AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

The gaming thing would drive me mad. I think men (or women) who play online games, x boxes etc for hours act lije teenagers. Even if they are busy worming the rest of the time they are wasting large amounts of family time glued to a screen. YANBU to be annoyed about this especially if it is a habit he developed after the start of your relationship. I think expecting me to get a job after many years looking after your DC is unreasonable particularly if it suited you to have him at home and you wanted him to do so. Forging a career after being out of work for years takes a bit of time and preparation.

Most men do think any I SHAD or SHAM relive a charmed life until they take on the jobs themslefs my husband thought this until I was ill and he had to run the house for a month in the end he couldn't look after the children do all the errands , cook and clean sort the cat deal with work men he had to get his mother in

Most people whom are not shams shads think their is a lot of lunches and tea drinking going on I persume if your dinners cooked and the fride is full when you get home he's been doing something

you can't want something for somone more than they want it themslefs

You seem very pushy and a little ungraful of what he dose tbh he do it when he's ready and if you don't want to support him as you see if then leave and take up with somone who earns more never less

Working not worming obviously though worming sounds fun.
And expecting him not me!

They aren't living his life are they?

While you insist on mentoring him of course he's not going to be open to change. He's not going to share his lack of motivation and confidence with you or dutifully sit there and engage whole you try to explore his career path from your oh so much more successful perspective. He needs to get well away from you to do that.

When one partner does not contribute financially to the household I think this should always be by mutual agreement. And just because it suits for a few years doesn't mean it will suit forever. YANBU to expect him to get a job.

I think your attitude towards him may be an issue here. You talk about banning an iPad a bit like he is a child and then you are choosing his prospective future career for him.
You need to remember he is an adult, not a petulant teenager.
Rather than demeaning him you need to encourage him.
What careers does he dream of? How can you help him achieve that? He may need a University degree or a NVQ. He may need work experience to discover if the career he wants is right for him.
I had a gap in employment of 5 years as I was very sick with bipolar and in and out of psych wards. It was really tough getting back into work and I started in voluntary roles. Then I got a job as a cleaning lady, which I loved and then set my cleaning business up.
Getting out of the rut of long term unemployment is really tough but it can be done. However it needs to be done in stages so it is not too overwhelming.

Does he have any say in what he wants to do, or do you control everything?

You decided bookeeping, which could lead to accountancy.

He is lazy but you are controlling. I am not excusing his behaviour but the way you talk about him is so disparaging. It sounds like neither of you respect one another nor the roles you have.

Did you ever agree on when he should return to work? Plenty of parents SAH when their children are primary school aged and youngest DC is only 9.

Have just worked out what YANBU means!

Okay, so I mustn't 'help him' along, not 'help him choose a career path or future employment', not 'treat him like a child'.

What do I do then?

Forever practical

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I did laugh at "banning the ipad"! Sounds like something I would do in this situation but very very unreasonable!

I agree with ral - like her I'm a later life career changer after illness.

Please just stop trying to control him. Sit down and agree why things have to change - he isn't needed for child care now. Then agree how he can get advice and support to re-establish his career well away from any involvement from you. Volunteering would help his self worth, get him back into the habit of working and routine and teach him new skills. If he signs on for jobseekers allowance he'll have to comply with job search activity.

I think you are being constructive, getting him on a course and offering work for you. However I think you need to ascertain from him what career he wants.
I am currently studying AAT2 in bookkeeping, just to help me do my books and save on accountancy fees. My uncle is a retired chartered accountant and he said I should go for the ACCA. However I am not personally interested in accountancy beyond getting to a level where I can manage my books.
I think you need to find out what job he would enjoy. Does he have any hobbies or interests he could turn into a job? You state that he is a gamer and likes the internet, so what about doing a programming course or computer science degree?

As long as the main chors are getting done it's not for you to allocate his time.

Personally I don't think you are helping him along I think your trying to control him even bully a little into doing what you want ha you banned him from the I pad that's what I say to that no one could even ban me from doing something in my own house I am a fucking adult that fact you have banned him in my view shows you don't view him as a equal as I am sure he would not be able to ban you from driving or watching tv

You let him find his own path as many shams husbands do they eventually go back to work some never do like my mil or leave and find the kind of man I surspect you want

And like I said in the main people who don't do the housework side think it's a bit of a breeze.

