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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

226 replies

casbie · 01/01/2015 10:25

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

OP posts:

TheChandler · 01/01/2015 10:51

Well, if you're not happy to pay for him to stay at home then he's going to have to work, isn't he?

Same response as to men and women.

Whats to like about a man with such bad habits FayKorgasm? I certainly wouldn't want him!

plantsitter · 01/01/2015 10:52

You talk about him with contempt. 'My House husband' FFS. Yes I'm sure he could pull his finger out a bit more but perhaps he is depressed? SAHP is not valued in society (I suspect even more for fathers even more so once the 'ooh you are a saint' thing has worn off). His role as full time parent to small children has ended. Having your wife (or husband) as your boss must be shit. You should prob talk about or encourage him to get a job outside the house... But 'expecting' him to? How demeaning.

Unexpected · 01/01/2015 10:52

What are "weeklies"?

christmaspies · 01/01/2015 10:53

Yanbu

ShootTheMoon · 01/01/2015 10:53

As usual, drip feeding relevant information changes things a bit.

Tyzer85 · 01/01/2015 10:54

You are not being unfair, if that was my partner I'd seriously be thinking about the relationship.

What led to him becoming a stay at home dad?

MinceSpy · 01/01/2015 10:54

Sorry just seen that iPad is business tool, ban away for Jim and kids.

TwinkleDust · 01/01/2015 10:55

'weeklies'..?

Do you mean that you both have the same amount of disposable income after commitments?

Yes, he does sound lazy. But you sound controlling and parental, rather than a partner. Why is that? Is it a response to his behaviour? That can't be nice for either of you.

It sounds like you have lost any respect for him. Would couples counselling help you both bring these issues out for neutral discussion to see how to move things forward?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 01/01/2015 10:56

Why can't he work when kids are at school??

Original poster

casbie · 01/01/2015 10:56

I guess I thought I was helping him out ... yes, the pay and course fees are being paid by the company, not me personally.

I guess I can't be objective about it.

From a business point of view it is madness to pay someone to do a job, that I could do myself or pay someone else to do much better and on time.

From a personal point of view, I don't know what to do. I do love him, he is the father of my children and they are beautiful, fun and happy children because he agreed to stay at home and look after them. He is terribly kind, likes routine and the 'safeness' of being at home.

crying now

OP posts:

PoppySausage · 01/01/2015 10:59

What does he want?

Original poster

casbie · 01/01/2015 11:00

Weeklies are food shop, tobacco, wine, beer money, going out money (he goes down the pub once a week to play pool), dog food etc.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2015 11:01

Ok having read the new comments (and the 8hr on ipad i missed as a cross post) YANBU!!!!! Ffs he has MAJOR ISSUES!!!! Counselling now. Jesus that about of debt and deceit is a reason to leave him.

FelineLou · 01/01/2015 11:03

I think you need to take this slowly. Find out what he would like to do and let the family finances help him into a career that he would enjoy.
It is not healthy to spend so long on computers so can you get him to come with you to a gym or jogging.
He has got set in "stay at home mode" and needs to be helped out of it. But you should consider your approach and be more assist and less ban. Do what is good for him.
Crying wont help, loving care will.

skildpadden · 01/01/2015 11:05

I would find it frustrating all right, in your shoes, but I found it very difficult to get bakc in to the work place after 11 years. I had tried and had had a lot of rejections. It was very hard to get a job. Not just because there were so few jobs but because I lacked confidence.

I'm sure you've been told that he probably feels a lot of anger towards you too, for banning him from things, for making all the big decisions, for 'paying' for him to do a bookkeeping course.

raltheraffe · 01/01/2015 11:05

It sounds to me like he has got himself into a rut. What incentive does he have to work when he can live as a kept man?
I am not sure employing him directly is the best way to go. I have a small business and employed DH in a role he could do. It was very difficult to do this as DH is totally blind and cannot read Braille, but I found him a position he could safely do, albeit far slower than an able bodied person. He only lasted a few hours at it.
It is also going to be tough for him to get into employment with a 15 year gap on his CV.
Perhaps discuss with him whether he wants a job and if so in what area. He may need further training to get specific careers.
I think some voluntary work would be a great idea to get something on his CV and give him a bit of confidence. It may be that he find employment daunting.

Feellikescrooge · 01/01/2015 11:06

If this was a man referring to his DW like this you would get a flaming.

expatinscotland · 01/01/2015 11:10

Not from me. If a man were posting about his wife like this I'd tell him to leave her. Lazy, gambling, on computer 8 hours a day, doing FA smoking and drinking.

skildpadden · 01/01/2015 11:11

mine was a gentle flaming i thought!

not because I want to tell off the OP, but because I relate more to her husband, and it is incredibly demoralising, a decade of staying at home, you just don't feel you can compete with either people your own age who kept their finger in, or younger people and their.... youth! chasing any lead or makinng a phone call seems terrifying. The prospect of rejection can only demoralise you more. sometimes you might think i'm ok here. you take stock and think, yeh i do have to get a job in the future but i have to pace the rejections or i'll go under (mentally).

ilovesooty · 01/01/2015 11:12

The term "house husband" is utterly disrespectful and demeaning.

Yes I'd have issues with someone who contributed so little to the household but it appears he has lost any sense if personal self respect and confidence and you are instrumental in that.
I think your attitude to him us controlling and the best thing you could do us employ someone to do the books and encourage him to take on volunteering roles and return to work courses to enhance his employability while getting well away from the household.

skildpadden · 01/01/2015 11:14

Ralterraffe, yes, voluntary work a good idea, I worked in a nursing home for a short while (hated it but it had the decided advantage of making me feel young again. I realised, young is not just 25 on a billboard selling sun glasses, young is 'not living in this hell'). Not the realisation you want from a volunteer perhaps but I wasn't trying to work there permanently. It made me feel young enough, that I had time to sort out my life. And then I put it on my cv .......

skildpadden · 01/01/2015 11:15

Also, you're trying to 'mentor' him and I get it, but when I was in that demoralised slump myself, I hated hearing other people's helpful suggestions. so is there anyybody else who could 'mentor' him with guidance. A brother maybe, where it would be less effecting to the relationship.

Somemothers · 01/01/2015 11:16

This is the problem you think you have been keeping him rather than looking after the children doing the house witch is a valuable job he should go back to work when he's good and ready

This is my view why men who earn less than their wife's never work because the women don't respect them and if often resented

And no doubt the assertions that he dose nothing is to make her seem like the exhausted super mum who dose everything and him the leech husband who dose nothing

She has no clue what he dose as she is at work all day which she has gone to grate pains to tell us also of I had such a awful partner I am sure I would hide my debt to openness come from people feeling safe and loved

I would imagin she makes him pretty much beg for evey penny

Original poster

casbie · 01/01/2015 11:16

My sister says he has the life of riley (sp?).

Even his mates down the pub think he has a great life.

I want him to think about the next 30-40 years of working life. What kind of career can he start in his mid-forties? I thought book-keeping, then becoming an accountant would be great. As you can build up the business from home or work for other local companies. Now is the ideal time to start learning something before youngest goes to big school and eldest goes to university.

He doesn't want anything to change, at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

casbie · 01/01/2015 11:21

Somemothers

I work from home office, which is why I know how much housework he does.

And how much daytime TV and playing on the iPad he does.

And why am so exasperated that have turned to an online forum for help!

OP posts:

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