AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

[mathanxiety]

Two things jump out from your recent posts --
Stress on your part.
Some sort of competition and resentment dynamic is at play here as to who does the most/least.

You are not managing the stress element of running your own business very well. How much discussion went into the decision to run your own business? How much ongoing discussion of time issues has gone on as the business enters different phases? How has this been couched?

• general resentment that DH has an easy life while you work your fingers to the bone ('I work hard on starting a business, get it to a stage where I can actually look further than next week and I find him on the sofa again playing computer games')..
  
• irritation at specific jobs not done while you are out bringing home the bacon (you mention the bins)..
  
• hurt at lack of appreciation on the part of DH for your efforts on behalf of the family (he took money for gambling that you had worked for)..
  
  You need to ask yourself a few questions:
  Are you better suited to the domestic end of things or is DH?
  Are you better suited to running your own business than DH might be to having a job?
  Why have you been involved to the extent that you have over the years in running the home and organising the children's lives?
  On some important level do you have little confidence in the ability of your DH to get things done? Do you want things done your way? Do you believe deep down that you do things better?
  -- Why not leave the bin, and let DH deal 100% with the consequences of a bin that is not collected?
  
  Are you able to let DH run the home the way he wants to?
  There has been much talk here on this thread of how this would have been received if a man had posted instead of you. Fundamentally, this discussion is apropos. (Some of the comments have been a bit though -- stay at home partners, whether men or women, are not like children who can be directed and instructed as to how they should conduct their lives.)
  
  A lot of happy relationships 'business/domestic partnerships' if you will where one partner works outside the home and the other keeps things ticking over at home have in common the ability of each partner to let the other get on with their own sphere of work and neither has the impression that they answer to the other for small details such as putting the bin out. In other words, each has an area of complete autonomy and nobody is 'the boss'.
  They also tend to have a joint or family bank account used for family expenses like food, phones, family entertainment/TV/broadband, children's clothing, shoes, activities, mortgage, utility charges, insurance, cars, council taxes and holidays, etc., and individual spending accounts for each person, with the joint account available to each for scrutiny and perhaps one person as administrator but not 'owner'.
  It seems he is certainly not suited to working for you as bookkeeper there is a lot of passive aggression in his performance of that role (not good) but perhaps you have brought the same management approach to domestic management i.e. is it a mistake on your part to be so involved in managing the home and the children's lives, and how much room have you left him to do things his own way?
  
  Are you edging him out of a role he has been competing with you to fill over the years, now that your own business has reached a certain plateau? Are you in effect horning in on his racket and expecting him to accommodate you by finding another role?
  
  Yes, I think I can do it in a couple of hours, take youngest to school/walk the dog and still get my work done, before he gets back.
  I think you are that capable person I referred to earlier.
  What will accomplishing all the housework and walking the dog and taking the youngest to school and getting all your own work done achieve? Do you anticipate a good deal of satisfaction in being able to tell him 'Ha! I told ya'? There is a certain amount of passive aggression in your plan too. This is not good.
  
  ...I can't lead him there (like I have done with everything - I have to do it first, show him it can be done and then he reluctantly does it, then he actually realises he can do it and then tells me how brilliantly he can do it).
  
  For example: He had been learning to drive before me. I took lessons and encouraged him to do so too. It took me twice to pass my test. He took three times to pass his test. Would he have even got a driver's license without the nudge?
  
  Am just very exasperated in that am trying to help him out and yet I suppose I can't. Think he does need to get a grip and sort himself out.
  
  Has he been your 'project' right from the start? Are you a person who finds projects and devotes yourself to them? Is this a feature of your relationship? Is this part of what attracted you to him?
  Is there a certain amount of self-fulfilling prophecy going on here?
  
  What I am suggesting is that you have a script in your head about life in general and this man in particular -- it is something to be tackled and moulded into something more to your liking and under your own control (hence your decision to run your own business and your high level of involvement in the home even though you have someone there who might be able to tackle it all instead of you, and hence also your decision to send DH on a course and then employ him). This is part of the boundary issue that you have. People are not just pieces that can be moved around a game board, or clay that can be moulded and remoulded according to your own vision.
  
  You may be completely right that a qualification and a paying job would be great for your DH, and your motivation in trying to light a fire under him may be perfectly unassailable, but you can't just do that with people you share a bed with and expect them to say, 'Yes dear, I'll bend myself into any shape you want. Other people have done what you want me to do and I will too'. You are dealing with a specific person here, not 'other people'. If you got involved with this man in hopes of eliminating what was already there and creating something different entirely (he had a gambling habit when you met him) then you really need to examine your approach at a very fundamental level.
  