Their is no such thing as having it all you don't a career your children looked after at home plus a hsuabsnd with a high powered career plus the washing done something has to give and it has we get the family we desrve

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes

You would get all sorts of shit if you were a man posting this about his wife!

I am now in the process of a third career change. The cleaning business was a project for me really to learn the basics of business and some social skills as even before my recent ASD Dx I was aware that I am lacking in basic social skills.
Now I have my confidence up I am going to do 3D printing which is a combination of computer science and mechanical engineering which will suit my Aspie brain really well.

This all screams of what you want, rather than what would be practical. After so long out of work it might take your DH a while to figure out what he wants to do. Yanbu in wanting him to do something and to be unhappy with the current situation as it does seem very unfair, but the way you're going about it you will just back him into a corner and make him even more unlikely to change.

Does he actually want to be a bookkeeper? Or is there something else he could do? Might be best if you don't work together is my thinking.

What does HE want to do? Has he actually said that he wants to go back into employment?

Or does he want to continue being a SAHD? If the youngest is only 9 he probably could do it a while longer - Lord knows there are plenty of SAHM on here with kids in their teens.

If he wants to keep on as he's doing then stop banging your head against a wall. Change tack. Hire someone else immediately to do the books. Do not pay any more for expensive courses unless he has an enthusiasm for it (he plainly doesn't).

The issue is that you are suggesting far too much and he is suggesting far too little. So you are slipping into a controlling role and he is slipping into a Kevin the Teenager role.

So tell him you are relieving him of it, and he can henceforth do as he wants. Fuck it. Why kill yourself? For What? You'll get no thanks for it.

I'd hang onto the iPad though. After all its meant to be for business purposes so use it yourself for the business.

I don't think you are unreasonable, but it sounds like you have some problems with him and his behaviours (not necessary unreasonable either), you mention having little trust, don't rate his contribution to the household, your reactions these things seem that you are treating him like a child.
Have you spoke to him?
I think its time to have a chat adult to adult, and ask and listen, what are his current problems/issues/dreams etc and for him to also listen to you, then work out a way forward with both of you taking responsibility.
I suspect someone being out of work for 15 years would be facing some concerns about what they want to do/how to go about it etc.
Also things you do to support him I think you need to do with good grace, and not let previous resentments pop up if you are to move forward. But if agreeing to do things also agree together what is expected etc.
Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

Good luck ral

I think any decision regarding your husband's sah status is for you to make as a couple but nothing positive will come of you treating him like a child and trying to control him. It certainly sounds as though he needs to establish himself outside the house.

Well its very fine getting what you want to in life, but not if someone else is financing it and isn't happy to do so. Man or woman.

I mean, I may very well like to lie on a sun lounger in Dubai all day, but I don't get to do what I want all the time, like most people.

So really its about what this couple want jointly and whether its acceptable to each.

Somemothers/Differentnameforthis

Chores weren't being done. Book-keeping not being done. Despite asking nicely, waiting a few weeks, asking daily. I went away for work for two weeks, no book-keeping when I came back. Said I had a deadline with my mentor, could I please have the numbers to work out cash-flow?. Finally switched the machine on and said 'the kids are helping to do the housework, you can now help me with book-keeping'. Asked him to create a new file for back-up and he stomped off!

That is the long version.

Okay, practically will get new book-keeping person (or do it myself).

How do I get him out of the house to volunteer? Or get him to take up computer science/coding?

I get shug of shoulders every time I ask DH what he wants to do!

Add message | Report | Message poster differentnameforthis Thu 01-Jan-15 11:43:06
Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes

So would our home if dh banned me but of course he would be divorced and have a cleaner

How you encourage him to move forward into employment is something only you can know. Have you actually sat down and explored the future and asked him if he feels controlled and disempowered? Have you encouraged him to see a careers advisor (which he can do for free) ? Have you discussed couples counselling? Have you told him you feel unhappy enough to consider your marriage at risk (if this is the case)?

I know mn is obsessed with all money being family money, but when you run a business, you have to keep it separate presumably the book keeping course was paid for by the business so a business decision and business money not family money, also wages paid for book keeping isn't from family money.

Money the OP draws from the business as her own wage is family money, uf that's the way they operate.

Has he said that he wants to do coding/computer science?