To think that a 12year old doing this is wrong?

[disneymum3]

Today I found out that my 12 year old niece is sexually active with her boyfriend. I know that her mum (my sister in law) knows what she is doing, and hasn't said anything to her / isn't bothered.
I feel that this is wrong and she shouldn't be doing this sort of thing at the age of 12. The thing is I don't know what to do.
Any advice on this will be greatly received TIA.

Mad women I put this thread on preteen but had no replies, so I posted to what should you do instead and still had no replies, which is why I then posted here. I am concerned about my niece, all I wanted was some advice.

I really cant see how reporting this is going to make the situation any better at all. All it will do is make the situation worse.

I think the only positive thing in the whole mess is the fact that this child is using condoms.

I am not for one moment saying it is right. It absolutely isnt. The mother is clearly bloody incompetent and has failed miserably as a parent. But what is reporting it going to achieve other than to make things worse than they already are?

Just for some perspective the age of consent in The Netherlands is 12. I have no idea how many 12 year olds in the Netherlands are sexually active but the Netherlands has one of the lowest rates of teenage pregnancy and abortion.

The UK has one of the highest rates in Europe.

The mother is clearly bloody incompetent and has failed miserably as a parent.

How do figure that out? What should she have done differently?

For some other perspective, are you happy with a 12 year old getting pregnant - because that is a fairly common side effect of sex. Or are you happy with a 12 year old girl (both of mine fit this description) having sex before she had a period? Seriously what are people on that they could condone a 12 year old having sex?

The "but what can you do" responses on this thread drive me to despair. You can act like an adult. you can say our loud that 12 year old shouldn't have sex and you can take whatever steps are necessary to stop it.

How many women in the world are there, do you think, who look back and say "I'm so glad I had sex at 12" ?

I can figure it out because I, and all my peers had more respect for our parents and would never in a million years have even expected to be so brazen as to be asking our mothers to provide condoms. We were brought up knowing that underage sex was not something that would be condoned (I am not saying it stopped most of us from doing it but we certainly would not be flaunting it to our mothers).

Yep canyou we campaign against child brides in other countries (and I'm not suggesting for a moment that we should not do this) but yet we should turn a blind eye to a sexually active 12 yo? No. Speaking out may not solve the issue, but we should still speak out.

There's something funny here.
First the OP says :-
I know that her mum (my sister in law) knows what she is doing, and hasn't said anything to her

and then in her next post:-
we were sat in the kitchen when my niece walked in and asked her mum to buy her some more condoms

So they have obviously 'talked' about it.How do you know your SIL 'isn't bothered' , how do you know she hasn't tried to talk her DD out of it,how do you know she hasn't phoned SS/police and been told they won't take action.Do you truly expect your SIL is going to discuss all this with you?

I see a pragmatic woman who has good communications with her DD (lots of daughters wouldn't have even discussed this with their mothers), and is realising that it is impossible to stop them having sex so is doing the sensible thing by providing the girl with protection.

Please, please, please don't report your SIL.

You may very well be uncomfortable with a 12yo having sex as I would be but have you thought through the possible consequences of reporting this for tour niece and the boy in question?

Chances are not much will happen as other users have pointed out. She is a very young teenager bit 12 yp having sex is not completely unheard of but your niece is obviously responsible enough to use protection and her mum clued up enough to provide protection (you don't really know the conversations mother an daughter have had).

What could your meddling realistcly achieve

A) as show up. Mother stops providing condoms and niece is having sex anyway where she can.
B) Niece (as well as her siblings?) Being taken into care (where underage sex never happens) and mother possibly charged (this is unlikely)
C) The boy being charged, getting a criminal record and very bright future.

Tbh I don't think the mother here is too thrilled she just didn't feel like sharing here innermost feelings with you. She may just prefer for her daughter to have save sex and feel secure enough in talking to her about sex.

If I was in the situation of your SIL I would do everything in my power to convonce my child that they are too young to have sex but make sure they would have condoms and felt they could confide in me of they decided not to believe me.

There is not fool proof answer its all well people saying the mum should do this should do that... should stop the girl from having sex. for all we know the mum could have spoke to the daughter until she was blue in the face. if the daughter wants to do it then she will what ever people say. i guess at least the girl felt she could talk to her mum about it so they could at least make sure she was having safe sex.

what if the mum had gone mad shouted told her no way is she having sex you stop it right now. comes back couple months time mum im pregnant

there is a no foolproof answer but there are answers which will have better results. They may not work god knows but giving up and not trying is irresponsible and lazy.

Ghost the response isn't to shout "no way are you having sex stop it right now" On no planet would that work.

The response is to tell your 12 old that she will not have free time on her own to have sex. and to seek out counselling for a clearly troubled child and an inadequate family. When mine were 12 I knew where they were all the time. I worked too but it is possible. not at 16 but a 12 year old is not 16 and should not be treated as such - for her sake.

If the boy in this scenario is the same or similar age then he is also probably having his childhood robbed by adults who lack the ability to say no and put the effort into enforcing that no.

but how would parents truely know where their 12 year old is. my 12 year old son gos to school comes home. he does not go out after school or at weekends. in the summer he went swimming few times. went to the park with friends. how do i know he really done the above. unless i follow his every step.