  On a practical level your approach to the question of a job is flawed. In the first place, you have already seen him fail to get a job in retail this has to have been a blow to his confidence btw but you are still insisting on him finding paid employment. There are specific circumstances you seem intent on ignoring here, namely that he has not had a job for 15 years, and this is a circumstance that is not to be taken lightly.
  
  Your management style is not efficient. It seems to be emotion driven - resentment being one of the main feelings. You have not looked rationally at the state of things and seem to have chosen a course based on a cost threshold and with your own convenience in mind (handy to have your own H as a bookkeeper and not to have to recruit one) rather than looking at what might suit his talents or his aims in the long term. That £200 was money poorly spent.
  
  It would be far smarter to sit down with DH and try to find a long term prospect for him, if that is what he wants. Or better still to spend money on marriage counselling initially and then in another year or so after a good deal of work on your relationship and your unexamined assumptions about people you could try discussing it all again, if it still seems important.

[maddening]

Can he speak to a careers expert?

Could he do a degree - in maths?

[MistressDeeCee]

No YANBU. Women do it all the time, don't they? Women have children and then get back into the workforce when their children are growing up. Life is often a case of "needs must" but then again I guess you know your DH is lazy. & also disrespectful - work is work, even if he is employed by you. Then again its the dynamics - he possibly doesn't like the thought of you being his employer. Or it could even be that he sees it as cushy, because you are his DW he doesn't have to do "real work" and can take the piss.

Hire someone else if its feasible, then think a bit more about how long you want to carry a dead weight in your life.

He still has gambling problems? On whose money?

I hope you manage to sort it out OP. You sound as if you are doing your best and pulling your weight in life

Aside from that - honestly..most of us wouldn't allow our growing DCs to be so idle why should a man get a free pass just because he has a wife to take up the slack? Whatever dynamic has been established he agreed to it..he's not a baby so he should be holding up his end of the bargain never mind the ins & outs. Its not as if you were sitting twiddling your thumbs whilst he was doing the childcare is it.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Lots and lots of people are like this. It is why ambitious hard working women (and men) can do well because most people are idle alsorans happy to lie around not doing much. it is just a shame when you marry one.

Wow you sound nice flowerfairy

[casbie]

Another thing is that we have had hardly any family support while raising our three children. We have mainly done it on our own. And I have the greatest respect for DH staying at home with three small children being run ragged.

However, things have changed. PIL are being very kind and offering to look after the children more (I nearly fall over in shock). They have looked after the kids at least four times a week, while I was away for work, to help DH out. And they are happy to look after while DH is at jury service, if I need to go to a meeting in the afternoon.

There really isn't a better time for him to look for a part-time job.

[skildpadden]

yup that's true flowerfairy2014, I'm an idle alsoran and I left my x because he found me such an idle alsoran. funny thing is i'm really content now pursuing what matters to me not what matters to him and relaxing in peace without being nagged. and years later, he's still pissed that I left him. He still can't accept it.

But, I do find I have more energy to do the things i've decided to do, so perhaps the OP and her husband just aren't good together.

[FlowerFairy2014]

Lots and lots of people are like this. It is why ambitious hard working women (and men) can do well because most people are idle alsorans happy to lie around not doing much. it is just a shame when you marry one. If he were home but doing masses of housework, family admin and all the rest - great. If he's not then you may need to think long term particularly once the children are teenagers if you really want to continue to support him. We have similar issues here in relation to adult children (he does come over a bit like a typical student age male child). Mine generally work hard but you have to think all the time about what is the right level of subsidy, if any and what their long term plans are and the like if they move back home after university as all 3 of my older ones did.

[casbie]

I guess what I am resentful about is the division of time.

I could work my guts out on the business, do more housework, play more with the children, spend more time with hubby and do more with the rest of the family. But, having done that for quite a few years and now with the children being older, why should I spend 24 hours a day stressed out?

Quite simply, I want him to pull his weight.

He can spend 8 hours a day on the housework if he wants and play on computers all evening and weekends. By the way, we have two family computers, plus my kit for work, so I am not harming his human rights to have fun.

However, what I see is that I work hard on starting a business, get it to a stage where I can actually look further than next week and I find him on the sofa again playing computer games. Not the 8 hours housework that he claims to be doing.

