AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

turn it around for a minute.

My housewife is just as lazy.
She has also not worked for 15 years, instead getting to stay at home.

Anyway now that the kids have grown up I thought it was time that she started pulling her weight and earning her keep.

I sent her off on a course to learn how to do some office work for me, that maybe one day she could grown into her very own little business, it wasn't a cheap course either.
but after a couple of days training (using MY money) she's still pretty slow at it. (nowhere near as good as the previous professional that I had hired.)

I thought a job like this, which to be fair is only a bit of a part time thing, would give her some get up and go in life, something to aim for, maybe one day her business could be successful like mine.. but she's just as lazy.

Now I work a long day to provide and I don't think it's too much to think that in that 8 hours that the house shouldn't be cleaned?
I mean that's a long time right, especially now that the kids are grown up, it not like she has to do any real parenting, so why isn't the house clean enough?

It's ridiculous, just like your husband she sleeps in, so I have to do things like that the bins out (as well as working, what is she doing with her days?!)

She does have a few hobbies, playing games with friends on-line, and has weirdly excelled at this, maybe I should take away the computer and hope that without distractions things might actually get done to my satisfaction?

Does that help you realise just how unreasonable you are being?

Just how bad your treatment of someone that has "not worked" for 15 years whilst they raised your family? -it sounds as though this was with very little thanks or acknowledgement.

It's not bad to that after a life time of working to raise a family that a person of any gender might feel a bit lost.
Equally, it's not bad to wish that they'd find themselves and find something to do other than playing computer games...

But at the end of the day it sounds like you treat him like a child and so he acts like one.

I see nothing wrong with playing computer games, it's just the same as any more "high brow" hobbies, whether that's spending an evening in a local acting troop, playing a musical instrument, reading etc...

after a day of dealing with either work, kids or whatever sometimes it's nice to curl up with your significant other and hear about their day, sometimes it's good to spend a little time one your own, either in a book or on a computer.

The trouble with computer games I would have thought notauniquename, is that it can encourage bad habits, particularly bad study habits that might rub on children studying for exams. Whereas with other hobbies, e.g. where you actually have to go somewhere to do something, they tend to finish after a certain time and not spill over into your normal life. Now I am sure you are going to say there is a fortune in gaming, etc. but not everyone is going to make a fortune or even a career out of it.

poster notauniquename

Well said personally I think op has brought in the gambling aspect o bolster her position

Sure, games can encourage bad habits...
it can cause you to be lazy, waste time etc...

It can also encourage team working, Fair play, quest based "play" encourages setting and reaching "goals" and working to reach them. clan based games encourages people to find skills as leadership directing a team etc.

(in kids of course, you should probably already understand that as an adult.)

It might be worth noting that the "games" talked about are free multiplayer online games, not video poker etc.

YANBU it does sound like it's him that needs to change.He sounds like he's got in a rut and he need's a kick up the arse to get him moving again.

I was a SAHM for years and I did all the housework on my own whilst raising children one of whom is disabled.My OH never came home to a mess and me expecting help with everything.

I've also been a single Mum to 4DC,one of them is disabled.I worked part time as well,went to college part time and was Chair woman of Surestart and I still managed to clean the house and do the cooking all on my own.

If he's playing online games for 8 hours a day I'm not surprised he's not getting anything else done.

ScrummyPup, yes DH went to work at the supermarket a couple of years ago.

Given the OP's working life they are in the perfect position to be flexible about her DH's working hours.

It doesnt actually matter what that first paid job is. It wont define the rest of the DH's working life. What is important is getting a job. Quite simply the best qualification for getting a job is having a job.

poster notauniquename

Totally agree! Thanks for posting this.

Quite simply the best qualification for getting a job is having a job.

A supermarket job wouldn't cut much ice in my current field. Or about four dozen other sectors.

But then you lost me at "big boy pants".

Maybe not ArsenicFaceCream. However OP's DH hasnt got a job in any field at all at the moment. He needs to start at the bottom. This means getting any job to start with.

BTW DH was quite happy with my description of him having had to put on his big boy pants so maybe he just isnt that precious!

The point is, for a lot of careers training + interning/volunteering would be a better approach.

This strange MN obsession with supermarket and warehouse work (when there isn't a pressing financial need) might actually hamper the chances of someone establishing a better paid career.

Agree with Arsenic.

Retraining,research,filling out forms and interviews eats up a lot of time.

I hope op is going to do her fair share when her dh goes back to work and is planning for it.

My dh has had to take on loads since I returned,it was a big shock.The extra stress for all on the family has taken some getting used to.

15 years is a long time out of the workplace. Most people I know at least went part time when the children started school.

Not working at all for 15 years suggests that he really is not that keen to work outside the home, otherwise he would have made the effort to keep a toe in the water, which would have really helped now.

I couldn't stand for my partner not to have worked at all for 15 years & I reckon my DH would feel the same. I think you have left this drift for a long time, which makes it harder to address.

Do you think your DH really wants a job? Or does he secretly think he can drag his heels & be financially supported for ever?

