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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out and leave dh to it?

252 replies

whininganddining · 02/01/2015 23:12

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

OP posts:
MyFirstName · 03/01/2015 00:37

inertia the only reason I suggested the OP gets the wine/snack is because it is something bothering her. If it is something that will make her able to chill a bit. To give her a sense if control iyswim. Not because she is the hostess/woman/not her DH"s job. Just to maybe help her take deep breath. I have suffered from hosting anxiety in the past. Now I try and think...we have wine and nibbles. Everything else is dealable with. She could get her DH to get them. The who-obtains-the-nuts doesn't really matter. Just something required to soak up the wine whilst you wait for the takeaway delivery. [Grin]

MyFirstName · 03/01/2015 00:43

And actually, it was kind of a genetic "get them in"(snacks and wine) so aimed at both of them rather than specifically to the OP.

championnibbler · 03/01/2015 00:47

YANBU.
Fuck him.

Scrumbled · 03/01/2015 01:42

Go out and enjoy your day. Send a few nice texts and call to ask what time you should be back for dinner. Arrive back with a smile, a story about your day and a few gushes about how nice it is to see them all. Let your husband take the lead in sorting them out.

I am fairly relaxed about visitors, so is my husband. If we know visitors are coming we pull together and have the odd burst cleaning, sorting out bedding etc. The type of stuff we can plan ahead without knowing the exact time, I say we not me. If some of his friends or family decided to drop in I wouldn't change my plans, I wouldn't expect him to do the same. Within reason for both of us.

TendonQueen · 03/01/2015 01:57

I don't think you've overreacted or been silly. You've learned from experience that they do things in a way you find uncomfortable. You could have shouted, told your DH off etc but instead you've just chosen to go and do something you prefer with one of your own friends instead. Perfectly reasonable. To all the 'But does it really matter? Go with the flow' responses, I'd say that you've honoured that by butting out and leaving the folks who like to 'go with the flow' to do just that. Oh, and there is no reason why OP should 'just' mop the floor or get snacks in.. her DH can sort all that out for his visitors.

blueemerald · 03/01/2015 02:01

If you'd said I want to know how long they're visiting for because I live here and it's my house too I'd be on your side but you seem to want to know so you can run around like a headless chicken organising the perfect visit for them. I mean this in a kind way but give yourself a shake!
Have a lovely day tomorrow and don't freeze!

CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 02:14

I think organising to go out after DH and BIL have made plans and told you about them is incredibly rude, and DH has every right to be hacked off by that.

You've had several hours' notice to (between you - fair dos DH does his fair share) straighten the house, change the bedding and buy snacks/food/wine. Assuming you have a freezer then it's really not hard to knock together a lasagne or chilli for 4, and then if you don't eat at home tomorrow night you just cook it the day after for you and DH and freeze the left overs.

It seems you're making a massive mountain about a tiny molehill, and risk offending family in the process.

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/01/2015 02:17

I don't see the trouble. Your DH likes you to both seem cool and spontaneous, you'll seem extra cool and spontaneous by not even being there when they arrive!

Topseyt · 03/01/2015 02:19

I believe the phrase is "go with the flow" and it is something I had to learn from my husband over the years.

My family are largely planners who like details as far in advance as possible. His not so much. Either way is valid.

Just go with it. You will make a way for it to work.

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/01/2015 02:20

Cinnabar Yes, her DH and BIL have made last minute plans. The OP was not involved in that. Why should she have to run around on their behalf? She has made it clear she likes advance warning of plans (many people do, myself included) yet she's ignored for no good reason except for her DH's need to put on his impression of the world's most laid back man.

CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 02:28

Because she's the only one who cares whether there's rose wine in or not!

Agreed that DH should defo do (at least) half of the bed changing and hoovering - if he doesn't then that's a separate issue. But, really, how long does that take? Half an hour? The BIL isn't arriving until midday, it's not as if she's been given 5 minutes' notice.

I do think it would be OK if she wants to meet her friend for dog walking tomorrow morning while her DH gets the house ready - but she should be there when BIL arrives.

ovaltine · 03/01/2015 02:32

Why don't you just say to your BIL "let me know a bit more in advance" if it bothers you that much?

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/01/2015 02:48

All I can say is that I understand the OP's feelings! I hate it when people only confirm the day before. I feel it's disrespectful to land yourself on someone with less than 24 hours notice, especially to stay over. You're not respecting that they probably already had their weekend planned out and now have to change their plans to accommodate you.

