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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

354 replies

SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 05:45

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

OP posts:
Dawnywoo · 01/01/2015 07:57

The reason a lot of people are coming to the same conclusion is because you are obsessing about it. The word obsess is in your title.

I have never obsessed about a message not being replied to from a colleague or even my best friend - I just trust she will get back in her own time.

A guy I liked on the other hand... I may get a bit obsessed then

differentnameforthis · 01/01/2015 07:57

MrsMcColl I would agree that he probably doesn't feel 'chased' by the op, but are you seriously saying that these posts here don't make you think 'stalker' or at the very least, that she is a little too invested in this guy!?

MistAndAWeepingRain · 01/01/2015 07:58

God OP you're way overthinking this. He saw your message and decided not to reply straight away. Either because the had a lot on or because he made a conscious decision to put off replying for a bit. Does it really matter which it is? He's a colleague not a treasured friend. He doesn't owe you anything.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:58

I wouldn't think twice about a Christmas card as that requires effort and time to arrange a reply to which I don't expect everyone will be able to do.

But a response to an instant message takes less than 2 seconds.

OP posts:
Monstamio · 01/01/2015 08:00

You're massively overthinking this. So he was in the office and got a nice happy new year thank you style message. Hardly critical is it? For all you know he could have read it just as a phone call or email came in or another colleague approached with a work related item which needed dealing with there and then.

I know you said you included a question but again was this particularly time sensitive? He could still be planning to reply to that. Or might have assumed he would see you in person later but didn't get around to it. There are just so many reasons why he might not have come back that for you to start assuming some kind of offense has been taken is frankly baffling.

And yes, I've worked with similar office messenger systems and conversations were often left hanging when I or colleagues had to, you know, actually do some work!

MrsMcColl · 01/01/2015 08:01

Differentname - yes I agree that the OP sounds very invested in this relationship, absolutely. I'm just saying that he doesn't necessarily know that!

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 01/01/2015 08:01

You are getting quite a hard time about this OP, to go back to your original question yes YABU. There are a lots of reasons why he might not have replied I'm chronically bad for not responding to personal messages. Assuming he's not am over sensitive prima Donna and you have no idea why he might be annoyed with you you can relax.

Although you may want to prime yourself that he's trying to cool your extra-curricular relationship.

MrsMcColl · 01/01/2015 08:02

My point is: posters are suggesting he is backing off, but he doesn't necessarily think there is anything to back off from.

peasandlove · 01/01/2015 08:04

Bet you're regretting starting this in aibu Grin

KnackeredMerrily · 01/01/2015 08:05

Omg seriously, step away from the thread. Step away from your office messenger thingy. Calm yourself. One perdon didnot reply to one message within 24 hours and you are flipping out.

Step away.

livsmommy · 01/01/2015 08:07

I can understand where you are coming from. I suffer from anxiety and if somebody doesn't reply to a message I've sent, be it family/friend I can worry about it wondering what I've done/why they aren't speaking to me. What was the question you asked, was it work related?

Bakeoffcakes · 01/01/2015 08:09

You asked yourself if you were BU to obsess about this situation.

The overwhelming answer you have had is YES you are.

You need to take a deep breath and a step back from this.

Have you felt like this, in the past, about someone else's behaviour towards you?

KatieKaye · 01/01/2015 08:10

Perhaps he was busy working? Doing what he is paid to do?

Your posts make it sound as if you are very interested in him, and that's why you are reacting in this way. Perhaps he's picked up on this (perhaps his wife/partner has picked up on this) and there has been a conscious decision on his part to pull away and reset the relationship on a purely professional basis?

Not everyone sees casual messaging, whether it be text or in-house systems, as requiring a response at all, far less an instant one.

DropYourSword · 01/01/2015 08:12

If he's anything like me today he's got a CRACKING hangover. It's just after 6p.m. where I live and I'm only just beginning to function!

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2015 08:12

I'm starting to feel sorry for the recipient...

