to go out and leave dh to it?

[whininganddining]

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Why should they plan in advance where to go if they don't want to though? It clearly doesn't suit you, but it doesn't really make any difference does it.

[Jill2015]

YANBU. And if I were you, I'd go out and also have a nice overnight stay somewhere.

Leave your DH to enjoy the 'spontaneous' stuff

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

It's fair enough to want to know if/when you are going to have people stayng if it bothers you. It's not reasonable to expect all of them to Make A Detailed Plan as to how they're going to spend that time if the don't want to. Bits DH's brother, not Great Aunt Maude.

[Tinks42]

Its his brother? Not a "guest" as such. Blimey.

[MyFirstName]

I am torn. This time last year I would have been 100% with you and cheering you all the way.

A few months of counselling and letting go of some anxiety issues though has made me try to take a deep breath and try to relax. And try to think "Does it really matter?"

And does it? Really? Yes grab a packet of snacks and some beer/wine for today. Say to DH - are you OK sorting a takeaway. Make sure you have come toast/cereal/bacon (if you can be arsed) for tomorrow's breakfast. Then...after that...well could you try just playing by ear? You want lunch? Go out? Send your DH and BIL to the supermarket? All they need to get is some french bread, cheese/ham and olives. And wine. Remind them if they want dinner you have nothing in....so could they grab something for them to cook later? If you feel you need to, explain to BIL gf that the brothers seem to like keeping it relaxed and unfettered by planning so it leaves things "Unhostessy" but that is what they want.

If that is too much to relax get some stuff in the freezer or fridge you/DH can cook up. Fresh pasta, some crabmeat, creme fresh. Or your go to pasta dish.

You are not on show. You do not have to prove anything to BIL or his gf. What is the worst that can happen? If they are judgy and pissed off it says bad things about them - not you - and is down to your DH anyway. If you have no food? Send someone to the shops, go out or get a takeaway. No one will die.

What ever you decide I hope you have a nice weekend.

[WipsGlitter]

Can you not make a plan. So instead of the what's happening / I don't know you say "i booked a table at Swish for 8pm".

Get in few bottles and mop the floor. Have your day out and enjoy a night out whe you get back.

It doesn't sound that big a deal - is there more to it than this?

[Tinks42]

I could understand it if you had young children, then of course that would cause a bit of chaos but his brother coming to say adhoc with a day or two's notice when your DH isn't asking you to do anything about it, I think you're being a bit nuts about it to be fair. And this being an "ongoing" argument is double nuts.

[whininganddining]

I know that not everyone needs to know in advance how they're spending their weekend,but I really really order to. And DH knows that. And I've asked to just let me know what time guests are coming and whether we're eating in or out or, if theyre here for a whole day, what the plans are.
They really will wait to be directed (usually by me) to get beyond "I don't mind, whatever you want".
He told me at 8 tonight that we have 2 guests arriving at lunchtime tomorrow and staying until ?time on Sunday.
If he had found and told me yesterday,I could've bought in the rose wine she likes, stuff for brekkie, booked somewhere for dinner etc.
It just irritates me that the wknd could be much nicer and more prepped for with just a wee bit of notice.

[whininganddining]

Order?? I don't order to, I prefer to!!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I'm with Tinks, I think this is more about your different ways of liking things done. I'm naturally like you, I like to plan ahead in advance with things like that and know exactly what will need doing/organising. I also have quite high hosting standards in terms of wanting the house perfect/nice food in etc. Whereas my DH is very go with the flow/doesn't matter if plans are last minute etc. So we've had to compromise over the years. And you know what, we haven't fallen out with anyone/had any complaints - guests have returned! Everyone has had fun, and I have learned to be a bit more spontaneous. Dh has learned that a bit of forward planning with these things makes HIS life a bit easier too.
I

I really don't see why there has to be a big battle about this. It's not as if they'd expect you to drop any plans and make them a priority each time they want to stay, surely? Life's too short to hang about at weekends waiting for possible house guests!

[Tinks42]

Again, a bit nuts on your behalf. Is it all about "presentation"?

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Make sure you strip the spare bed before you leave so dh is left to sort it.

[whininganddining]

Ok, I accept I'm a bit uptight about this.
Too late this time, I've already made my plans but I will really try to chill out about it in future.
It is Tinks, DH family think Im a bit shit really. Haven't given them any grandkids so obviously can't be a real grown up! I care a bit too much that things are nice - or at least clean - when they visit.
Thank you all

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

OP, you haven't answered my question - did you make arrangements to go out with your friend AFTER you found out BIL was coming? It's quite pertinent to an AIBU question.

[Inertia]

YANBU.

No arrangements had been communicated to you, so you made your own plans. Sounds entirely reasonable to me.

Myfirstname - why is it OP's reponsibility to sort out snacks/wine/ pasta? She was quite willing to plan for the visit, but nobody would tell her what the plan was. So she has her own plans .

Perhaps when DH realises that actually there isn't a telepathic, meal-cooking, food-buying, wine-providing sheet-changing fairy in the house he might start to be a bit more forward-thinking.

Now I fancy a day out at the seaside , eating chips.

[Tinks42]

Try turning this round OP.

If you had a sister that you obviously loved dearly that wanted to descend on you at a days notice, would you say no because your husband was a stickler for pre-planning?

Im sure there would be more than a few on this site that would call him a control freak.

[MrsRhettButler]

I can see your frustration but they're obviously not fussed by things being perfect so just let them get on with it I say

[MrsRhettButler]

Oops loads of x posts

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Yes, lower your hosting standards. You're a home, not a hotel. if they have to wait till it's nearly bedtime until DH changes the bed, so what? Or if it's just a takeaway or a ready meal, then so what? It sounds like they just want your company otherwise they wouldn't visit so often - they're not going to be giving you marks out of 10, they're not The Hotel Inspector.

[Inertia]

I really don't think you're being uptight. It's basic manners to let the host know the dates you plan to visit. Everybody's got used to you racing round like a blue arsed fly sorting out the food, drink, beds and plans, so why would anybody bother to change when you carry on putting yourself out to make sure everyone else is comfortable?

[Tinks42]

DH family think Im a bit shit really. Haven't given them any grandkids so obviously can't be a real grown up

Here is the issue then. More to the story

[whininganddining]

Curly haired assassin I know this won't look good on me but it was after
DH said at 8 "bil and gf are def coming to stay, they'll be here at midday" and I seethed for 5 mins then texted my friend and invited her for a seaside day.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

As for bringing flowers, well, that's a lovely thought! They obviously appreciate you putting them up. BIL probably brings a clean shirt on a hanger cos he doesn't want the hassle of ironing in case you end up going out for dinner. It doesn't mean they're expecting to, I'm sure.

Enjoy your day with your friend, then come back and have a nice evening with your inlaws. It all sounds like it could be quite laidback and jovial - if you let it be.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Oops x post. Well, obviously I think you've been a bit silly and unfair to do that. I really can understand why you got annoyed initially though. But I expect if you'd left it another 10 mins and thought it through then you wouldn't have sent that text to your friend.

[whininganddining]

Thank curly.