to go out and leave dh to it?

[whininganddining]

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

[londonrach]

I dont really understand. Yabu abit. Just make the bed, get some snacks and wine in and give bil whatever you planned to have together. Relax and enjoy his company. If you want to go out thats ok as dh can enjoy his db company.

[Ledkr]

Op I'm very uptight about visitors and then I went and married someone who's family live on another county so have to come for overnight visits.
I spent years flapping and getting stressed but then suddenly I saw sense and stopped.
Exactly as the poster above said, if the bed needs changing we will get around to it, if there's nothing to eat we can go to the shops for a walk.
It's been a revelation and I actually quite enjoy the visits now, I'm sure visitors are more relaxed and dh gets to enjoy time with his family without spoiling it for him.

That said, if I have stuff to do or want to go out I do, I'm not beholden to them.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

You don't have to leave the house but you could for example, just play them at their game and say 'cool, whatever', 'yeah whatever', 'whatever you like' and leave your husband to run around, sort out the bedding, go get food that is needed etc. Just spend the day faffing, floating around and generally being busy doing your own thing.

[Ledkr]

paperlace
I assume you are directing that at the ops dh and not just her?

[diddl]

TBH, I'd just leave your husband & BIL to it.

If you happen to have made other arrangements, then that's just too bad.

Leave your husband to sort out food/cleaning/bedding.

[Bowlersarm]

ledkr she said you would both

[ClashCityRocker]

I think YAB a little U, sorry.

I don't understand what you'd need to know other than that they're coming over. I would make a point of saying 'well, I didn't know what you are planning so I've not got any food in'.

And get DH to sort the bed out.

I think it's a bit rude to deliberately make plans to go out when you know they're coming.

[ClashCityRocker]

YANBU to be pissed off at being told at 8pm the night before though.

[littleleftie]

YANBU - not unreasonable at all.

I think you have had a bit of a rough ride OP.

I could not bear this kind of loose arrangement, although I respect that others wouldn't be bothered - but it's your home!!!

It sounds as though yout DH is ignoring your words repeatedly and so yes, I think action is the best step. If he does it again, then go away for longer - a whole weekend. Or do as PP said and just lounge around doing SFA.

I think it's bloody rude to just rock up whenever and expect people to rally around you.

I hope you have a lovely day today and can go back tonight all cheery

[TheWordFactory]

OP I understand that you like to plan and it annoys you that DH does not.

However, your DH has not asked you to actually do anything. He does not expect beds to be changed, floors to be mopped and fridges filled.

Nor does his brother expect it by the sounds.

You are making a stand today which is out of proportion to your DHs offence. You are deliberately being rude to BIL and GF in the bargain to make your point.

Don't be surprised if this turns into a major difficulty in your relationship.

[londonrach]

As a child one of my dads friends from uni used to randomly turn up to stay for a day or two. Mind you he came with tent, sleeping bag etc and always bought cheese as a present. Dont know why the cheese but i always smile when i see that cheese in a shop. My dsis and i loved his randomness. He was such great fun with amazing stories. I remember one time he pitched his tent in our lounge having turned up at 8pm. My dsis and i were ready for bed and watched him in our pjs putting the tent up. He was fun as he joined in our games and added to them. Was very upset when he got married and stopped his visits, although his wife was very nice. He no longer with us but his random visits made my childhood. Nowadays a bet everyone be worried re a grown man and two little girls but he unfortantly never could have children and just before he died he told me he always imagined my dsis and i were his. He would have been the best father ever. Enjoy your day out op, i hope your dh enjoys his random day with his db. Sorry for going on about my dads friend. X

[JennyBlueWren]

I think you are right to go out and do what you'd already planned to do and leave DH to entertain his brother. I'm sure they'll be quite happy.

As for the short notice I can understand how that might bother you but I quite like the fact that my brother will just ring me and say he's coming to stay and the plans are often quite open. Sometimes he's rung me of a morning and casually asked what I'm up to. If I say not much/no plans he'll asks to visit. Sometimes he's just popping in for a cup of tea, sometimes he's staying overnight or a few nights depending on what other friends are up to. He usually gives me a rough idea though e.g. I'll be in the area in September, might see you but not enough to plan around.

My other brother (now more settled) once appeared at shortish notice with an open ended plan to stay with us until the weather in a certain area improved when he'd move on. I gave him the spare keys and said just to leave them when he'd decided to go. We were out at work in the day but was still great to spend time with him.

[justmyview]

I think YAbitU to impose your standards / expectations on other people. BIL and GF would probably be happy to make their own bed, pop out to shops, have a takeaway. If you had already made plans to go out, then they shouldn't expect you to muck your friend around, but I think it was unwise to make plans deliberately, to make a point

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

Go out and enjoy your day. YANBU.

If your dh wants to roll the red carpet out, let him. I like to be prepared for guests, those arriving at a moment's notice SIX times a year could join in. I would hate, hate, hate this arrangement and would leave all arrangements to dh. We have overnight guests all the time and I like the bathroom to be clean at least. If I planned to get into my PJs early and watch a film with a takeout on Sat night, they are my plans. If my guests want to join in then we'd love to see them, if not we'll see them another time (are you able to say this?) T-rexing about going out 30 mins before it happens would annoy me.

