AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

OP, I feel really sorry for you. It does sound like your husband has turned from a fully functioning adult into some sort of lazy exotic pet.

He needs to pull his weight. Perhaps have the conversation that in an equal relationship you should both get the same leisure time. So he does 8 hours, housework, office work childcare and you do the same. He isn't entitled to 8 hours on line gaming if you have to make up the slack and pay for it

casbie sounds like a plan

casbie if you choose not to tackle it right now that's your choice but you do need your needs met and that should mean he takes his share of responsibility for that. You shouldn't have to put up with his passivity even if it's caused by lack of self esteem just to avoid loneliness.

Khalis I think the term is demeaning applied to either gender. Sorry if that offends.

No I didn't give her what you think she came for if that was a tidy solution in your eyes. None of us can do that. If you can't see that perhaps it's pointless for me to explain that further.
And you could have directed your so called nerve at several other posters. At least share your bile out fairly.

He is no longer pulling his weight. - the dc are no longer young - sorry if I missed it but hold old and how many dc? - and there is no longer much childcare for him to do - so he needs to pull his weight in the household and that probably is best achieved by getting employed or getting qualified - but he needs to be on board which requires big sensible discussions.

This thread is ringing massive alarm bells for me. I think his next job could turn out to be the least of your problems.

Where is he getting the money to gamble eight hours a day from? He has form for helping himself already. Are you sure he's not maxing out credit cards and overdrafts behind your back?

OP, I'd absolutely urge you to look more closely into this and make it a priority. . The moodiness and lack of interest in anything beyond the ipad are classic signs of addiction. Get the bank statements, get his credit report. Don't be fobbed off.

I very much hope all is well but a gambling addiction can be hidden for long enough to cause major financial carnage and a partner won't become aware of it until it's far too late.

And check your own credit report. It's not unknown for a gambler to take out loans in another family member's name.

ilovesooty
It is obvious that part of what I wrote what in reply to you. And it is very obvious that I was also responding to the many others.
Why would I think she needs a tidy solution? No one can give another that.

casbie I hope you find a solution and that it includes you. There is no shame in being the strong one. Even if sometimes you are loved and hated for being just that.
Good luck and Happy New Year!

You might have thought it obvious. I didn't.

I have picked my chin up off the floor from my initial reaction of 'poor bastard' to your OP.

It is incredibly hard to get back to work after a long break, especially in this climate. Can you not imagine how much confidence he must have lost? It must also be a hugely demoralising having to work for your wife and being criticised.

Surely doing something in the voluntary sector and building up his confidence, independent to you , would be a better way to do it. Or maybe making a hobby into a job? I think he needs to find his self respect and his own passions. The iPad and gambling sounds like ways to self-destruct because he feels bad about himself, more than anything else. Could he use his love of the iPad to do something beneficial - maybe set up a course for silver-surfers to enable them to use new technology, or something like that? Fundamentally though, it needs to come from him or you are wasting your time.

Oh for goodness sake!

He needs to crack on and start applying for some jobs. The time for navel gazing and looking for his passions is not now. He needs to start earning some money.

Kids are out of the house and perhaps a good time for a cup of tea and a talk.

fingers crossed

Good luck!

Good luck casbie I hope it's productive.

I don't know why you got such a flaming. Id be so pissed off if I had to support a lazy arse like him

OP I agree with Frogisatwat

Could I suggest childcare? Lots of training available. Easy to get a job IF you have common sense and can work in a team and like children. And men are fairly sought after!

Out of interest, what childcare stuff does he do at the moment? Does he do the pick-ups, drop offs, get school stuff ready, help with homework, look after them during the holidays (including planning fun stuff to do)? There's still quite a bit to do with school age children and there are lots of SAHMs on here of older children.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to get paid work now. But I do think that you come across like you don't especially value the SAHDing that he has done over the years - you say that he gets to keep child benefit and tax credits like it's somehow a big favour that you're allowing him to have some money. It also kind of sounds like you picked a career for him and pressured him into doing it.

I'm not saying it's all your fault or anything but I do think you need to somehow disrupt the dynamic that you have going on - where you are mean mummy to him - because it doesn't sound like either of you really like it.

I think I'd suggest that you take some time when the children aren't around to have a proper conversation about what you both want out of life and how you're going to achieve it. I suspect, for instance, that you've done all the financial planning and thinking and he probably has no real idea how much you will both need for retirement, etc. Perhaps if you have genuinely shared goals - e.g. saving up for retirement, saving for a nicer house, saving for holidays even - he will be more bought into them.

Just wanted to add that I was surprised to read at the very end of your OP that your youngest is 9 - I sort of assumed based on the rest of what you have said that all your kids were well into secondary school. 9 year olds still need quite a lot of parental input - though it's not clear whether your DH is actually providing this.

notinagreatplace the OP is about to have that talk...

Hope the talk goes well. It is important that whatever arrangement there is in a family, exists with agreement and both parties are happy and feel it is the best option for the family. If one or both feel resentment, it just falls apart. one parent at home worked for your family when the children were little. It's not working for everyone any more and it's not unreasonable to get to a point where you say hey, look, we need your financial contribution to this family and we'll also look at how we split the household stuff.

Good luck, OP, with your talk. I think you probably are stepping over the line into being controlling - albeit unintentionally - but I can't say I'd do any better with a difficult situation like that to cope with. He agreed to do this job, and is now using his position as your husband to basically take the piss out of it. Yes, it's hard to get a job in the current climate, but the flip side of that is that he's fortunate enough to be able to work in a family business. He wouldn't get away with storming off from another employer like that.

I guess if I had any advice, it would be to say that honesty will help. Tell him you're upset and miserable. Tell him that it feels like gaming is the priority and not his role in the house - and if he agreed to be a SAHD, he should damn well do the work of a SAHD, domestic and all. And, I guess, ask him how he feels and try to reconnect a little. You seem bent on keeping this relationship so I'd try and work with that in mind.

He sounds lazy and he would irritate me too. But...

I think trying to find employment for someone who has not worked for 15 years is going to be very difficult.