CaptainJamesTKirk · 01/01/2015 08:13

I hate that with email and texts people expect you to reply immediately. That you should stop absolutely everything you do and reply. That people think you're rude if you do not respond to them immediately. I get 80+ emails a day at work and properly read about 6 of them. I don't have time to read all the crap people send and copy me into. You must have a very busy working day if you have time to send your colleagues (who are there in the office with you, actually there, in your office) HNY emails and reply to theirs. Say happy new year to them for gods sake, don't send them long, needy, fawny emails, they're impersonal and only get skim read.

LightastheBreeze · 01/01/2015 08:15

I'm sure the work messaging system is not meant to be used like Facebook.

HotLipsHoulihan · 01/01/2015 08:15

Married is he?

It's pretty obvious you fancy him / which you'll deny! Just back off a lot is my advice

peggyundercrackers · 01/01/2015 08:16

yabu - its only an IM and not an important one at that, he obviously had other things on which were more important.

PrettyLittleMitty · 01/01/2015 08:16

OP may not feel as if she has given him any reason to think she is chasing him or for him to back off but if she comes accross this needy and obsessive in real life maybe he has picked up on it? Not saying that is the case but just a possibility.
For the record op, I recieved dozens of HNY messages yesterday and didn't reply to half of them, this is no reflection on the people that sent them just that I am too lazy to respond to all of them.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 08:22

Yeah, I suppose I am one of those people who does expect a response to messages and texts (not necessarily emails).

It literally takes 2 seconds and I have never been so busy that I can't spare 2 seconds just to acknowledge a message by typing out "thanks" or "busy right now, will catch you laters" etc.

I get annoyed when my friends do it and I get annoyed when colleagues do it.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 01/01/2015 08:25

Sounds to me like he just never got round to replying for one reason or another. Bet you get a belated reply next time you're in.

A few questions though. You worked until 7pm so what time did you send message? How do you 100% know he read it (email read receipt - unless you always use them - could have been misunderstood?). Or was it IM?
Why didn't you just go to his desk / office and wish him HNY? What was the question you asked? I'm intrigued

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 08:25

It's ok if people think they're too lazy to reply, but to a lot of people it comes off as awkward and strange to just read a message and not say anything in response. It's not about being needy, anyone can feel a bit small and confused if they're ignored for no reason.

OP posts:
mdpis3 · 01/01/2015 08:26

Before I was a SAHM I was an exec level manager with 100+ staff working for me and many many line managers. I was friendly with most of them, wished them happy birthday in person and asked after their children if we ended up in the kitchen moaning about the lack of milk at the same time. One or two I met up with for coffee, one or two of them I helped with employment issues, one or two of them knew me well enough to ask me non-work related questions on email. Some got responses, some didn't. It had nothing to do with being slack or unkind. I just didn't. It was work. These people were staff. Yes I liked them and wished them well but I didn't want 131 HPN emails. I would have much rather had it said to me in passing. Making is more personal. Rather than an email with an obligatory kiss at the end. It made me cringe.

This isn't me trying to be rude or dismissive or hurt your feelings but here, on MN, you are coming across as needy. If this particular person has picked up on this, there is a possibility that he didn't reply as he doesn't want to encourage an out of the office friendship. Whether you did the same with others and they replied or not is irrelevant, he didn't and that's ok. You mention children but make no mention (I only skimmed it) of a wife or significant other. Perhaps he's realised that it's not appropriate to be meeting with a female work colleague who, in my opinion, "likes" him. Perhaps a child was poorly and he was concentrating on that. Perhaps his boss was taking up his time before he left the office. You've said yourself that you can't access email remotely and that you don't send messages to his phone, therefore if he walked out of the office without replying, he isn't likely to be able to now is he?

You may well find he sends a "sorry I didn't get round to replying, hope you had a good one" type email when you are all back in the office but until then, you need focus your energy on something else.

Viviennemary · 01/01/2015 08:28

Sounds a bit inappropriate messaging somebody like this on NY's day if he has a wife and family. I'd back off and stop obsessing. If he is attached you need to back away or else there will be trouble.