But I agree that just going AWOL will probably make things more tense than if she just left all the arrangements up to her DH. In future OP, maybe just answer any announcements of the incoming arrival of in-laws with 'Okay, get on with make whatever arrangements you like, I'm going to be too busy.' A few visits without you running yourself ragged to lay everything on for them and they might start to see the benefit in a bit of advanced notice. Or just say it - 'If I'd know you were coming I would have gone out and bought your favourites! Oh well, I hope you like mashed prawns on toast!'

CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 02:57

But presumably the DH wouldn't have invited BIL on a weekend they had plans. (I am assuming the DH extended the invite rather than BIL informing him they were coming.)

TBF, this is the kind of thing that might have thrown me a bit when I was much younger. Now I'm much more confident that I can throw together a decent evening for 2 extra people (who are family in any case) with what I have in the house. But, even so, I don't see the big deal about DH popping to the shops tomorrow morning for any bits that aren't in stock at home and then shoving the Hoover roundz Particularly with no children that need minding at the same time.

peggyundercrackers · 03/01/2015 03:24

why would you need to put clean sheets on a spare bed - aren't they already clean? I think your making a big thing out of nothing, takes 2 mins to decide where to eat, 10 mins to drop into the shop when your passing to get wine and snacks if you don't have any already in.

you sound far too uptight.

CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 03:30

Ah - I change the bedding just before someone comes to stay so my guests get that lovely just-out-of-the-wash scent and feel to the duvet. I also have a cat, and worry that dust and fur may get on the duvet if I leave a clean one on the spare bed for more than a day or so!

fredfredgeorgejnr · 03/01/2015 08:31

Leaving is a completely fine and very good reaction to your need for organisation, so YANBU. YWBU to impose your need for structure and plan on everyone else who are quite happy with a relaxed approach to plans, which is very normal with brothers and even others.

But getting away from the situation so you don't impose on any one else, a great solution.

Inertia · 03/01/2015 08:34

OP is going with the flow. She finds the way her H deals with this visitor stressful, so she's removing herself from the situation to avoid an argument.

Asleeponasunbeam · 03/01/2015 08:40

I have I say my DH and his family are exactly like OP describe. DSILs and I communicate with each other directly though, to save us all from the extended 'what shall we do?'s And 'I don't mind,'s.

Bowlersarm · 03/01/2015 08:45

Well I think YABU.

It's 5 or 6 times a year. Why can't you just work with it?

And to make other arrangements once you knew what was happening was incredible childish.

I'd be upset if I were your Dh.

BellaVita · 03/01/2015 08:45

But wine and snacks won't go off in a day or so... Could you have just not got them in?

As for fresh sheets on the bed, leave them in the guest room for DH and ask him to make the bed up. If he doesn't explain to BIL that you had allocated that particular job to DH.

chrome100 · 03/01/2015 08:49

I think YAB a bit U.

If my sister was coming to stay I'd ask her for a rough time of arrival to make sure I was here and that would be it.

Once she turned up we'd figure out what we fancied doing and doing it, including buying food etc.

Likewise, I would expect nothing more if I went to stay with her.

Purplepoodle · 03/01/2015 08:54

I'm the same. Would hate it sprung on me. I would have a chat with bio or his gf when Dh not around and say to them would you text me when your coming up and times as DH never tells me and it's driving me nuts

DustBunnyFarmer · 03/01/2015 08:58

We often get behind with laundering bedding (it goes in a different laundry basket to our clothes), so would need advance notice to be sure of clean bedding.

There is also more social pressure on women in LTR to be effective hostesses and keep house, however modern & equal their actual relationship is. I can guarantee any perceived failings or drop off in "service levels" would be attributed to OP, not her flaky husband. And if the relationship with his family is a bit strained, as OP suggests, perhaps she doesn't want to give them more ammo.

Personally this would piss me off too. Loose arrival times etc ARE annoying. If I know guests are arriving at 3pm, I know there's time for me to run errands in the morning and meet a friend for coffee/lunch if I can't make dinner as we'd originally planned because we now have guests. As I work full time, i really have to get everything done over the weekend and it's also my main chance to catch up with friends. The time is too precious to tolerate 5 or 6 unnecessarily blighted weekends every year.

YANBU!

paperlace · 03/01/2015 09:01

I agree it's frustrating and I personally like time to prepare BUT not everyone is like this and it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things.

From 8pm last night you would both easily have had time to wash and dry sheets on a quick cylce/radiator, do a quick scoot round the supermarket, hoover, clean bathrooms and book a restaurant for tonight.