If people want to make plans, I'd like more than 24 hours notice. As much as I liked someone, I'd want to be involved in a choice of when people visit. This sounds like you are available at a short notice to fall in with your dh and bils plans. I just wouldn't be.

If they are bright and breezy, let then get on with it. Six times a year means you don't have to put on a show and they should take you (and your plans or lack of them) on the chin. They both must know you don't like this so leave them to it.

Going out will cause an argument, but it sounds like you were going to have one anyway. I'd be breezy about your arrangements with your H. Have a large lunch and if they fart about regarding dinner arrangements you can join in with their plans (and your DH's restaurant booking) as you wish. Fuck em, you're just try to be as chilled as they are.

[SaucyMare]

This is a situation wher nobody is wrong, just two people who want different things, both of which are ok.


But you are complaining because your OH doesnt change what he likes doing to what you like doing.

People who turn up at short notice dont want the full hostess job

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I'm interested to know what Your DH has said, OP, now he knows you are making yourself scarce. Mine wouldn't be impressed that I'd arranged that deliberately, despite knowing visitors were expected. I would be the same the other way round too. Different if his brother were coming on his own, but seeing as the gf is comin then that does change the whole dynamic really. Sometimes where brothers are concerned, 3 can be a crowd. I bet BIL's girlfriend will miss your company while they are whittering on about old friends she doesn't know or memories from their youth, or minute details from some football match.

I do really think you owe DH an apology for your childish reaction as yes, as someone said, it's this unwillingness to be flexible IN ANY WAY to suit someone else once in a while that can be quite damaging in a relationship.

You can't cancel your friend now though as that is also bad manners. So you can't win. I think I'm quite a reasonable person who can compromise when the need arises but doesn't let anyone walk over me, and if I were your BIL or his gf I would find your behaviour quite rude and ironically extremely "unhostessy" which is what you seem to have the bee in your bonnet over in the first place! That is, if your DH tells them you decided to go out when you heard they were coming. If DH is a decent guy he will probably tell them a white lie to save their feelings a bit and say you already had prior arrangements which were hard to cancel.

The only people who are going to end up with a nasty taste in their mouth over your behaviour is you ad your DH.

[HumptyDumptyBumpty]

OP, I presume you've told your DH in the past that you want more warning/notice of BIL's visits, and more planning done?
If so, then he is BVU. If not, you need to tell him clearly, otherwise you are BVU.

If you have told him, and he's ignored your wishes entirely, go, and enjoy your day out. He ignores your wishes, well, that tells you it's totally fine for you to do exactly as you please, then, doesn't it?

[skylark2]

It would annoy me to not know roughly when they were showing up and whether they would already have eaten a main meal that day.

But the bedding thing is ridiculous. If you know which weekend they will be coming, plan to make the bed up during the week before. It won't go off if made up a day early. Similar with snacks and drinks. They're coming that weekend, so buy drinks and snacks for that weekend. The tidying doesn't need to be done ten seconds before they arrive, a couple of days will work just as well. And so on.

[Vycount]

I think because this is a long-standing issue your DH is being a bit unreasonable. But personally I'd lower my standards, just get their bed changed (either by me or DH!) and that would be it. If they wanted to sort restaurants, go shopping for nice food etc then they can do it.
What I wouldn't do would be change a pre-existing arrangement. So a planned day out with my friend would go ahead, and I'd catch up with them when I got home.

[SparklyTwinkleGlitter]

YANBU. Have a lovely day out with your friend.

I think your DH is an arse, frankly. 'Going with the flow' might work for him but as it clearly doesn't work for you, he should have tried to find some compromise with you by now rather than just bulldozing you into submission.

I'm a 'going with the flow' person but my DH prefers to plan. Forcing him to be 'spontaneous' means that he probably won't enjoy something as much as he might have done, had he been given more time to consider it.

Surely, his feelings are equally important?

I also have a sneaky suspicion that your DH assumes that the house fairy visits your home on a daily basis; shopping, cleaning, cooking...

[OTheHugeManatee]

I'm with the OP. Vague timings is a matter of taste but not confirming till the night before is just rude. It basically says your time isn't worth much, or your plans, as of course you will be around and of course you will be available.

And if this 'cool and spontaneous' posturing is the DH's way of compensating for lack of children he needs to get the fuck over himself and consider the OP's feelings as well.

[SirNoel]

YANBU

Enjoy your day with your friend. Your DH & BIL won't mind if they don't have any firm plans, and you can enjoy the rest of their visit without being a seething mass of resentment inside.

[hauntedhenry]

YABU. This is petty. I see that it's annoying, but you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Just whizz the hoover round and get dh to change the bed and nip out for some snacks and beers. Eat out or get takeaways. Nobody is expecting you to 'host' anything, it's in your head.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm with you OP, this would seriously annoy me.

I think the worst part of it is that you've repeatedly asked your DH to let you know in advance and he's chosen to ignore you. It shows a complete disregard for your feelings and is very wankerish. On that basis alone I would leave him to it.

Enjoy your day out