AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

[ilovesooty]

She sounds desperate _ no maybe about it.

I think both parties sound very unhappy and both parties need to take responsibility for making things better, and professional intervention might even be something to look at if necessary

[greenfolder]

I think you need to take back book keeping. Tell him it's clearly not his thing and that's ok. Have a proper chat about division of chores. Tell him he needs to get out of the house more and get a part time job. And leave him to it.

[casbie]

We have three children and they are wondering what the situation is.

They keep wanting to reassure both of us.

But to be honest still too angry and upset to share anything with them. Which makes me feel even more upset.

----

My family is also very wealthy, but am distanced from them and so have always had to stand on my own two feet/dance on a tightrope financially.

[Bogeyface]

I dont get why the OP is getting such a hard time.

He stays at home but does little or no housework. He spend all his time on an ipad that belongs to the business not the family, he has diverted nearly £4k from their mortgage account that he cannot account for (sounds like its been gambled if he has form) and when asked to do the job he is being paid for and agreed to do he creates a blazing row and storms off.

Yet the OP is controlling?!

How about he is a lazy entitled asshole who wants the money without doing the work?

And yes, I would be equally disgusted with a woman who behaved like this.

[AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves]

I used to be a SAHM. I have a hunch that a great many of the YABU reactions on this thread are from current SAHMs feeling got at.

For what it's worth, OP, I think you're being perfectly reasonable. The deal with being a SAHP is that you do all the stuff that the other person isn't there to do so that when you're both there you get some decent family time rather than having to run around doing things that could quite easily have been done when the children are at school. He's not fulfilling his side of the bargain.

[SaucyJack]

Why would he want to change?

He gets to laze about all day whilst the OP goes out to work and the kids are at school.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

[casbie]

Thanks for all your messages - really helps to see this from the outside in.

I don't mind whether for or against original argument.

still crying

[ilovesooty]

I fully understand why the OP feels angry and frustrated. What I don't understand is why so many posters actually seem to think her husband us fulfilled and happy as things are. It certainly doesn't sound like it to me.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

FWIW OP I think retraining IS the only possible approach after 15 years out of the job market. But he needs to find his own path and motivation. If you try to push him up that mountain you will collapse.

[SuperFlyHigh]

OP to be honest my DB was like your DH eg entitled and my parents are also well off. Where's my DM helps me out as and when but not much (I don't ask) my DB has always been on the sidelines various excuses for slacking off, dodging out of courses etc.

Thank goodness my DB met his DW who along with his family (they're be much into education and further education but also encouraging) it made my DB feel the odd one out so he trained. But his DW though at start helped with essays etc certainly distanced herself when it came to other stuff (as it should be).

There must have been a raw nerve hit (did you say more about it here?) re bookkeeping and the row. We're assuming all sorts but only he knows (and you know so much as the DW) how he feels.

I can imagine its scary (was for DB he was adamant no supermarket work) for DH to enter work scenarios or veer from his v comfy set up but he has to see life from you/DC point of view/setting examples now.

I hope this gets sorted for you.

[SuperFlyHigh]

ilovesooty her DH is probably like my DB was an expert at playing a part, smiling and saying it's ok on outside yet inside depressed at not having a job, having to ask DW for money to do stuff (in a nice way) and seeing most other people have jobs and cope and he can't seem to. It's so much more different for a mans self esteem if they're seen as non providers and many hide it so I wouldn't just jump to the conclusion the ops DH is lazy and happy with his lot.

[TheKhalisirules]

ilovesooty - the term 'house husband' is DEMEANING?!
Really?! And why the fuck is house wife ok?
And also - 'how you encourage him to move forward into employment is something only you can know'. WTF?!

You give OP a flaming either way! She came here for advice and I think she is being grilled for being one of the MINORITY of WOMEN who bring home the bacon and actually WANTING something in return.

OP Your mistake is being a WOMAN is is fed-up with a lazy, childish, kept man.
And of course that you are not diplomatic enough for the fucking judges and juries of mn to like you.