He is doing jury service next week and says I'll find it really hard to deal with the housework. Yes, I think I can do it in a couple of hours, take youngest to school/walk the dog and still get my work done, before he gets back. Work will have to take a back seat for a few weeks, but I have a spare pair of hands in the office I can now do that. And the children can muck-in.

Also, I think with jury service (having to turn-up on time, be presentable, listen to evidence), that might feel a bit like working?! Build up his confidence?

Meanwhile, I am just going to coast a bit, be encouraging and see if sheer boredom will get him to 'see the light'.

[ilovesooty]

I think that's a great post from mathanxiety and I really hope the OP will read it carefully as I think it gets to the core of the problem.

[comingintomyown]

I got back into work after a similar time out as your DH via a PT supermarket job which went FT with promotion and good training , this was three years ago

The truth is had I still been married I doubt I would've done that but post divorce I had few choices. I imagine your DH is a rabbit in the headlights not knowing how to go about a return to work and currently has the luxury of not needing to. Its not easy and I feel for you OP

[notauniquename]

I didn't re-write the post to say "hey look if a man wrote this then they'd be shot to pieces". -plenty of people already said that.

My point was it's difficult to empathise with what you are unfamiliar with.
and where relationships are concerned sometime it's maybe better to have a little "think" how you'd feel if the situations were reversed. (what if it's written in (or against) a gender that you would automatically align with?)

The example of sex given above is perfect in this regard.
where if a woman isn't getting enough, then you may hear people give suggestions not limited to buying sexy clothes, to more direct, sitting on him etc.
the point is take that advice:
Woman does not get enough sex, so advise to basically straddle him and tell him how much you want him.
That's not unreasonable advise, and for me (as a man) I'd love it if my DP did that (more)...
however.
my wife would not necessarily love it if i just one day mount her and tell her that I want "it". With an open frame of mind, in a relationship with plenty of sex both can be "nice", but in a relationship where one partner just doesn't want it the same advice given to a man starts to sound a lot like "why not just rape her?". -which (to state the obvious) isn't acceptable.

(back in the real world)
Whilst I don't think that the OP is exactly "fair" on her husband, and it does read as very commanding and controlling, even parenting, (Seriously you took away his toys!)
I don't think that the OP's husband is really all that "fair" on her either.
But the OP took the position of enabler for this behaviour a long time ago.

I guess the point is that my opinion is that the OP should have a think about what they are "expecting", and try to empathise with their husband, think how they might feel if the situations were reversed and OP's husband turned round one day saying "now that the kids are grown up I enrolled you on some courses".
Worse how would the OP feel if after attending said courses he proceeded to look over her shoulder telling her how to do it.

It's subtle belittling and devaluing of her husband that's gotten her into this situation. I don't think that the OP should just carry the blame for all of her husbands behaviour. I can't say if the OP's husband is depressed because that's a medical diagnosis I'm not a doctor and haven't met the OP's husband. it certainly sounds like the OP's husband needs to "pull his socks up" but it's (a) not always that easy, and (b) sounds like the OP might want to look at said socks afterwards and give a lecture on how they weren't pulled up far or fast enough, and how if she'd done it it's be done better...

Essentially (as others have said) there appears to be a complete lack on behalf of the OP to have any communication with her husband.
rather than picking a career out of a course catalogue for him, rather than assuming that he wants to work "for" the business, rather than watch over his shoulder and "mother" him, perhaps the OP needs to sit down and actually talk to him and find out what he wants to do. and not in the way or tone you might tell a teenager that it's time to stop playing games and they need to think about work or becoming a "useful member of society".


[b]Mandatorymongoose[/b] your re-write was basically still saying the same thing, e.g. she's trying to control him, it's not an ask or properly discussed thing, it's what she thinks he wants to do. what she nudges him towards.

I don't really buy into this Ipad is a business tool thing either.

The original post (to me) reads nothing more than a complaint from someone who say that they do all the work and are annoyed that after working a whole day they still have to put the bins out. and that their spouse should have all the housework done. -it's essentially a post saying that being the stay at home parent is easy, and that the spouse is lazy for not wanting to do more.

[sandgrown]

My DP would be quite happy to be a kept man. When he lost his job he sat around all day and it was a very difficult balance between trying to motivate him and not feel.like constantly criticising. I found it very frustrating to be working full time and any overtime I could get to keep our heads above water while he sat watching tv. He has a job now but it is only temporary and could end any time but he has stopped looking for permanent jobs. I empathise with the OP.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Doesn't sound like he wants to change op.

