to go out and leave dh to it?

[whininganddining]

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

[paperlace]

Ledkr

Yes of course. That's why I said 'you both have time' if you read my post.

Fwiw I work FT and my dh is SAHD so he does lionshare of housework during the week, I do laundry and bathrooms on the weekend.

[juliascurr]

presumably dh won't want you to pester him with details of your plans
or does it not work like that?

[Hoppinggreen]

It would be better if your bil made firmer arrangements and if you had already made plans you shouldn't change them but I do think YABU and a bit rude for deliberately arranging something when they are coming.

[Malabrigo]

His guests, his responsibility. End of. I agree with theoothers that you should just sit there expectantly and join in with the 'what shall we do then?'.
If BIL or gf ask you for anything just direct them to your H.

[Beachcomber]

YANBU and I think I quite admire you deciding that you will have a nice day out with your friend rather than fit in with last minute hosting that you have made clear does not suit you.

If you have repeatedly told your DH that you prefer a little planning notice and he repeatedly ignores this then too bad for him that you have reached a stage where you want to make a point.

As another poster said, it is still invariably women who will be judged on hosting/house cleanliness/beds made up or not, etc - that is unfair and sexist and it makes it much easier for men to be "cool and spontaneous" than women.

Enjoy your day out and let them get on with being cool and spontaneous.

[LeepyTime]

Hi OP, I hope you get on ok today whatever happens. A similar-ish thing happened to me a few years ago with the my now exH. His friends were coming to visit, and the (big old messy) house was a total mess and needed cleaned; we had a young toddler and baby at the time and I was completely sleep deprived and stressed. I made a list of the must-dos, i.e. living areas, bathroom, kitchen and hall - anywhere they might venture into - and shared out the jobs. About an hour before they arrived I spied him out in the garden spraying weedkiller, with none of his jobs done, and tried to calmly direct him towards the actual jobs that needed done NOW! Then, after half an hour of silence, I found him upstairs sorting out his sock drawer, like FFS! I burst out crying and said I was just getting out of there and he could explain my absence however he wanted, and I went to my sister's house for the day, just leaving him to it. I think he told his friends I was feeling a bit down or something .... Hope you are ok xx

[diddl]

I think the crux is if whether or not Op is expected to host.

Although extra people in the house always means getting more food in, doesn't it?

Whether that be just for breakfast or three meals a day?

[Inertia]

But it's this expectation that the OP will just whizz the hoover round, and just make up the bed beforehand, and just nip to the supermarket, that's led to the resentment in the first place.

Given that nobody bothered to confirm or communicate the weekend plans until a few hours beforehand, and the OP is apparently not allowed to confirm details herself for fear of pestering, why is it the OP's responsibility to 'just' do any preparations?

I hate this expectation that preparations will magically happen. If DH and BIL are as laid back as their behaviour suggests, it won't matter that there's no food or clean bedding.

Unfortunately, " I don't mind" and "Whatever you want" often translates as "I can't be bothered to make it my problem, you solve it for me".

[Beachcomber]

The thing is though that often the expectation on women to host is invisible.

So if asked, the OP's DH and his brother and GF might very well say that there is no expectation but I bet none of them would expect the toilet to not be terribly clean, to sleep on a bed with no sheets, to not be offered a drink, to have to go out shopping for their breakfast or to find the house in dusty dissaray.

And even if the house is constantly kept pristine, some people just like to know ahead what obligations/arrangements they have for their weekend.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

I don't see why OP should have to spend her time on a Friday night or Saturday morning last minute prepping cleaning etc when it could all have been sorted earlier with some notice. I can quite see that you've had enough and to hell with it, off to the seaside, even if it is a bit U to do so after being informed, sometimes one just has Had Enough!

Is your BIL like my MIL - we arrange with her a weekend she can come and sometimes she comes but often she doesn't?? If so even more infuriating as you can't make any other plans but are just on hold. Whereas if he does generally come when he says he will, I don't see that it's such a big deal as you can just get it all ready and the rose wine will keep until next time if they don't come.

I also don't see why OP is getting it in the neck for being inflexible when her DH is being equally inflexible. Yes she can compromise but so could he. Meet halfway.

The fair thing to do if they come six times a year is take turns - three times keep it easy and go with the flow, and three times let OP plan it her way.

[diddl]

"But it's this expectation that the OP will just whizz the hoover round, and just make up the bed beforehand, and just nip to the supermarket, that's led to the resentment in the first place."

Yes, if one cares about how the place looks & whether or not there's food in & the other doesn't...

And sadly, if the place is a mess, who'll be thinking that it's the bloke's fault for not sorting it out

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

Inertia but that expectation has not been mentioned by the OP, we have no knowledge that there is that expectation. The others don't appear to want or need any preparations (presumably beyond some clean bedding being available in the house somewhere) They arrive midday, plenty of time to decide what to do, plenty of time to get the bedding organised, plenty of time to go to the supermarket to buy anything.

diddl Doesn't need to be done before they arrive...

