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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

354 replies

SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 05:45

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 01/01/2015 06:47

So if it want on his phone, it was email then?

You're wayyy overthinking this. It mightn't be a busy day at work in general, but maybe something's come up for him personally. It could be a million things!

Iggly · 01/01/2015 06:50

It was probably instant messaging - we have this. You can see if someone is active and online etc.

drbonnieblossman · 01/01/2015 07:16

Could the wording have been such that it read like a generic new year message? If it did, it's probably the same as a dozen others he got and he's thought nothing more of it.

It's a day off work which means he was probably enjoying time with his partner/wife and children.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:19

No it wasn't a day off work. Like I said, we were both working. And it was on the office system. So no, he wasn't spending time with his family because he was in office.

It was also a very specific message. Not a generic HNY one. I'd even asked him a question which obviously he didn't reply to.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 01/01/2015 07:22

Forget it.

He might get back to you later. He might not.

Either way, this obsessing isn't healthy. Find something to take your mind off it.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:22

Have you posted about him before? You used to work directly for him, then moved to a new role within your current team, and think the person who took over from you isn't good enough?

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:25

He might have been doing a little work from home and was logged into the work system. We can do that at my firm.

I also think it's always awkward when juniors and seniors try to be friends outside of work.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:29

No he wasn't working from home. I already said he was in the office.

And no, I haven't posted about anything work related before. You're comfusing me with someone else.

OP posts:
Purplehonesty · 01/01/2015 07:29

I think he has (rightly or wrongly) assumed you have feelings for him and now wants to take a step back before it gets complicated.

And I also think you wouldn't be so bothered about a message to 'just a friend'.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2015 07:30

You're sounding very needy. He might not have thought it warranted an (immediate) response. Let it go.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 01/01/2015 07:30

Sounds like you are way more fond of him than he is of you. Difficult to accept, but accept you must.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:32

Ok, maybe my obsessing would get someone to wrongly assume I have feelings for him. I understand that.

But how would he ever come to this conclusion? A happy new year message to someone who is a friend and a colleague means that I am flirting?! I would be surprised if he thought that. I've been nothing but professional at work and even when we meet casually I haven't crossed any boundaries that would send the wrong message.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:32

Actually, you haven't said he was in the office. You said the message was sent on the office messenger system. As I say, I can do that it my firm if I log in at home.

You are being completely unreasonable - defensive and overthinking. I suspect he's getting the wrong vibes off you, just as we all are.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:34

Cinnabar: I said before you posted on this thread- he wasn't spending time with his family because he was in the office. So yes, I did specify.

OP posts:
Feellikescrooge · 01/01/2015 07:35

I think you need to take a deep breath and think about why you are being so snippy in your replies. It does sound as if this is a very important relationship to you maybe it is not so much for him and you are on the 'to do' pile. At work I often read all communications and then prioritise my response. It does not sound as if it was critical that he replied instantly, except to you.

jeee · 01/01/2015 07:35

Everyone here has come to one conclusion. So it's reasonable enough to assume that he may have come to the same conclusion. Forget your NY message, don't expect an answer, and only message him when it's necessary for work purposes.

However innocent you know your motives to be, if he perceives your messages to have undercurrents, it's going to get difficult at work.

dorasee · 01/01/2015 07:36

Read your post. You need to step back from the whole situation. It's obvious you're developing feelings for him. This is his family time. Sorry but you're not his priority, your his colleague.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:37

I don't mean to be snippy Scrooge, I just find myself saying that same thing over and over- no, it wasn't a text, yes it was in office, no I don't have feelings for him etc etc. it can get tiresome to repeat the same thing several times.

I do appreciate everyone taking the time out to respond and I don't mean to offend anyone.

OP posts:
KenDoddsDadsDog · 01/01/2015 07:37

If it's the same system we use they flash and you can have a load of different ones going at once. Have forgotten to reply loads because I'm on a call or someone comes to talk to me.

Feellikescrooge · 01/01/2015 07:38

Obviously I meant 'to do' in the sense of reply to the message!?!?

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:38

Add message | Report | Message poster dorasee Thu 01-Jan-15 07:36:43
Read your post. You need to step back from the whole situation. It's obvious you're developing feelings for him. This is his family time. Sorry but you're not his priority, your his colleague.

We were at work until 7 pm.

Like I've said before several times, we were at work neither one was having any "family time".

OP posts:
Izzy24 · 01/01/2015 07:39

A very specific message with a question?

Step away from the married man .......

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:41

Jeee I will probably do that from now on. However, he has messaged so many times for something casual that isn't work related or just for a chat. So it isn't that I did something out of the ordinary. We've wished each other on birthdays as well. So it seemed awkward to me to just ignore the fact that it's New Years and not wish him. I wished other colleagues as well (if it's of any interest, the rest of them all replied).

OP posts:
LightastheBreeze · 01/01/2015 07:41

He probably thinks you're chasing him, sending messages like that, did you send the same HNY messages to any other colleagues.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:42

No. You concluded he was in the office because he was on the office system and was working. But he could still be working from home if he can log in remotely. Can he log in remotely?

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