AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

No internet. Dongle for yr computer!?

This reminds me somewhat of my DB who is a photographer but a few years back got a sugar mummy who bankrolled a new business and tried to control all areas of his life (albeit somewhat kindly), didn't take long for my DB to laze about, drink etc but I think he felt emasculated.

When he met his now DW they discussed what he wanted to do eg maths gcse, access course then degree course in film. This has led to more work but it's stuff he can do, and his DW helped but didn't tell him what to do.

I'd suggest you ask DH what he wants to do (and what's feasible), get help for the gaming and also counselling between both of you. You need to think of this in terms of a partnership not just what you want. And yes the pub etc is great for him but maybe he needs to think outside that box too so he opens his horizons.

I agree TheChandler. We were in a very similar position to OP in that DH was SAHD for many years when DCs were younger. It made total sense for us.

What seems to be missing with OP is discussion with her DH about what he is going to do next. There are plenty of things they could look at. The thing though is that they need to talk. Not everything will be affordable. Not everything will be practical.

It is possible to get back to work. My DH has done it. He had to start at the bottom on NMW but he has done it.

Maybe I should talk to his mates/parents and see if they will suggest things?

Or does that sound too controlling/manipulative?

Feel a bit calmer now, will try and have a proper conversation with him today. Still feel a bit weepy.

OP said he was into gaming and that is why I made the suggestion of compsci. However it may be that he just likes playing the games and not developing new games and apps.

You can't make him do anything
It seems your asking the same question you can't make people do anything because your only incontrol of your own behaviour
Let him work it out him self their are 3 choices

1. Carry on how you are you being controlling like his parent see how that pans out

1. Let him get on with it see if he sorts him self out

1. Leave and do it all yourself and lament about the time when somone could at least help with the kids tea

Personally unless your having money trouble I can't see why you have such a bee in your bonnet about someone else's career.

My oldest is 15 youngest is 2 and I would be horrified of my dh suddley started bullying me back to work when the children got to a age HE (king o lord ) deem appropriate
I'm my view this booking keeping was more about helping you out than something he really wanted to do and on him not doing anything I don't believe that for a minute you have children so I presume when you were away he feed the children made sure they were washed , brushed their teeth went shopping took them to school washed uniforms ECt this feeds into you not valueing what he dose what annoys you it's he didn't do the tasks YOU want carried out but with school age children I very doubt he did NOTHING as they them would have starved in two weeks one would think

I am not having a pop at you OP, it is just you need to be careful about getting frustrated and negative with him. My psychologist says people internalize negative comments and this can have a bad effect on them. You need to be all positive and encouraging.

You chose book-keeping for him as a career move. You thought he could move on to accountancy. You thought it would be a good fit as he could start by working for you and build his business.

What did he think? What does he want?

He sounds depressed and, as Ral said, in a rut.

It is hard getting back into employment after years as a a SAHP and 15 years is a v long time.

I don't think it would be good idea to discuss ideas with others before exploring them properly with him.

I think he needs to understand how unhappy you are and the negative implications of the situation for your continuing relationship. If he isn't happy or fulfilled you need to understand why.
If you both want to stay married you both have to discuss the way forward. If you think that's how serious it is he needs to understand that.

Do not go behind his back and talk to his friends about this you are not his mum

Talk to him

I just hope op once he gets back to work your ready to take on house work 50/50 and not expect him to work his job around children teenagers are like toddlers they need a lot of imput and at 9 years old their are still a fair few plays , parties and world book days to get through even my 15 year old tbh if I worked he would not be able to do half the stuff he dose rugby , cadets ECt

Somemothers of course there are other ways forward in addition to the three you state. This is a complex issue and you aren't taking that on board.

Superflyhigh

Yes, his parents are very well off. And so he does have a certain amount of 'I am entitled to it'. Whereas my ethic is 'Have to work/save for that'.

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We were in a really good place. His confidence was up after taking the book-keeping courses. He was getting 100% in tests, keen to learn. His parents were impressed. Ridiculous I know, but he was leader of his 'Clan' on his gaming thing on the iPad and he felt very positive about that.

However, I asked him, to do the book-keeping the way we had being doing it for ages, back-up files and then we had a blazing row.

I know I am not a saint and have a bit of an obsessive nature too when it comes to work. Maybe it is all my fault.

Where has the OP indicated she wouldn't take on her fair share of household responsibility if her husband returned to work or training?

If I had a partner who was work allergic and spent his time on line when he had other responsibilities i might just be a tad controlling, too.

I'm surprised you've lasted this long.

I feel really sorry for you OP. I don't think you intend to be controlling, you're just desperate for him to do his bit.

My DH was out of work for a while (years ago, he's now mostly a sahd) and got into a habit of doing very little, stopped spending time looking for jobs because he kept getting rejected, did a bit of housework but mostly just sat and played computer games and went to see his friends. While I worked 60 hours a week desperately trying to keep us afloat. I hated him for that at the time. I came very close to leaving him but fortunately he did eventually sort it out.

It's difficult because you don't want to nag and moan or control but it affects your life too so doing nothing but feeling miserable about it isn't really an option.

For one person to be a sahp the other needs to be happy to support them and it needs to be balanced in terms of contribution. It doesn't sound like this is the case here at all.

I wish I had a practical answer for you but aside from discussing it with him and explaining how unhappy you are I don't have one.

Has he said positively what he would like to do?

He sounds as though he hasn't much confidence and has a need for external validation. I think that makes exploring this sensitively very important but he needs to know that the strength of your marriage depends on both of you being happy.

He sounds like a lazy cocklodger to me.

It's not all you fault. But I do think you should find someone else to do the book keeping as it's clearly not working out. And encourage him to get a job which is his own responsibility rather than part of your business. I think working for your spouse is a tricky situation for everyone.

Sorry if I I have offended the op but I just being honest I think she really wants this more that her oh she needs to relax she can't control others only herself

That's it she should say how she feels he should say how he feels then she should act accordingly that's all she can go but op is really coming over a bit controlling maybe she is desperate

I do not think being the best on a computer game is ridiculous. It shows he has dedicated time and effort to something and it shows that somewhere under the lazy exterior is a competitive person.
Interestingly Kim Dotcom is the number one player out of 15 million on Modern Warfare 3. Obviously I am not advising your husband sets up a file sharing site and gets in trouble with the police. However it shows aptitude in computers and that could be turned into a career that legally generates cash.

Of course she wants it more than her OH, some - because he's perfectly happy doing nothing while she supports him!

You trying to change him isn't working.
He needs to want to change from within.
Until he wants to change, you're going to be frustrated.

Positive reinforcement might work well. Praise what he does well (however small), and ignore the bad behaviour. Phrases like "I like it when you did..." (said after the fact) over a few weeks might work wonders. Trying to find a career for him won't (as you've already found out). It may feel a bit forced at first, and you will think "why am I the one that has to make the effort....", but give it a go.

He needs to want to change, so if he sees that doing so makes you feel good, and as a by product of that, he also gets to feel good, you'll be on the right track.

Things he could do:

• supermarket work. It could be on the checkouts or in the warehouse. It is physical and pay is little better than NMW but on the plus side you will get staff discount.

• retrain into a trade. I would be careful of this one as it can be hard to break into the local trade structure.

The thing is he needs to not be lazy.