People are different, some don't want or need all that organisation, others do of course, neither are right or wrong, but it's not right to impose your level of organisation on everyone else when it's not needed.

[Mammanat222]

I'd be seriously considering making plans for the whole time BIL is there.

Or else I'd have called him myself and ask him when he was going to arrive.
If he couldn't give me an actual date then I'd be telling him he might be better off in a hotel (I'd be tactful of course) but you can't put your life on hold as someone may turn up to stay or not?

[Writerwannabe83]

Yet it's ok for the DH to impose his wish to be spontaneous on the OP??

[Peacocklady]

YABU. You've known he was coming for ages, just not the exact time. He always stays so the bed has to be made and there has to be breakfast. Do it if it bothers you or don't but best to communicate with you DH so he knows. Other than that just get stuff in in the morning for lunch and nothing for tea- if you end up staying in get a takeaway but it sounds like you often go out. What is the issue really? You sound very controlling and its ruining your enjoyment. Or is it actually that you don't like your bil/your dh's friendship with him and are making him feel unwelcome?

[Theas18]

I don't quite get the stress here.

With us we are happy to have people stay at short notice but they muck in/ fit round us eg my friend from Kenya stayed the weekend of advent and ended up singing evensong and going to a concert for one of the kids.

If she'd turned up in the situation you outline I'd have taken her to the seaside yo meet my other mate ( though they'd never met) and we'd all have a good day - were it DH friend hed entertain him instead.

And guests here can make own beds etc - well we do it together if needed.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

Plenty of time yes but personally my weekends are precious - I'd rather have done the prep on Wednesday or Thursday night and met a friend for coffee/gallery on the Saturday morning, and Friday nights are when I wind down. I wouldn't be able to have guests arriving with the place in a tip, so would feel I had to do it (like PP I never make up the bed until last minute because we have cats) and it would annoy me if that was six weekends a year. Mind you I always have enough stuff in the house that I could do a four course dinner party for ten people with what's in my fridge/freezer! But I would prefer to do something that was specially for them.

[Beachcomber]

And letting people know the evening before, that you will arrive the following midday, when you could easily have let them know earlier, is rude.

It might be cool and spontaneous if it is just you and your brother involved but it is just immature when there are other actual grownups in the story.

I wonder how the GF feels about it. I wouldn't be happy myself.

[Cabbagesaregreen]

I don't get this thread. Surely your dh can do the bedding etc. why does he need you to do this and/or guide him ? If dh has family members coming he sorts everything out. If I do then I sort it. No stress.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

Writerwannabe83 It would be the imposition of exactly what the BIL / SIL and DH would be doing for the entire weekend, where they're eating, what they're doing, what time they arrive etc.

With a long journey then that's really pretty unfair, what if they're delayed, what if the journey is more tiring than they expect so they'd rather stay in than go out etc.

The imposition that places on everyone else by one person "needing to know" is simply disproportionate. It's not rational.

[Inertia]

Fred, I'm not suggesting that her DH has told her to do it- it's the numerous posters on the thread who have told OP that she should just whizz the hoover round or just scoot to the supermarket . I dislike the implication from posters that she should just run along and get on with her jobs now that the men have decided upon their plans.

The double standards frustrate me too- the OP is apparently being rude because she might still be out when the ILs turn up, yet by their own admission the DH and the BIL are not bothered what anybody's plans are- therefore they shouldn't care whether she is still out or not.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

Inertia Oh absolutely there are some weird posters suggesting it's rude to be out - the whole point is if the friends/family are close enough that it's okay to be that informal. Then it's also fine for the OP to be out doing something else and to wonder in wherever, being included in the plans or otherwise, needing nothing more than a text or call to confirm if she wants to join whatever they plan.

And no, she doesn't need any jobs to host.

[PulpsNotFiction]

Your DH is BU for not getting the finer details

You're NBUto be pissed off at this, but I think it is unreasonable to make plans to sod off out for the day once you knew what time they were coming. I understand why you have but I'd have gone with the 'leaving them to it' and letting Dh realise than you have no food/wine etc. I think it's a bit rude to go out.

[Icimoi]

It doesn't really matter whether the BiL is happy to muck in or not. The point is that OP has made a perfectly reasonable request to be given more notice, and it's a request which would be no trouble to comply with. However, her DH has chosen not to comply with it and knows that he will thereby have caused totally unnecessary stress to the OP. It's just not a reasonable or acceptable thing to do and OP's reaction is, in all the circumstances, quite mild.

However, what I don't get is why you can't just phone BiL direct to ask his plans, OP? If he doesn't know you politely ask him to find out - he can hardly refuse, but if he does, say "Fine, let's put the visit off till you do know what you're doing."

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

Cabbages I agree the DH should do it. But if the OP is stressing about it, that suggests he doesn't (and doesn't care about it either). But she does care, so ends up doing it. Which one could argue is the OP's problem and that she should just chill out. But, I get that she can't - and that while it might be U/passive aggressive, perhaps heading off to the beach is the only way to get her DH to step up to the plate/absolve herself of having to do it.