I think there's major cause for hope because we're told he reacts very well and perks up in response to positive feedback (high marks for his course, gaming success - not gambling BTW).

OP if you have to fake positivity and look for things to be positive about, do that.

How can I nudge him to get a grip and start to contribute. If not to my business, if not to the house-work, then by getting a job!

Just ask him his plans. Don't suggest, research, plan or organise.

By all means point out the need for a (modest?) second income, to at least replace tax credits etc when they go.

Hold state of play meetings every quarter. Cover mortgage forecast, pension planning. Ask him what he reckons he'll be able to earn, Leave it in his court. Staple your mouth shut between meetings if necessary except to praise the smallest progress he makes.

See where you are after a year.

Just what I would do.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

How did it work out for your DF and DM casbie?

[Doyouthinktheysaurus]

Doesn't sound like he wants to change op. You can't make him in to someone he's not and because you are earning and supporting him, he has no reason to force himself to do any kind of work.

I think you need to re evaluate and decide whether you can live with him being this way for the next however many years.......

I know I couldnt!

[ArsenicFaceCream]

bulbasaur I always get the impression when reading your posts that you are heavily biased in favour of stay at home parents and that, in your eyes, they can do no wrong and in fact tend to be victimised paragons. I would of course say or think exactly the same about a female parent of similarly aged children who insisted on staying at home at someone else's expense, who wasn't happy about it.

No - I think the divide on this thread is between people who believe in the power of carrots and people who believe in the efficacy of sticks

Maybe also having some insight into depression helps....

[ArsenicFaceCream]

No it's not her fault he is currently behaving the way he is Chandler.

But are we cheerleading her right to be frustrated, or are we problem-solving the issue?

Adults cannot be forced to do things. That is the key truth.

They are now in an impasse. Locked in a pattern. He is probably more impassive than is ideal, she is possiblymore controlling than is helpful. Which started first? Chicken and egg. Who cares? None of it is criminal. All very human and understandable.

But what OP wants to bring about is a more active partner. So - how can she influence the situation without entrenching him further? Overt persuasion entrenches him, that seems clear. Organising for him infantalises him... etc etc.

[SuperFlyHigh]

OP - I'd just like to say you're a far more patient woman than I am!

I get the way he learns as opposed to you etc and i get that everyone has either told you to:-

a) get a grip and tell him to shake up and no mollycoddling
or
b) hold his hand, feel sorry for him being out of work for so long and give it the softly softly approach

I think you're both lucky as if you were in dire poverty couldn't afford mortgage, food etc you certainly wouldn't be opting for option b and I hope you never have to.

I really don't know what to suggest but I'd urge you to get this sorted out ASAP, what sort of message does this send to your DC (all the problems, the ones they know about, the ones they don't etc)?

Good luck.

[TheChandler]

You can make all the excuses for this man that you like (its the OP's fault for not being precisely the sort of combination of perfection/enabler/nurturer/encourager, he's depressed, computer games are wonderful, etc., and how terrible that the OP doesn't run a more profitable business or hasn't won businesswoman of the year) but it boils down to the fact that he spends all day playing on a computer at someone else's expense, when there has been no agreement in place for him to do that.

Maybe its just him. This is the way he is. Or what he naturally defaults too ie if someone is there to earn the money, then he is happy to let them do so, so he doesn't have all the stress and responsibility that goes along with it.

Honestly, you are not responsible for motivating and encouraging another adult to find out what he wants to do in life. I think he has had a good run so far but he needs to motivate himself. I actually wouldn't do anything, as I think it is he who has to sink or swim. I think you do far too much for him.

bulbasaur I always get the impression when reading your posts that you are heavily biased in favour of stay at home parents and that, in your eyes, they can do no wrong and in fact tend to be victimised paragons. I would of course say or think exactly the same about a female parent of similarly aged children who insisted on staying at home at someone else's expense, who wasn't happy about it.

[casbie]

Okay, I had a very controlling father and so I know how this plays.

I have involved DH in every finance decision, discussed it and then we implemented it. He knows what goes in and what we need to spend it on.

I am looking to the future... how can I convince my DH that he can't sit on the sofa all day playing computer games and smoking for the next forty years?

How can I nudge him to get a grip and start to contribute. If not to my business, if not to the house-work, then by getting a job!

