AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

Ah, he's avoiding me.

And cleaning like a daemon.

I think he maybe just bored. He is very clever and can apply himself when he wants to. Especially to mathematics, which is why I thought that book-keeping would be good. And his course marks prove that he's good at it. And he is proud of his 100% and 98% marks.

I used to do all the after-school stuff, the parent/teacher meetings, homework help, home/school/work diary etc. I organise parties, presents, cards and keeping in-touch with family.

As the children have needed me less, I have done less with them. They now organise their own play with friends. They help with the housework (when prodded) like making their own packed-lunches, putting away washing and vacuming their rooms. I still get involved in their homework and organise things for them to do. I buy their clothes, shoes activities, so DH doesn't have to pay for any of that.

He does the shopping (delivered), evening meals, washing-up and repairing/keeping house. He manages his budget for house-keeping on his own and believe me I try not to get involved with that unless for example we are having soup and beans again for the last week before he gets benefits.

Yes, I have stepped back from housework, as have been starting a business from one laptop from dinner table to a fully operational office. Now, have more time away from work as have a very efficient PA who helps with admin and marketing for the business on the go for me. Much less stress. And more time to be with family.

We are just starting to get back on to an even keel and am not one to give up on a 18 year relationship over some book-keeping argument.

I know I will get shot down for pointing this out but do you think he may be ASD? Very good at maths, gaming etc
Also when I get stressed I clean obsessively as a coping mechanism.
It is just a thought please do not be offended.

My 13 year will play all day on his iPhone on clash of the clans game. Not sure if this is the same game dh is on. According to my ds this game is time consuming to progress but you can spend real money to improve your clan. Maybe this is where the money has gone? Especially if he is clan leader.

You have a small window of a year or 2 before you will need next to no childcare, not so long after that the child benefit will finish.

Ask your dh what will he do for beer pool and fag money then?

If he was making a contribution to the household in tangible non financial terms like housework shopping as well as saving childcare costs etc then that's ok but soon that situation will end as the children get older and if he isn't actually doing anything round the house well...?
Yes he is probably lacking in confidence from being out of the work place, maybe he is depressed but he is an adult and has to take responsibility for himself.
So OP you need to talk to him and ask what he sees happening in 2 years when dc are in secondary and don't need childcare as such, what happens when the tax credits don't pay out, what happens in a few more years when dc leave school and child benefit isn't paid?

Dh can use this time to think about what he wants to do and maybe make some plans, retrain voluntary work part time work etc.
Because otherwise he will end up as a cocklodger and the OP could decide she's better off doing online shopping and getting a cleaner and dumping his sorry ass.

What was his job when you met him and before the children were born?

You mentioned that he had a gambling habit when you met him.
Obviously you chose to ignore that red flag.
What was his job when you met him?

It's hard to get back into work when you've been a stay at home parent for a long time. If and when he does go back out to work, I hope you have a plan for taking random days off when the children are sick or have inset days, OP. Also you will have to do a lot more housework. And shopping. Household tasks will have to be shared more equally.

If the children are old enough to help with housework, then that's a conversation you and DH need to have together, and a problem you have ti tackle jointly with the children. It takes several months to rearrange a household following a major shift (eg previously SAHP going back to work). You will all need to pull your weight more.

Re-adjusting to a new way of life takes a few weeks at least. It would help if you were not infantilising your DH.

It will be really hard to breakinto employment and volunteering if he were interested in it would help to provide up to date references too. He'll really struggle otherwise.

You seem very determined to sustain the relationship - what are the positives he brings to it?

raltheraffe

Not offended.

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IDontDoIroning

Yes, that's it Clash of Clans. He spends hours on it, not money. And my son. So I guess it has brought them together, but hell on annoying when playing it for hours a day.

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ilovesooty

Army, Carpets (retail & heavy lifting), Fryer (fish and chips shop - where we met), Carpets (retail & heavy lifting). Then, I was pregnant (had several miscarriages and so thought I couldn't have children). We decided that I should carry on working as had opportunity for career advancement and DH would stay at home.

I see. So he hasawork history but very possibly hasskills andattributeshe has yet to explore. I wonder if he'd be open to looking at these himself?This is very good: there's a book and kindle version too.

itunes.apple.com/us/app/what-color-is-your-parachute/id605634381?mt=8

He gets more than enough money to run the household.

I keep my money separate so I can pay for the mortgage and bills without worrying if he has spent it.

Would you hand-over money for the mortgage to an ex-gambler? I doubt it.