YANBU. You should have drawn a very strong line when he stole FROM HIS FAMILY 5 years ago. He stole mortgage money - he stole from his kids.

Fuck diplomacy.

[OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat]

If he doesn't want to do office type work, what about the building trade?

My DP went on a 2 day course to learn how to drive telehandlers (like a forklift truck) which was free due to some government scheme and now does casual work in the winter through agencies (he has another job in the summer). It is all self employed so no certainty, but some contracts can last for months and he sometimes earns £500 pw or more.

YANBU at all to expect him to pull his weight. It would be fine for him not to work as long as you could afford it and he did most or all housework to a reasonable standard, cooking, admin, food shopping, gardening, DIY, wrap around childcare, etc etc and you were both happy with the arrangement and you had looked into the future with regards to when tax credits/CB ends and then after retirement, but you are not, so something needs to change.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

But how do you force an adult Khalis?

They need to want to do something.

If the OP backs right off she might be surprised. Or she might not. But at least he won't have the excuse of being railroaded/controlled/manipulated/nagged.

[raltheraffe]

The gambling part is quite relevant to his behaviour with gaming.
Gaming is addictive, hence the reason I live in an X-box and PS free house, because if I got started on it I would never stop.
He may need help with cutting back on the gaming as it cannot be good for mental health spending all day on a console like that.

[GnomeDePlume]

I dont get why any SAHP is allowed to sit around waiting for the muse to strike once circumstances change and the need is for the SAHP to start earning?

The WOHP doesnt get that luxury.

[ilovesooty]

Khalis Perhaps you could indicate where I said that the term housewife is ok? You can't because I didn't. So wind your neck in and stop putting words into my mouth or interpreting what I said to suit yourself.

[ilovesooty]

And what is wrong with saying how she encourages him is something only she can know? How is that flaming? She's living this relationship - we aren't. And you have the fucking nerve to rant about judges and juries?

[mix56]

SAHM look after house, food, cooking, kids, school stuff, & may well do the books too. It seems your idle H is not doing much of the above, & on top is pinching money to gamble.. I would tell him the holiday's over, & to get his lazy arse down to the job centre. If he refuses, there doesn't seem much point in continuing a "partnership" with him

[ilovesooty]

I think if he isn't receptive to an action plan and not prepared to pull his weight insisting on getting to the job centre and signing on is not at all unreasonable.

[TheKhalisirules]

Arsenic I don't think OP should force him in any way.
I am just absolutely furious that she gets a flaming for being exasperated about his behaviour. None of us are perfect women, partners, diplomats.
I think she came here because she was hoping for advice. Tough love is possible without a beating.

Having a conversation in the lines of 'I know you are content with your current role, but we need more if we are to secure our future' is perfectly acceptable.

Yes, I am absolutely furious on OP's behalf for being thrown under the bus. And I didn't mean that many women don't work. I myself am a single mom with a mortgage and a dd at uni.
I meant if there is a SAHP it is largely accepted as ok if that person is female.

[casbie]

Okay, have stopped crying now.

What I don't want is a divorce. We have a great family-life. We are a few years away from paying off the mortgage and the children leaving home for university. What I don't want is to do is end up with a business, but no marriage or kids.

I can see how he sees my work as threatening and myself as a bit high and mighty. I work less and less with visible outputs and more and more with datasets and coding. It may seem as though I am just fussing with computers, but actually I work really hard in a specialised field.

I think I will keep my mouth shut for the moment and just do some nice things for him to ease the conversation towards 'so what are you going to do with the rest of your life? and I hope it includes me?!'.

[ilovesooty]

If that's what you're angry about Khalis I fail to see why you've singled me out for your venom. I suggested that the OP has every right to make her husband absolutely aware of how unhappy she is.

[TheKhalisirules]

ilovesooty
you didn't. We as a people use term housewife. It might not be the politically corrent term most preferred but no one would think of it as 'demeaning'.

I have the nerve because you have a problem with what she says but don't give her what she came her for. If she knew how to solve the problem she would not have exposed herself to us.

Oh yes, we are the judge and jury. Just read through the post. There is no malice in that sentence.