And from all your comments, I can't lead him there (like I have done with everything - I have to do it first, show him it can be done and then he reluctantly does it, then he actually realises he can do it and then tells me how brilliantly he can do it).

For example: He had been learning to drive before me. I took lessons and encouraged him to do so too. It took me twice to pass my test. He took three times to pass his test. Would he have even got a driver's license without the nudge?

Am just very exasperated in that am trying to help him out and yet I suppose I can't. Think he does need to get a grip and sort himself out.

[mathanxiety]

^I used to do all the after-school stuff, the parent/teacher meetings, homework help, home/school/work diary etc. I organise parties, presents, cards and keeping in-touch with family.

As the children have needed me less, I have done less with them. They now organise their own play with friends. They help with the housework (when prodded) like making their own packed-lunches, putting away washing and vacuming their rooms. I still get involved in their homework and organise things for them to do. I buy their clothes, shoes activities, so DH doesn't have to pay for any of that.

He does the shopping (delivered), evening meals, washing-up and repairing/keeping house. He manages his budget for house-keeping on his own and believe me I try not to get involved with that unless for example we are having soup and beans again for the last week before he gets benefits.

Yes, I have stepped back from housework, as have been starting a business from one laptop from dinner table to a fully operational office. Now, have more time away from work as have a very efficient PA who helps with admin and marketing for the business on the go for me. Much less stress. And more time to be with family.

We are just starting to get back on to an even keel and am not one to give up on a 18 year relationship over some book-keeping argument.

I am a bit puzzled here. Exactly what did your DH do before you scaled back your involvement with the children's lives?
You organise /pay for:
parties
presents/cards
family communication
homework
activities
shoe and clothes choice and buying

You used to organise playdates too.
You mention also that you have scaled back on housework that you used to do but you mention the (once a week presumably) bringing out of the bin.

Would you say you get very wrapped up in what you do both at work and in the home?

Are the sort of person who doesn't actually let other people get on with it much?
What would you say you do well in managing your PA and what would you say you do badly?
What qualities (if any) does your PA bring to the table that contribute to your good working relationship? I am not just talking about what functions she performs, but qualities/personality.
What I am asking is, are you the sort of person who does everyone else's job on top of your own?
Do you delegate well or poorly?

From your description of how your working relationship with your DH goes in the area of housework and childcare and DH's career and life choices, (and also from some throwaway phrases like 'my son' instead of 'our son' but this detail may be irrelevant) I would conclude that you do not seem to observe boundaries well, and I suspect that you do not delegate too well either.

Sometimes very 'capable' people fail at delegation because they tell themselves things like - 'This would be done quicker/better if I did it myself' or 'I am the only person who can get this done right', etc. It's an easy trap to fall into, mostly because if you're a very capable person, you are right, things will get done better and faster, and done right if you do them. But while you are busy everyone else is left spinning their wheels, and the second you stop working and look around you can see everyone else sitting there like lumps -- but they are sitting there because you have done everything better/faster/and more right than they could, and exasperation sets in but it's partly your own fault because better management skills could avoid much stress and much frustration. Marriage is like management in that if you end up ignoring the means by which the end is achieved you are going to end up divorced or with a high turnover of staff. The means is just as important as the end here.

Successful delegation involves appreciating the tasks that are being left to others, respecting the amount of effort involved including mental effort, appreciation and encouragement of what the other people bring to the table -- creativity, organisational skills, etc., acceptance of a job/result that is done differently from how you might do it, and decent communication skills. I do not see evidence of those here. Above all, successful delegation requires an agreement that you are the delegator and the others involved in your project are the delegatees. When done right it leaves people feeling empowered and that they are growing and gaining in confidence. Good delegation encourages creativity and a strong sense of purpose and team spirit. Your DH seems to have been left with none of that and may not be fully on board with the idea of you as family CEO.

You seem to have taken on the mantle of family leader here purely by dint of being the main breadwinner. Is that a fair position for you to assume? What does DH think/feel about this role and about the one he now occupies by default?

I think the two of you need to take your marriage and your family seriously and consider the option of Relate. The issues that I see here are:

• Poor communication -- plus a tendency to brush things under the rug. Why hasn't the gambling been tackled, and the trust issue that arose from that problem? There is more going on here than just one bookkeeping argument.
  