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Why do I want to still be with him? Because he is kind, caring, is great with the children and we love each other. We think very much alike. Like the same books and films. We're both feminists, have the same view on the world. However, we are both stubborn.

I think that we may spend maybe too much time in each other's pockets, so it would be good for him to get a job out of the house. Am not work-shy about housework. Several of my friend's have their partner involved in the business and I thought it might work here. It hasn't worked, but there you go.

Thanks for letting me air my dirty-washing in public!

And for thanks all your replies.

ScrummyPup depending on where you are and how picky you want to be I dont agree. My DH went back to work after many years as a SAHP . Initially he retrained into a trade but then found that it was near impossible to break into the local market especially in the teeth of a recession.

So he got a job at the local supermarket working in the warehouse. Not glamourous and not using his brain but it got him back into employed work.

It was a big step for DH as he was nervous having been out of work for a number of years. However, he put his big boy pants on and got on with it.

Lots of people would rather do interesting and fulfilling things but unless they actually earn some money we call them hobbies.

Gnome congratulations to your husband but it doesn't follow that getting into employment after such a long time out will be as easy for everyone.

When did he do that though GnomeDePlume? In the last few years? A friend of mine recently applied for a job locally and was up against hundreds of people. A friend's husband worked in retail between jobs a couple of years ago and said the high-street shop was staffed by people who mostly had masters, but often had PhDs too. I'm not sure about unskilled work locally, but I imagine it would be much the same.

I'd be inclined to ask him to do more domestic stuff - more of the things that you currently do like parties, presents, cards, social activities for dc, shoes, etc. Most long term SAHMs would do that stuff.

Seems more realistic than expecting him to find work, and it doesn't sound like you need him to be earning.

if work is preferable, perhaps he could offer a bit of bookkeeping at a low cost to some local businesses and see if any bite? way to build up his skills and hopefully he'd be less likely to procrastinate if it was for a third party not you. I think him working for you is not the best idea, though can see why you did it.

PS I am generally very much a "family money" person but not with an ex gambler who has hidden debt. no way.

OP if his gambling is that much of an issue then it sounds as thought he has quite serious ishoos. Would it be worth getting to the bottom of those rather than scratching at the surface and trying to get him back to work?

my sil went back to work after 16 yrs of being at SAHM, apparently they were delighted to have people who where multi taskers, & had a real organisation skills !

I'm not sure that book keeping is an ideal career for someone who cannot be trusted with money due to gambling.
Depending where you live warehouse work may be available, but the hours won't suit the school run and school holidays.

I'm struggling to understand why you'd get a known gambler who has already fraudulently taken several thousand pounds from you to do your books.

I'd discourage the book-keeping entirely to be honest. If he fiddles your business then your career and home is at risk. If he steals from somebody else, you risk having your reputation tainted too.

The advice above to have all of your accounts, credit records etc checked is very sound.

He needs to find a way to contribute to the household. It would reasonable for the SAHP and the WOHP to share household tasks when the children are pre-school age. When the children are at school all day, he should be spending that time making sure the household chores are done, and perhaps retraining or volunteering in a career which he has chosen.

If the ipad is for the business, reclaim and use it for the business.

I was thinking the book keeping may not be ideal too, mainly because it's at home it's for his dw etc. it might be better for him to do something with more focus and structure away from home and all the temptations of the online games etc, eg retail or volunteering where he has to be in a place by a certain time and stay there for x hours and do these set of tasks.
If he's got a forces background has he thought about applying as a special constable or the TA?

You say you love your H but it's difficult to see under all your obvious contempt for the man.

Your parent/ child approach to resolving conflicts has brought you here and your reluctance to look at your contribution to this dynamic is an extension of your 'he's the problem'attitude.

Your marriage has issues, which will require a joint effort and not the usual dictats from you as to what these issues are and how they must be resolved.

I do not think OP has contempt for her DH Isetan I think that is a bit harsh. I think she is just a bit frustrated with him.

He sounds an utter lose. I might have earned 10x what my children's father earned ultimately but we both had a very similar work ethic. I could not have tolerated even for a day a man without a similar work ethic. He did a lot of my work admin for a time and was just as quick and efficient at it as I was. Can't you just agree working hours with him? Loads of spouses work for the other spouse - just because you are male does not mean you cannot do it. The problem here is he is very lazy.

ScrummyPup For goodness sake, OP - just get staff and either a decent vibrator or a friend-with-benefits and let the poor man out of his misery.

What a way with words. This man sounds as if he is in clover, not misery.

What is the obsession with shared bank accounts on mumsnet? I thought it was something that went out with the ark!