, I would have been horrified to have been considered rude because I couldn't give them an exact ETA, it was out of our control.)

Does the OP want an update by text every half hour to let her know that their travel plans are on schedule? If they get stuck in traffic will they feel doubly pressured and stressed because they know OP is at home tutting and looking at her watch.

Jeez.

Thymeout · 03/01/2015 22:51

Well, Anne, if it's the woman in this marriage who cares about the nibbles and the clean sheets, then, yes, it's up to her to sort it. Dh doesn't seem that bothered. He probably quite reasonably thinks he can sort it all out in the morning.

How does buggering off to the seaside solve anything?

YouTheCat · 04/01/2015 00:09

She's tried asking. She's tried explaining how she feels about it. Some people don't like having overnight guests sprung on them. Her dh needs to either do the very small thing of getting some advance warning from his brother or step up to help the OP. It doesn't sound like he does either of those things. So I can see why she's pissed off about 5 years of this crap.

Surely, in a loving relationship, you do what you can to minimise your partner's discomfort, even if it seems a bit unreasonable to you? It's not like asking his brother for some earlier confirmation is really putting himself out. I bet the OP regularly puts herself out for him though.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/01/2015 03:38

Agree with curlyhairedassassin

GoddessWhoWalksEarthAsWoman · 04/01/2015 04:43

What's your relationship like with bil and his girlfriend. Do you like them? My DH does this a bit when his sister and family come up to stay ("let's just see what we fancy doing when they get here..." Etc) But I really like her so I think of her as my guest too and plan a couple of options that I know they like doing, so we can have a good night/ weekend together. I'll also remind DH to get their bedroom ready, put Hoover round and get stuff in for breakfast etc..
If they're nice people why wouldn't you take some control and make sure you have a nice time with them?

GoddessWhoWalksEarthAsWoman · 04/01/2015 05:04

Also a lot of the posts here seem to be about supporting you to make a point or win an argument rather than making sure that you have a nice time.. If it is a case of your house not being "guest ready", then have this argument in advance with DH rather than leaving it till you guests are due to arrive then suddenly fucking off out. I'm assuming that bil and girlfriend are ok people who want to visit and bring you flowers so why wouldn't you want to make sure at you have a good time with them?

diddl · 04/01/2015 08:40

But why should OP keep a whole weekend free just because BIL can't/won't say when he's arriving & her husband won't ask?

I mean surely people have an idea that for example they'll leave after work on fri/after breakfast/lunch on sat?

If they want to go & see someone, it's not that hard to decide when to go?

Or are they waiting to see if something else turns up??

CinnabarRed · 04/01/2015 09:12

No-one has said she has to keep the whole weekend free. But I think it's petulant to deliberately make all-day plans with a friend AFTER her DH and BIL have finalised theirs.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 04/01/2015 09:25

I'm completely happy with the making plans after knowing the time, the family will still have DH, the informality of the visit, and really quite regular at 6-7 times a year means missing it to do something else strikes me as fine.

When I visit my sis, I wouldn't be devastated or even particularly surprised if her DH made some other plans, I'd be pretty sad if it was every time, or he always declined meals or ... but going out with a friend, that's fine surely.

It's just this need for times and plans which I think is unfair to impose.