I see a pragmatic woman who has good communications with her DD (lots of daughters wouldn't have even discussed this with their mothers), and is realising that it is impossible to stop them having sex so is doing the sensible thing by providing the girl with protection.

this is the kind of response that makes me so angry. What a complete cop out for those children who need help and guidance from adults. Goo communications my ass - her 12 year old is having sex communications are the least of her worries. Giving a 12 year old condoms takes no effort at all. Limiting severely her opportunities to have sex or persuading her not to have sex takes way more effort.

It is perfectly possible to stop a 12 year old having sex - if you are prepared to put the effort in.

And when that 12 year old is a grown woman and looks back at the adults in her life, I doubt anyone will say "thanks for thinking it was inevitable I would have sex aged 12 and giving me condoms". But many would say "thanks for looking out for me and protecting me when I was a child and sexually vulnerable".

I'll say it out - the people on this thread saying it is ok for a 12 year old to have sex and ok for a mother to tolerate this are repulsive and deviant in my view.

What canyouforgiveher said. She's a 12 year old child, FFS.

i dont think anyone thinks its ok. its what to do if it cant be stopped. mum could chat to the girl. and the girl may well say wow mums right i have plenty of time to be having sex.

but if the girl chooses to have sex no matter whats said to her. unless her mum handcuffs her to her side then how she meant to stop her? take her to work with her. and cuff her to the teacher at school. give up work home school her never ever let her out of her sight

www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex

It's rape. I would point this out to my niece and ask if having sex with someone she love is the right choice especially as he could get in serious trouble.

I think a 14 year old should know better.

we were sat in the kitchen when my niece walked in and asked her mum to buy her some more condoms

Maybe I'm just very out of touch but even if the girl were 16/17/18 isn't it a little odd to be quite so open in front of other people?

On the one hand it's at least a relief she is thinking about contraception but this seems, to me, an extraordinary scenario.

There are very good reasons why the age of consent is what it is. One is that a child's brain isn't mature or capable of making adult decisions until at least 16 and another is that the child's body isn't developed until 18.

I'm reporting this thread as it's a child protection matter.

I am not going to discuss the whys and wherefores.

A 12 year old openly discussing her need for condoms in front of a third party sounds to me like a household where appropriate sexual boundaries have not been observed.

Out of interest, why isn't the father of the youngest allowed contact?

The police will do nothing as neither the victim nor her mother is asking for charges to be bought and even if they did the CPS wouldn't touch it with a barge pole as the girl is 'consenting' whatever the law may actually say. Depressing but that is the reality. I've been involved in many such cases.

Effic if you are standing by and watching this happen, throwing your hands up saying that's just the way it is you are part of the problem. Don't you think you have a moral duty to expose the police and SS for this negligence?

Even if the reality is that SS will do nothing, doesn't mean you as her aunt have to do nothing.

You may not be able to stop a 12 year old from having sex completely, but you can certainly limit their opportunities pretty drastically. I was fooling around pretty early, but my parents put down strict rules so I had limited opportunities. They didn't even know I was fooling around, and if they had you can bet they would be all over me like a fly on shit. They certainly wouldn't have been doing me any favors by telling me to run wild. I don't regret fooling around so young, but if it were my daughter, I'd crack down hard.

This mother isn't communicating, she's treating her 12 year old child like a friend and simply not giving a shit. You don't give a 12 year old condoms, you give them rules and boundaries, and yes, if you have to, you switch your working hours to their schooling hours if you can so you can watch them like a hawk.

Really though, if she's having full on sex at 12, there's deeper issues going on. Happy children don't have sex at 12.

I don't know how close you are to your niece, but you can be a positive influence to her. Maybe her mother will let you take her after school or something. Really, there's not any other solution than discipline, boundaries, and watching your niece.

I don't feel qualified to offer and advice on this OP but it must be a really uncomfortable situation for you.

I know people have mentioned the boy a bit here. And I have seen that many pps think its ok for the 12 yo to be having sex as her mum is doing such a good job of supporting and facilitating. Every argument I have against the child, yes child having sex has been made already. But I will say that as a parent to an 11 yo, there is absolutely no way I would continue to allow any opportunity for this. She can report to childline that I keep her prisoner in the house, complain that I humiliate her when I inform the school and ask for an eye to be kept, but I am sure when she is older, she will thank me for actually parenting her and letting her keep her integrity.

My main issue now, for the op is that its all well and good trying to keep sil happy, and question whether it is going to cause upheaval for the family etc. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE POOR 14 YO BOY? Do his parents know that another woman is facilitating his having sex with someone that is not only underage, but the law has a duty to protect her from herself as she doesn't know the full implications of what she is doing! Are his parents ok with it because her mum is at least stupid tthoughtful enough to be providing condoms? Are his parents ok with the fact that they are not being given an opportunity to parent their own child accordingly???

I would think that any other parent would be horrified that this was happening and would at least let me march in and give my son what for. Does she realise his parents may not want the repercussions of him being on a sexual offences register, just because the mother of said 12yo thinks it is ok?

What has this planet come to?!

(and just so you know, I was coerced into a sexual relationship at 11, that meant my ds was born when I was just 13. I thought I knew what was going on, thought I was incredibly clever, but on reflection, it has caused me much mental and emotional distress)

My first thought is could it be bravado? Just because she is asking for condoms and suggesting she's used them all, there's no actual guarantee that she is sexually active?

Secondly. Poor kids. Both of them