Granted, however it depends on the sector. The last time I recruited I chose the person with the very basic office experience over the person with internship type experience - I was recruiting a trainee and wanted someone who would be building up their experience.

The thing about supermarket work is that supermarkets are open for a large number of hours so it can be easier to start with a few hours then build up from there. In our experience that was easier to fit in with everything else.

Getting a few hours work of any sort will not stop OP's DH doing some training, getting an internship, whatever. What it will do is boost the household income by a few hundred pounds per month (given that they are in receipt of tax credits I guess they arent rolling in it).

realistically, supermarkets most often offer 0 hours contracts now.

you are never sure of your starting time, finishing times, whether work will fit around the house kids etc, and refusing an inconvenient shift can mean not getting any more shifts for a while.

maybe a few years ago getting a little job in a supermarket for some sort of pocket money was an obvious answer, not so much today.

I hope op is going to do her fair share when her dh goes back to work and is planning for it.

I hope so too, because it sounds like she will be doing less than she is now! If they split it 50/50 then he will be doing more than he is now.

This strange MN obsession with supermarket and warehouse work (when there isn't a pressing financial need) might actually hamper the chances of someone establishing a better paid career.

You would have to be pretty gullible to take everything written on mumsnet as gospel. In fact, considering the amount of mixed messages, I suspect the danger of someone missing a better paid career due to obtaining supermarket work as a result of posts on mumsnet is negligible.

You sound very controlling OP. Everything has to be done on your terms.

I agree with notauniquename. If this was a man posting this about a woman, he'd be flayed alive. Just because you bring home money does not mean DH owes you for it. You are a team, you are not doing him a favor.

You've basically used your husband as a free child carer and house keeper while it was convenient for you. It was very convenient for his career to be put on hold for 15 years while it suited you. You have stripped him of any independence. The money isn't even shared it's all "yours". He's living under your thumb, and you expect him to be thankful for the experience.

The fact that he didn't rightfully tell you to fuck off for taking away his iPad that was a present from his father, and actually cowed to your demands shows how much you have chipped away at his self esteem over the years.

Instead of demanding he get just a job, start figuring out what he wants to do and support getting him there.

Chandler Ha! True.

notauniquename your reframing of it with a house wife was really unbalanced and unfair to the OP, you could equally reframe it like this:

My wife has been a sahp / housewife for 15 years. Our youngest child is now 9. While we originally agreed on this arrangement it it now no longer working for me / us as a family.

Currently the work load is shared like this: I work x hours per week self employed. I also take responsibility for various admin tasks including things like social events for the children. I do a fair share of the housework and childcare when not working, for example my wife prefers to lie in in the mornings so I am always responsible for getting up to put the bins out.

We have discussed my wife going back to work several times but she doesn't know what she wants to do, she's not really interested in discussing it and isn't making any effort to actually look for work. I have tried to support her to find something she likes and she went on a book keeping course to try and improve her prospects, this was my suggestion as she still hadn't thought about anything she wanted to do herself.

We agreed that she would do some book keeping work for my business (as a paid employee) so she could gain some experience and possibly start a new career. However, she has repeatedly let me down, failing to meet agreed deadlines which have caused problems for the business.

She has also taken the IPad that I use for work and has been using it to play computer games on for 8 hours a day , meaning it's not available for business use. I've had to reclaim it for work and ask her not to use it.

I don't know what to do now, I feel like I'm doing more than my share of work and she seems to have no motivation to change it. She has a lot more leisure time than me, which she mostly uses to play games and I am starting to feel resentful.

How can I encourage her to look for work? Or at least do the work for the company that she's being paid for?

• I've not bothered to mention the gambling since I don't think it's necessary to bolster anyone's case.

I don't think it makes a jot of difference the genders in this case, the point is that one half of the couple is doing more than their fair share and the other half appears to be perfectly happy with the status quo.

Also, as the OP works from home and is self employed I'm sure she's prepared for inset days and sickness and can do school runs if needed, though my DD walked herself to school at 10 so maybe they won't be necessary.

To be fair, it's not actually his Ipad. OP said it was a gift from his father, yes. But to help her set up the business, not for family use.

But the DC are allowed to use it for games.

Firstly bookkeeping and then accountancy are probably the worst careers you could pick for a disorganised, gambling addict who is reluctant to work and doesn't seem to appreciate deadlines. Secondly getting 100% in a bookkeeping test shows nothing more than an ability to memorise a process written in a book, it certainly doesn't mean you are fit to be a bookkeeper or you can apply the rules to a real business.

Ultimately you have enabled your DH to be financially irresponsible in order to control him, you have far bigger trust and relationship issues than his laziness and your need to control things.

Mandatorymongoose Except your post makes it seem like good teamwork is going on before the problem and you see dear wife as an equal who you respect. She simply isn't pulling her weight. There's alot of "we" and "us" in that post.

OP makes it pretty clear that she doesn't see DH as an equal. That's the crux of the issue. They're not a team with a united front. She didn't reclaim the iPad for work, she banned DH from the iPad. It's clear from her posts that she's very much the alpha in charge of everything, and he goes along with it. It doesn't sound like he has an equal say in anything.