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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

354 replies

SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 05:45

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

OP posts:
Tinofroses · 01/01/2015 07:42

Oh I received a few texts last night , I was busy and didn't text back but I'm hoping the texters don't care. Will text or see them sometime.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:43

"Add message | Report | Message poster Izzy24 Thu 01-Jan-15 07:39:43
A very specific message with a question?

Step away from the married man ......."

Oh good heavens.

I can assure you I have no interest in "stealing" married men.

I didn't realise MN was so well, narrow minded. Can't men and women be friends? I'd feel exactly the same if my female colleagues had ignored me completely like this.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:43

Of course, if you actually saw him in the office then he was there - but you haven't actually said that you physically saw him.

dorasee · 01/01/2015 07:44

Oh honey...you're splitting hairs. If he was at work at didn't get back to you I would just accept that at the forefront of his mind are other things. He's not into you and he's married with kids. He's letting you know. Take the hint. Let it go or you'll drive yourself nuts. I know I sound harsh but it's only because I know the feeling.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:44

But you didn't message your female colleagues, did you?

MrsMcColl · 01/01/2015 07:45

Salsa from what you've said here, I don't think any of us can come to any sensible conclusions about how your colleague may or may not perceive you.

To suggest that you are 'needy' or more into the friendship than he is, is pretty unfair. You are telling us, not him, that you'd like a reply! And your message was friendly and professional.

There may be all sorts of reasons why he hasn't replied yet. But I wouldn't read too much into it, and continue being friendly colleagues. Finding someone at work who you really click with is one of life's bonuses!

ThisOnesForYou · 01/01/2015 07:46

Agree with others that you sound quite needy. Obviously we don't know you but my instinct (& others' here) suggests that you would only be reacting like this if you had feelings for him that were more than just friendship. Maybe he has also picked up on that from you and is backing off a little.

Also, please don't get snippy with posters (like Cinnabar) for missing details (like the fact that he was in the office) that you only posted a couple of minutes before. It takes time to type out a reply so your post was probably not even there when they started to type theirs. Hope that makes sense!

IMNOTYOURBABES · 01/01/2015 07:46

Yes, YABU ...
Happy New Year!
Smile

differentnameforthis · 01/01/2015 07:46

How do you know he has ignored the message?

Lost phone
Phone turned off
Away etc etc.

I really hate when people obsess over a message...

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:47

Cannabar- please just stop arguing with me for the sake of it. I know he was in the office because we cannot log in from home.

If it still makes you happy to think he was at home, please go ahead.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 01/01/2015 07:47

YABU.

LightastheBreeze · 01/01/2015 07:48

It's a bit like sending Christmas cards, you don't always get one back.

Monkeygirl28 · 01/01/2015 07:48

I understand how you feel I sent a fb message to someone a year ago who moved overseas in pls send me your contact details, viewed and then no response a year later! Often worry what I did to offend as had coffee same week they left, totally snubbed!, hurt yes as it was clear they were not interested, wait a little longer perhaps? Was it worded like it needed a response?

Feellikescrooge · 01/01/2015 07:49

The issue is more that nobody can understand why you are so upset he didn't reply instantly to a message. It is that which makes people think you have stronger feelings than friendship. If my friends,male or female, don't reply instantly to messages I just assume they are busy. Plus the tone of your responses does imply you are overly emotionally invested in this relationship.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:49

Cinnabar: Yes I did message female colleagues as well Some of them are superiors. And again read my previous post- they all replied.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 01/01/2015 07:50

OK, so saw your further updates...

But you know what op, there is way too much thought going into this (by you) for this to be a colleague not answering a message.

I suggest you are way too invested in his life & you need to back off a little..

Tinofroses · 01/01/2015 07:51

Salsa I have male friends in work. Some are married some are not. I email them and chat to them. One of them I'm very friendly with and we exchange Xmas gifts. However if I sent him a email in work and he didn't reply I would not think twice about it. If I did think about it I would assume he was busy or had not seen it or meant to reply and forgot or what I sometimes do which is turn off my PC and realise I forgot to send a email and then I think oh I can't be bothered to turn it on again.
Seriously forget about it and do to let it ruin your day.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:51

But did you message any other colleagues, female or otherwise?

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:51

Sorry, x-post.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:53

I guess I'm the only one who thinks its awkward to completely ignore a well meaning message from friends and colleagues.

My juniors messaged me as well, and even though I had a busy day I still replied to all of them.

Anyway, thanks for your responses.

I'm sure I'm obsessing over nothing! It doesn't help that I'm sick in bed with nothing else to do so that might explain some of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 07:54

"Add message | Report | Message poster CinnabarRed Thu 01-Jan-15 07:51:19
But did you message any other colleagues, female or otherwise?"

WOW.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 01/01/2015 07:54

Can't men and women be friends? MN isn't narrow minded. From the content of your posts here, it sounds like you are obsessing way too much over this man & your message. THAT is why people are telling you to back off.

You sound far too over-invested in him and if he knew, he would likely cease all communication.

LightastheBreeze · 01/01/2015 07:55

A lot of colleagues give DH a christmas card at work but he doesn't give any out, so I hope he's not the subject of any angsty threads anywhere Grin and he certainly wouldn't have time to reply to umpteen HNY emails.

MrsMcColl · 01/01/2015 07:55

From what you say, it sounds like you're used to chatting about work and non-work stuff - and that this is very much a two-way thing. So I don't see how anyone posting here can assume that you've overstepped a line or that he feels 'chased' by you.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 07:55

Sorry you're not well. Is there someone at home to look after you?