• Tunnel vision -- 'end result focus' versus 'day to day detail' focus.
  This is in evidence even in this thread where you want to fix the problem of DH's low motivation with long term benefits in mind, instead of looking at the day to day relationship and understanding that the relationship happens in the here and now, daily. You can't sacrifice relationship ins and outs/days now against future happiness somewhere down the line. The way you get to the finish line is so important in a marriage. I don't think you understand that.
  
• Boundaries -- they are poor.
  It's not like a business where you put in the long hours, and you do whatever is necessary, and it doesn't matter how many staff you go through until you get the right team, and you can tell how well things are going because you have your books to consult. Your current personnel at home is all you have and all you ever will have to work with (unless you LTB). You can't tape the children to the wall until they are old enough not to make a huge mess everywhere they go. You can't fire DH from the H role. Well you can, but you don't want to. Better boundaries would have made you pause before sending your H on a course without apparently much input from him (or thought about the gambling) and certainly would have made you stop before you decided to hire him as an employee. How does DH feel about being hired and then fired by a CEO who is also DW? You are sleeping with this man. A lot of lines have been crossed with seemingly little or no thought about human, emotional, relationship repercussions. It is not all about checking items off a list, getting things done.

[ceridwyn]

Been there, done this, got the t shirt.
YABU treating him like a kid.
YANBU expecting him to pull his weight.
I expect (judging by his escapist preference for the ipad) that he is as unhappy with the current status quo as you are. If you are having trouble talking (without lecturing) write him a heartfelt letter/email and remind yourself (and him) what you do love about him and explain to him how you feel about defending his behaviour when you don't quite understang it yourself. Hopefully better communication without blame will help. If he is gambling get him to self ban before it becomes a major financial problem. All gambling websites should have self exclusion. I really hope you can get through this and wish you the best of luck.

[Bulbasaur]

I think the if it were a man posting thing is unhelpful and basically untrue and I was trying to demonstrate that.

If a man wrote what you did as an OP, I don't think he'd get shot down in flames for it. He'd probably get support.

MN just sort of has a "get out of jail free" card for shitty behavior for women more often than they would for men. EG: A woman complains about no sex every supports her saying he needs to put out, a man doing it they all talk about him doing chores, catering to her, or call him a pig.

But genders aside, there's several different issues going on here.

I've been breadwinner before, and if things work out I'll go back to doing that. It's very easy to see the money as "yours" and feeling it's for you to decide how it's spent. That's one thing me and DH had to work on early in our relationship, because I really hate sharing at an instinctual level. That is not good for a relationship as it builds resentment on both sides. The OP is not seeing the money as theirs, gambling issues aside, that's not healthy. Even if he does have money problems at least including him in the discussion about bills, saving, and what's going on financially is a good step.

It just sounds very totalitarian with "This is my money, this is how it's spent".

[nooka]

My dh was a SAHD for five years and I also got very frustrated about him being very reluctant to go back to work. I didn't enjoy having sole responsibility for the finances, knowing that while they were OK for now they weren't in the long run sustainable. Plus why the hell should I have to go out and work every day when dh was doing whatever he liked back at home. Older children don't need a huge amount of care, and the housework was a days work, if that (we do it together as a family now and it takes us 2hrs).

It felt very unbalanced, and dh was in no hurry to make any changes, even though he knew I was stressed and unhappy. Yes it wasn't easy to get back into work, and yes his life was nicer when he didn't have to work, but that's adult life isn't it?

In our case dh got back into his previous career, which he doesn't enjoy that much and would like to move on from. I'm happy to support that so long as he has a realistic plan, but I don't think it's right for one partner to have to carry the other.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

I have skimmed through this thread, so freely admit that I may have missed loads, casbie, but something is just not adding up for me.

You describe yourself as the "the sole-earner for the family" and in various post go on to describe (what sounds to me) as a fairly successful self-employed role, heading your own business. A business which is economically sound enough to employ "a very efficient PA" and a part-time bookkeeper!

Yet your family "weeklies" are funded by "the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit" and these "weeklies" are the only funds over which your husband has any control.

You do pay for "clothes, shoes, mortgage, insurance, repairs", but it would seem from a later post that the day to day family living is funded by the benefits that your husband receives.

"I try not to get involved with that unless for example we are having soup and beans again for the last week before he gets benefits"

The very fact that as a family you are still entitled to benefits, despite your successful sounding self-employment in your own business, makes me wonder if either of your roles are actually working. Not your husbands as a SAHD nor yours as "the sole-earner for the family".

Maybe you should both rethink.